Love In The Times Of Cholera
I used to hate that Marques' novel, Love In The Times Of Cholera. That a guy would fall in love with a girl in his teen years, and -- since the relationship was not to be -- go on through his life pining over her until eventually when they were both, dunno... 80 or something and then finally they got together... I mean, gimme me a break! Move on, buddy - there's plenty of fish in the ocean! That used to be me. I used to be able to move on easily.
That is, until I've met Maria. It's impossible for me not to think about her. There is no closure between us, she's simply disappeared from my life. I've tried to provoke her to tell me why -- there was nothing that happened that would have ruined our relationship -- she was never able to. Does she not love me anymore? "I don't know.", I got her to tell me once and that was the closest she ever came to explaining her decision. The fact that she's not sure and that she keeps from contacting me tells me that she needs to keep her head calm in accepting her seemingly inevitable return to Venezuela. Otherwise, why not keep a friendly relationship with me like she does with her other ex-boyfriends?
Close to the end of our relationship she would spend weekends at her ex-boyfriends' place. I was not jealous of that, but was jealous of the fact that they seem to be talking more than the two of us would. I realized later that out of, say, five times we've had deep, meaningful conversations in which she would sustain her occasional tendency to being judgemental and impatient, four times we've had those conversations after something that happened that she later regretted -- it was almost out of pity. She appears to have difficulties with a simple apology. "I gave up on life", or "My life is ruined", she would say occasionally. Where I am with my own life I understand the feeling very well, but cannot understand the lack of commitment in building a relationship or at least communicating one's needs to the other. (Chances of everything falling into right places out of itself are close to zero, perfection does not exist.) I was also too late in realizing that often it was enough for her (like it was to me) to just being together. But since it was impossible for me to understand that someone would fall in love with me so deeply while knowing so little about me, I was keen in grabbing any opportunity in displaying what I think were my "better sides". That's the stupidity of my over-reasoning. Her feelings were true and they told her everything she needed to know. That's the miracle of the love at first sight -- we both saw everything we needed to know in each other's eyes. And even though my intuition usually tells me the right things, I am always keen on later rationally explaining it.
Once we met in the morning and had coffee somewhere. I was trying to start a conversation. Eventually she exploded and shouted at me: "Look, you've got that magazine with you - why don't you read it!!!" That is typical Maria, she is indiscriminate in her silent patience even when it goes against her own preference until she can take it no more and then she goes BOOOOM! That's La Bomba. These things need to be communicated before they reach the explosion point. Like, "Sinisa, I don't feel like talking now, let's just enjoy the silence." or using her wit to drop a hint (she's good at that, at saying a lot with very little) -- I would have been able perfectly to understand the former, my intuition would have been perfectly able to pick up on the latter.
It probably makes sense to spend her remaining time here in a familiar surrounding and in a functional home -- mine is still a mess. Also, she can probably handle him better -- I would often try to tackle, however gently, some of issues that keep poisoning her life. But this is where we are very different -- I keep pressing that crack in (my) glass until the breaking point because until I understand what is making it break I can not solve it. Maria is a essentialy light, fun-loving, active person and doesn't like to dwell on serious matters. We both go too far in our own extremes in these things. I go in too deeply, she doesn't go deeply enough. That's one of the reasons that I feel we were so good for each other -- with little bit of effort we would have been able to meet somewhere half-way, to the mutual benefit.
We have met at the worst times for both of us. She was already on the rock-bottom (the only way was up for her), I was still in the free fall, and she probably saved me from totally crashing. She has also suffered much more in her life than I have.
She told me about her recent crisis that she found herself in a situation when all the (unresolved) issues from her past became active all at once again. Perhaps it will do her some good to go back to Venezuela (where most of those issues generate from) -- it is her home however much she lost contact with it -- she can find good work there with her intelligence and talents. She can also disappear there from people who have the capacity to press those red buttons in her and tackle them one by one at her own time. I hope that is what happens. She learned well not to take bullshit from anyone, she just needs to hint that to the bullshiters in a way that does not make her aggravated or lose control. Take those demons out of the closet one by one, My Love, and kick their ass, in your own way at your own pace. Learn to forgive yourself -- who you are now is what matters, not who you thought you were when you were hardly able to Take On The World. (You HAD to do what you thought at the time was necessary to save your own life. If you hadn't done what you have twelve years ago you would have spent the rest of your life thinking "What if..." that or "What if..." this. Applying the wisdom you have acquired by following your heart then back to judging yourself age 20 is a form of SELF-SABOTAGE!)
And who you are now is this generous, beautiful human being -- people can learn a lot from you. It would be a loss to humanity if you did something to hurt yourself, mi amor.
I need to pick up a pace in reestablishing my own life, something I have been doing in miniscule little steps this year still recovering from all the blows that came my way. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. We are both, I feel, testing our own strenght, because at times we lack the self-confidence or support. This is why we are both so stubborn in not accepting help from others. Maria and myself both have many good people in our lives. These people have their own ideas why we matter to them and why we deserve their help and its neither from pity nor from the belief that we are weak. These people are not stupid, they define us in their own way and it's just as good, however different it may be from the picture we have of ourselves. In the main, both visions (that we have of ourselves and the one others have of us) are congruent, they are the same, it's only that the emphasis is on different things.
And who better than us, moja ljubavi, to understand how good it makes one feel when one is able to help someone they really admire and look up to?
At bad moments I do think about finding some beautiful cliff with Maria and jumping in together, like she said couples in love do somewhere in Latin America.
So now I am just like that romantic dumb-ass from the Love in the times of Cholera. I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you, Maria, and I feel I may never love like this again. Maybe I get meet you again in 10, 20, 30 years time? Just how do I manage not to remain a loner in that time and remain an open, sincere, giving person is my big issue, especially these days when I've been flirting with this Capo-verdian Princess...
Only one thing I ask: please don't leave without seeing me once again. I want, I need to lock eyes with you, Maria, one more time and drown for the moment in their infinite depths.
Ashik ja osta na te oci...
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