Your Star
Trebala bih raditi fiziku. Trebala sam raditi fiziku. Ali ne mogu. Možda ne bih trebala ovo ni započinjati, ali svejedno hoću.
Empty and tired. Floating in the void of my mind, barely feeling the bed underneath me. Sleep calls to me, softly enveloping me with her unseen arms and slowly taking my consciousness away. I'm sad. Nostalgic. Wanting all the bad things to disappear, crawl away with their slimy legs and that all that's left be that void, warm and comforting... The room is lit by a little lamp, throwing guarding shades all over it, giving away the feeling of safety. To me, she is far. Doing something, her serene face shaded by the lamp on the side that I can see her on. She turns slightly, leaning her left arm on the chair, putting her chin on it, calmly looking at me. All peace of the world is in her eyes. All calmness. All elegance. Nothing is out there, nothing exists, except the complexity of the shadows and the things in the room, but even they are blurred together.Slowly she gets up, stirring nothing but the ocean of air drifting around, and glides across the room. As if my soul has been evaporating slowly from me, swirling and dissolving slowly in the heights, like smoke from a fire, I can hardly sense and see her coming, everything slowly seems like a mass of deep, evening-dying colors. Gently, she touches my face, putting her palm on my cheek, and I am gone, giving her my soul, my life as her property. A child unconscious in the arms of a stranger accidentally stumbled upon. For I am too weak too hold myself any more. I float in the void of my mind, barely feeling the bed underneath me, floating next to her, by her command.
She takes my heart and guards it safely, embracing it peacefully, tightly in her arms. Sitting next to me on the bed, softly she draws my head to lie on her chest, and I lose all strength. She now holds me in her arms, complete control over me as an existence. I feel unbreakable poles slide around me, melting together in a tight, secure cage. Nothing can get in now. And in a deadly whisper I hear,
"Sleep."
30.11.2007. u 21:36
° 4 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
It didn't have to be this way.
So many memories... Beautiful memories... And pictures in my head... Imaginable pictures, where I can feel the sea breeze blowing through me, the sun burning my skin and stunning me, its reflection in the restless sea hitting my eyes with such an amount of exuberance and gorgeousness... Walking down the dirt-paths on the hill stretching high above the cyan sea, spreading my arms in joy and freedom...!! Not caring, not caring if life has sense in living, rethinking my worthiness and if people like me... Because there is only me, me, the sea, the wind, the sun, the grass, the shade... And it doesn't matter what was or what will be, what has been until now, what's going to be soon, because time does not exist in that spiritual, and yet earthly world of eternal, natural, unspoiled beauty. How many beautiful things I can think of, and even remember! The times where i lived my now only fantasy of beauty, constantly walking with joy, looking over the hills far away, the clouds which were painted with beautiful, gentle, soft and yet impressive, gorgeous colors of the dying sun, meeting all sorts of things on the way, lying peacefully as I dwelt in their beauty, and the sea was my guardian, looking at me from far away and I knew it was there to watch me from afar. And I smiled at it and thanked it and soaked everything around me...
And now... Now I rot in this stuffy, gray world, not fitting in their laws of shallowness, not understanding their ways of life and refusing to act by them because I do not know how. Functioning only in small groups of people, spending my days chattering with them about all sorts of things I'm most of the time indifferent to. Only rarely feeling affection to or from someone, being forced to plaster a smile on my face when Perfection puts me down as her slave, and suffering, bleeding inside as even the things I liked in this Real World are stripped away from me by the Absolute Perfection whose caring friend I have tried to be with all my possible might, and she ignored me, never giving me a caring look of gratitude. After all, I and my caring and love don't mean anything, right?
