Ptitchitza u niskom letu

ponedjeljak, 31.12.2007.

She Had Beautiful Eyes

They all did.

It took a long time, I felt
to stitch me up.

They were more concerned for my Lip then I was.
I was considering having some chocolate
or taking a nap, while waiting.

The (male) doctor said to me he'd like to watch if it's OK with me. "I have to learn to do that, but I rather practice on an ugly guy."

I laughed hard, shook his hand with my left
and thanked him.

- 11:42 - Komentari (3) - Isprintaj - #

Apocalypse Yesterday

Sto me vrijedjalo u Hearts of Darkness - The Filmmaker's Apocalypse dokumentarcu jest da svo vrijeme spominju lik kojeg je nekako (vrlo dobro, zapravo!) tumacio Marlon Brando (a fucking wussy, by that time) kao "ludjaka".

He's Insane.
The Baby's Insane.

Col. Kurtz was not insane. He remained a humanitarian person until the end of his life. The proof of that is what he scribbled in red filt pen on a page of a manuscript Capt. Willard found after he "terminated the command", after he "terminated" Kurtz:

DROP THE BOMB.
EXTERMINATE THEM ALL.

Ili, kao sto sam ja jednom napisao na nas U.N. Bulletin Board (pa su se "zalili" - tko se zalio? Nitko, eigenlijk. Kevin C., that's who.):

I AM NOT SICK.
THE WORLD IS SICK.

I'M JUST A PART OF IT.

Do something about it, godverdomme.
If you're trying to Talk The Talk AND
Walk the Walk.

I do. I try to.

- 10:19 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

ROTTERDAM, LUISTER WEL, A.U.B!

i WANT TO HEAR SOME FUCKING NOISE TODAY!
DON'T LET ME DOWN COMRADES,
I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR NOTHING, Y'A KNOW.

IF THE kakmensen over daar CAN MAKE THE NOISE
FOR NEW YEAR CELEBRATION THAT REMINDS ME
OF THE WORST DAYS IN VUKOWAR

WE CAN MAKE IT BETTER.

I. Will Be. On Erasmusbrug vanavond, you can count on that.
This is the Centrum where I live
Zuid of niet zuid.

- 10:16 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

subota, 29.12.2007.

The Man is from Rotterdam, the Woman is from Rotterdam

Women give away their lies in at least 22 little ways.
Men in 17.
Women in 22.

I don't lie.
Maria can not lie to me.

- 12:52 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

Nooit

N3v3r g3t out of the boat.
Apsolut3ly G_damn right.

Unless you're going all the way.

- 12:50 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

petak, 28.12.2007.

The Good Does NOT Always Prevail

Benazir Bhutto, may you go to Dzenet where... I dunno... 72 virgin men awaits you? Sorry, I don't know about these things. What good will 72 virgins do for anyone anywhere.

Speaking for myself, I only need one woman in my life, and SHE IS.
THE RIGHT ONE.

She is extremely clever. That's why (not unlike me) she has the capacity of doing extremely stupid mistakes. Stupid people only make small stupid mistakes. Clever people do them on macro-scale.

It's what... I've smashed my mobile again. I just need to find a battery for Nokia. NOKIA does not smash in one. IT's SISSU!!!!

toughness.. (in Finnish, sissu)

It's like 2 a.m. Shit.
I have to go back to that godverdommen stad, 's-Gravenhage, manjana.

To get a visa for Pakistan. In Islam, the body of the deceised (M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D.) is burried the very next day.

Time is of essence.
I don't even know what's the fucking time difference between NL and Pakistan. I need help.

But... One thing: I. WILL. BE. IN PAKISTAN by Sunday, during the mourning period to pay my respect to an extraordinary Woman, Benazir Bhutto.

We, (ALL OF US!!!) need more women with voices and so beautiful and outspoken as Benazir's.

Who the fuck is next? Hannah Ashrawi?

I didn't give a fuck about Jim MOrrisson, I was very, very sad about Drazen Petrovic, Jaco Pastorious (very much!) and extremely sad about Frank Zappa. I haven't attended their funerals.

I need a vacation, too. (Surely, about there is no debate, anywhere, whatever you think about my mental or other well-being. Just keep it to yourself, I am not interested).

The good does not always prevail. Sometimes it needs help. The time is now. I can't do much, but I CAN pay my respects in person.

Delusion of grandeur?
Don't think so.

- 01:55 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

srijeda, 26.12.2007.

Dime me la verda!

All I want for Xmas is... You.

sings Maria(h) in probably the only song she sings that I really like.
In the night preceeding Xmas, Maria ("my" Maria) has shown herself to me briefly in a dream.

- You should eat something. - I said to her (in reversal of roles in which she was the one usually trying to encourage me to live healhier).
- I'll eat in the Zuid. - she replied with her beautiful, sincere and relaxed smile.

That was it. I was happy then, and carried the happiness silently throughout the day. Zuid (South) could have meant back home, at Venezuela or (as I liked to interpret it), somewhere in the South Rotterdam, where I live. With me. Yeah, keep on dreamin'... I would if I could!

That evening, our friends who run Thirsty Garry, Maria's (and by now mine too) home-bar from which she was conspicuosly missing for the last, almost, three months since I've last seen her, made a dinner for their regular customers (friends, really).

I was there with my brother and mother who were in a brief visit, finishing our dinner in an informal surroundings, when Maria walked in past our table to the back room.

Is it, is it... her? YES! My brain and heart recognised her in unison. I was terrified and happy at the same time.

Shortly after I approached her.

