Ainulindale

She gave him the words of love
But what is love anyway
The only thing that makes us fly
Or just another game we play

Is it locked inside our hearts
And is it really, really real
Is it something that we do
Or is it something that we feel

Chorus 1
We will never know
The truth beyond of what we feel
And we will never ever know
What lies beyond the bars of steel

She gave me the words of love
She knew not what she has said
I will never ever know
For now she rests and now she’s dead

Chorus 2
I will never know
Is it love to me she gave
It’s buried deep within her heart
Laying with her in her grave



Inspired by Hannah

Let me tell you about my friends. With any luck, this will remain on the blog for a few days until one of them reads it, reports it to others, and then they'll force me to remove it. Since I am not fond of torment, I'll probably remove it, unless if they're not persuasive enough.
First let me tell you, every one of them is special. They all have their flaws, they all have their virtues and they made my life interesting (read - a living hell :) ... kidding) You guys know I love ya! Lets start shall we... (I hope I won't say too much, hihi)
This little freak calls herself Ana. She's probably the most normal among us (what is normal anyway?). She has love problems, but then again, who doesn't. Her past relationships are quite interesting. I must say, a lot of guys are into her, but she remains resilient (playing hard to get). Guys...she's taken, sorry. On the outside she looks calm and focused, but I know better. On the inside she's probably even more confused by this life and its ways than I am. It's like I said - You know nothing, you're just as confused as I am. I am closest to her. She tells me everything (I know she doesn't but she tells me enough) and I can tell her everything. She likes LP, Disturbed and other metal-like music. Sometimes she listens to pop(shit) like Sugababes. Sometimes she likes to be wicked (like I am now, buahaha), and she lies...then she admits it and asks for forgiveness. But she's a friend, she can get away with everything, at least when it's related to me(but be careful). There are times when she's quite playful. That's when she pokes me (why you little...). In closing I would like to say that she's a trustworthy person and a great friend.
This teddy bear calls herself Maya and she only looks as tender and sweet. We all know she's a devil. Correction - she's THE devil. She has the hots for guys in a band. Must be a new devilish characteristic. She likes U2 the most. That's funny...since when does the devil want world peace??? Devils, nowadays, mph. Just like the freak mentioned before, she likes to be tenderly scratched. Probably 'cause that's the closest to sex she'll ever get (ouch:)). She is a queen of impostures and a great manipulator (not that I am being manipulated by her...never gonna happen). It's just like another friend of mine said - "A bitch and proud of it." She bit me the other day, believe that? She likes playing foolish games on her computer (I mean...who plays Solitaire nowadays!?). She also likes her pillow. Believe me. She squeezes it and hugs it (I don't wanna know what she does with it when she's home alone at night). When she smiles it seems like she would kill a fly. When she frowns the world trembles (Uuuuu, scaaary...). In the end I'll just say...DAMN, GIRL! (maybe it should be - damned girl...)
This blood sucker is the irritating one. But our little group wouldn't be the same without him. He's a computer freak (a hacker). I've known him the longest. He's a good friend and always willing to help, although he sometimes doesn't help the right way. He likes techno music. He's always late (so irritating, but tolerable). I spend most of my time with him talking idiotic things that make no sense. But we always laugh. I laugh because he's silly, he laughs because I'm funny and sometimes it's the other way around. He talks real slow (guess why that is, hehe). Sometimes he ties up his hair (must be a chick thing, LOL). His hair is all...ya know...funny. I'll say nothing more or he might get insulted. Now, I know he looks kind of gay, but he's a real man! Girls, watch out for this one, he's the Don Juan of modern age (gosh I talk such nonsense). I guess I can depend on him the most. As a finishing line I'll say that he's one of a kind.
This little fruitcake is probably the sweetest among all of my friends. She goes by the name Rosana, but that's only the beginning. She probably has the longest name in the world (besides Shakira)...ok, well, maybe not the longest, but quite long (I guess she has problems when introducing herself). I don't know too much about her giving that I have only met her quite recently, but we've become good friends. She always annoys me when I get online (That's a lie...). She's a good friend of the devil mentioned before. She reminds me of someone I used to know. Even though she's only fourteen she's quite smart and talkative. She likes to leave things unsaid. She likes to tease me. She likes to think she's good at playing darts, but I'll prove her otherwise (Oh, yeah, you're going down...). I really don't know what else to say, I'll have to update this when I get to know her better. In the end I'll just say that she's an interesting little hobbit.