Now I cannot even enjoy the things that relaxed me and put away every doubt, every misfortune and enveloped me gently, cutting me out of the world I don't fit in, because I am forced to do all the things I do not like doing, hate even, and that tire my soul and my mind. And I have to do them, even though the more I go, the more I cannot live in my body, more less think. And during that time, it haunts me... She can do that. She is not tired. She can do that as much as she wants. Her mind never goes numb. And she will know everything the next day. Only I am tired after so little work. And tears would form. But I do not cry anymore. I refuse to cry. There is no such thing as salvation, no one to wipe the tears. So I don't cry. I'll rather let all the despair and sadness and sickness by my own life well up inside me, until I am too sick to live it all and finally swallow the bottle of pills, lying beautifully on my bed as if I were asleep, than cry. Show them how unworthy and weak I am, bearing their nervous looks and annoyance.
I feel trapped in this world, chained in the middle of a deserted, post-apocalyptic town, with black and grey clouds over me...
I cannot anymore. Do those things. I'm growing tired even as I rest, and cannot think nor do nor remember anything. I do not want to go to school, it only drives me more crazy and tired and desperate, and I feel more and more useless as I bend down more as a slave of the Absolute Perfection and her overall governing over everything I loved.
I want out...
And maybe... If I'll have to... I'll get out... completely.
27.11.2007. u 17:38
° 1 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
How does it feel to be near death?
^_^
Nemurenai.
I can't sleep.
Podočnjaci mi rastu kao iz sata u sat. Neprestano me nešto ometa, bilo izvanjsko, bilo moje vlastite misli, od spavanja. Umor samo postaje veći i ograničava mi misli, ali to je samo dobro. Osjećam se kao omamljena. Kao da sve što radim je čekam smrt. Kao da će doći sama, da ja i ne moram potegnuti vlastitu ruku na sebe. Prije, kad bih na to pomislila, ne bih mogla zaustaviti bujicu suza koja nikako nije prestajala. Sada... Sada sam spokojna. Kao da sam shvatila i pomirila se s činjenicom da je to tako. Kao neka jednostavna jednadžba.
Prije bi mi nada, vječna nada da će doći spas, da će me netko spasiti (prvenstveno Ona s Prekrasnim Očima koja već koliko vremena posjeduje moje srce), ta nada bi mi stvarala očaj, kad bih shvatila, pobojala se, da toga nema. Valjda je to od umora, ali sad više o tome ne razmišljam. Ni o čemu ne razmišljam. Kad bih mogla, legla bih na neku livadu, kraj nekog potoka, i čekala smrt pod svjetlom mjeseca. I ovdje ga vidim, probija se jasni srebrni krug kroz tamu. Osjećam se kao moljac kojeg privlači svjetlo ^^;
Ako bi me pitali kamo sada, ne bih mogla odgovoriti. Ne znam koliko će moj život potrajati. Izdržat ću kroz ponedjeljak, da ne propadne predstava, da ljudi nemaju još jedne štete od mene. A dalje... Ne znam. Više ne tražim spas. Doduše, lagala bih kad bih rekla da nade nema. Ima je, još tinja, želja za spasom i nečijim očima koje me ne daju bezdanu smrti, koje se kunu na vječnu podršku i ljubav. Ali kao da je manje bitna. Kao da nemam ništa protiv da legnem negdje i spokojno zaspim. Zauvijek. Više nemam čak ni snage da zamišljam ljepotu u toj smrti.
Kao da se predajem...
24.11.2007. u 19:19
° 1 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
Holding my last breath... Safe inside myself...
...Am I pretty...?
For if nothing else, I would ike to be a pretty corpse...
Life had sucked all strength from me. I cannot even admire the nature, the freedom around me anymore. I am slowly rotting inside, realizing more and more painful truths I had decided to ignore over the years. Have I searched for so long, brooding about how to live, deciding to live in dreams, or to be dead inside, or to hope, or to feel like I know salvation will come... But now I realize that there are no such things. Life gives us a fantasy, a dream about its greatness, but it's only that. Once you realize it, you have to be strong enough to survive. And I have no more strength.
Long, it seems so long ago, I decided I would live my life through art... Enjoying the sunset, the music, the sea, the clouds, the shade of the trees, the freedom and the majority of it all... And I did. Through all the hatred and contempt and unworthiness life kept throwing at me, I would always feel at ease... Listening to a particular song or watching the warm colors the sunset shot at me.
