Paradise Lost
...Its's only in my mind. Not realize. No, I must be dreaming.
She hums to herself silently, in the dark - seemingly the only thing alive.
It has been so dark lately. So damn dark. The awful orange light doesn't help the darkness, a small flicker of light among it does nothing. It scares me, Onee-sama... Why must it be so dark...?
I've been...sad, Onee-sama. Lately. And I've been cold. And I've been in depths of despair deeper than ever before. I couldn't even get out by myself this time... You realize how awful it must have been...
I don't believe them, you know. Because it can't be. Not you. Without you, I cannot fight. Without you, I realize that in all this darkness, there is not light ahead. No light at all. What can you do in darkness thick around you, but fall. Fall endlessly, hopelessly... For that's what I have done. Lost hope. Lost all my hope. So no... whatever they may be saying, for no matter how long you do not answer me, no matter how deep they say you're buried, I don't believe them. Because taking your hand among all this darkness, it keeps me alive. It keeps me above the surface. And I do not even notice if there's light ahead or not. So no... You haven't left me. You can't. You couldn't. You... didn't...
Things have changed, Onee-sama. Beyond recognition, somehow... I do not feel like myself anymore. Like I am a completely different person. And people have changed. And feelings have changed. And it has all grown into coldness. A deserted, gray world. No one's around, only cold winds blow their way through everything mercilessly. Sometimes I feel, One-sama... As if I had lost my dreams. Like they've run away from me, and I cannot find them anymore. And to what? Heh. To this reality. Where nothing is stable. Where nothing is beautiful. Where one can find comfort only moving to the beats of music that is so horrendously loud that it leaves ears humming hours later. Feels as if I had lost them to shots of tequila, sips of martini, cold taste of juice-vodka. And I stumble upon my path, and look back on myself... And wonder, where have I gone. Where have they taken me...?
It is hard without you. Too hard, and too strange. But no... No more. I can't let it.
As if I were growing up, Nee-sama.
But I do not want to.
And they're making me. Forcing me. I cannot resist them, I don't know how. Who is it? I don't know. Whoever it is that said we had to grow up.
Onee-sama...!
Let me cry, would you...? Just a little... Just to get it out...
All the betrayal, all the coldness. All the harshness. And I must stand there, with a smile.
So let me cry.
Neh, Onee-sama...
How strange some things turn out to be.
All a huge charade, a show.
A dazzling turn of events, life's stream as it digs its ways in strange directions.
After weeks of separation, of lack of any kind of communication, anything.
"I've come to tell you you used the wrong word in your message."
Ha ha, look, I really did, silly me. ^_^
How unusual. She, of all people, still gives me the tightest, the longest embraces. Seemingly warm words, happy, excited. Nothing short of goodness. Then she turns away, and walks in the other direction. I do too, with a smile on my face, words of a short, kind farewell still on my lips. And in that sharp moment, her turning away, her face of stone, there it is. The blindingly pale loneliness, unjustified feeling of abandonment. The thick water pulling me under. Stupid girl, aren't I. And I swallow it.
Walking away, barely keeping my pieces together, not to cry twice in front of everyone, but even so visibly falling apart, I hear her laugh in the toilet. Having so much fun. Joking around. And she talks and chats as I shiver in tears. Where was I when you needed reassurance? Where was I when you needed help? Where was I when you needed unconditional love?
Damn her.
So excited I was. Many people turned down, said they had things to do. It's alright, I had friends who'd come, didn't I, Onee-sama? He he. Sure I did.
"Produkcija. 19 o'clock. Be there. :D"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I can't. He's sick and this might be the chance to work things out."
... ....
A smile, Onee-sama. A smile. :) Okay then. Good luck. ^.^
Heavy in my chest, but I bury it. I bury it deep. It's still just as heavy, but now at least I don't see it, don't look at it. But all kinds of things to cover it. And what do I bury...?
In reality, I bury myself, Onee-sama. My former self. My sensual self. Myself so full of emotion, full of dreams, full of childhood.
And indiffirence is born.
I know, that somewhere deep inside, that former self cries out in pain and agony of those beautiful days. Screams for the feelings lost under a pile of covering it up, burying it in the closet instead of showing it. Too bad I didn't have anyone to show it to...
Liars. She whispers bitterly. Liars. Deceivers. And I must smile at them. As if nothing had happened.
It'll turn out, Nee-sama.... that my heart will harden of all the rejection, all the betrayal. And I shall become a gray person in an awfully gray world. I HATE it. I DESPISE it. But it's how it's going to happen.
If only I were with you.
If only I could hold your hand safely cupped between mine....
You know, Onee-sama. I met a prince. No - he isn't a prince. He isn't from a fairy tale. He is a magical being, real as the gray world around us. Things he does only by existing, Onee-sama... In his eyes, in his face, in his smile, there is magic. Untouchable as a god, as a sprite of the sky. And all of it he keeps inside himself. As if he were unaware of all that he is. An incredible being, Onee-sama. There are boys of beauty, of kindness, of humour, of instant likableness, i've met them all. But he... Nothing like that have I met until now. And I die every time I see him. And listen to him sing...
There is something ultimately loving in his hands... When he puts them gently on the girl's arms from behind. And in his lips, as he presses them against her forehead.
The forehead kiss, Onee-sama.
The kiss meant only to the ones you love more than yourself. That leaves a mark of utmost affection. Ultimate giving yourself. The one I have never seen live outside of family. The one I once would have given anything if I could give it to you.
See, Onee-sama. Traces of magic in the gray world. Someone like that so close. To almost be able to touch him. And yet, So below him. So far away. So ashamed for being me.
I feel, somewhere deep inside, my former self mourning painfully for that fact. But now, all I can muster... is indifference.
So many feelings that are still there, buried under a mask of indifference, that is becoming real. So many feelings, emotions racing through. Still feel them. But they are not getting through. Not risk falling apart any time soon.
And now, another young person in the crowd, just out of a tram, making her way through. Another blonde, another red scarf.
My face doesn't change as I turn aside to talk with a friend I'm going home with.
Life likes to play cruelly, doesn't it.
Onee-sama...
I miss you.
26.10.2008. u 20:15
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