I can see your... Star
Osjećam kao da sam u kavezu, svojom krivicom. Svojim vlastitim nahođenjem da govorim jezikom tako bliskim svojim dosadašnjem pisanom izražavanju. No to je kao neki kavez koji kao da sam sama isplela... No čitajući riječi isprepletene po uzorku vlastitih misli... Pitam se... Zar moram baš sve izražavati na taj zapravo zarobljujući način?
Polako, šutke, odlazim. Mičem pipke, lance, goruću užad koja me držala tako čvrsto toliko dugo. Čak ni ne bježim. Polako, jedan po jedan trn mičem sa svojeg tijela, tihim, neznanim pokretima, praćena tihom melodijom Njezina glasa koji odjekuje u neograničenim prostorijama od crnoga mramora u mojem umu. Otrov... kao da je ispario. Ipak osjećam da nije sve nestalo. Ipak je lagani, crni veo ostao i ne želi skliznuti s mojeg srca, obavijajući ga čvrsto... No više... Gledam njezino lice, oči, kosu... Sve što mi je proganjalo snove ovih dugih mjeseci... Kao da je ljudskije. Makar i nije. Ali uspijevam se smiriti. Vratiti se u stvarnost. Sjetiti se njezine prave prirode. Ponašati se u skladu s time. Ne ovisiti o svakoj njezinoj riječi, izrazu...
I konačno...
Ostajem sama.
Ali ova samoća je željena. Opet počinjem pripadati samoj sebi. Opet sam jedno tijelo, zatvorena prema drugima. Prema svima. I nitko me ne kontrolira, ni o kom ne ovisim. Osjećaje utišavam, želje za ljubavlju, prijateljstvom. Više skoro i ne osjećam potrebu da joj prenesem svaki svoj osjećaj, svaku potrebu, svaku želju, svaki san; da skačem na svaki njezin mig bliskosti, slijepo vjerujući da je to stvarnost...
Slobodna...
Ipak sam uspjela naći način da se odvojim... Pomoću njega. Moj drugi stup o koji se naslanjam... Kako je ušao u moju svakodnevicu, neprimjetno. Zar sam ikad živjela bez njega? Ne čini se. Ne značim mu gotovo ništa kao niti on meni. Naša dva odvojena svijeta koja nemaju veze jedno s drugim, dva paralelna prostora s različitim kurikulumima, vremenima, dimenzijama. Ja ne pripadam u taj svijet, građen godinama, mjesecima, potpuni stranac koji ne znači ništa dok je tamo, nikome. No ipak smo vezani. Razlog je nepoznat, uzroka nema. No ipak, još jedno svjetlo oko kojeg se moj život polagano vrti, odvajajući pozornost i sve što ona s tim nosi s nje i seleći je na njega. Ljubav? Površni, lažni cilj eventualne teme razgovora. S njegove strane nepostojeći, s moje san uništen teškim vraćanjem u stvarnost. Upijam njegove dodire, želje, požudu kao spužva, ne brinući se, ne razmišljajući, ne osjećajući se prljavo. Primam to s jednakom dozom nebrige - zato što moram. I u redu je.
No ipak... Svaka moja želja za zagrljajem je utažena. Poljupci, blagi razgovor... Sve na očekivanoj razini ovakvog života. I misli o njemu me skreću, odvajaju me od nje. Primam ih sa zahvalnošću, primam ih hladno, ali čvrsto, da me odnesu što dalje, da se mogu vratiti u pravu sebe, pretvoriti u ono što mi je sad tako uspjelo, normalnu osobu.
Ona želja za ljubavlju još živi. Duboko ispod, gori vječnim plamenom, ne prestaje. No to... Puštam da utaži Ona.
Deep into the night, she hides me from hurt... Holds my hand... And wipes my tears...
30.01.2008. u 21:33
° 2 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
Sayonara... All the beauty I thought I knew
boomp3.com
Pluta... Dodiruje dno, hladno kao led, ali kao da pluta, omamljena, gledajući vječnost iznad sebe.
