Ptitchitza u niskom letu

ponedjeljak, 29.10.2007.

The Hunger & Addiction

Undead... Undead... Undead...
Bila je to ljubav onih koji jos jedva nisu mrtvi.

Dva stvorenja Tame nisu zive zeljeli pretvarati u vampire nego su se hranili jedno drugim.
Ali anemicna je ta vampirska krv i takva dijeta po prirodi nije odrziva.

It was a sick love: my love, herself.
Both sick.

No, oprao sam danas posteljinu.
Dosta sam drogirao Marijom.

- 18:03 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

I FEEL FINE!

Oh yes baby, I'm back BIG TIME!

U petak sam poceo raditi u WORM-u (www.wormweb.nl), mojem omiljenom klubu. Upoznao jos niz ljudi mojeg kova, tj. freakova i umjetnika i pomogao im oko instalacija. I prvi puta u zivotu radio s bor-mashinom, haha!

U subotu sam proveo noc s jednom prekrasnom lezbijkom, koja se cini malo zbunjenom ovih dana & it was beautiful (iako me ujutro zamolila da odem: meni se (jos) nije spavalo, ali njoj bome jest.)

Nedjelja je vec opisana. Svidjalo mi se da nemam nikakav dojam o vremenu, u soku od toliko brzog "padanja mraka na oci"...

Sad su mi u gostima troje filmadjija & a sound-engineer koji ovdje zavrsavaju svoj film.

Eh, lajf is gud, egen.

- 12:01 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

Osvjezenje

Bas mi je drago vidjeti cijelu stranica mojih izmisljotina gdje se Maria eventualno provuce koji put kroz koji redak, ali se izrijekom vise moji postovi njome ne bave.

Napisao sam D Pismo u noci s cetvrtka na petak, ono sustinski isto pismo kojeg sam njoj vec jedno tridesetak puta ispisao (i dao) u posljednjih mjesec dana, ali ovoga puta se radi o vrlo jasnoj analizi stvari. Taj post smatram jednim od svojih najboljih na ovoj stranici, ukljucit cu ga za dan-dva pa citajte, koga zanima (upozorenje: stvari su kompleksne i radi se o cetiri stranice, tj. o jos jednom duuuugackom postu).

"If you love her, set her free". I loved her and I've set her free. Stambembriga.

- 11:58 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

nedjelja, 28.10.2007.

Oli Hauska Tavaaata.

Sutra je poslovni sastanak.
Zupan Juzne zupanije
Sastaje se s Panichichem malo manje juzne pokrajine.

Prvo cemo se
OBLOKAT KO PICHKE
a onda cemo vidjet
cija naaa-na Chrnu Crnicu prede.

CHVRCHI CHVRCHI CHVRSCHCHI
NA DVORU CHRNE SCHMRCHE.
(Odmah do zatvora u Scheveningenu.)

Zupan ima SISSU
Panic ima... sta? Sisicu?

- 17:19 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

Niet LASTIG

"un SETTLING"
That's the word She used.

It was pretty kind of her.
Dank je, Peggy.

Ekstremiteti su mi hladni (COLD DOG)
Ali Glava je VRUCHA!

- 17:18 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Eating = Good

We don't Eat
Around here.
This is Holland.

But you're welcome to try.

- 17:15 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Go Straight

You need to turn left
After the bridge.

GO STRAIGHT.

There's gonna be a big Roundabout, kinda.
Hospital on the right,
Big
Brown
Beautiful
Building.
Menacing, in front.
Sort of Ministry of Truth.

STAY STRAIGHT.

It's pretty simpel.

- 17:15 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

His Master's Voice

This is the zo-genaamde Bedroom.
The Master's One.

He doesn't live
Anymore
Around here.

- 17:14 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Mario?

Dojdi.
Treba mi tvoj

Dodir za san.

The less I sleep,
The kinkier I get.

- 17:12 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Helou Nikita

I've got a pen.
You?
A bomb.

A minor one, though.
La Bombita, eh?