- Hi Maria. - I said with a smile. She was looking the other way.
- Hi Maria, - I repeated. "I wish you a very merry Xmas. My brother and mother are here, would you like me to introduce you to them?"
- No. - she said curtly, still not looking at me.
- It's good seeing you, Maria. - I said and left.

When leaving the bar later, I went to say my parting greetings to everyone I know. Maria was sitting next to Norman at the bar. I said 'bye', first to him, then to her. She was looking away and said nothing.

How she kills me silently and so efficiently is terrifying. How insulting I feel her avoidance of me is... it is, it is... HUGELY insulting, I cannot help but feel. Still, I accept it, without anger. At least she appeared, at least I saw her again with my own eyes. It is enough.

Why is my love for her such a problem, why is it a crime that needs punishing? I'm not imposing anything, I'm expecting nothing... except to see her there occasionally and that she at least looks me in the eyes and says 'hello' in return, with a smile.

That night I've dreamt of her again. We were laughing together as she was reading aloud some popularly held notions about the Germans.

Like A. Sidran said of Sarajevo...

The more I dream of Maria, the less I recognise her.
But, I do have dreams to remember. We've lived them together this summer, and they're mine to remember forever.

Maria made this year worth going through for me and perhaps saved me from succumbing to all the pain, misery and stress that came my way.

Maria is a Saint.

I say so!

- 11:08 - Komentari (5) - Isprintaj - #

utorak, 18.12.2007.

All I wanna do

Is have some fun.
I got a feeling I'm not the only one.

Maar... ja
Maar ja.
Mar y ja.

La Mer de Fortuna

I feel I had my fun, michien?
It's time to work again.

But then again,
malo sam prestar
da drkam q'rac
osam sati
svaki dan.
bas svaki.

- 12:14 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

war IS OVER

I want it.
THEY NEVER WANTED IT, TO START WITH
I see that now.

I've eaten enough shit for lifetime,
and the shit I could not take anymore I threw
plentiful onto many innocent (and some not so innocent)
bystanders.

It's time to change my dietary habits.
It's time for some
HUMBLE PIE.

I've lost 10 kilos,
but have gained a lot.

Maybe I still have some prospects here.

- 10:17 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

ponedjeljak, 17.12.2007.

My Complement, My Enemy, My Oppressor, My Love

Dear you hypocritical fucking Twerp,

Id just like to thank you for taking hold of the last four years of my life and raising my hopes for the future. Id like to thank you for giving me clothes when I needed it and food when I needed it and for fucking my brains out when my brains needed fucking. I hope that the time we spent in Quarters with my family sleeping neerby quietly ignoring what you proceeded to do to me -- what, rather I proceeded to do to you -- ws worthwhile for you, that you got the stimulation you so needed, Because now That Im Free of that poison you call Life, that stringy, sour, white strand you called Sacred and me savior, that peculiar institution we engaged in because there was no other forseeable alternative, I am LOST.

Before, when there was a before, an upon a time I was a blank space defined in contrast to your POSITIVE, concrete avowal. now, a blank space in the void and I have to thank you for forgetting to stick your neck out for me after I craned my neck so often in your arms.

Dear you duplicitous, idiot, Worm,

NOw that youve forgotten how you like your coffee and why you raised you pious fist to the sky, and the reason for your stunning African Art collection, and the war we fought together, and the promises you made and the laws we rewrote, I am left here alone to recreate My WHOLE HISTORY without benefit of you

my
complement,
my
enemy,
my
oppressor,
my
Love

- 09:22 - Komentari (8) - Isprintaj - #

nedjelja, 16.12.2007.

Californication

DOEN JELE BESTE!!!

- 16:12 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Hallal

Say who?
Say who?

I've been a Palestinian long enough.

Excuse me
all-over-the-fucking-place
for not remaining silent
while you're kiling me
little by litte.

Litte by litte.
Lite, you are.

IGRALE SE DELIJE
NASRED ZEMLJE HOLANDIJE.

Dze su mi druge delije?

- 15:47 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Falling Down

Bet ya all though I went all Michael Douglas, didn't ya?
Some of you more perceptive thought about Det. Prendergast?
Better, muuuuch better.

But I'm actually that fit gay guy who went against
the redneck naci chauvinist in the military store.

- 14:22 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

OVER & OUT

Seize and desist.
Motherfuckers.

I am.
I'm starting a few more blogs,
I'm separating business and pleasure,
but will wait to start my own business
about a month more.

10:4?
Roger that?
Do you copy?
Confirm.
Jullie wel bedankt.

What you can expect here is
a few more previously written
stories about the Tragic Angel,

called
Maria.

- 00:45 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

subota, 15.12.2007.

11. teza, tzv. "ornitoloska"

Nije stvar da je ptitchitza
u niskom letu.

Ptitchitza je uvijek bila
u visokom letu.

Stvar je samo u tome da je ovo
jebeno niska zemlja.

Ptitchitza je bila u ubrusu,
Ptichurina je u obrusu.

SHINE!!!

- 13:26 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

BUDNICA II

SHINE
(Henry Rollins)

if I'd listened everything that they said to me,
I wouldn't be here!
and if I took the time to bleed from
all the tiny little arrows shot my way,
I wouldn't be here!
the ones who don't do anything are always
the ones who try to put you down
and you could spend your entire life walking around
in the nowhere land of self doubt

'coz when you start to doubt yourself
the real world will eat you alive!
it's time, it's time to align your body with your mind,
it's hero time
it's time, it's time to align your body with your mind,
it's hero time
'coz when you start to doubt yourself
the real world will eat you alive!
and you know it's true!
I'm talking to you: hero time starts right now!
time to shine, hey, hero time!

if you think you've got 100 years to mess around: you're wrong!
this time it's real, y o u r t i m e i s n o w . . . it's hero time!

hard times are gettin' harder,
the liars are acting strong
you better get a grip on yourself
or you won't be around too long
it's hero time, hey, time to shine!

no such thing as spare time,
no such thing as free time
no such thing as down time
all you got is life time... go!

when you're gone, you're so gone
you've got it now, it's time to go
hero time starts right now! change it!