Još jednom, izgubljena u nikad obujmljenom prostoru. Na podu od crnog mramora, koji se proteže daleko... Iza neshvatljivoga. Ne može se pomaknuti, dići s poda, ići dalje. Jednostavno lebdi. Ne da se dalekom zovu života.
Je li odustala?
Has she given up yet?
Tiho... Šulja se... Polagano se primiče... Tanka sjena. Lagano, bez zvuka, klekne pored mrvog, naočigled mrtvog tijela, ruku bačenih iznad glave, mrtvih, suhih očiju.
Polagano, tiho, sjena digne desnu ruku, ruku od paučine, i prođe njezinim licem, mekim i hladnim, nježno...
"...Itoshigo..." Lagane zelene oči duha koji kleči, ljudske prikaze, omekšaju, dok izgovori malenu riječ privrženosti.
Iznenada, njezine se mrtve oči napune suzama. Prsa se polagano dižu i spuštaju, suhe usne puštaju dah, malen i topao.
"Doushite..." Prošapće umorno biće. "Doushite, Haruka..." Riječi su joj zaglušene plačem, suzama, jecajima koji ne žele posustati.
"Shh..."
The tall shadow slips her hands on the girl's back, pulling her tightly in her arms.
"You have been so brave... So hurt so many times... So cold... So tired... Always open for people to pick in your insides mercilessly... And yet... You manage to smile." The shadow's bangs cover her eyes as she whispers into the girl's neck. "And so many beautiful dreams inside. You could soar widely in the sky, in the sun, you know. Always... imagining so many pretty things..."
"I cannot smile anymore," her weak voice echoes through the infinity. Her body is held tightly, and she grasps the shadow's clothes, not wanting to let her go.
"Drive her away," she whispers poisonously, gripping the shadow even more. "I cannot bear it... Any longer... Deceiving me... Hurting me... Lashing out on me... After... After promising me everything I ever desired..." Her body begins to shiver vehemently.
She slowly raises her head to look at the shadow's bright green eyes.
"Haruka..."
The shadow simply looked back at her, raising her hand to wipe the tears off of the pale face of the girl.
"You are the only one... Who has ever loved me. Who has ever cared. Who has comforted me when I was hurt the most... Held my hand... Took my burden when I needed it... Walked with me in peace of the snow... Danced with me..."
"It hurts to see you like this."
Silence took over. The girl let her head fall on the shadow's chest.
"I am all alone. It hurts to be alone. It hurts to be dying in the rain alone. I am a child. All I need... Is someone who loves me. And I love back. Nothing else. Nothing else to be happy...."
"Be alone." The shadow whispers sharply. "Be alone. Don't let anyone in. Only I know you. Don't let anyone else in. You won't be hurt, I promise. I'll drive everyone away. I'll protect your heart."
A little gasp escaped the girl's lips.
"Reality is calling you... Do not wait, Hime-chan. Give me your dreams. Give me your love. And I will lead them to paradise. Everything you've ever dreamed of, I'll take them there. And it will be now until eternity. Give yourself to me. Do it.... And then go back. Live as you should... And I will live your dreams, live your love. Give me your heart, and no one shall ever touch it. I will not let anyone near... Especially..." Her breath trailed on.
The shadow slowly stood up, and looked the girl on the floor, sitting and watching in fear.
"Do not be frightened, Kaihi-chan... You shall be protected. By the one who truly loves you. From the ones that don't."
The shadow offered her white hand to the girl on the floor.
Boku to odorou yo...
boomp3.com
Slowly, the girl put her hand in the shadow's, and the shadow pulled. The girl felt pulled off the floor, but yet stayed down... And what she saw next was beauty... An image of her, glistening... With eyes that shone magnificence, hair that danced around her face in unknown wind, body light as a feather and feet that danced with every move...
An image of herself... Beautified in every sense.
"Kimi no yume. Kimi no shiawase. Kimi no ai no subete."
Slowly from behind, the shadow slipped her arms around her. "I love you, Kaihi-chan. Go now... To the reality."
"But... How can I...! Without your only comfort! And my dreams..."
