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Are my dreams to be all I can do?
You do not know me, do you...?
How deep does eternity go...?
Hello.
Hello, sunrise that kills.
Hello, you with the poisonous whisper crawling in my mind.
Hello, my strange world of darkness and mist... and wind.
Hello... You, strange, dark man with the rule over their minds...
I am standing here, in front of you. At the top of the world. With the sunlight burning my skin and my eyes. Nothing matters, does it? I am yours. Take me. Do what you wish... Hold me... And take my soul from me... For the only thing that must be... Is for you to have me... So do it.... In the hall of darkness... Under the sky of violet...
While she carries me on her voice, huskily whispering the eternal melody that keeps me numb under your eyes...
I remember... Like this... When my body was drenched in the waters of wonders. Like this... When I lay floating in the abyss of never-ending emotions that ran deep down into my core... Of the music that hit me deep... I remember the time when I ran away from everything real, into the world of my own, into the world of love and eternity; inventing stories never to be told, imagining them and living them, ignoring the reality, finding it unfitting and boring... I was nothing in the reality, always down on my knees, convincing myself that I was worth nothing since it was made so obvious.
So I flew away... Away... To a different place every time. Different people, different places. I made stories in my mind. Stories never really about me... Beautiful things... Forbidden loves coming true, perfect boys loving girls like me... A true matchmaker did I make myself be.
...Where has it lead me?
What's so bad in dreaming? I asked myself a few years ago. We can make a whole new world come true, and if anything ever goes wrong, we can run there where everything's fine, and just keep doing it and there can't ever be anything wrong, right?
But the real world does not let you have any other worlds beside this one. If you want to live... If you want to be normal... Then it's forbidden. Because, there is no one sharing your world of fantasy. It is yours only and no one will understand the deep dark secrets of your mind. You have to bear with this life, and there is no salvation from it.
I have gone too deep. I have evolved almost everything I am through that false world. And whenever things got too boring or bad, I ran away again, engulfed myself completely in the fantasies I'd created. I even dreamed about the things in the real world, creating out of them whole different things so they could suit me right. And so... I've detached from everything real... Gone to the unexplored widths of my mind, surrounded myself with the warmths that made me feel good. And I have gone too far. Way too far. So far... that I can hardly find my way back... But I must. Reality is waiting. It doesn't call me or pull me into her midst, but it stands there, its eyes fixed on me, and it will not pull back until I come to it. Ever.
It has sent a whiff of its scent to me. I understand now, partially at least, what it is about. Will I fit in? Maybe, eventually. Maybe I already have... With my body tightly held in its place, his scent all around me, his ragged breath and his racing heart...
It seems unreal, though. I am made a person, real person equal to all others. Count in all others. My wishful thinking made true for the first time... Since I first saw him...
His handsome face and blue eyes...
Wow... Cute...
His guitar playing...
It would be so cool if he could sing...
His eyes on me during every song he sang...
Does he like me...?
But I understand that all my dreams of silent comforts, instant understanding and becoming one are foolish dreams that I have thought over a thousand times. Something you find in epic animes or movies that touch your heart, not a reality. I understood it instantly. And understood how deeply my imagination had gone.
Baka no kodomo.
But I shall come back to reality. Maybe I should do it without dramatizing so much, but it will be a sad farewell... Since I've spent so much time in it... Since I have given myself so much to it... To them... My dreams and fantasies...
It's alright, though... I will become normal once again. One of many. Having normal thoughts and feelings... But for these two weeks, I will try to remember my happiness and myself... Before I forget it and build myself again...
Sretna nova 2008. godina svima, i neka vas prate sreæa, zdravlje i neka vam se svi snovi ostvare (i neka bude puno postova i komentara... ^__~)!!!
Kissu!!!
Post je objavljen 01.01.2008. u 22:33 sati.