It didn't have to be this way.
So many memories... Beautiful memories... And pictures in my head... Imaginable pictures, where I can feel the sea breeze blowing through me, the sun burning my skin and stunning me, its reflection in the restless sea hitting my eyes with such an amount of exuberance and gorgeousness... Walking down the dirt-paths on the hill stretching high above the cyan sea, spreading my arms in joy and freedom...!! Not caring, not caring if life has sense in living, rethinking my worthiness and if people like me... Because there is only me, me, the sea, the wind, the sun, the grass, the shade... And it doesn't matter what was or what will be, what has been until now, what's going to be soon, because time does not exist in that spiritual, and yet earthly world of eternal, natural, unspoiled beauty. How many beautiful things I can think of, and even remember! The times where i lived my now only fantasy of beauty, constantly walking with joy, looking over the hills far away, the clouds which were painted with beautiful, gentle, soft and yet impressive, gorgeous colors of the dying sun, meeting all sorts of things on the way, lying peacefully as I dwelt in their beauty, and the sea was my guardian, looking at me from far away and I knew it was there to watch me from afar. And I smiled at it and thanked it and soaked everything around me...
And now... Now I rot in this stuffy, gray world, not fitting in their laws of shallowness, not understanding their ways of life and refusing to act by them because I do not know how. Functioning only in small groups of people, spending my days chattering with them about all sorts of things I'm most of the time indifferent to. Only rarely feeling affection to or from someone, being forced to plaster a smile on my face when Perfection puts me down as her slave, and suffering, bleeding inside as even the things I liked in this Real World are stripped away from me by the Absolute Perfection whose caring friend I have tried to be with all my possible might, and she ignored me, never giving me a caring look of gratitude. After all, I and my caring and love don't mean anything, right?
Now I cannot even enjoy the things that relaxed me and put away every doubt, every misfortune and enveloped me gently, cutting me out of the world I don't fit in, because I am forced to do all the things I do not like doing, hate even, and that tire my soul and my mind. And I have to do them, even though the more I go, the more I cannot live in my body, more less think. And during that time, it haunts me... She can do that. She is not tired. She can do that as much as she wants. Her mind never goes numb. And she will know everything the next day. Only I am tired after so little work. And tears would form. But I do not cry anymore. I refuse to cry. There is no such thing as salvation, no one to wipe the tears. So I don't cry. I'll rather let all the despair and sadness and sickness by my own life well up inside me, until I am too sick to live it all and finally swallow the bottle of pills, lying beautifully on my bed as if I were asleep, than cry. Show them how unworthy and weak I am, bearing their nervous looks and annoyance.
I feel trapped in this world, chained in the middle of a deserted, post-apocalyptic town, with black and grey clouds over me...
I cannot anymore. Do those things. I'm growing tired even as I rest, and cannot think nor do nor remember anything. I do not want to go to school, it only drives me more crazy and tired and desperate, and I feel more and more useless as I bend down more as a slave of the Absolute Perfection and her overall governing over everything I loved.
I want out...
And maybe... If I'll have to... I'll get out... completely.
27.11.2007. u 17:38
° 1 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
design: moi
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coments no/si?
Opis bloga
Mjesto gdje moja malenkost namjerava upisivati što je pukne i kad je pukne i na kojem jeziku je pukne. ;)
~O meni~
Dreams, thoghts, hopes and the spirit of a girl once called Hime-sama... Who wants to be one... Who aspires for her life and being to express elegance and art...
Volim ili obožavam (ili obožavam ili volim):
- more
- anime
- pjevati
- eleganciju
- crtati
- glazbu
- prirodu
- plesati
- svoju obitelj
- pisati
- èitati
- pristojnost
- mjuzikle
- dobre filmove i predstave
- biti na pozornici
- lijepu odjeæu
- lijepu šminku
- Japan
- japanski
- francuski
- grèki
- latinski
- prevoditi
- e-mail
- istinu
- snove
.
.
.
Snovi (stvarni ili nestvarni):
- postati seiyuu
- pjevati kao Amy Lee
- znati japanski skoro kao materinji
- dobro znati francuski
- dug vijek i puno komentara ovog bloga xD
- nepresušan izvor dobrih pjesama
- usavršiti crtanje i bojanje u kompjuterskim programima
- duga jaka lijepa kosa (XD)
- imati klavir za vježbanje
- znati ga svirati xD
- biti sretna
.
.
.
ANIME:
SHOUJO KAKUMEI UTENA!!!
Air
Basilisk
Fruits basket
Sailor Moon
Kimi Ga Nozomu Eien
Super Gals (dijelom)
Koi Kaze
Aa Megami Sama
Reservoir Chronicle Tsubasa (dijelom)
Pokemon (da xDD)
Digimon (još veæi da xDDD)
Digimon Tamers (što reæi?)
