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And she slowly watched until there had been no sky to see anymore...
Gomen...
I am truly truly sorry...
Please, free me...
I have tried to find the solution... and have searched for so long, so many nights, countless hours crying, and thinking, and deliberating and brooding and I tried as I have never tried about anything to find a way to break the addiction or at least to realize why it was there in the first place... But I cannot. I cannot! I CANNOT!!!
This is not human!! I'm not human! It is fine, I'm not asking to be one, banish me in shame, kick me out of the human society, make me roam the Earth forever alone, BUT PLEASE LET ME GO!!!
It's a punishment... A punishment for the little disgusting, dirty, small creature that is me to even try to be close to her... For DARING to call her by the personal name, to make her be in as a close relationship as a sister...
I AM SO, SO SORRY!!!!!!
Even as I thought, countless times that I had found a way to make her as unimportant in my life as any other friend, no... No... How wrong had I been...
I cannot think straight when she is nearby. My body will do anything, anything just to meet her, talk to her, be with her as long as possible. I do things I'd never do if she wasn't there... Or if it was anyone else... I'd be late... Go to the far ends of the city... Anything... My heart beats when I think of her, know i could meet her... I have given her my heart, my soul, my very being... How I trusted her, even though I knew she didn't care... My heart screamed it and yelled and shouted and I knew it...
How I loved her... My onee-chan.... How I longed to have her as my onee-chan... Onee-sama... My protector, the one who loves me... Who wipes my tears... How I longed for her love...
I have gone overboard. The picture of her face is cut into my memory, carved by a knife of ice and painted by blood... Her voice draws blood from my ears... I cannot forget her, and even when I do, I cannot do things I like, am always beaten by the Perfect One, ignored, looked over... And I live with all these things, because I know and I realize I'm too insignificant to complain, I do not deserve to be treated differently because I am no one, but I know that once there was someone who'd listened to me, who'd pried the despair from my heart, to whom I'd send messages of my tears, wha'd made me feel that I mattered...
And that only person was her.
I knew she didn't really want to know... That she was worried only in the extent of a friend... That she thought of me but a couple times a month... She had her real friends to care about, to mourn and to listen to... But still, she had pretended that she cared, that she wanted to see into my hurt and wounded heart, and wouldn't talk of anything else until I told her... And i gave her my soul in those words... My heart.... My being... My spirit... All that was me... And she didn't care.... She didn't know how much it hurt me... to lay my soul in front of her, and after that she'd turn to her things, rarely thinking of me...
I know now, it was wrong to lay out my filthy, torn, unworthy soul in front of her, to stain her white hands with my monstrous heart, bothering her friend who didn't deserve that (I'm sorry, Dunja-hime... So sorry... For everything...) and now I have my punishment.......
Now I continue living my little life, with the small number of joys as it is. Holding out in the shadows, trying to make it in the rain and in the cold, suffering from everything screaming of my filth and through my loneliness... Until I cannot anymore...
...I never asked to be a human... Banish me from the riches of human life... Let me roam the earth like the dirty spirit that I am... Just set me free...
Post je objavljen 21.11.2007. u 21:28 sati.