Ainulindale

It's something I've been writing and thinking about ever since...since I could write and think, I guess. In the beginning the thoughts were simple: "You fall in love - it feels great." Nothing else to it. Of course, everyone thought of it that way. There was nothing else we needed to know, 'cause back then, mind-blowing pain was a mystery to us. Along the way it became more complex, and now... Now is when I realize that the more experience I gathered with love the less I knew about. The world has completely lost track of what love really is. What it should be. You're pulling me down with you! I don't wanna go down that road.

Today, love is just a word which we use as an excuse for sex. We divide it into categories. You say that there is a difference between being in love and love. Is there really? I would even dare to go that far and say that love you have for your parents is no different than the one you have for your partners (thanks to my dear friend Freud). The only difference is how you show it, how you manifest it. You say that when you're in love with someone it only comes from your side. Its the same as feeling love for someone, there is no difference. Love is love. I'm sure that means absolutely nothing to you. Love should not be negotiated! Love should not be set! Love just happens.
Realistically, people change, emotions change, therefore love doesn't have to last forever. But wouldn't it be nice if it does? In this world, where everything falls apart eventually, wouldn't it be nice to have something that would last forever? "Yes, it would" you say! Then do something about it!

I fell in love few times. Each of those loves still live inside of me! I dare not let them go. I dare to let them last forever. I don't care if it brings me pain, I am proud to say that I am making a difference. I am pushing the limits! I do not force them to stay. They choose to stay. I do not push them away. I find it hard to believe that someone could actually fall "out" of love. Look at it this way - love needs no reasons. You don't have to know the person to fall in love with her. They say - it's on the inside that matters. I disagree. What's on the inside doesn't really effect whether you'll fall in love or not. When you look at someone, when you look inside their eyes, when you see how they move, when you see how they talk, when you see how they think it either triggers love or it doesn't. Love is born in a single moment in which you connect yourself to the person you are watching. Something so small can trigger it. Something like a lip movement or a certain action which you cannot find in any other individual on earth. It's something that captures you. A smile. A touch. Once that happens it stays, it should not fade. Love should last forever. People do change, but not that much. Those things that made you fall in love always stay with that person.

It's true what they say. You like a person for it's virtues, but you love it for it's flaws. Those little things that irritate you the most, like fingernail biting. Why? We all have virtues, and they are, mostly, all alike, but flaws...Flaws, even though seemingly indifferent and regular bring a certain soul to the person, making it more acceptable, more attractive, because no-one else does it in exactly the same way like that person. Other people may have similar flaws but not exactly the same. We do strive to perfection, but we are far from it, so all we can do is find a way to love our flaws. It's not that hard, actually.

What troubled me the most is a definition of a physical feeling that would let me know I'm in love, for feelings are quite vague in the beginning. Call it butterflies if you like, I call it tension. However...I realized it doesn't really give me the confirmation I need. Butterflies do work but there is something else...something that really tells me it's love.
You know that feeling when you're sitting down for a while and then you suddenly get up, and there's like this flash in front of your eyes followed by extreme dizziness which can make you fall of your feet? Something like that happens to me when a certain person suddenly appears. It only happened with two girls in my life. One of them disappointed me greatly and is now no longer in my life, and the other... I take that as a sign of love.

There is a certain threshold. Lately I've been quite scared to cross it, but it's not like I have a choice. Like I said, it just happens. Once I cross it I fall. It's like a bottomless pit. I fall and fall. The longer I wait, the deeper I fall. Three things can happen then. Maybe, I'll get wings. If I get wings, all my fears and doubts of falling into the unknown disappear. Then I love to fall, and I reach towards the bottom. Carelessly, lovingly, fully...nothing stops me then. The only thing that remains then is a fear of loosing my wings, a fear of loosing my loved one. On the other hand...if my wings do not emerge at all and quite the opposite happens then I crash and I die. I've died once before. In between there is a state of constant falling. A state of uncertainty. A state in which anything can happen. The longer I fall the harder I crash, but I would rather fall forever than crash. I am falling now...I dare not take another step in this love...it could mean my fall. It could also mean obtaining wings, however...I will not tempt faith. I will leave it as it is and fall. If I am meant to crash then so be it, but I will not hasten my death. I'll keep on hoping that one day she will give me wings. My death changes nothing except that it gives me another chance to fall again. My love for her will not die. Ever.