Himitsu
Purezento ni... arigatou.
~*~
Najveća tvoja želja je upravo ono što ti se nikad neće ostvariti. I ti ćeš to znati.
Nisu li upravo te želje te koje nas gone naprijed? Zbog kojih nastavljamo. Bez obzira na sve, ne prestajemo hodati, cijeli život, prema cilju koji ne vidimo.
Ostavila sam komadić duše u tebi. Nesvjesno, neželjeno. Nikad ga nisam dobila natrag, nikad ni neću. Ne znam zašto se dogodilo niti što se dogodilo, ne znam tko sam bila i čime sam bila vladana. Još uvijek jesam. Toliko toga za reći, povjeriti... Ali onda... Shvatim. Gdje sam li to zaglibila? Daleko, daleko, izvan ičijih očiju, iza ičijeg shvaćanja. Zar bi itko razumio? Bijelo bi me gledala, ne shvaćala. Ne mogu je kriviti, pa ne shvaćam ni ja... Samo što je to u meni pa prihvaćam da jednostavno tako jest. Ali pitala bi se, što sam li to ja? O čemu to bljezgarim?
Ali ne želim se odreći svojih snova. Nešto tako posebno kod mene, moj svijet kojeg ja shvaćam, koji mi uvijek pruža utjehu, koji je sušta ljepota, koji mi pomaže prepoznati pravu, nepatvorenu ljepotu u stvarnom svijetu. Kojeg neću dopustiti da unište "pravila" i "logika".
Jedina situacija u kojoj nikad nisam imala kontrolu.
Jedina koju nikad neću shvatiti, dok sam živa.
Zašto?
Kesenai Negai.
Persistant Wish.
Je li to moj križ kojeg moram nositi? Moja slabost. Moja prevelika slabost, zbog koje sam griješila; svaki moj postupak vezan uz to bio je nepopravljiva pogreška.
Ne postoji apsolutna sloboda, ali postoji velik dio slobode koji možemo vlastitim rukama napraviti, iskrojiti svoj život po našoj volji, sreći, blagostima, ljepoti. Ima toliko stvari koje su bogomdane, a koje ni ne primjećujemo... Velika nepravda prema onima koji nisu tako sretni.
Prihvati to sa smiješkom.
Da, to je moj teret. I nosit ću ga koliko god budem mogla, najbolje što budem mogla. Tiho, u sebi, bez prigovaranja, bez tužakanja... ovo je jedna stvar koju nitko ne može olakšati, ili odnijeti. Težina u srcu koja uvijek mora biti tamo kako ne bi odletjeli previše prema nebu...
I tako treba nastaviti.
Bez obzira koliko bolno bilo.
~*~
Donna koto atte ni mo, aruite tsudzukeru no. Utsukushisa no ashita he...
~*~
Through my whole life, there is a smile on my face. Some ups, some downs, some revelations, some void, some peace... But there is an eternal, light smile.
But, deep inside, one little thing pains and hurts and bleeds. Deep inside.
One eternal source of loneliness.
Always hidden, forbidden, painful words of relief never uttered...
>
"Užasno mi nedostaješ."
31.03.2008. u 22:07
° 3 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
One Final Goodbye
"Nee, look what I've done.... Aren't you proud of me,
Onee-chan?"
Breaking through the allegedly unbreakable walls, I fly with a gravity-defying leap, outside of the small world I had been trapped in; a world controlled by someone else with his desire to play.
Never.
More.
Fly away, Shiroi Tenshou.... White Angel. Go away, back to your own world, to cry and despair and wallow in blood you've put on yourself. You liar, deceiver... Nonchalantly you lie, it's as easy for you as telling the time, no ounce of regret, not a flicker of doubt. Most despicable. But no more... Once, you told me I was nothing but a child. It is true. But no more am I a child than you. No more are you mature than me. You keep saying and conveying the pain, the nine rings of hell, the horrors you are going through, cry out at the cruelty of this world... But that is all you know. You paint your own wings black, your own chest red. Your own choice to crawl in a dark corner and cut yourself so you would bleed... Do you have the courage to live? No more am I child than you, Shiroi Tenshou. Fallen idol.