There you have it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go increase my pain threshold and get ready for some serious suffering. I may have just signed my death penalty. Guys...be gentle...

One of the most unexplored areas of human (non)existence is of course the state of death. We all wonder what happens when we die. Those that call themselves "believers" say that we can go to heaven, hell or purgatory. You all know how it works, if you're good you go to heaven, if you're bad you go to hell. Personally, I think it's a load of BS. I am more keen of believing in reincarnation. In grade school we were thought that energy cannot vanish, and it only changes it's form. We are energy, therefore, we probably work the same way.
I even have a theory of my own. Death is a beginning of another life. Our "soul" (read - energy) simply passes from one form to another. This energy, however does not remain the same. It cannot transport memories of a body it used to inhibit, but it transfers it's experience along with it, becoming more and more experiences as it passes through our lives. It gives us life, and we give it life. We are the carriers of this disease. This addiction. Life is an addiction hardest to cure, 'cause curing it would mean ending it.

The other day I had a dream. As most dreams, mine are very unexplainable and not steady. I usually glide above the ground and shift from one position to another very fast. I interact with people but they seem to be standing firmly on the ground. And I usually have a very muddy vision, like looking through the fog.
This particular dream was similarly projected, however, as always, I don't remember the whole dream. But I remember the most important part. At least in this dream. I was standing, and in front of me was a person. I could not see if it's a male or a female. That part was blurry, but I did see one crucial part (as I figured later) that is most important. This person was wearing the same leather jacket that I have. This gave me a feeling of a surprise, in a dream. This is all I remember and all I need to reach certain conclusions from it. Having read Freud's Dream interpretation it was easy for me to interpret this one. He says that every dream is a presentation of a certain desire we have. Therefore, this one is too. Not only because he says so, it'll become clear later. So, now you're thinking - Why would I want someone to have the same jacket as I do? This is where another dream characteristic comes into play. All dreams are metaphorically displayed. Therefore nothing is literal. Knowing this it's not hard to reach a conclusion.
Lately, I've been quite occupied with an assumption that there is noone on this world that is exactly the same as I. But everyone wants to find that someone...someone who understands them, someone who thinks like them. It's known as - a soul mate.
It's no wonder this dream appeared to me now, for I have been showed numerous times that not so many people think as I do. Recently, I talked about an emotion I cannot describe. I'm actually quite sure that noone feels it. Noone but me. Why? 'Cause it is so complex and illogical that only my eccentric mind could come up with something like that. It would be nice to meet someone who feels it too. But how can I find a characteristic in someone if I can't define that very characteristic.

It used to be so fun. All the little pleasures, love pleasures. It used to be divine to feel someone's cheek pressed to mine. A single touch on the hand would give me more pleasure than anything else. But last Saturday...there was nothing. I made out with this girl...and I felt nothing. Could it be that I lost it? It's been almost a year, could it be that those deep, infatuating emotions that I used to feel are all gone? Have I forgotten about them completely? These strongest feelings that I cherish so much meant the world to me. Life ain't worth living without them. Where were they?
I'm trying to find a reason. Maybe it's 'cause I don't know the girl that good. Maybe it's 'cause I only did it because I was bored. Honestly...I'm scared. What if they never come back? What if I never feel again. It's disturbing.