I got grace in times of friction,
I got truth in times of fiction
I've got no time for the hype... suicide!?
I'm not that type...
I got no time for drug addiction,
no time for smoke and booze
too strong for a shortened life span,
I've got no time to lose!
It's time to shine, yeah, it's hero time!

when you start to doubt yourself the
real world will eat you alive!
get up, get up! it's time to shine! yeah...

- 13:22 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

BUDNICA I

I have died enough,
have gone through.

I am back,
FIAT LUX!

It's time to
GET UP, STAND UP
& FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS!!!

- 13:17 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

petak, 14.12.2007.

Belo

Somebody offered me some White yesterday.
But, I said NO to drugs and they DO listen.

- 13:13 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were"

Why is my personal pride not a company pride?
Who's sick here?

Daar is meer in de zakje.

- 13:11 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

četvrtak, 13.12.2007.

Prljavo rublje Haaskog suda

Geoffrey Nice (Dzafer!), jedan od tuzitelja Haaskog suda dao je interview Dnevnom avazu. Dok su e-mailovi po uredu za analizu otvorenih izvora informacija na Sudu tek poceli kruziti o tome, ja sam ga vec procitao i nakuckao ovo ispod. (Eto vam jedna indikacija zasto me toliko mrze u UN-u: svojom ucinkovitoscu i zeljom da svoju placu ZARADIM suocavam vecinu ostalih s vlastitim diletantizmom.)

Interview je zanimljiv, no mene bi vise zanimalo sto je Nice sam ucinio da istjera kritike Carle del Ponte dok je radio s njome, a ne sada kad vise ne radi za Sud.

Carla zna koji put bit' koza. Kao sto kaze Dzafer ona jest politicki amater i nerijetko se mijesala u stvari koje nije trebala, no Sud sam po sebi nikad nije bio politicki dovoljno potentan da snagom svojeg autoriteta (?) prisili drzave i pojedince na suradnju. U tom smislu petljanje u politiku i zakulisne igre su bile neophodne. Carla ima upornost i petlju i cijenim je iz slicnih razloga kao i jednu drugu Azdaju, bivsu britansku premijerku, iako su mi njihovi politicki stavovi nerijetko strani i odbojni.

Ured Tuzitelja haaskog suda je vjerojatno jedan od bolje uredjenih segmenata suda (osim Osiguranja koje je apsolutni Top Notch), no samo bi se budale time ponosile, kao sto se samo i budale (kao i jedna vrlo vam bliska budala) ponose radom Suda kao najbolje "misije" Ujedinjenih Naroda u svijetu. Zasto? Zato jer cinjenica da Sud nije Cici-mici na sibici u odnosu na sve druge field missions samo govori o zalosno, tragicno malom ucinku i UCINKOVITOSTI Ujedinjenih naroda.

No stvari su jasne, narodi nisu i ne mogu biti ujedinjeni i kako god da je, bolje je s UN-om nego bez njega. Iako, cinjenica da se UN upetljao u neki novi teren uvijek moze izazvati iskrenu tugu za drzavu kojoj je dosao "pomoci" jer znaci samo jedno: oshla drzava u kurac i trebaju joj nezavisni diletanti umjesto vlastitih da koliko toliko uhvate zrak i izglavinjaju vlastitim snagama rjesenje.

Ujedinjeni Narodi su 100 miligramska tableta Chlozapina (ili Leponexa), pod komercijalnih nazivom FUKITOL.

Imam ja jos puno lipih stvari u vezi njih za ka-zaat! ali ne smim rec -- Plavokapci me jos nisu dovoljno izjebali. Ali, trude se, nije da nije.

- 09:38 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

srijeda, 12.12.2007.

today,tuesday iliti Boo-fuckin'-hoo

Maria je sa mnom prekinula u utorak 25. rujna, tekst porukom s mobitela kojeg sam joj bio poklonio:

Ne mogu naci tvoj kljuc*, zao mi je. Oprosti za sve. Zelim ti sve najbolje, bye bye.

Poruku sam primio ujutro nakon neprospavane noci tijekom koje sam napisao zapravo prvu verziju pisma kojeg sam nastavio pisati jos mjesec dana, svaki dan na novi nacin i o novim stvarima. Imam previse vremena. Bio sam sretan i ispunjen ljubavi prema Mariji i optimizmom za opstojnost nase veze. Vecer prije proveo sam u Thirsty Garryju i iako mi je nedostajala Maria koja nakon vrlo lijepe subote koju smo proveli zajedno vec treci dan nije odgovarala na moje pozive ili poruke, nasao sam utjehu nasavsi se u njenom home-baru, s troje ljudi koje voli: svoju bivsu seficu, vlasnicu, njenog muza i normana. Povukao sam par dimova hash-jointa kojeg mi je Norman ponudio i dosavsi kuci oko ponoci, a pod dojmom nekoliko proteklih dana poceo pisati pismo.