I'm a fucking MUSH ROOOOOOM!
RUSH

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

- 17:11 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Don't Come Knocking

(Wenders/Hyvonen/Span)

Cum Another Time.

Welcome to my humble Abode.
Mi corazan = su corazon.
She's Got Two, I am without?
(Who is he and what is he to you?)

Not enough for one, two mucho for three?

- 17:09 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

I Declare

Myself Officially suicidal.
Like Oscar Wilde
Na granici
Fine glatke crte, bijele.

I AM becoming a Vibration.
SVE BUM IH USMRKAL.

- 17:07 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Wiet Wet?

Why is it
Getting Dark
So early?

Who the fuck knows.
Slippery when wet.

- 17:06 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

petak, 26.10.2007.

Process manager

U Velikom Bijelom Moru sam svakojakog polusvijeta upoznao. Navodno je vlasnik neki (bivsi?) turski mafijas, kojeg sam odmah bio skuzio kao "bwanu" (sefa), iako sam prvo mislio da se radi o nekom ambasadoru s "nocnim zivotom", hehehe -- nista ne govori, uvijek je tamo, i nosi se kao "distinguished gentleman", u besprijekornim odijelima.

Kako sam vec bio spominjao, lokal je sjajno uredjen, a pri tom ne mislim na unutarnje uredjenje, nego na sigurnost. Radi non-stop, i navodno je u proslosti ovdje bilo nekih incidenata pa je i potrebno. Ulazi se kroz metal-detektor, a to je tek najocitiji znak. Jedan od manje ocitih su ekstra vrata u muskom WC-u, smjestena iza ledja covjeku koji je sucelice udaljenijem od dva pisoara. Ta vrata vode do kuhinje. Vrlo diskretan nacin da se nekom potencijalnom trouble-makeru na upecatljiv nacin dade do znanja da se skulira... "or else".

Neki dan, u pola cetiri ujutro svratio s nekim starim hrvatskim novinama. Moj stari znanac za vratima mi rece da ih ostavim kod njega. Prvo sam mislio da se sali, ali je bio sasvim ozbiljan. "Po danu, nema problema, ali u ovo doba bolje ne listat novine". Ostavio novine, i uz pice skuzio briljantnost takvog pristupa. U to doba, dobar dio gostiju je vec dobrano pod gasom. Novine (pa makar i stare, pa makar i strane) uvijek nose nesto od kontroverznih politickih stvari koje ljudi vole komentirati (pa makar se prepoznalo neko ime ili lik na fotografiji), a u danim okolnostima i s gostima toliko "sarenim", samo je pitanje vremena kad ce se, potpomognuti smanjenim inhibicijama uslijed konzumiranog alkohola, zakaciti oko drugacijeg vidjenja nekog od nerijesenih svjetskih problema.

U istom sam lokalu upoznao i jednog sarmantnog gada koji mi se predstavio poznatim imenom legendarnog kriminalca u Miamiju iz poznatog i kultnog filma.

- "Cime se bavis", pitao sam ga.
- "Ja sam process manager."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Eto najboljeg naziva na kriminalca kojeg sam ikada cuo, kao da ga je Suvar izmislio! "Kae, rista, imas problem s nekim procesom? Nemas frke, bum ja to sredil za tebe."

Sve si mislim potrazit Tonyja da posjeti kojeg tzv. majstora. Bilo bi svakako brze nego se zajebavat sudskom tuzbom...

- 09:00 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

četvrtak, 25.10.2007.

Svjetlo na kraju tunela

Da ste me pitali ljetos, rekao bih vam da nakon najturobnije godine u svojem odraslom zivotu "vidim svjetlo na kraju tunela".

Godinu dana prije, bio sam u iznajmljenom i koliko premalenom toliko i preskupom stanu i druzio sam se s jednom ljupkom 27-godisnjom Portugalkom, rodjenoj u Venezueli.

Ljetos sam bio u svojem vlastitom stanu i s Marijom, pravom Venezuelkom! Zenom koja me je dozivljela kao nijedna prije, koja je od mene cula sto nijedna prije nije: da zelim da se useli k meni, da zelim imati dijete s njome... zena s kojom se buducnost cinila koliko izvjesnom toliko i svijetlom.