Next to that I felt something the other day. Something i didn't feel for a long time. That ever puzzling emotion that is most destructive. The only feeling I am not able to describe with words. The disgust, the hatred...a demonic presence within me...all because of an indigenous human characteristic that has always been my worst fear, my nightmare. The most primitive feeling of all. A human libido. Triggered, of course, by the words of a friend. I do not blame them. It's my fault. It seems that as much as I despise the fact that I can feel I also love it. It can be quite productive.

Keep on complaining
How it hurts too much
Pleasure is pain therefore
There is no pain as such

Enjoy all that you feel
It’s all that’s really yours
Back up into yourself
And cry behind closed doors

Smile then cry some more
Remember what I said
This is what you’ll feel
Until the day you’re dead

Every soul that feels on this world has felt pain at least once. Pain has become our way of life. I believe that by the age of 18 everyone is carrying it within. We deal with it the best way we can. There is an eastern belief that says that pain is the main feeling that keeps us going. We try to hide it, but there are times when it's more than obvious. It happened more than once that I saw pain in other people's eyes. At that moment nothing triggered it, nothing forced it to surface, but it was there...it is always there. Within me I hold a far greater pain than you think. I rarely show it. I walk around smiling. Every day I think about it...I try to find the cause...I try to find that point in my past when it all began. No effect. I've known pain for as long as I can remember. However, the cause is always the same. Feelings like...loneliness...absence of love...helplessness...they are all inside of me. Do you see it? I don't think so. But you should...you should know better than to look at me as an ordinary, satisfied person. I may seem that way because I hide what's inside of me...everyone hides it, they are afraid of speaking about it, it's just too painful. But that is no excuse for you to not notice it. Everything you say or don't say, everything you do or don't do can initiate a feeling of pain in someone else. It's up to you to recognize it...it's up to you to sympathize with it. Discomfort...caused by my many flaws is another feeling. This too can be provoked by words or deeds.
It's been a long time since I last felt love. It's impelling me to collapse into myself...I am slowly decaying. It's a pity too. I could have given someone so much. Since I've been in this state, nothing else mattered...nothing else is important to me more than keeping myself together. I try so hard...i try SO hard. I'm pushing forward. I'm advancing. I linger on with it all stuck deep inside my chest. Do you see it? I think not...

Lets talk about friendship, shall we? I would particularly like to concentrate on male-female relations. Most of , still primitive, bipeds that walk this planet who's IQ is higher than 50 think that there is no such thing as friendship when it comes to men and women. They are somewhat right. There couldn't ever be a friendship between the two sexes...in a primitive society such as theirs. Thank god I don't acknowledge their society. Freud said that everything we do is involved with our subconsciousness, and every male attempt to establish a communication with a female is just another way to try and get into their pants. It may have been that way in his time. But today, the evolution has brought us (or at least me) to a whole new level of male-female friendship. For example - I have no need to think about how does the girl look naked when I'm talking to her. Nor am I imagining other kinky stuff that the rest of my race probably is. I'm not sure what is the problem. Is it so hard? Or is it just your nature to do those things? Is it so hard to think with your bigger head? Come on, I know that they are beautiful, I know that they're sexy, but hey...they have a brain too, you know! You can actually have a good conversation with them. Sex is not everything they are meant for. Don't get me wrong, that is one of the good things the can provide us with. But it's not the only thing. Most of my friends, really good friends, are female. They are far more reasonable and will give you better advices than male friends, if you need them. They will also always be there for you when you need them. They do have their flaws (after all, they are women), but it's not like we are flawless. And isn't it just adorable, the fact that they are just so...small and fragile. When you look down to them in those big, pretty eyes of theirs...don't you just wanna hug them and never let them go. They may be smarter than us, but where would they be without us? Who would protect them? Who would kiss their tears? They need us, and we need them. Without them this world would never be complete.