But someone... someone is having so much fun seeing how much I will last. How funny. And I get the message... There is no escape for me... Through anything... With anyone... Finally I understand how much I do not matter. No matter how hard I try to please people. To do what I think they want. But no... Everything is futile... Until I became numb. Numb to everything. I don't even cry anymore.
I want to run away... Somewhere to regain my strength... My complete happiness and peace just watching and/or listening to things around me. I would like to roam around, finding beauties of every place and in every season... Go about the earth, dance in the rain, float in the find, sleep in the depths of the sea... But my dreams don't matter. My dreams are dirt which people walk upon. And I am a little dirty child, nobody's child, left to die in the cold because people have too many worries to help someone so little and insignificant, destined to die alone, filthy, hungry and tearful... There is no hope for me. Hope is an invented thing. Like art, it's quite useless.
I wish to run away... Somewhere far away... I will be alone, but at least not walked upon, humiliated, and shown about all my unworthiness every day... Just when I think I could live like that, no matter what the situation I'm in is like, somthing new happens to bury me deeper. I believe that now there is no further down I could go... So if only I could run away... One way...
Or the other...
And since nobody cares, what purpose is there to go on? ^_^
24.11.2007. u 09:15
° 0 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
And she slowly watched until there had been no sky to see anymore...
Gomen...
I am truly truly sorry...
Please, free me...
I have tried to find the solution... and have searched for so long, so many nights, countless hours crying, and thinking, and deliberating and brooding and I tried as I have never tried about anything to find a way to break the addiction or at least to realize why it was there in the first place... But I cannot. I cannot! I CANNOT!!!
This is not human!! I'm not human! It is fine, I'm not asking to be one, banish me in shame, kick me out of the human society, make me roam the Earth forever alone, BUT PLEASE LET ME GO!!!
It's a punishment... A punishment for the little disgusting, dirty, small creature that is me to even try to be close to her... For DARING to call her by the personal name, to make her be in as a close relationship as a sister...
I AM SO, SO SORRY!!!!!!
Even as I thought, countless times that I had found a way to make her as unimportant in my life as any other friend, no... No... How wrong had I been...
I cannot think straight when she is nearby. My body will do anything, anything just to meet her, talk to her, be with her as long as possible. I do things I'd never do if she wasn't there... Or if it was anyone else... I'd be late... Go to the far ends of the city... Anything... My heart beats when I think of her, know i could meet her... I have given her my heart, my soul, my very being... How I trusted her, even though I knew she didn't care... My heart screamed it and yelled and shouted and I knew it...
How I loved her... My onee-chan.... How I longed to have her as my onee-chan... Onee-sama... My protector, the one who loves me... Who wipes my tears... How I longed for her love...
I have gone overboard. The picture of her face is cut into my memory, carved by a knife of ice and painted by blood... Her voice draws blood from my ears... I cannot forget her, and even when I do, I cannot do things I like, am always beaten by the Perfect One, ignored, looked over... And I live with all these things, because I know and I realize I'm too insignificant to complain, I do not deserve to be treated differently because I am no one, but I know that once there was someone who'd listened to me, who'd pried the despair from my heart, to whom I'd send messages of my tears, wha'd made me feel that I mattered...
And that only person was her.
I knew she didn't really want to know... That she was worried only in the extent of a friend... That she thought of me but a couple times a month... She had her real friends to care about, to mourn and to listen to... But still, she had pretended that she cared, that she wanted to see into my hurt and wounded heart, and wouldn't talk of anything else until I told her... And i gave her my soul in those words... My heart.... My being... My spirit... All that was me... And she didn't care.... She didn't know how much it hurt me... to lay my soul in front of her, and after that she'd turn to her things, rarely thinking of me...
I know now, it was wrong to lay out my filthy, torn, unworthy soul in front of her, to stain her white hands with my monstrous heart, bothering her friend who didn't deserve that (I'm sorry, Dunja-hime... So sorry... For everything...) and now I have my punishment.......
