Neki aspekti mog života

Greetings dear Ebay users and visitors!

In light of my recent life events I decided to sell my "suppose to be endless" pessimism. It was very hard to make the decision to sell it but when I placed it on a piece of paper it was very easy to determine it's value so here it goes:

My story is a sad story.... and I am sure your story is a sad story. In fact I bet that almost everybody in the world have a reason to be miserable and sad... So I am going to say it as it is.

My mother did not want me, or to give birth of me. But in those days it was unspeakable to do abortion. So she gave birth to me. And then the rest of the bunch realize the error they made and decided that I am going to be the soul reason of all the problems within two families.
She beat me up on a daily bases, I was changing colors from purple to blue and green. The father was at work most of the time. One day two boys from school stole my backpack and she threaten to me that if I lose my staff she will not buy me new one so I run after them in to the forest where they tried to rape me. I manage to get the backpack back (try to say that fast) and get away from them. When I was ten she decided it is time for her to hit the road. Disappear. Once again, I was guilty for that. I try to spend all the day time in school. The house was just for sleeping. When I was 21 years old I started to have this stupid ridiculous felling that I need love. That I need someone to love me for me, unconditionally. Absolutely idiotic. As a result of that idiotic state of mind I had my first kiss when I was 23. That relationship when down the drain. And when I was alone again, I was completely brainless, and made an error. And I was pregnant. I decided to keep it. It was my duty and responsibility.

I have all these degrees and certificates but I am lacking "street" knowledge. I can't have a normal relationship because I am not normal. To me people are just walking knifes waiting to stab someone. And if you invite them, if you let them, , ouhg, then they so gonna stab you. Whenever whomever. Now when I fantasize of perfect boyfriend he is alien/robot/terminator programmed to be with me and love me. And when I try out the fantasy with "the human" it's all perfect until the after weeding. You know, we meet, we intrigue each other, we spend time together and then we get married and now we are together on a daily basis only to realize we do not want to be with someone, we want to be alone. It is safer. We do not trust each other. It is better to to never love, rather then have love and lose it. I can't handle love. To have it and then to exist without it after I had it? To be able to compensate the fact that every atom of my body is screaming of agonizing pain and out most destruction? For people to say that memories of good times can heal your heart... Can you build on quick sand? I ended that part of me. The love, and hope. To find my soul-mate or any other mate. So now I have only one reason to fight for. My child's happiness. I do not share the truth with her. I did not and will not tell her that people are there to hurt you, to end you in horrific kind of ways. She will find that out on her own. Or maybe she is going to be the lucky one and surround herself with the good people. I can't seem to see them but... Because of all the stuff in my life I spend most of the time in school. So I have plenty of skills and abilities. When I was without her I could find job in 5 minutes. I was called upon to join the teams... When I gave birth all of that was gone. Like I had lobotomy together with child birth.

I had to start all over.

To prove that giving child birth doesn't make me brain damaged and stupid and worthless. I am still working on that. It is hard. To sit on a meeting that starts with: You have a daughter, she is a burden, she stops you in your carrier.... bla bla bla. I smile and nod while in my head I spin this thought: If I only had a house of my own... if I only had a house of my own... so my daughter is safe, protected. So I do not worry that I will not be able to pay the rent. Or bill or whatever. No matter how hard I work I will not be able to get the money for the house of our own if I do not risk the minimum safety now. And I can't do that. I do not have strength to risk it. I need to provide the roof above our heads and food on the table. And love. But I struggle to much. I have all these knowledge but I can't charge my work as I should because "I am not constantly available and free" , meaning I can't pack my bags and go to the seminar on a 48 hour basis on a wimp. So I am stacked back in the "BASEMENT". All this time my daughter sees me, sees my knowledge and my hard work and yet I can't afford to buy her the food she wants and likes, the toys she loves, the backpack she adores. So she asked me why is school important, why is knowledge important? If you can't buy a house or favorite chocolate even, juice, t-shirt? Yes, my "book" knowledge is worthless because I am a mother. I am not a seller, or worker, or manager, or instructor. It defines me. It defines how I work, how I act, how I drive... I used to jump from the rocky cost in to the dark sea, now I carry band aid and sterilizing liquid spray with me for cuts an bruises.
Yes, life is hard. People do not have money. Some people have more money. But if they donate it then they wouldn't have money so... they have to give money in the way that money makes more money. So am I actually trying to take the easy way out by getting people to fund our lifetime with their hard earned 1 dollar? Are you thinking if I give her 1 dollar I can also give one dollar to that and that and that.... where does it ends? Who is going to give me my 1 dollar??? I need dollars as well. Yes. YES!! And the North pole is melting, the storms and tides are destroying the countries, crops do not have water, the Sun is too hot, the Mars is still not live-able, the black, brown, yellow and white still can't see beyond the color... Yes, it is really that bad. And yes it is going to get worse. And who is going to give you your 1 dollar?
It used to be me.
I would give you 1 dollar. When I wasn't a MOTHER I gave 1 dollar. It wasn't a choice, it was not from the goodness of my heart. It was obligation. To help. To give. At least I felt it like that. To provide when you are able to provide.
I have plenty of options to change the situation, win on lottery, work 24/7... or I can sell something that I have plenty of that I do not really need.
Now what do I have plenty of that I really do not need?
PESSIMISM!
Pessimism is a state of mind in which one anticipates undesirable outcomes or believes that the evil or hardships in life outweighs the good or luxuries.
In order to pay our bills, groceries, school, books and small things I need 897,22 US dollars every month. Lets say I'll get another 50 years so that is 897,22 x 12 x 50 = 538336,0522. In addition I need a home. A home is where the heart is? Ahm... home is where the 6 walls are with windows, kitchen, bathroom, bed... House cost around 174474,96 US dollars.

So the round total would be 712811 $ for entire lifetime. Seven hundred and twelve thousand eight hundred and eleven US dollars - lifetime cost.

Ebay apparently has 100 million active users globally. I need that 776963 users of that 100 million purchase a piece of my pessimism for a price of 1 dollar ( 712811 $ + 9% Ebay fee = 776963). For one dollar I will tell you why am I waking up with words Idiot and falling to sleep with word stupid stupid stupid worthless on a given day. Trust me, I have new reason to be "down and blue" every hour so that insures that for your 1 dollar you will get the part of my pessimism that is unique and only yours. Since the globe has time zones you will have to give me max. 8 hours for me to see you payment and prepare your part of my pessimism. It will be in a form of letter and/or picture send by email. It will not contain any illegal or indecent material or words (I do not use such language).

And if I manage to sell 776963 parts of my pessimism I will start to think that the glass is half empty. Because now I think that the glass is leaking and it is half empty.

Nažalost, iako je koncept sasvim OK nisam imala snage provesti ovu ideju u djelo. Ne želim postati članak u Weird stuff rubrici dnevnih novina.