It’s been a while
And I know that you miss me
I know you’re too scared to admit it
God knows that I’ve tried
And you know what you did
You know that you blew it
Now you’re alone
With nothing but pain
I’ll not help you this time
This time you’re alone

Chorus
Feel the pain
Suffer your crime
Feel the shame
Noone’s here this time

It’s been a while
You see you’re alone
And you know why that is
Your pride will be your death
There’s nothing
Nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
And it hurts, doesn’t it
To live life all alone
With noone to destroy

Chorus

Now days it's all about communication. Formal, informal, personal or non-personal. It's all about sharing the information we have to make the world smarter. We use non-personal communication more and more these days. There are no more chats in which you can actually see the listener's face. It's more soothing, for you do not have to face the person and it's feelings. However, face to face conversation has it's benefits. I prefer it more.
When you're speaking to someone face to face you can see what way does this person respond to what you are saying. More importantly, you can see the person's feelings when it speaks to you. You can see it in their movements whether the subject is comfortable or not.
When I listen to my friends I pay more attention to their "moves" than to what they are saying. Moves are very important in understanding the true concept of the subject. For instance...

Eye contact - the most important move. It also has different meanings, depending on the situation. In some cases, if a person speaking to you makes eye contact for just a second it can simply mean that they are checking if you are listening or not and you can "reply" that you are listening by catching that eye contact. In other cases it can express the talkers attempt to emphasize the importance of the info it is giving to you in that very moment and that is when you need to let them know that you are REALLY listening. Then there is that LONG contact that persists for quite a while. This, in most cases, tells you very little on how the person is feeling. But it can show you that this person is not shy, nor is it uncomfortable with the subject. It can have different meaning depending on other factors that come into play during this contact, but that is another thing (for another time). There are other meanings, but you'll have to figure them out for yourself. Keep in mind that it's meaning depends on the subject.
Other than eye contact there is the eye movement, which can tell you a great deal if read correctly. Have you noticed that sometimes people tend to look up and to the side when talking about something. This can mean several things. It can mean that the person talking is not comfortable with the subject and is rather annoyed by it. This is when it's best to change the subject. It can also mean that the person is making things up. It usually comes with a smile, but doesn't have to if a person is a good liar. Also, it can mean that the person is scanning it's memory for the necessary data on the subject. Depending on how the person's face expression changes during this scanning can tell you if the subject is appropriate or not. In other cases, people sometimes look down when talking. It's followed by a sad face. This is not good. It means that the subject of the conversation saddens the person. Then it's good to show compassion. You should then probably change the subject if the other person hasn't done so already. However, you could pursue the subject further with hope that you can comfort this person by giving it some advice, but it's extremely risky. It could lead to other person's depression.

When examining these movements you practice your empathy. It is also important to keep an eye on these moves when you are in the role of a speaker. The meaning of those moves, of course, changes, but are easily interpreted.

Inside my darkened room
With noone left I’m all alone
I play a game with the shadows
Before my heart turns to stone

Chorus
I caress the wall
You’re here with me
There’s noone left my baby doll

When you’re with me, my love
I need nothing more
From the darkness you are born
You’re the one that I adore

Chorus X2

Memory at times
Turns my day to night
Turns my light to dark
Turns my peace to fight

When you see me cry
When I'm left without a choice
Darling, please don't try
To heal me with your voice

Chorus
Don't say anything
Just hold me in your arms
Hold me forever
Shield me from their fangs

When you need to say goodbye
And leave my heart in fire
Before you leave me to die
Grant me one last desire