Marijinu tekst poruku primio sam upravo kako sam ulazio u rotterdamski cs. Isao sam u Haag na sastanak sa sluzbenim lijecnikom i bio sretan sto ce me vidjeti u "mojem elementu". Vec sam bio odlucio da cu provesti odlican dan i grom ocaja koji je mnome prosao procitavsi poruku odlucio sam utajiti: nista i nitko nece upropastiti ovaj dan za mene.

Maria je zvala nekoliko puta tijekom dana. Jednom sam se izderao na nju (jedini puta ikad) rekavsi joj da danas ne zelim razgovarati s njome. Nakon tri dana sto mi se nije javljala i potpuno neobjasnjivog prekida i njene sklonosti da moju susretljivost i sklonost kompromisima u vezi nje dozivljava kao odsutnost emocija, odlucio sam -- barem toga dana -- i njoj pokazati jedno svoje sirovije stanje. Konacno smo razgovarali nakon ponoci, dok sam se s Johnom smrzavao u hladnoci skvota u kojem sam s njime proveo noc.

Zvucala je kao ona Maria koje me je uvijek punila nadom i optimizmom, prijateljska, blaga, s kojom se moze RAZgovarati. Misleci o tome, sada mi pada na um da je mozda bila zabrinuta sto cu (si) uciniti nakon sto me se rijesila. Pocetkom kolovoza, prva tri dana sutnje s njene strane zavrsila su time sto sam bez ikakve preostale volje za zivot ili bilo sto prepustio prvim impulsima koji su mnome prolazili. Zavrsilo je tako da sam bio uhapsen, ponovno proveo dvanaest sati u pritvoru (ovoga puta u celiji s wc-rupom i podstavljenim zidovima) i potom se tri dana super odmorio u najljepskoj bolnici koju sam ikad vidio, u delti, obliznjeg portugala (rotterdamskog predgradja)

Takve krajnje, ekstremno bolne vijesti u mene prodiru sa zadrskom, kao ljuti zacini u sambalu. Uostalom, nerazlozivost i nerazumljivost Marijinog prekida doprinijela je zadrsci jer jednostavno nisam mogao vjerovati, bauljao sam u svojim mislima u soku kao ljudi koji su upravo prezivjeli gotovo fatalan saobracajni udes i po izlasku iz potpuno unistenog vozila, neranjeni ali u soku, posegnu za cesljem ... "malj u glavu" sindrom).

Do subote me bol cijepala u nove krhotine. It's amazing in how many shards a man can break... Javio sam se nozini s molbom da mi kaze gdje je onaj ustaski bar u rotterdamu da se potucem s nekim tko ce mi svojom gluposcu dati legimitet da ga izmlatim. Osim toga, kcer povampirenog vlasnika nije takva i navodno je upravo prava cura za mene, kaze Nozina. Hodao sam ulicama pognute glave, plaseci se da nekog nesretnika koji me slucajno prostrijelio pogledom ne rastavim od zivota. Nasao sam se u cinerami, gdje rado svratim, da u opustjelom lobbyju za vrijeme projekcija popusim koju u miru, slusajuci ugodnu glazbu. Tamo, u slijedecem baru bas kao i u thirsty garryju (prethodnom) ugasio sam cigaretu jagodicom prsta polako i duboko disajuci kako je bol opekotine u nastajanju prevladavala bol koja nije imala fizicki izraz.

Jucer, u petak 26. rujna, po prvi puta sam voluntirao u svojem omiljenom rotterdamskom klubu, worm-u. Nisam spavao prethodne noci, napisavsi zadnju verziju pisma kojeg sam poceo pisati upravo mjesec dana prije i u medjuvremenu ga napisao petnaestak puta. Pomagao sam postavljati binu i instalacije od 11 ujutro do ranih vecernjih sati kad sam se zasluzeno prepustio carima programa. Bilo je prekrasno.

Opekotine na srednja tri prsta desne ruke su tijekom proteklog mjeseca na razlicite nacine zarastale: dva plika su splasnula i pozutjela, jedan se uporno drzao. Otusiravsi se slijedeceg jutra ogrubjela koza koja je stitila novi, njezni sloj se pod djelovanjem duge ekspozicije vode odvojio, olabavio i jednostavno sam ga skinuo sa sva tri prsta. Slucajnost? Schizoid affective? I don't think so.

I AM becoming vibration.

'The smell of winter makes me sick for love. It brings back the memories from another world.'

But then again, I always AM in Another World. Always have been, always will be.

It is, the Third World.
And WE have invented it, haven't we?

- 01:27 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

utorak, 11.12.2007.

U rubrici VJEROVALI ILI NE?

Did you know?
That

APARTHEID

IS EIGENLIJK
EEN NEDERLANDSE WOORD.

jaAAAA!!!!

they should all.
be. gassed.

but only the fascists
that wear the uniform.

The revenge is the dish bestest (beest!!!!)
served cold.

iL VOCHE DAL SARDINA.

wait a moment?!
wait until they get outta straight-jacket

and then.

do.
them.
any.
by.
fucking.
one.

EZEKIEL 265:17
E=MCKVADRAT

G_D = LOVE
everything IS everything.

Fuck you all dumb motherfuckers.
OVER.
AND.
OUT.

10:4

- 23:43 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Iman. Ben ik Bin. Ike bene bino Musolino.

Imm sqamo jedno da kazm.

K.A.T.E.
B.U.S.H.

- 23:42 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

Quid Pro Quo

Clarice.

E = MC2

AND MAKE NOT MISTAKE.
IT'S NOT TWO.

IT IS

KVADRAT.

NOVI KVADRAT.
NOVI LIST.
BRAND-FUCKING-NIEUWE LEAF.
make five outta five.

