NEMANJA: SMIRENOUMLJE

USPAVANKA ZA VILU GRABLJICU

STRAH & DRHTANJE

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home



Uf... Ne mogu prežaliti neke stvari koje sam napravio u životu. I znate što sam naučio iz svog iskustva? Da nikako ne valja biti iskren, da ne valja otvarati dušu, da treba biti lažljivac, prevarant i muljator debelog kalibra, nikad ništa ne priznati, uvijek imati smiješak na licu, negirati svaku stvar koja ti se pripisuje…

Dino Dvornik

Upravo sam dovršio gledanje "Babetine gozbe". Gledao sam je i prije, u ona vremena, koncem osamdesetih, kad sam bio filmski kritičar.
Zapravo, kad sam bio netko drugi, sasvim drugi: imao sam druge snove, druge planove o budućnosti, imao sam snove i planove o budućnosti, kao i drugi.
Prokleti Danci, prokleti Kierkegaard; đavolji strah, više od života, manje od smrti, vražje drhtanje!
U toj Poslanici Filipljanima (2,12), gdje se spominje strah i drhtanje - Tako, ljubljeni moji, vi koji ste uvijek bili poslušni, budite to, ne samo u mojoj nazočnosti, već više sada, u mojoj odsutnosti; sa strahom i drhtanjem ostvarujte svoje spasenje - nalazi se i vrlo jednostavna opomena ili savjet: 1,4 Nek' svatko pazi također i druge, a ne samo sebe.; pričao mi je prijatelj koji je godinama živio u Japanu da je to temelj japanske uljudnosti i uljuđenosti: čuvaju jedni druge!
Mi činimo upravo suprotno: umoran sam od čuvanja sebe od drugih, ostario sam čuvajući druge od sebe; tvrde da je prvo junaštvo, drugo čojstvo - sumnjičav sam spram svih balkanskih moralki, one postoje samo u epovima, kao naknadna, suvišna, hvastava, površna i napokon beskorisna razboritost ili iskustvo.
Uostalom, ovdje ničije iskustvo ništa ne vrijedi: djed nema što namrijeti unuku, jer očevi u ovim krajevima pokapaju sinove, a ne obratno.
Churchill je kazao da Balkan proizvodi previše povijesti, čemu su dokaz prenapućena groblja.
Točno: umoran sam od gustih vremena, dosta mi je ove velike povijesti i ratova, baveći se sudbinom ovog naroda propustio sam cijeli jedan život, svoj život, sve one planove i snove koje sam snivao i kovao neke davne kasne osamdesete, kad je cijeli jedan svijet bio moje igralište, kad je cijeli jedan život čekao na mene!
Umoran sam, moja vilo - zasigurno si to čula toliko puta već prije - i sada bih kao Merlin zaspao i spavao, spaaavaaao, stoljećima, snivajući neki starodrevni san.

Ili sam preplašen svojim godinama?
Ne mislim da sam potrošio život, ali me okolnosti navode na melankoliju: gledam na svijet kao kad se posljednji put, već krenuvši, osvrneš na mjesto koje napuštaš, kao na odlasku.
Ja, koji sam najbolje dane svoga života proveo noću sada umačem pero u njeno crnilo; meni je nesvojstveno biti nujan, to nisam ja, ja sam netko drugi, sasvim drugi, ja sam imao druge planove, imao sam...

Ha, moja vilo, sjedim usred svoje nokturalne samoće, u svojoj **, suočen sa samim sobom, gledajući na jedan od Junakovićevih portreta poput ovoga...



...samo duhovitiji, bolji, monokromni rembrandtovski portret Žapca koji mi stoji sučelice, na malom štafelaju desno od zaslona kompjutera, kao moja osobna anamneza, ironična inačica Doriana Graya ili jednostavno podsjetnik da sam i ja samo čovjek, i mislim si: Dobro, Nemanja, je li to to?
Is this it? That's what it's all about, Manny? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking? Snorting? Then what? You're 50. You got a bag for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it, and you're eating this fuckin' shit, looking like these rich fucking mummies in here... Look at that. A junkie. I got a fuckin' junkie for a wife. She don't eat nothing. Sleeps all day with them black shades on. Wakes up with a Quaalude, and who won't fuck me 'cause she's in a coma. I can't even have a kid with her, Manny. Her womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with her!
Je li to bilo to?
Jednom sam gledao tog Pacina kao dečko koji je znao a ne samo vjerovao da može dobiti Oskara.
Izgleda da sam to u međuvremenu zaboravio - zaboravio sam (na) sebe.
Ne volim kao djevojčica citirati omiljene stihove, ali, na kraju, ipak bih malo zapjevao, tek toliko da razbijemo ovu korotu:

Once in a Lifetime
-----------------------

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Laku noć, vilo, laku noć.
I buhe ti došle u ponoć i moje im pošle u pomoć.
Ili, kako se uspavljivalo dječicu u Agramu Fritza Krleže i Matoša:

Komarc je henuzl muhu,
sikirom po trbuhu,
Komarc, komarc, komarc,
komarc, komarc, komarc!



'Noć!