Tri mjeseca nakon toga cini mi se da je svjetlo na kraju tunela bilo svjetlo nadolazeceg vlaka. Bila je to dugacka kompozicija i osjetio sam svaki kotac svakog vagona na sebi.

Ipak, jos sam tu. Podugacak tunel, ali i njem mora doci kraj, kvragu i sve. Jedino sto se ovih dana osjecam toliko praznim bilokakvih osjecaja da nisam nizasta. Nisam dobro drustvo, a trebaju mi ljudi. U ovakvim stanjima cak mi se i patnja cini boljom: barem nekakav osjecaj da ucini da se osjetim ziv, ako mi vec sreca toliko vrckavo i neuhvatljivo plese nadomak ociju...

- 12:41 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

I've got dreams to remember

Primijetio sam jednu stvar:

Sto mi je zivot dosadniji,
To ljepse sanjam.

- 09:00 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

srijeda, 24.10.2007.

Fuck nor kill

Maria is in every fiber of this bed-linnen unwashed since summer.

Oh, hey! How are you doing?
For a dead person I'm doing remarkably well.

She says she wants to make me hate her.
Maybe I could if she wasn't sick.
Maybe I could if she wasn't leaving.
Maybe I could if she didn't want me to.

Hate is energy. I have none.
E=MC2 We fucked well.

- 13:31 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

subota, 13.10.2007.

Alokin Cinapu!

Ispit cu ti krv na slamchicu!

- 13:26 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Pod vodom zvuk putuje dulje?

Evo jedne ilustracije (izrazito) drugacije naravi nizozemskog mentaliteta, njihove "hladnoce", distanciranosti i suzdrzanosti:

U prostorima gdje se skupljaju ljudi, kao npr. u kaficima ili vlaku, cesto se desi da ljudi koji sjede za razlicitim stolovima ili na drugoj strani u vagonu (noviji vlakovi ovdje nemaju odjeljke nego su svi u istom prostoru, na dva nivoa) zapocnu razgovor i -- valjda da bi se bolje culi -- to cine povisenim glasovima, cesto vicuci jedan na drugoga.

I tako prolazi cijeli razgovor -- rijetko ce se netko preseliti za stol sugovornika i nastaviti razgovor u normalnom tonu, dozvoljavajuci mozda da se nekako i zblize, popiju pice zajedno i skuze da imaju nesto zajednicko sto vrijedi njegovati. Umjesto toga se cini da cijeli kafic odjedanput plane u galami koja se ugasi jednako iznenadno kako je i zapocela.

Ne prihvacam to kao normalno, koliko god njima jest. Nas domaci pristup je mnogo prirodniji: "sta se deres, picka ti materina! - sjedi ovdje ka covik pa da popricamo ili ajmo vanka da vidimo cija majka crnu vunu prede sinko!"

- 13:17 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

petak, 12.10.2007.

Good mourning

Moja ljubav,
spokojna.

Zivi
i pociva u miru.

- 10:57 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

utorak, 02.10.2007.

"When my phone doesn't ring, I'll know it's her"

It did rang once today shortly. I called instantly back and we spoke for half an hour.

It's killing me that I do not get an answer to where to I stand with Maria. Or what has provoked that break-up last week in the first place.

Speaking about it is somewhat frustrating. She never once said she doesn't love me or that she loves somebody else, but I get an impression that -- because she is leaving the Netherlands in several months -- she wants to protect herself from getting too emotionally involved on one hand, while on the other she's trying to "protect" me from her.

She keeps saying that "I don't know her", all the "bad things" she did in the last ten or so years, but I know her well enough. I see who she is NOW, and now is when we live, not ten years ago. The beautiful, caring, intelligent, tough, open, sincere Maria I do know is so special exactly because of all those experiences that she has had, so ultimately I don't even feel I need to know. (She keeps that part of her life carefully closed to me, saying that to whomever she told about has left her. Try me! I'd do anything for you, Maria. And if you're leaving in a few months, it's a win-win situation. Perhaps I'll prove myself special in one more way.)