I've got it.
Twice as much.
Got two hands and that's all that I need.

- 20:41 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Rollo Tomassi

007.
8

I have a licence to kill.
Plus one.
Goes to mitigating circumstances. Circumreflex. Circumrefrence.

NON BIS IN IDEM
SINE DIES SINE LINEA

CARPE-FUCKING-DIEM.
Claim it.

I've got no fear for Atomic Energy...
We've got to fulfill the Bull. Il Toro.

I AM A FREE MAN. FREEMAN. NOT MORGAN, MAAR SINISHA.
I LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY. IT'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
VENEZUELANS DO IT JUST AS NICELY THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
OR CABO-VERDE.

Don't want me?
Rot op!

Ik ben EEN ROTTERDAMMER, GODVERDOMME.
IK BEN EEN SOLDAT VAN ORANJE.

SIEG HEIL, MOTHERFURCKERS. YOU SHOULD ALL.
ALL.
BE GASSED.
met Ciclon B.

Dank u wel.

- 19:36 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

GOD SHIVA

Would you believe it?
There are people
Peepul.

UIT THERE
who believe my problem is
COMING OUT.

My problem is
STAYING IIN.

Sure. When there are no women around
I go for anything that walks.

- 19:34 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

The Man With A Child In His Eyes

I am in love again.
His name is... Natas.

We're making love as we speak.
It's beautiful.
I don't dare touch him.

- 19:25 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

If Shit Happens, It Is The Shit of God.

Shit. Ona picka iz najnovijeg bloga me ugrizla i sad krvarim.

- DOCTOR???!!! DOCTOR!!!!!???? IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
- DOTORE? HOW DO YOU LIKE THE FILM?

THE DOCTOR HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
IF ELVIS WAS ALIVE HE'D BE DEAD BY NOW.

Sono lo feci dal Signore.
Sono il regno nero.

Sono l´ANTIChRISTO.

- 17:15 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Oral sex

Evo vam jos, perverznjaci jedni, samo na seks mislite!!!

I was licked today.
By a really great pussy.
Her tongue was like
a fucking sand paper.

But then again, I do like it rough. Tu & tamo.
But then she bit me.

Fuckin' bitch.
Women. You can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em.

- 16:34 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Day 6 of the Weekend

(I get paid NOT to work, thus /dus!/ every day is Sunday to me. Leuk, he?)

Something I wrote vroeger:

Mariju su ljutile moje epizode iznimno dobre volje i zaigranosti (uglavnom posljedica sadrzajnih solo, uglavnom nocnih, djelatnosti) i prvom je takvom prilikom dozivjela prvu svoju "La Bomba" eksploziju, kazala je da ja ismijavam njenu "bolest" (stvarnu ili umisljenu). Nakon toga sam je nastojao, tu svoju tzv. manicnost, bolje kontrolirati u njenom prisustvu, ali u korist vlastite stete jer sam odricanjem jednog svojeg (gotovo najboljeg) elementa vjerojatno sebe ucinio mnogo manje poticajnim i zanimljivim...

Anyway, citajuci Sretno dijete bavim se mislju da je pocnem prevoditi na engleski (ako to vec nitko nije ucinio, moram provjeriti), kao inicijaciju konacno prijevoda na nizozemski, jer nizozemska je mnogo ucila od jugoslavenskog modela socijalizma, ovdje je vecina teoreticara (npr. Kardelj) tog sistema vrlo brzo prevedena na nizozemski. Ta bi im knjiga bila zanimljiva kako zbog jasnih i deklariranih vrijednosti, tako i zbog mudrosti, tj. analiticnosti ustaljenosti tadasnjeg sistema i uspjeha novog vala u ustolicenju novih vrijednosti & mjerila...

Godinama sam imao osjecaj da je Nizozemska pomirila ono najgore iz dvaju svjetova: kapitalistickog i komunistickog. Medjutim, ta je misao bila tek ilustracija moje otudjenosti i pametnog nizozemskog modela samoocuvanja koji se temelji na "privilegiranim strancima" (o tom modelu moze eventualno biti rijec o stanovnicima, ali ne i drzavljanima, dakako).

Sad mi je jasno da je pomirila u mnogo cemu ono najbolje, a hoces-neces, pobjeglo je nesto i onog manje dobrog. Moj problem je osamljenost i izolacija, ali njegovom rjesenju mogu jedino sam doci... U onom ostalom rijec je tek o nekiputa naizgled nepremostivim razlikama mentaliteta.

Poanta spomena Marije jest njen komentar lakoce i uspjesnosti mojeg ostvarivanja kontakata s novim ljudima, naime ona nije razumjela da su nase (njene venezuelanske i moje hrvatske) mentalitetske odrednice univerzalno dopadljive. Spomenula je da je moj dozivljaj "uspjesnosti" tek moja vlastita iluzija. Razmisljao sam nakratko o tome i zakljucio da nije u pravu, jer sam se s lakocom sjetio gomile komentara koje pamtim iz (ili nakon) takovih epizoda koje svjedoce suprotnom.

Uostalom, sto je stvarnost? Stvarnost je nasa dozivljajna iluzija. Ona je uglavnom ono sto sami od nje ucinimo.

- 16:25 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

Cohen, Cohen

Kako sam jednom prilikom djevicanskom preciznoscu naveo svojih pet ili koliko temeljnih karakternih odrenica, to sam ovdje odlucio podijeliti s vama (za sada samo) dvije (medju mnogima) sto sam ih naucio od Marije.

