One song. One world.
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Boomp3.com
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Duboki udah. Lagan izdisaj kroz dvije lagano rastvorene usne. Mali prsni koš se stisne.
Volim. Volim pjesmu koja me budi u mraku za školu. Iako je tematika tamna, ima nešto neizmjerno toplo u melodiji i u njegovom glasu, kojeg stavim ispod jastuka, pod uho, da mi šapuæe kroz san. Tako mi je drag. vlastitim rukama razderi sjeæanja dalekih dana zaustavi korijen daha tuge hajde probodi moje srce obujmljeno ljubavlju
Fullmetal Alchemist. Volim slatki okus èokolade za doruèak koji me tješi, dok iznutra vapim za snom koji me tako ispunjava. Vitalis crunchy pillows. Heh.
Volim miris Marijine kuæe i put u njenu sobu, koja nosi nešto tajanstveno, slatko i mraèno u sebi, dah drevnoæe. Ona to niti ne zna. Volim zagrliti Zrinku, u kojim trenucima ne postojim, i volim kad me ona èvrsto zagrli natrag. Volim Amyn glas koji mi odzvanja u glavi. Volim satove kad okrenem zadnju stranicu u bilježnici i crtam oèi na djevojèici koje odražavaju cijeli moj svijet. Volim kad pjevam za svoju sestru. Volim svoj ljubièasti winamp. Volim sjediti u praznoj dvorani vjeènosti gdje najmanji zvuk odjekuje i gledati kroz prozor išaran oknima koji se proteže, duž cijelog zida i èiji vrh ne vidim; i gledati, a ne vidjeti. Volim reæi 'volim' makar moja cijela duša krvari i jedva da dišem. Volim.
Ali.
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to... entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the IMPRINT is always there."
I sit softly on the cold stone floor. I place my bag next to me and lie on it, facing the opening that presented the missing wall of the long abandoned stone house, now dirty and full of dust. My black mp3 releases its sounds through the cheap, small headphones, hanging around my neck on a black string. I pretend my jacket keeps me warm.
And watch the blindingly white sky pour rain hard upon the ground. Nothing but green outside. Plants and grass and trees and bushes I cannot set a limit to. And I listen to the rain crashing against the dirt and stone through her melancholic voice.
The pain that grips you.
The fear that binds you.
So gray is the sky. So narrow, so low, so heavy. Lead is planted inside my heart, inside my chest, but I swallow it down, ignore it and let the song make me believe it's relieving me of it. I can even ignore the sounds of the rain... But it does not falter. I watch the sky... Embracing the thick, dense piece of lead pulling me down. And feel Despair creeping in next to me, stroking my face with its long, thin, cold fingers.
Releases life in me.
And I surrender to wishful thinking. Back to the times when the sun brought out colour in the things around me. When I basked in its warmth, in all the people around me.When the world was pink because I felt it should be so. But I don't like that pink world, not really. There's no reason for it to be so.
In our mutual
Shame we idolize
The poison of loneliness runs through my veins again and numbs me to disable the making pain sharpen less in movements of the body. And I cannot move. And cannot breathe.
To blind them from the truth that finds a way from who we are.
"If only!" I whisper suddenly. My voice echoes in the small empty space. What if... What if I had insisted? What if I had dared, what if I had stolen that little part of soul that belongs to eternity. The one that makes one admire a simple gleam of the moon upon the trees, or upon the ground in the moment when there is no speech or thought of beauty, where there are only friends, and jokes and alcohol and kidding ones around. The one which makes one's entire world and being in short splits of seconds, where there are no names or ages or hair colour, where there is only the soul. The part of soul which gleams in moments like those. What if I had taken it without permission for my own, stole the little piece of soul, stole the time and stole the hands and the embraces and made them my own?
Please don't be afraid!
When the darkness fades away,
The dawn will break the silence!...
I can feel her voice in my ear, turn around to meet with her smile and a special light in her eyes.
Screaming in our hearts.
Imaginary.
My love for you still grows
Isn't it lovely to envelope yourself in surrealities so absurd to make you question your sanity. What if..? Isn't it fun to play with absurdities that couldn't have been even if you bent the limits of the physical world?
This I do for you
I am so alone.
The one statement bounces the grayish white walls, slides into the rain and is lost in the whiteness, grayness of the despicable sky. It's just a statement.
Before I try to fight the truth
my final time
Who knows, maybe it could be better if I closed my eyes. Who knows?
Well... not me. They're still open. They feel not mine to close.
My thoughts wander somewhere upwards as a strange voice does a strange melody that dances like clumsy, high waves. You cannot not listen to her. How strange.
...Cant wash it all away.
Can't wish it all away.
...what? but why? really...?
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
...Indeed. Lead. Heavy. Dense. Poisonous. And yet invisible. No one can see, no one can help.
And you cannot reach into your chest to take it out. Buried forever.
Numb.
Lying beside you - listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
My utter devotion. My utter sorrow. Inability to move in space and time from the ancient place of cold monuments. I still stand upon the dark earth. In the same condition. With the same hidden tears heavy in my chest. Still as the stones around me.
Hold and speak to me... Of love without a sound...
And I yearn, again, for arms around me. For warmth. For the smell of clothes around me. For a tight... tight... embrace.
Tell me you will live through this and I will die for you.
If I had your hand in mine.
If I could kneel before the force I'm so devoted to.
Cast me not away...!
Say you'll be with me
Pleading eyes. grip the soft hand firmly in their hold.
For I know
I cannot
Bear it all alone
No...
Stretched on the stone floor. Watching the world which lost its colour... Coldness seeps to the bone. Despair tears the chest open. Loneliness numbs the body. Tears lay unshed.
Can't fight it all away. Can't hope it all away.
Can't *scream* it all away, it just won't fade away
Yes. The pain never goes out. The despair never leaves. The disease never stops, the insides rot all the time.
Such need for tears. But they don't come out. And I keep falling into darkness. Deeper and deeper and deeper...
Ouuhh, Can't wash it all away Can't wish it all away Can't cry it all away Can't scratch it all away, yeah, yeah
yeah
I stop paying attention as her voice echoes in darkness. With no light, no energy, no life.
With black eyes.
(Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away.......)
14.09.2008. u 21:07
° 4 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