Chorus X2

I'm sure every one of you has had a moment in his or hers life when someone told you you aren't normal. It happened to me a thousand times. Let's deal with that now. Let's deal with the sentence - "You are not normal!"
The key word here is of course - normal. There is no clear definition of how normal should look like and every person creates its own concept of normal. Therefore, something that is normal to someone doesn't have to be normal to someone else. If we follow this theory then we are all insane to each other, literally, but to ourselves we are normal. Today, this is the most common way of comprehending normal. As common and frequent as it may be, it doesn't make it right. What you need to understand is - there is no such thing as normal. It's an illusion created by our minds with a single purpose and that is to separate everything that we do not understand, everything that we seem to define as not-normal.
However, in this world, there is a certain standard which we abide by and with which we defined normal and not-normal. This standard was necessary for our alignment. We align toward good. We try to be good, and because of that, everything bad is not-normal (this is just one branch of normality, something doesn't have to be bad to be not-normal in the eyes of those who follow the standard, but we'll talk about that later). This standard...is failing. People tend to turn to bad...turn to not-normal more and more. Why does this happen? Because bad and not-normal have their benefits. But that is not the issue here.
What I am trying to show you is that normal is flexible. We are tought what normal is. Thou shall not kill!!! These are the words which were being implanted in your head over and over in that very moment when you reached that certain age when you start to think for yourself. You conscience connects to it and suddenly...murder doesn't feel like a good idea at all. It's repulsive (this is entwined with religion and it started with it , but I'll talk about religion another time). ...
Let's go back. The year was 0 when the Earth received a teacher which told them the mustn't kill. And...He gave them a pretty good reason not to, ha? (heaven, hell) Let's suppose that didn't happen. Let's suppose Jesus never came. And let's suppose murder is something our civilization then started to thrive on. Today, we would have murders every day. People would be killing each other on the streets and they would do it for fun. To us, now, that is not-normal, but to them...that would be as normal as playing football is today.
It's all about education. If you are tought that killing is ok, then it would be ok. It would be normal. I know it seems bad to you now, but think about it for a while...

So what is normal anyway? We haven't really reached a conclusion. It's like this: Jesus behaved good (at least what he thought was good and what would lead to a better tomorrow). He gathered followers and they too behaved good. They all showed other people what it's like to behave good. More and more people started to behave good. People saw them behave good and started to behave that way as well. They started in a single town and conquered the world with good. How? The answer is - majority. When you combine 12 apostles and Jesus with a little bit of hokus-pokus Jesus did, you get more people that act good. Then it started like that, but today...what the majority does is normal. You see it in democracy every day.
Let's project that on this world of ours. I see good, and I see bad. And it has come to a point when bad has become the majority, therefore, bad is normal. BAD IS NORMAL. Most people act bad. It's as simple as that. Ladies and gentlemen, when someone tells you "You are not normal" raise your head with pride and say - "THANK YOU!", for today...good is not normal.

It's something I've been writing and thinking about ever since...since I could write and think, I guess. In the beginning the thoughts were simple: "You fall in love - it feels great." Nothing else to it. Of course, everyone thought of it that way. There was nothing else we needed to know, 'cause back then, mind-blowing pain was a mystery to us. Along the way it became more complex, and now... Now is when I realize that the more experience I gathered with love the less I knew about. The world has completely lost track of what love really is. What it should be. You're pulling me down with you! I don't wanna go down that road.

Today, love is just a word which we use as an excuse for sex. We divide it into categories. You say that there is a difference between being in love and love. Is there really? I would even dare to go that far and say that love you have for your parents is no different than the one you have for your partners (thanks to my dear friend Freud). The only difference is how you show it, how you manifest it. You say that when you're in love with someone it only comes from your side. Its the same as feeling love for someone, there is no difference. Love is love. I'm sure that means absolutely nothing to you. Love should not be negotiated! Love should not be set! Love just happens.
Realistically, people change, emotions change, therefore love doesn't have to last forever. But wouldn't it be nice if it does? In this world, where everything falls apart eventually, wouldn't it be nice to have something that would last forever? "Yes, it would" you say! Then do something about it!

