Ainulindale

It used to be so fun. All the little pleasures, love pleasures. It used to be divine to feel someone's cheek pressed to mine. A single touch on the hand would give me more pleasure than anything else. But last Saturday...there was nothing. I made out with this girl...and I felt nothing. Could it be that I lost it? It's been almost a year, could it be that those deep, infatuating emotions that I used to feel are all gone? Have I forgotten about them completely? These strongest feelings that I cherish so much meant the world to me. Life ain't worth living without them. Where were they?
I'm trying to find a reason. Maybe it's 'cause I don't know the girl that good. Maybe it's 'cause I only did it because I was bored. Honestly...I'm scared. What if they never come back? What if I never feel again. It's disturbing.


Next to that I felt something the other day. Something i didn't feel for a long time. That ever puzzling emotion that is most destructive. The only feeling I am not able to describe with words. The disgust, the hatred...a demonic presence within me...all because of an indigenous human characteristic that has always been my worst fear, my nightmare. The most primitive feeling of all. A human libido. Triggered, of course, by the words of a friend. I do not blame them. It's my fault. It seems that as much as I despise the fact that I can feel I also love it. It can be quite productive.