I have given you all of myself. Everything I am, used to be. My wishes, my desires, my dreams, myself. You took them, even though I told you you didn't have to, that you could just turn away and everything would be fine. You took them, turned around and threw them in the nearest waste basket on your way home, right in front of my eyes.
Never.
More...
No more shall you allude me. I will break through this wall of hurt received by you and fly with my newborn wings away...To freedom. And I am going to do what you never did. I am going to live. I am going to accept every chance of love given to me, and bask in the sun and the sea. No matter how many bad things there are going to be, I won't be alone. Because I've chosen that. I've chosen life. Am I not worthy enough of love? Don't I have a right not to be surrounded by cheaters and people that use me?
And you... Stay in the fires of hell you obviously so much enjoy bathing in, keep filthying your own soul and darkening your world. For I have moved on.
One Final Goodbye.
15.03.2008. u 11:15
° 4 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
Everyday, it's a-getting closer, rolling faster than a rollercoaster...
I finally understood who the real hime-sama was.
For months have I been waiting... For the sun. To clear the sky, to make the thick gray clouds to disappear, to illuminate the sky, the roads, the trees... And now, I can even feel the scent of the sea tease my tongue. The constantly moving surface of deep liquid glass feels soft on my fingertips, the sea breeze caresses my face, as if She was brushing it softly, with that nifty smile of hers.
And finally... I can breathe. Opening my eyes, rising from the gray tomb that had me dead for all these months of darkness. I cannot even remember all those... Weeks of coldness and grayness... And now... I soak in the light of the sun. Warming me up, giving me life.
You said once....
That nobody was ever going to love me.
That nobody was ever going to care.
But guess what.
Guess what, Shiroi Tenshou.
I have the love of a Hime-sama. Never is she sad by her own. Never does her cheeriness end. Always nurtured, always taken care of. Always loved. Does she know any of the tortures of the world? Does she know of the darkness, of the filth, of the fires of Hell? She doesn't. Does not even know they exist. She is beautiful. And can be spoiled sometimes...
And she took her rose-colored lenses for me. For me, Tenshou-chan. She abandoned the world where happiness has no boundaries. Where sadness had never crept in. And her face had the expression of a soul whose heart had been ripped from her chest and her lover had cut it in pieces before her. She was sad for me. She didn't have to help me. She didn't have to talk to me, she didn't have to hold me. She just cared. Arigatou, Hime-sama...
I wondered. Instead of telling me how nobody was ever going to love me... Why didn't you just love me?
Usotsuki.
Neh, Tenshou-chan.
I admire those who manage for their thoughts to be flowing in their words the same as they're flowing in their minds. Their poems are eternal, but never heard of. Their stories whisper inaudibly of feelings never to be described by words... And each of their stories is a universe by itself, a universe so perfectly coordinated and set by rules that you float in their abyss... and every move you make is perfection.
Pity I cannot do that.
I talk too much about myself, I guess. I have no talent... But at least I appreciate it more than most of people... and enjoy them. So... People who have the ability to change the reality with their pen... Don't stop writing.
Suki da yo, Fakia-sama...
I can feel the scent of the sea. It's calm, as if trying to reach me with each wave. The sun is sending its last beauties for today, sinking, falling beneath the horizon in a slowly fading glory. The sea softly sings tonight's melody, as the evening breeze plays with my hair. Playful like Her...
I sit here, in my dream, watching my existence, watching the only things I need. Still, I cannot forget. The stone is still there, despite all reason, and I cannot move it. The memories still allude me, even though I realize it might have been all just my imagination. That you never existed in the first place. That you are separate from her, that you've possessed her in my mind. But, i know it is not only that; I have wanted things that are real, outside of my world. I still do... All the broken promises, all the lies. I still cannot fight them, cannot shake them off. After all, I am still a child, right? But lies are everywhere, from everyone. Nothing is really true.
And though wildly my mind beats against them, the soul obeys... and believes them.
Where shall this road take me? How far does it continue? And where to? I don't know.
But... For now... It's been quite a ride. And I'll continue down it... As long as there's sun to warm my back on the way....
Minna-sama e... Kisu! ^___^
12.03.2008. u 14:16
° 1 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