Na primjer, do Marije mislim da u svojem odraslom zivotu nisam zapravo nikad s nikim SPAVAO (ako se nije radilo o dovoljno prostranom, kraljevskom, duplom -- da ne velim bracnom -- krevetu). Nisam ja nikad bio od onih koji nakon "horizontalnog jogginga" odmah jure pod tus, volim se ja u miru (& umjesto cigarete) pomaziti i to, al kad dodje vrijeme spavanja ja uvijek probam i uvijek nakon par sati rostiljanja u krevetu, odlucim se preseliti negdje drugdje. Ako nisam naspavan, onda nisam dobro drustvo, dakle moj postupak koristi nam oboje. Ali zene sa svojim osjechajchichima to ne razumiju pa se desilo nekoliko puta da me tek nakon sto sam zaspao probudi neutjesivo ridanje koje dopire iz kupaonice gdje se ona povukla diskretno se isplakati, jer je ja "ne volim" i sve tak'.

Meni su drame potrebne u zivotu, ali ne volim ih previse ocitima, vise volim kad cure medju pukotinama nego kad ruse zidove glasnocom.

ENTER MARIA. Na obicnom, jednostrukom madracu nikad nam nije bilo tijesno, ni kad smo jogginge pretvarali u maratone ni kad smo kasnije iscrpljeni snivali. Eto sto znaci Prava Zena. Nase su se DNA odmah prepoznale kao komplementarne i dogovorile sve bilateralne sporazume u roku od keks, prije negoli su se iste udostojile i mozgu proslijediti radi informacije. S Marijiom sam znao zaspati u polozajima u kojima sam nikad ne bih uspio, i svejedno lijepo se odmoriti. Nisam mnogo spavao, ali umora slijedeceg dana ne bi bilo.

To me je ucinilo pomisliti da se Pravo Dvoje namirisu, jer kako inace objasniti da se novopeceni roditelji koji prvih godinu-dvije rijetko zaspe na vise od sat-dva u komadu ne pokolju medjusobno prije negoli dijete dospiju otpremiti u vrtich ili kod bake? Pa isto tako: neki prekidac nas pukne negdje unutra i onda smo OK i bez uobicajenih sati sna...

A druga stvar?

Pa... radi se o manje diskretnoj, ali vrlo djevicansko-ozbiljnoj osobini sveopce Preozbiljnosti zivotne.

Kad mi neka koju (jos?) nisam istinski zavolio u zanosu pocne vikat

Jebi me! Jebi me!

a ja stanem malo pa razmislim: Pa jebem te, picka ti materina! Sta mislis da radim, da perem sudje?

Al kad mi Marija vice

KOHE ME KOHE ME MI AMOR!

ne treba mi nikakav voice-over naration (ali kad dolazi iz njenih drazesnih usta drago mi je cuti), jer znam da ju posteno kohem. Eventualno joj, mojoj Hermini, dok hvata zrak prisapnem "Skotoseme", Diamandino grcko "Ubij me" u Harijevoj inkarnaciji stepske ptitchitze. Pa kad napravim nesto a cujem jedan OH! vise, onda odmah odvazno krenem u istrazivacki rad: ako to napravim triput zaredom, pa jedan twist na kraju, hoce li biti progresivno vise ohova? Let's study this phenomena! Nema do preciznog, analitickog, orijentiranog na detalje djevicanskog mozga!

Da, da... takvi smo mi, Cohenim. Vec znate da nisam Zidov, ali se rado s njima poistovjecujem, pa mi je draga epizoda u najmocnijem, najtjeskobnijem filmu (dovoljno oglasavanog na ovom blogu) kad Maximilliana Cohena, mojeg "tek nesto briljantnijeg" pobratima otmu i dovedu do glavnog od sekte Hassidima, a ovaj ga pokusa umiriti: Cohen? Pa ti si jedan od nas! Ja sam Rabin Cohen. Cohenim!

Svi smo jebachi, zivotami.

- 12:00 - Komentari (8) - Isprintaj - #

ponedjeljak, 10.12.2007.

U picku materinu

Placem
na Pearl Harbour.

I need professional help, hahaha.
Some sleep will do nicely, thank you.

Where are the fucking pills?

- 23:39 - Komentari (4) - Isprintaj - #

DO NOT

Tell me it can not
be done

I'm doing it.

- 23:27 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Hij

IS BOOS.

- 23:18 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

PRRRROKLETI

"Voljelo se dvoje mladih,
sest mjeseci, godinu

Kad pozele da se uzmu
Dusmani im ne dadose."

- 23:16 - Komentari (3) - Isprintaj - #

Projections of Inadequacy

It's powerful.
What they do in the Pearl Harbour.

In the attack scene they combine grainy B&W footage (perhaps documentaric record from the actual attack? They certainly wants us to believe it.) with the footage taken for the (hollywood) production.

While the truth is putting on its boots,
The Lie has circled the World.

That's why semi-truths, semi-lies
Are the worst.

IF THE MOTHERFUCKERS MOVE TO DISMISS ME ON MEDICAL GROUNDS
NAPRAVIT CU IM TAK'OG BELAJA KAO STO GA NIJE BILO U POVIJESTI COVJECANSTVA.
No shit. It has never been done.

It's AN INSULT!!!!
AN INSULT!

To be treated like a crazy person for projections of inadequacy from the insecure smurfs. And for what?
For insisting TO EARN MY 3,400 NETTO EUROS PER MONTH
AS OPPOSED TO JUST GETTING IT FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING

EXCEPT DYING FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY
EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Maybe they're not wrong.
Maybe I should move to 5-7 digits.