I fell in love few times. Each of those loves still live inside of me! I dare not let them go. I dare to let them last forever. I don't care if it brings me pain, I am proud to say that I am making a difference. I am pushing the limits! I do not force them to stay. They choose to stay. I do not push them away. I find it hard to believe that someone could actually fall "out" of love. Look at it this way - love needs no reasons. You don't have to know the person to fall in love with her. They say - it's on the inside that matters. I disagree. What's on the inside doesn't really effect whether you'll fall in love or not. When you look at someone, when you look inside their eyes, when you see how they move, when you see how they talk, when you see how they think it either triggers love or it doesn't. Love is born in a single moment in which you connect yourself to the person you are watching. Something so small can trigger it. Something like a lip movement or a certain action which you cannot find in any other individual on earth. It's something that captures you. A smile. A touch. Once that happens it stays, it should not fade. Love should last forever. People do change, but not that much. Those things that made you fall in love always stay with that person.

It's true what they say. You like a person for it's virtues, but you love it for it's flaws. Those little things that irritate you the most, like fingernail biting. Why? We all have virtues, and they are, mostly, all alike, but flaws...Flaws, even though seemingly indifferent and regular bring a certain soul to the person, making it more acceptable, more attractive, because no-one else does it in exactly the same way like that person. Other people may have similar flaws but not exactly the same. We do strive to perfection, but we are far from it, so all we can do is find a way to love our flaws. It's not that hard, actually.

What troubled me the most is a definition of a physical feeling that would let me know I'm in love, for feelings are quite vague in the beginning. Call it butterflies if you like, I call it tension. However...I realized it doesn't really give me the confirmation I need. Butterflies do work but there is something else...something that really tells me it's love.
You know that feeling when you're sitting down for a while and then you suddenly get up, and there's like this flash in front of your eyes followed by extreme dizziness which can make you fall of your feet? Something like that happens to me when a certain person suddenly appears. It only happened with two girls in my life. One of them disappointed me greatly and is now no longer in my life, and the other... I take that as a sign of love.

There is a certain threshold. Lately I've been quite scared to cross it, but it's not like I have a choice. Like I said, it just happens. Once I cross it I fall. It's like a bottomless pit. I fall and fall. The longer I wait, the deeper I fall. Three things can happen then. Maybe, I'll get wings. If I get wings, all my fears and doubts of falling into the unknown disappear. Then I love to fall, and I reach towards the bottom. Carelessly, lovingly, fully...nothing stops me then. The only thing that remains then is a fear of loosing my wings, a fear of loosing my loved one. On the other hand...if my wings do not emerge at all and quite the opposite happens then I crash and I die. I've died once before. In between there is a state of constant falling. A state of uncertainty. A state in which anything can happen. The longer I fall the harder I crash, but I would rather fall forever than crash. I am falling now...I dare not take another step in this love...it could mean my fall. It could also mean obtaining wings, however...I will not tempt faith. I will leave it as it is and fall. If I am meant to crash then so be it, but I will not hasten my death. I'll keep on hoping that one day she will give me wings. My death changes nothing except that it gives me another chance to fall again. My love for her will not die. Ever.

At first there was nothing
An empty space inside of me
And I thought that was bad
Pretty soon I was forced to see

Along the way things pilled up
And now I bear it all inside
Any day now my heart will stop
Not the first time that I’ve died

Chorus
I deal with it myself
As I always do
No one ever helps
Alone I’ll make it through

What have I become?
What was I before?
All I know is that it changed
The moment I opened that door

Slowly it all pilled up
And as I bear it all inside
It burns so deep within my flesh
I try and try to turn the tide

Chorus X2

Now I remembered
All the promises you made
Where are they now
Why do you leave them to fade

You said you’ll stay with me
Your words were my heart’s bound
You said you’ll never leave
And now you’re nowhere to be found

Chorus 1 (scream - fry)
You lied
You lied to me
You lied
You lied to me, darling

You said you’re not like them
But that was another lie
For you are exactly the same
You always make me cry

Chorus 2 (scream - fry)
I died
I died for you
I died
I died for you, baby

Because…

Chorus 1

You lied to me…
You lied to me…