And who know what future brings. 11 years ago I had a distant relationship with a German jazz singer who lives near Dortmund. It proved to be too much to maintain it, from Zagreb and we broke of sometime in the autumn of that year. Three months later I got a contract to work in the Hague, two hours drive away from her!

It cold in the NL, summer that has brought me Maria seems like ages ago, and yet I'm replaying it constantly in my mind. Never felt so lonely in my life.

- 20:51 - Komentari (6) - Isprintaj - #

Answering my own question

Here's me answering my own questions. I'm just back from leaving some flowers for Maria at her clinic, with a note. Maria was there, I was told by the receptionist but I did not want her to be called. If she refused to see me or accept the flowers, that would be yet another blow.

That "use me or abuse me" message I've sent to Maria yesterday is a pretty desperate. Far too desperate. If Maria is currently unable to define her feelings for me what choices do I have but to leave her at peace when that is what she wants. No pressuring however kind or pleading will change that. It's too easy for both of us to find some kind of an escapistic refuge in each other's embrace, and thinking back to some things she has said I think now that is what may be at the crux of this current situation. That is not a healthy base for a relationship. But, we have -- despite all the objective difficulties already built some bond, shared some beautiful moments, and I hope there will be an opportunity to convert that through this current stand-off into something lasting and harmounious, and less turbulent.

Maria is everything to me, but it would be wrong to channel all my feelings of self-worth and dedication through her. I need to finally resolve the mess at my apartment (it's been more than 4 bloody months!) and to make it home. If my current contractor is not able to do that, I need to find somebody else. It's not a home currently, and I seek not to be there witnessing the sorry state it currently is.

Also, I either need to arrange to go back to work or find some voluntary work that will keep me busy and keep my mind off Maria.

It was probably the worst possible moment for Maria and myself to meet, each being in the whirl of our own crisis. I need to find some patience now, focus on the things mentioned above and who knows -- clearing out these important issues in my life may well prove to be instrumental in securing a steadier basis for my hopeful future with Maria.

I just hope there will be SOME role (however passive or distant) for me in her life, wherever and however she chooses to live it.

I miss her so terribly much.

- 13:46 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

Otvorena ziva rana

Maria is my open wound, she is my neurotic knot.

There are reasons for me to believe last week's events were just a tragic misunderstanding. It began on Tuesday morning with her text message:

"I don't have you key anymore i am sorry for everything i wish you the best bye bye"

which I took to be a break-up note. The message came three days after we last saw each other and spend a lovely afternoon together. Nothing bad or good happened in between, although something must have happened because she wasn't returning my calls or messages during that time.

It is possible she was just ashaimed for the fact she lost the key. So what? Fuck the key, I've lost one too: I've got plenty left. And anyone, once the apartment is finished I'll change the lock and give another copy to the people I've entrusted with it.

I was offended she would break-up with me with a fucking text message. I took it to be serious and behaved in such way. She was calling back to ask if I was OK. It's just so full of contradictions, the full affair.

She found the key after all. On Sunday we've met: she came to my apartment. "Do not call me or text me anymore" - she was insisting. Why? That's the tricky part: no rational explanations why. She pulled the "crazy Maria" act: behaving very agressively, waving her hands in my face, full of intimidation and anger. This always appears out of nowhere to me, and I since I've came to understand that simply trying to calm her down just makes the opposite effect, I always do the same thing: I ask her to hit me.

- Hit me. Hit me! It looks like you want to, why don't you. I will not hit you back.

I reckon if it's so bad, perhaps physical expression of her anger will help diminish it and the regret that may follow (I just hope I'd still all of my teeth in place) might allow her to open herself up to me. It never happened so far.

On Sunday, I thought I should provoke it. I thought, I should just grab her and kiss her and see what happens. I didn't dare: You don't wanna mess with Maria when she's like that. But it was a good idea, and now that I feel I have nothing more to lose, I decided next time I will do exactly that. Fuck the teeth, one or two more or less, who cares.

