NEMANJA: SMIRENOUMLJE

Intermezzo: Slavoj, Barry

Dave Barry and a night at the Beijing Opera

I went to see the Beijing Opera, a traditional Chinese art form that combines singing, mime, dancing and acrobatics. I would say the highlight was the food.
We sat at a table with a nice arrangement of cookies, fruits and candies. As soon as we were seated, two guys in shiny gold jackets came over carrying teapots with the longest spouts I have ever seen, three feet easy. These guys immediately started performing amazing feats of teapot dexterity, spinning the teapots, twirling them, whipping them around their bodies martial-arts style. Kung Fu tea pourers!
Suddenly the men stopped twirling and, in unison, aimed the spouts at two teacups, filling them with perfectly aimed tea streams from more than a foot away without spilling a drop. Then they whipped the teapots around and filled two more teacups from behind their backs.
It was by far the most impressive beverage service I have ever seen. I bet these guys could kill you using only tea. God only knows what they could do with a scone.
Next came the opera. There are a lot of ignorant, narrow-minded, uninformed and just plain stupid people who will tell you that the Beijing Opera is weird and boring. I agree with these people.
The biggest problem for me was the pacing. I'm used to American action movies, which routinely feature shootings, stabbings, sex scenes, car chases, helicopter crashes, nuclear explosions and at least one beheading before the opening title. Whereas in the Beijing Opera, it can take a performer as long as eight minutes to convey an idea such as, ``Well, here I am!''
The performer conveys this by moving slowly around the stage making traditional mime-style motions to the accompaniment of an orchestra playing traditional Chinese instruments that sound, to the ignorant Western ear, like an untuned piano being attacked by beavers. Every so often the orchestra makes a loud noise that sounds like, quote, ''SPROING,'' and at that instant the performer suddenly stops and stares directly at the audience with an expression of what appears to be astonishment, as if to say, ``Wow! You are still here!''
When the performers sing, electronic signboards next to the stage show English translations of the lyrics, but this is not all that helpful for following the plot. For example, one of the works I saw was called (really) The Great Immortal Herb Robbery. The main character, a woman who is also (although I may have this wrong) a snake, sings, in a voice pitched high enough to alarm dogs as far away as Peru, ''On the dragon boat festival, I drank too much.'' Then, after miming around some more, she sings, ''I won't return home unless I get the immortal herbs.'' Then, as you have probably already guessed, she gets into a stick fight with the crane-boys and the deer-boys.
The fight was pretty good. I know it's not my place to make suggestions to another culture, but if the Beijing Opera people would include more stick-fighting, cut way down on the miming and singing, and maybe at the last minute have the Kung Fu teapot dudes run onstage and save the snake lady by blasting the crane-boys and the deer-boys with the Twin Pour of Death, they would really have something.
I want to stress that, aside from the opera, I am totally loving China. The people remain unbelievably nice and polite and helpful and patient with us clueless visitors. And Beijing is prettier than I expected, when you can see it through the pollut. . . excuse me, the ``haze.''
Even the weather has improved some, possibly thanks to the Chinese government, which has a huge weather-modification program. According to the official newspaper, China Daily, on the night of the Olympic opening ceremony, a storm system was heading toward Beijing, so ``meteorological departments shot 1,104 rockets into the sky, relieving the ceremony of a most-feared threat.''
That's right: the Chinese government controls the weather. This might explain why, during the U.S.-China men's basketball game, Kobe Bryant was hit four times by lightning.
I'm kidding: It was only twice. The U.S. team kicked butt anyway. Aside from basketball, there are a number of other sports going on here at the Olympics, and in the coming days I'll try, time permitting, to provide you with updates. Right now, however, I need to locate some immortal herbs, because last night I definitely drank too much at the dragon boat festival.



Proustov upitnik

Slavoj Žižek, slovenski filozof, gostujući profesor na mnogim svjetskim prestižnim sveučilištima i autor tridesetak knjiga, odgovara na klasičan Proustov upitnik - francuski pisac bio je jedan od prvih svjetskih uglednika koji su na njega odgovorili krajem 19. stoljeća, pa je po njemu i dobio ime.

Ta klasična leksikonska pitanja koja su se pojavljivala u spomenarima njegova doba, naročito onim engleskim, Proust je pronašao u spomenaru svoje prijateljice Antoinette, kćerke kasnijeg francuskog predsjednika Felixa Faurea. Ovaj upitnik pojavljuje se u najrazličitijim varijacijama po mnogim svjetskim časopisima i novinama, od Vanity Faira do naše Glorije, a Žižek je na njega odgovarao u Guardianu.