Candy Candy
Dragon Ball (dijelom... xDDD)
Nadam se da æe ova lista narasti veelika... :D
MANGA
Mei-chan No Shitsuji
Princess Ai
Tokyo Mew Mew (arigatou, Onee-chan and Dunja-hime!)
Tsubasa Chronicle (dijelom)
Namida Nochi Happi- Endo (Happy End After the Tears)
Shuffle (dijelom)
___________________________________
MUZIKA
All time favorites:
~*~
Ogata Megumi-sama
Evanescence
Anime OP&ED
Jean Michel Jarre
The Phantom of the Opera
~*~
Lijep stil i/ili slušam ponekad:
Velvet Underground
Johnny Cash
Nick Cave
Darko Rundek
Vaya Con Dios
Sinead O'Connor
Om
Pink Floyd
I sve što mi zapne za uho...
___________________________________
I *ahem* to je to :D
MSN: eternal_starlight@mail.inet.hr
___________________________________
C'est le malaise du moment
L'épidémie qui s'étend
La fête est finie on descend
Les pensées qui glacent la raison
Paupières baissées, visage gris
Surgissent les fantomes de notre lit
On ouvre le loquet de la grille
Du taudit qu'on appelle maison
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me
Protect me
Protège-moi, protège-moi
Sommes nous les jouets du destin
Souviens toi des moments divins
Planants, éclatés au matin
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls
Perdus les reves de s'aimer
Les temps où on avait rien fait
Il nous reste toute une vie pour pleurer
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me
Protect me
___________________________________
___________________________________
“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
Oscar Wilde
“Illusion is the first of all pleasures.”
Oscar Wilde
___________________________________
I am stretched on your grave and will lie there forever
If your hands were in mine I'd be sure we'd not sever
My apple tree my brightness, it's time we were together
For I smell of the earth and I'm worn by the weather
When my family thinks that I'm safe in my bed
From night until morning I am stretched at your head
Calling out to the earth with tears hot and wild
My grief for the girl that I loved as a child
Do you remember the night we were lost
In the shade of the blackthorn and the chill of the frost
Oh thanks be to Jesus we did what was right
And your maidenhead still is your pillar of light
The priests and the friars, approach me with dread
Because I still love you, my life and youre dead
I still will be your shelter through rain and through storm
And with you in your cold grave I cannot sleep warm
____________________________________
“I shall go the way of the open sea, To the lands I knew before you came, And the cool ocean breezes shall blow from me, The memory of your name”
Laurence Hope
____________________________________
Hisashiburi no kaisei IEROO BODI wa D.I.Y.
Haru no shippo tsukamaeru jyunbi wa OK sa
Yousho ni HANHOKKU ano mori wo mezashiteta hazu ga
"KAANABI" nante ME jyanai! ...mune hattetano wa dare dayo?
Koi nuno youna "GOMEN" no hitomi ni kousansa
Umibe de asonderu RETORIBAA no PORISU ni kikou ka?
AM RAJIO GOKIGEN na sunday yakusoku shite kureteru
Hajikeru youna namishibuki ga bokura no SAUNDO
Shuuni ichido no DEETO sae mama naranu youna futari no
Kiseki no youna kyuujitsu nonbiri kaze makase
Hamabe de shiosai no hizamakura nante no ma ii yo ne
POTTO ni tsumeta koucha wo sarige ni susumeru egao ga
Moshikashitara ichiban haru iro hansoku sa
Umibe de jyarete iru RETORIBAA wo minaratte bokuramo!
MAIPEESU na SHIISAIDO ga HAIUEI tobasu yori niatteru
Masshiro na vacation map kowaki ni kakaete
____________________________________
____________________________________
A boom boom bâ
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
A boom boom bâ
Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
A boom boom bâ
Do you know that behind all these words
A boom boom bâ
Lies a deep desire Kamélé hé?
A boom boom bâ
Mé kouman mé fora y bamê
Are my dreams to be all I can do?
Lay o lay above, lay o lay below
And he said Annie will show them a new way
Mé kouman mé fora y bamê
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
A boom boom bâ
Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
A boom boom bâ
Do you know that behind all these words
A boom boom bâ
Lies a deep desire Kamélé hé?
A boom boom bâ
Mé kouman mé fora y bamê
Are my dreams to be all I can do?
Lay o lay above, lay o lay below
And he said Annie will show them a new way
Mé kouman mé fora y bamê
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
A boom boom bâ
Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
A boom boom bâ
Do you know that behind all these words
A boom boom bâ
Lies a deep desire Kamélé hé?
A boom boom bâ
Mé kouman mé fora y bamê
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
A boom boom bâ
Aligna donguiri ma digné
A boom boom bâ
Mé kouman mé for a y bâmê
A boom boom bâ
Aligna donguiri ma digné hé !
A boom boom bâ
Mé kouman mé for a y bâmê
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou
Can you hear my heart beat in this world?
Kélé, filla, saba, nani, norou …
