Marketing
It didn't have to be this way.
So many memories... Beautiful memories... And pictures in my head... Imaginable pictures, where I can feel the sea breeze blowing through me, the sun burning my skin and stunning me, its reflection in the restless sea hitting my eyes with such an amount of exuberance and gorgeousness... Walking down the dirt-paths on the hill stretching high above the cyan sea, spreading my arms in joy and freedom...!! Not caring, not caring if life has sense in living, rethinking my worthiness and if people like me... Because there is only me, me, the sea, the wind, the sun, the grass, the shade... And it doesn't matter what was or what will be, what has been until now, what's going to be soon, because time does not exist in that spiritual, and yet earthly world of eternal, natural, unspoiled beauty. How many beautiful things I can think of, and even remember! The times where i lived my now only fantasy of beauty, constantly walking with joy, looking over the hills far away, the clouds which were painted with beautiful, gentle, soft and yet impressive, gorgeous colors of the dying sun, meeting all sorts of things on the way, lying peacefully as I dwelt in their beauty, and the sea was my guardian, looking at me from far away and I knew it was there to watch me from afar. And I smiled at it and thanked it and soaked everything around me...
And now... Now I rot in this stuffy, gray world, not fitting in their laws of shallowness, not understanding their ways of life and refusing to act by them because I do not know how. Functioning only in small groups of people, spending my days chattering with them about all sorts of things I'm most of the time indifferent to. Only rarely feeling affection to or from someone, being forced to plaster a smile on my face when Perfection puts me down as her slave, and suffering, bleeding inside as even the things I liked in this Real World are stripped away from me by the Absolute Perfection whose caring friend I have tried to be with all my possible might, and she ignored me, never giving me a caring look of gratitude. After all, I and my caring and love don't mean anything, right?
Now I cannot even enjoy the things that relaxed me and put away every doubt, every misfortune and enveloped me gently, cutting me out of the world I don't fit in, because I am forced to do all the things I do not like doing, hate even, and that tire my soul and my mind. And I have to do them, even though the more I go, the more I cannot live in my body, more less think. And during that time, it haunts me... She can do that. She is not tired. She can do that as much as she wants. Her mind never goes numb. And she will know everything the next day. Only I am tired after so little work. And tears would form. But I do not cry anymore. I refuse to cry. There is no such thing as salvation, no one to wipe the tears. So I don't cry. I'll rather let all the despair and sadness and sickness by my own life well up inside me, until I am too sick to live it all and finally swallow the bottle of pills, lying beautifully on my bed as if I were asleep, than cry. Show them how unworthy and weak I am, bearing their nervous looks and annoyance.
I feel trapped in this world, chained in the middle of a deserted, post-apocalyptic town, with black and grey clouds over me...
I cannot anymore. Do those things. I'm growing tired even as I rest, and cannot think nor do nor remember anything. I do not want to go to school, it only drives me more crazy and tired and desperate, and I feel more and more useless as I bend down more as a slave of the Absolute Perfection and her overall governing over everything I loved.
I want out...
And maybe... If I'll have to... I'll get out... completely.
Post je objavljen 27.11.2007. u 17:38 sati.