I am writing all this in English because I hope either Maria or some of two or three people that truly care about care would read it: I have no other options, even though Maria does occasionally answer my call (and then hangs up in mid sentence).

I went to the Thirsty Garry, a bar near-by her clinic where she was working for years. (Maria is an airplane pilot, did I tell you that? That was in Venezuela, though, years back.) I need to talk about her if I can't talk with her, this is an impossible situation for me to accept: I NEED SOME RESOLUTION.

For weeks she would hint at something important that will happen this month that will give a final "yes" or "no". Yes or no to what - she would not elaborate. In the meantime, I heard from her she will be leaving the Netherlands after her therapy finishes, in about four months.

It is possible she does not want to complicate her situation with building on her relationship with me, if she'll leave the country. I would take anything, agree to any minimal degree of being with her. Just give me a little bit of my Maria to make me survive until that time.

I don't quite make much sense here because I omitted some crucial facts, but I need to expell this frustration in some way. What good does talking to strangers or friends do: they will offer their sympathy, but I'll be coming no closer to resolution.

What makes it so frustrating is that I need some rational reason for this situation to have occured in order for me to accept it even if it turns out to be a result that I do not want. Because one thing is clear: SHE LOVES ME or LOVED ME UNTIL VERY RECENTLY: nothing on my side happened that would cause her to feel differently.

I love her. So what's the fucking problem?

We are perfect for each other, people see it, I see it. We have what my friend Zenkili was say "compatible psychopathologies" (in describing a comparable beautiful love story, the one described in the film "the Secretary"): we are both messed up by having a crazy mother and a loving, tender father. But she's a woman and her mother was her first and most important Source of Positive Identification, so it has damaged her more.

I am aware I am looking for a "mother figure" in my life (although I beg she doesn't come in any way similar to my actual mother), and Maria needs a support she is not able to derive for herself. Having been abused by her mother (always criticised, never encouraged) this is what I believe is a source of her eternal "shame". That is her open wound. I am able to heal it, she is able to heal me.

When she was 20 or 21, in the aviation academy she met some Italian guy: the love of her life. He was going back to Italy, she decided to drop out (only the final exam left before she would get her pilot license) and go with him. She simply dissapeared from Venezuela: she did not say she's leaving TO ANYBODY. In the meantime, her father died of a second heart attack. The affair with the boyfriend did not come through. She stayed in Europe and has been in the Netherlands ever since.

What little she can say about all this before all of her red buttons go up in flames is that SHE HAS RUINED HER LIFE.

She followed her heart and needed to leave all the shit behind, how is that not perfectly clear to her? IT WAS THE ONLY RIGHT DECISION AT THE TIME. If she hadn't taken it, she would be regretting it to the rest of her life, torturing herself with "What if?" questions. "I killed my father", she will say.

Now, I am not religious but she is. If I am able to forgive myself for the sins of my past that I have done, and think of my deceised friends and relatives as some kind of "angels" watching out and trying to guide me in some way (the soul is eternal, this I believe), how come she is not? Her father loved her, he understood her, HE FORGAVE HER. WHY CAN'T SHE FORGIVE HERSELF? When will she stop flogging herself and dwelling on the past?

Her life ruined at the age of 33? Bullshit!!! And on some level she knows it too, because she checked herself into the clinic voluntarily: so she wants to help herself. "No, I gave up on my life." she will say.

And now in her life there's this guy typing all this crap here who would do anything for her, and she loves him. And what. It seems to be a problem, rather than a means for a solution.

Since recently she would have me believe she must not have sex with me, because she likes it too much and she needs to be thinking with a clear head for a change. OK, I say. Let's just be together, no sex then. "No, I can't", she says, "I know if I'm close to you I won't be able to resist you." DO YOU SEE HOW (NOT) FUCKED A SITUATION I AM FINDING MYSELF IN? It's not about sex, though. It's about a tough gordian neurotic knot that's chocking Maria.