They owe me that much
At least.

KE IM SE POMACHAM!

- 23:13 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Ultimately

UNDEFINED.

- 22:44 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Goedkoop

Vidio sam danas nesto sto sam odmah pozelio kupiti, za 2,95 eura.

Scalpel sa ekstra ostrom ivicom za modelare.

Previse sam se prepao
da bih si ga priustio.

- 22:43 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

APOCALYPSE...

NOW!!!

I WANT IT

NOW!!!

Not tomorrow, not yesterday.
REvolution WILL NOT BE TELEVIZED.
Revolution WILL BE LIVE.

- 22:36 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Opet imate srecu.

Zaboravio sam
Sto sam vam

Zelio reci.

- 22:35 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

Call me Kurtz.

I LOVE MY INSANITY.

IT'S A POETRY (WAITING TO HAPPEN).
i've got nothing but my genious to declare.

HAHAHAHAHA.

- 22:28 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

I do have it.

A death-wish.
After all.

I just hope I get to see the other mothefucker die before me.

- 22:12 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Imam sina

Vrlo je izvjesno da imam sina, i da je napunio 12 godina u subotu. Jucer sam s njime po prvi puta razgovarao.

Pametan i senzitivan decko.

Voli praviti makete aviona, brodova i svakojakih drugih prometala. Kupio sam mu danas maketu za sastavljanje jedne tipicne nizozemske jedrilice. U drvu. Mozda ce mu to biti izazov, jer pretpostavljam da obicno radi s plastikom.

Ide u sesti razred i prolazi s 5.

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I WAS NOT PART OF HIS LIFE BEFORE, but his mother made it damn difficult for me, because she did trick me into having a child and the law only recognises the fact that the child exists and cares not about individual responsibility.

There's no way I can make it legally established that her responsibility is at least 51% vs. mine (at least) 49%. Then we would not need to talk about the money.

I will not have any children with Maria. Maria is GONE. Maybe in 10, 20 years. I will find her in Venezuela, and I. WILL. LOOK. HER. IN. THE. EYES... AND FIND THE TRUTH.

I am too accomplished not to leave any trace in the history. Maybe somehting happens with the photography, with film, with writing, but it's a BIG MAYBE.

THERE IS NO BIGGER ART THAN BEING A GOOD PARENT and that Artistry has been denied to me.

Fuckin' Cesare Borgia. That's who I was in my previous life. And NOW? NOW? NOW I'M PAYING FOR IT.

WELL, MOTHERFUCKERS, I PAID ENOUGH.

I WANT TO SEE SOME FUCKING BLOOD!
dontmesswithmewhenimangry

Sretam ti rodjendan, Luka.

- 21:03 - Komentari (6) - Isprintaj - #

Happy & Bleeding

I've spent four apsolutely fun-filled, wild days in a row.

I think I can know consider having two friends in Rotterdam. The first is this South African guy, who is somewhat messed up after a seven year relationship with someone that never deserved his unconditional love and commitment and was betraying it constantly for sever years. After it, he became a recluse and is spending his time on the couch, drinking beer and watching television, taking his medicins daily and living on social support. I hope I will eventually be able to draw him out of his shell a little, but that's not likely to happen soon. (I am actually writing this in his place, after we got high on some super-polm marrocan hashish and beer, watching Tarantino/T. Scott's True Romance, the film I love (and that I will now give, through an intermediary, to Maria, because she needs to see it to help her realize how True our Romance was and could have stayed.)

The other is this Die-hard Righteous, but wise for his 30 years of age, Punker, who is also damaged goods, but a very sensitive and kind person. The kind of people I like to surround myself with: I try to help them, I understand them, and being occasionally able to help them makes me feel better about myself. The guy calls himself a "brother of Maria" (he's in love with her; Who isn't? EVERYBODY LOVES MARIA! But Maria loves ME!!! That's why no matter how low & unhappy I get I still never get quite that desperate... only frustrated.) so he's practically related to us!

These are no only Beautiful Loosers (like myself, Maria and Leonard Cohen, hahaha), but because they live on the street (not my South-African buddy) they know the city in an intimate way I want to know about, the way most of the city's white inhabitants never get to know it. It's the Rotterdam Arcana, the hidden charms, hidden places, the hidden beauties of the city never mentioned in the touristic tour guides and the such.

They are powerful allies, dear friends, because you never know in the city that can be somewhat dangerous when the situation will arise in which a friend that comes out of nowhere does that decisive gest of support or help that'll keep you in one piece.

Alain is the Newest Angel in my life, and a new Tzadik (hebrew for a mentor, a holy man, a teacher). He's got a much more present death-wish than I ever get. He could sell his talents for big money but essentially has no belief in him-self... that's why he chooses to dress and behave in a confrontational way: he craves attention. He cannot see past his present ways, and it's a damn shame. He's a fuckin' great guy.

- 19:23 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Argentina je dobila Predsjednicu!

Nemam pojma tko je ona i jel to dobra il losa stvar, ali mi je puno drago!!!

She looks like a classy woman.

- 19:09 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Love In The Times Of Cholera

I used to hate that Marques' novel, Love In The Times Of Cholera. That a guy would fall in love with a girl in his teen years, and -- since the relationship was not to be -- go on through his life pining over her until eventually when they were both, dunno... 80 or something and then finally they got together... I mean, gimme me a break! Move on, buddy - there's plenty of fish in the ocean! That used to be me. I used to be able to move on easily.