• Kad ste bili najsretniji?

Nekoliko puta u životu kad sam se veselio nekom predstojećem događaju ili kad sam ga se sjećao - nikad u trenuku događanja.

• Čega se najviše bojite?

Da bih se mogao probuditi nakon smrti - zato želim da me iste sekunde spale.

• Kojoj se živućoj osobi najviše divite i zašto?

Jean-Bertrandu Aristideu, dva puta smijenjenom haićanskom predsjedniku. On je model onoga što se za ljude može učiniti čak i u najtežim situacijama.

• Koju crtu svoje ličnosti najviše prezirete?

Indiferentnost prema tuđim mukama.

• Što najviše prezirete kod drugih?

Njihovu ljigavu spremnost da mi ponude pomoć kad mi nije potrebna.

• Najneugodniji trenutak u životu?

Gol ispred žene prije ljubavnog čina.

• Osim posjeda, što je najskuplje što ste ikad kupili?

Novo njemačko izdanje sabranih Hegelovih djela.

• Što vam je najvrednije od onoga što posjedujete?

Pogledaj prethodni odgovor.

• Što vas deprimira?

Kad su glupi ljudi sretni.

• Što vam najviše smeta na vašem izgledu?

To što zbog njega izgledam kako izgledam.

• Što je vaša najmanje privlačna navika?

Apsurdno pretjerani tikovi koje izvodim s rukama dok govorim.

• Što biste odabrali za bal pod maskama?

Stavio bih si masku svoga lica tako da svi misle da to nisam ja nego netko tko se pravi da je ja.

• Što je vaš najjači zabranjeni užitak?

Gledanje neugodno patetičnih filmova poput “Moje pjesme, moji snovi”.

• Što dugujete roditeljima?

Nadam se ništa. Nisam potrošio ni sekunde na žalovanje nakon njihove smrti.

• Kome biste se najviše željeli ispričati i zašto?

Mojim sinovima jer nisam dovoljno dobar otac.

• Kako se osjećamo kad smo zaljubljeni?

Kao za vrijeme goleme nesreće, napadnuti monstruoznim parazitom, u permanentnom stanju urgencije koja uništava sva mala zadovoljstva.

• Što ili tko je najveća ljubav vašeg života?

Filozofija. Potajno mislim da stvarnost postoji samo zato da bismo je mogli analizirati.

• Vaš najdraži miris?

Priroda u odumiranju, poput drveta koje trune.

• Jeste li ikad rekli ‘Volim te’, a niste to mislili?

Čitavo vrijeme. Kad nekoga doista volim, to mogu pokazati samo agresivnim i neukusnim primjedbama.

• Koga najviše prezirete i zašto?

Liječnike koji asistiraju mučiteljima.

• Najgori posao koji ste ikad imali?

Predavanje. Mrzim studente, oni su (poput ostalih ljudi) uglavnom glupi i dosadni.

• Što je vaše najveće razočaranje?

Ono što Alain Badiou zove “opskurnom katastrofom” dvadesetog stoljeća: katastrofalna propast komunizma.

• Da možete izmijeniti svoju prošlost, što biste promijenili?

Svoje rođenje. Slažem se sa Sofoklom: najveća je sreća ne roditi se. No, ta šala ima nastavak, jako malom broju ljudi to je i uspjelo.

• Da se kao u vremeplovu može putovati unatrag, kamo biste krenuli?

U Njemačku početkom 19. stoljeća, na Hegelova predavanja na fakultetu.

• Kako se opuštate?

Uvijek i iznova slušajući Wagnera.

• Koliko često vodite ljubav?

To ovisi o tome što je za vas seks. Ako se to odnosi na uobičajeno masturbiranje sa živim partnerom, to nastojim izbjeći po svaku cijenu.

• Kad ste bili najbiliži smrti?

Kad sam imao blagi infarkt. Počeo sam mrziti svoje tijelo: odbijalo je izvršavati svoju dužnost i slijepo me slušati.

• Koja bi jednostavna stvar mogla poboljštati kvalitetu vašeg života?

Da izbjegnem senilnost.

• Što smatrate svojim najvećim postignućem?

Poglavlja u kojima razvijam, po mom mišljenju, dobru interpretaciju Hegela.

• Koja je najvažnija lekcija koju vas je život naučio?

Da je život glupa, besmislena stvar koja te ništa ne može naučiti.

• Odajte nam tajnu.

Komunizam će pobijediti.