Sometimes, when I go on talking too long (and loosing myself in too much details: one of my biggest shortcomings), she puts her hands together, looks to the sky and utters:

JESUS MINAE (DZEIZUS MINEE, that's how it sounds, in Croatian). "What have I done to deserve this?" I have changed my ways in more way than one to accommodate her better, in the meantime. Not much has changed, except that now it's me that's asking:

- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

My text message to Maria, yesterday night read:
"Use me or abuse me, kiss me or hit me, fuck me or kill me. Just Be with Me."

But... I didn't specify that I need to understand the motivation behind it in order to accept it with grace.
For a desperate, hopeless guy I sure have plenty of hope when it comes to Maria. What good is life without her?

"What if this is AS GOOD AS IT GETS?", asked the character of Jack Nicholson in the famous movie. IT CANNOT BE. IF THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS, I REFUSE THAT REALITY. Fuck it. Fuck all.

I deserve to have a loving, caring relationship, start a family and finally have some kind of internal stability in my life. I've done a lot to improve myself over the years. "You are perfect for any normal girl", said Maria. She even wanted us to go out together where she would introduce me to some. ("My mission." she said) I couldn't not believe my ears. What kind of a woman loves the guys wants to find him somebody else? Well... pretty ab-normal one. Guess what: I'm pretty far from "normal" myself, and "normal" girls are either too boring for me or I'm too edgy for them.

I guess Maria and myself are our own worst enemies.

Thank you for reading (if you have). Do leave a comment please, anything will do.

- 10:26 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

ponedjeljak, 01.10.2007.

The Dream

She hugged me at the door.
She left in a complicated anger.

In my 13-hour Quest for the Accommodation in the Realm of the Unconscious, she came back to me at least three times:

As My Life's Ambition.

There was an apartment. The staircase was dirty (s malim govancima!).

There was a classroom. Teachers were some street-wise guys. Pupils were small cute children practising being Human Animals. I was happy.

In the backyard, children are burrying a mouse in a small rake. I go fetch my metal box with Secrets. It's all organic, except for Salo-tape in which it's wrapped. The Teacher, some woman, refuses it. I'm naked, I have no secrets, just u fucking rain-coat. It's not a grave, I see: there are two hamsters, working together in consolidated effort to clean it and everybody's watching.

There are two dogs on the island, and they take care of me. They are somewhere else now that I'm standing on the top of a high building, confident and careless on the edge. A powerfull wind hits me and a moment of terror splits me in half:

FUCK, THIS IS IT THIS TIME I'M DEAD.

But I'm not. Two dogs are lying on the floor in front of me, facing each other. Actually, it's only one head there, with blue and green hair interwoven. They have human-like feet: one's are straight, the other one's like two mirror horizontal Ls.

Maria is alone, sad, shrunk in a chair, watching TV in a Bouman shop at the corner. I stop for a moment, at the street. Someone tells her I'm there.

She straightenes herself out.
I continue hastily down the street.

Before that, I had to press Ctrl-U on the mobile to see a red heart confirming she'll be there & then.

Let's get well, mi amor.
You and me,
W 2 R 1

Like Martin Buber said.

- 17:03 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

I Too Had a Dream

Nakon sto me zagrlila pri dolasku,
a istrcala pri odlasku:

Mali san
jasan i cist kao dan,
ispricao mi se tijekom trinaest sati
Moje potrage ne-svijesti.

Triput mi se ukazala.
Kao Moja Zivotna Ambicija,
Kao Ctrl-U kao ono sto sam morao na mobitelu stisnuti ne bih li vidio crveno srdasce kao potvrdu njenog dolaska kad & gdje smo se dogovorili.
I kao Maria, koja tuzna, sama i klonula u nekoj sjedalici Bouman ducana na uglu gleda TV. Netko joj je rekao da sam zastao ispred.

Ona se brzo ispravila,
Ja sam brzo produzio ulicom.

- 16:52 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

G_d Is Your Co-pilot

Mi Amor.
I could be your navigator.
You already are
Mine.

Together we SEE.
Clouds or not,
Come Rain Or Come Shine.

