„You do know this is just a dream, “ asked the illusion, while entering my consciousness, „and that soon you will be frustrated enough to wake up? “
Of course I knew that. It was hard to forget. But still, each night the illusion in my dreams asked the same question, as if trying to avoid being blamed for the bitter aftertaste the morning left in my thoughts. Every night the illusion came and became whatever I wished it to be. Occasionally, it turned into something new. But most of the times, it took the form of the only thing I couldn´t have while roaming the „wake“ world. That form was love…
„I missed you“, I said, looking my lover in the eyes. „The whole day all I could think of was you. “
The illusion sat next to me, hugging me. It smelled so real. Even the touch felt as if it was real. It was not hard for my mind to recreate such believable sensations because I did touch and smell that specific person enough times. But never, EVER has that person held me or hugged me the way my illusion did.
I was too afraid to say anything. One stray thought and all of this would disappear into nothingness and I would travel back to the wake world. That I wanted to avoid. Instead, I relaxed my sleeping senses and continued to enjoy the hug. It became tighter.
The illusion stood. Funny, even the dreamt version of „letting go“ bore the same feeling as the real one. The feeling of sudden emptiness. Sudden release of pressure. Interesting fact, worth researching while awake. Right now, it was more important to follow my illusion to the other side of the room and gently kiss its neck. I put my arms around my lover´s waist and asked what was wrong. The reply came after a while…
„I hate myself for doing this to you“, the illusion said, turning towards me and meeting my sleepy gaze. „I am ruining you“, it finished.
„What are you talking about? “ I heard myself saying, suppressing the sudden surge of fear. „You are not doing anything to me. At least nothing bad“, I added crookedly.
“I am destroying you”, the illusion continued. “This is just making you feel worse every time you wake up. I should know, since I am always there while it happens.”
“Don´t be silly”, I half laughed at this. “It can´t possibly be your fault! It is I who creates you! If it´s anyone´s fault then it´s mine. Look at me! ” I added, noticing that my lover still looked bewildered by the thought of harming me. “This is just a dream. And what a dream it is! I love you, and I need you here. Don´t, please don´t turn your back on me here! You know we could never be together in the wake world. You know the reasons. You know the consequences. I know them, too. And I am afraid of them.”
The illusion kissed me again. The touch of its lips was breathtaking. The smell of its skin so vivid and reachable. My lover´s hair came underneath my fingertips. Each strand was so alive and vibrant. The illusion pressed its body against mine and we stood like that for whole of eternity. The smell hasn´t faded, its touch hasn´t subsided. That night I experienced something I have never experienced before. As if the illusion is trying to live through me, FOR me. All the feelings intensified. The touch became stronger, the smell more powerful. The illusion wriggled out of my arms and began kissing me passionately, everywhere. My mind was in ecstasy. I wished I could stay asleep forever.
“Goodbye, my love”, I heard, ever so faint as if it was coming from far away. I looked around myself, familiar feeling of sudden release of pressure following. The feeling of emptiness… My lover was gone.
I stayed into that dream for a long time after. I ignored noises from the wake world. I ignored the fact that I was late for absolutely every task I had planned for that day. It didn´t matter anymore. I lost the final sanctuary, I knew that.
Finally, I woke up. I couldn´t stand the loneliness of the place inside my thoughts. It was gone forever. I tried many times later to will it back into my dreams but with no success. The illusion was gone. In the end I began to hate my dreams as much as I hate the wake world. There was no difference anymore. Regardless of the state of my mind, whether it was asleep or awake, love was nowhere to be seen or felt. My last patch of bliss and happiness had left me.
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