"Your dreams are safe. Go... And be... one of many. "
She sat on and watched the shadow as it got in a convertible, at the driver's seat. Next to her was the fairy, the goddess that was her dreams and love. And they drove of in the night, on a road leading to nowhere, with the wind playing with their hair, silence between them telling everything.
And she understood.
Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away. We'll be lost before the dawn...
13.01.2008. u 19:01
° 5 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
Are my dreams to be all I can do?
You do not know me, do you...?
How deep does eternity go...?
Hello.
Hello, sunrise that kills.
Hello, you with the poisonous whisper crawling in my mind.
Hello, my strange world of darkness and mist... and wind.
Hello... You, strange, dark man with the rule over their minds...
I am standing here, in front of you. At the top of the world. With the sunlight burning my skin and my eyes. Nothing matters, does it? I am yours. Take me. Do what you wish... Hold me... And take my soul from me... For the only thing that must be... Is for you to have me... So do it.... In the hall of darkness... Under the sky of violet...
While she carries me on her voice, huskily whispering the eternal melody that keeps me numb under your eyes...
I remember... Like this... When my body was drenched in the waters of wonders. Like this... When I lay floating in the abyss of never-ending emotions that ran deep down into my core... Of the music that hit me deep... I remember the time when I ran away from everything real, into the world of my own, into the world of love and eternity; inventing stories never to be told, imagining them and living them, ignoring the reality, finding it unfitting and boring... I was nothing in the reality, always down on my knees, convincing myself that I was worth nothing since it was made so obvious.
So I flew away... Away... To a different place every time. Different people, different places. I made stories in my mind. Stories never really about me... Beautiful things... Forbidden loves coming true, perfect boys loving girls like me... A true matchmaker did I make myself be.
...Where has it lead me?
What's so bad in dreaming? I asked myself a few years ago. We can make a whole new world come true, and if anything ever goes wrong, we can run there where everything's fine, and just keep doing it and there can't ever be anything wrong, right?
But the real world does not let you have any other worlds beside this one. If you want to live... If you want to be normal... Then it's forbidden. Because, there is no one sharing your world of fantasy. It is yours only and no one will understand the deep dark secrets of your mind. You have to bear with this life, and there is no salvation from it.
I have gone too deep. I have evolved almost everything I am through that false world. And whenever things got too boring or bad, I ran away again, engulfed myself completely in the fantasies I'd created. I even dreamed about the things in the real world, creating out of them whole different things so they could suit me right. And so... I've detached from everything real... Gone to the unexplored widths of my mind, surrounded myself with the warmths that made me feel good. And I have gone too far. Way too far. So far... that I can hardly find my way back... But I must. Reality is waiting. It doesn't call me or pull me into her midst, but it stands there, its eyes fixed on me, and it will not pull back until I come to it. Ever.
It has sent a whiff of its scent to me. I understand now, partially at least, what it is about. Will I fit in? Maybe, eventually. Maybe I already have... With my body tightly held in its place, his scent all around me, his ragged breath and his racing heart...
It seems unreal, though. I am made a person, real person equal to all others. Count in all others. My wishful thinking made true for the first time... Since I first saw him...
His handsome face and blue eyes...
Wow... Cute...
His guitar playing...
It would be so cool if he could sing...
His eyes on me during every song he sang...
Does he like me...?
But I understand that all my dreams of silent comforts, instant understanding and becoming one are foolish dreams that I have thought over a thousand times. Something you find in epic animes or movies that touch your heart, not a reality. I understood it instantly. And understood how deeply my imagination had gone.
Baka no kodomo.
But I shall come back to reality. Maybe I should do it without dramatizing so much, but it will be a sad farewell... Since I've spent so much time in it... Since I have given myself so much to it... To them... My dreams and fantasies...
It's alright, though... I will become normal once again. One of many. Having normal thoughts and feelings... But for these two weeks, I will try to remember my happiness and myself... Before I forget it and build myself again...
Sretna nova 2008. godina svima, i neka vas prate sreća, zdravlje i neka vam se svi snovi ostvare (i neka bude puno postova i komentara... ^__~)!!!
Kissu!!!
01.01.2008. u 22:33
° 3 thoughts of the world ° Print ° # °