That is, until I've met Maria. It's impossible for me not to think about her. There is no closure between us, she's simply disappeared from my life. I've tried to provoke her to tell me why -- there was nothing that happened that would have ruined our relationship -- she was never able to. Does she not love me anymore? "I don't know.", I got her to tell me once and that was the closest she ever came to explaining her decision. The fact that she's not sure and that she keeps from contacting me tells me that she needs to keep her head calm in accepting her seemingly inevitable return to Venezuela. Otherwise, why not keep a friendly relationship with me like she does with her other ex-boyfriends?

Close to the end of our relationship she would spend weekends at her ex-boyfriends' place. I was not jealous of that, but was jealous of the fact that they seem to be talking more than the two of us would. I realized later that out of, say, five times we've had deep, meaningful conversations in which she would sustain her occasional tendency to being judgemental and impatient, four times we've had those conversations after something that happened that she later regretted -- it was almost out of pity. She appears to have difficulties with a simple apology. "I gave up on life", or "My life is ruined", she would say occasionally. Where I am with my own life I understand the feeling very well, but cannot understand the lack of commitment in building a relationship or at least communicating one's needs to the other. (Chances of everything falling into right places out of itself are close to zero, perfection does not exist.) I was also too late in realizing that often it was enough for her (like it was to me) to just being together. But since it was impossible for me to understand that someone would fall in love with me so deeply while knowing so little about me, I was keen in grabbing any opportunity in displaying what I think were my "better sides". That's the stupidity of my over-reasoning. Her feelings were true and they told her everything she needed to know. That's the miracle of the love at first sight -- we both saw everything we needed to know in each other's eyes. And even though my intuition usually tells me the right things, I am always keen on later rationally explaining it.

Once we met in the morning and had coffee somewhere. I was trying to start a conversation. Eventually she exploded and shouted at me: "Look, you've got that magazine with you - why don't you read it!!!" That is typical Maria, she is indiscriminate in her silent patience even when it goes against her own preference until she can take it no more and then she goes BOOOOM! That's La Bomba. These things need to be communicated before they reach the explosion point. Like, "Sinisa, I don't feel like talking now, let's just enjoy the silence." or using her wit to drop a hint (she's good at that, at saying a lot with very little) -- I would have been able perfectly to understand the former, my intuition would have been perfectly able to pick up on the latter.

It probably makes sense to spend her remaining time here in a familiar surrounding and in a functional home -- mine is still a mess. Also, she can probably handle him better -- I would often try to tackle, however gently, some of issues that keep poisoning her life. But this is where we are very different -- I keep pressing that crack in (my) glass until the breaking point because until I understand what is making it break I can not solve it. Maria is a essentialy light, fun-loving, active person and doesn't like to dwell on serious matters. We both go too far in our own extremes in these things. I go in too deeply, she doesn't go deeply enough. That's one of the reasons that I feel we were so good for each other -- with little bit of effort we would have been able to meet somewhere half-way, to the mutual benefit.

We have met at the worst times for both of us. She was already on the rock-bottom (the only way was up for her), I was still in the free fall, and she probably saved me from totally crashing. She has also suffered much more in her life than I have.

She told me about her recent crisis that she found herself in a situation when all the (unresolved) issues from her past became active all at once again. Perhaps it will do her some good to go back to Venezuela (where most of those issues generate from) -- it is her home however much she lost contact with it -- she can find good work there with her intelligence and talents. She can also disappear there from people who have the capacity to press those red buttons in her and tackle them one by one at her own time. I hope that is what happens. She learned well not to take bullshit from anyone, she just needs to hint that to the bullshiters in a way that does not make her aggravated or lose control. Take those demons out of the closet one by one, My Love, and kick their ass, in your own way at your own pace. Learn to forgive yourself -- who you are now is what matters, not who you thought you were when you were hardly able to Take On The World. (You HAD to do what you thought at the time was necessary to save your own life. If you hadn't done what you have twelve years ago you would have spent the rest of your life thinking "What if..." that or "What if..." this. Applying the wisdom you have acquired by following your heart then back to judging yourself age 20 is a form of SELF-SABOTAGE!)

And who you are now is this generous, beautiful human being -- people can learn a lot from you. It would be a loss to humanity if you did something to hurt yourself, mi amor.

I need to pick up a pace in reestablishing my own life, something I have been doing in miniscule little steps this year still recovering from all the blows that came my way. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We are both, I feel, testing our own strenght, because at times we lack the self-confidence or support. This is why we are both so stubborn in not accepting help from others. Maria and myself both have many good people in our lives. These people have their own ideas why we matter to them and why we deserve their help and its neither from pity nor from the belief that we are weak. These people are not stupid, they define us in their own way and it's just as good, however different it may be from the picture we have of ourselves. In the main, both visions (that we have of ourselves and the one others have of us) are congruent, they are the same, it's only that the emphasis is on different things.

And who better than us, moja ljubavi, to understand how good it makes one feel when one is able to help someone they really admire and look up to?

At bad moments I do think about finding some beautiful cliff with Maria and jumping in together, like she said couples in love do somewhere in Latin America.

So now I am just like that romantic dumb-ass from the Love in the times of Cholera. I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you, Maria, and I feel I may never love like this again. Maybe I get meet you again in 10, 20, 30 years time? Just how do I manage not to remain a loner in that time and remain an open, sincere, giving person is my big issue, especially these days when I've been flirting with this Capo-verdian Princess...

Only one thing I ask: please don't leave without seeing me once again. I want, I need to lock eyes with you, Maria, one more time and drown for the moment in their infinite depths.

Ashik ja osta na te oci...

- 17:44 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

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