Now I continue living my little life, with the small number of joys as it is. Holding out in the shadows, trying to make it in the rain and in the cold, suffering from everything screaming of my filth and through my loneliness... Until I cannot anymore...
...I never asked to be a human... Banish me from the riches of human life... Let me roam the earth like the dirty spirit that I am... Just set me free...
21.11.2007. u 21:28
° 0 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
Napravih prvi početni post samo zbog početka, makar i nije neki početak. 
Nadam se da ću imati barem nekog za čitatelja, inače ovo baš i nema nekog smisla... :) Potrošila sam freaking sate tražeći pravi podložak za blog, a ne znam čak ni koliko će to potrajati xD Ali svejedno, neću si staviti Britney Spears podložak. Čak i ako moram žrtvovati sate koje inače trošim u blaženom besposličarenju :D
Danas je pao snijeg. Prvi snijeg ove godine. Ne mogu vjerovat da ga je palo tako puno tako rano! Sve se dosad otopilo, ali ipak... Inače je to tek negdje polovicom prvog...
Nekako je to strašno romantično. 8:20 ujutro u subotu, latinski, osjećam se malaksalo i nekako lebdeće od umora od prokletog tjedna, a vani pahuljice samo lepršaju. Lagano, lagano... Njišu se dok padaju. Tako je nekako umirujuće i smirujuće. Zaboravila sam kakav je to osjećaj. Ali baš to, žamor u razredu, Dukatica radi svoje, a vani, daleko, beyond the window, snijeg polagano pada. Takve te stvari samo iznenade. Dok si shrvan vanjskim svijetom koji te gnječi i ne da ti da dišeš, odjednom, iznenada, samo se pojavi ta mala sitnica u kojoj se utapaš i brige više nema... Jednostavno nije važna. Ali treba to naučiti nalaziti... Ima milijun takvih sitnih stvari svud oko nas, za svačiji ukus, ali se ne shvaća ona izreka "Treba uživati u malim stvarima." Ali možda, to je samo za ljude poput mene, koji nemaju dovoljno velikih stvari za uživanje, pa moraju tražiti male. Bar to ne ovisi o tebi kao osobi. ^__^
Čekam da počne Ples sa zvijezdama... :DD Bože, kako je ples prekrasna stvar... Baš sam danas gledala neki kineski cirkus, Cirque Phenix. 
Šta ti ljudi rade, to nije normalno. Oni nemaju tijela, oni imaju savršeno izbalansirane stlačive jake gume umjesto tijela X_____x Kad dođe njih trideset i svi se postroje u savršenu piramidu na dva jadna biciklića koji jedva da imaju lanac (a za kočnice ne znam O.o) i tak se voze jedno deset metara, ili kad imaju neke stvarčice koje prevrću nas nekoj špagici, bace tu stvarčicu, prekobicnu se jedan preko drugoga, preko cijelog podija, skaču uokolo i uhvate onu stvarčicu natrag na špagu koju je bacio netko s druge strane podija XDDD Ali, koliko žrtava oni moraju napraviti za to.... Neki lik, najmlađi u tom cirkusu, ima trinaest godina. Šta radi lik O______O Ali zato je otišao od doma kad mi je bilo šest, dolazi doma valjda jednom u dvije godine, nema pojma kad će sljedeći put vidjeti obitelj... Za to moraš početi trenirati kad ti je valjda jedna godina 
Ma, svakakvih ljudi ima na ovom svijetu.
No, dobro, odoh ja. Ugodan vikend ^_^
17.11.2007. u 19:11
° 2 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
Početak
Ba-ba-ba-baaaam... Eto, nakon milijuna drugih, i ja sam započela svoj blog. Čisto tako, jer već imam ideju što bih mogla upisivati, pa to možda i potraje. A možda je to samo jedan od mojih hireva, pa ćemo vidjeti! Ako ga itko i pogleda... 
17.11.2007. u 19:02
° 0 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