______
Maria je pilot po zanimanju.

- 16:50 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

MY LIFE'S AMBITION

Be An Open Book.

Become
Vibration.

- 16:48 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Virtual Reality

Reality is virtual,
I don't control it.
It doesn't control me.

We shape each-other,
Like Maria & myself.

Sleeping is the best.
Reality is an illusion.

DREAMS ARE MINE.

_______
"Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol." (W. Allen)
Funny but wrong. Illusion is reality caused by me being Alleen Maar Niet Eenzam, kao i Nizozemska Kraljica u WW2.

- 16:45 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

"Crazy Maria"

Schizoid affective, her.
Schizoid effective, me
Of her.

Crazy Maria,
My ass.

Mi culito.

- 16:44 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Roken is dodelijk

Cares who?
I've got a licence
To Kill.

Sto bi Cesi rekli na svojim kutijama:
KURACI UMIRAJO PREDCHASNO.
Pred-casno.

- 16:43 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Te downloaden

Ispred mene kljuc od stana
na privjesku s malom narancastom klompicom.

Oko vrata, kljuc od stana
na bijeloj traci sa svijetlo plavim
IDFA slovima.
Boje Izraela.

Poceo sam ga nositi u srijedu.
Isao je dobro uz moju zelenu kosulju
Svedske vojske s koje su istrgane oznake cina.
Kao ne-narancasti znak pripadanja.

Zeleno-bijelo-Svijetlo plavo,
u mjesecu Ramazana.
Shalom Motherfuckers,
tako sam mislio medju svojom bliskoistocnom bracom.

Sad, kad nosim dvije kopije kljuca,
jasno mi je, golom kao uvijek: ja vise nista ne nosim.
Kljuc nosi mene.

Gol-man.

______
Ponedjeljak. Maria je jucer vratila kljuc.
"Don't call me or text me anymore." Mozda i bolje.
Telefon mi se mozda prisluskuje, a ja ne mogu znati tko je Maria, jer mi ona ne govori.

Ona se mi srami, mi amor.

- 16:38 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

"Zlocinci se uvijek vracaju na mjesto zlocina?"

Zasto?

Vrlo jednostavno:
1) Nisu uhvaceni.
2) Zele se diviti sami sebi.

Zelim li se ja vratiti u Cappelle, Delta ili West bolnicu?
Zbog sebe, nisam siguran.

Mene povode Dobre misli.
Lose truju, ali koga truju vise: druge ili mene samog?

- 16:34 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Allahu Akbar

Salaam aleikum, rekoh svojem apetitu po ulasku u najbolji mi Doener ducan poznat u Zapadnoj Hemisferi. Ili cijeloj Mlijecnoj Galaksiji, sto se toga tice.

Startao sam svoj apetit nekako, nakon sto me Maria
ne-znam-ni-sam-sta u utorak.

Od srijede do petka pojeo musli s decilitrom mlijeka.
I sendvic. Vise mi nije trebalo.

Do subote pivo, i sve tekucine kojima sam se hranio, vise nisu imali sto ponuditi mojim ocima. Isplakao sam a Brand Nieuwe Maas, negdje izmedju Rijnhavena i Maashavena.

Po ulasku u HAS, u Vuurplat ulici (Rotterdam Zuid, odmah preko Erasmus mosta), apetit je meni uzvratio:

Aleikum salaam.

B_g je velik. B_g je ljubav.
Ljubav je svuda. Ljubav je sve.
Everything is everything and one doesn't have to "schizoid aeffective" to recognise that.

- 16:27 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Johhny B. G(o)od

I was rather busy for a man out of work yesterday.
Gledao sam u zemlju dok sam hodao okolo,
like some Looser Shit-Kicker.

Ja, ponosam kao sto jesam.

Cinio sam to da ne bih uhvatio neciji hudi pogled.
Rastavio bih ga sa zivotom.

Gotovo sam cetiri covjeka ozlijedio/ubio (ili oni mene) od srpnja do sada. Uvrijedili me. Vrijedom koji bi me ubio mnogo ranije od Pokojnog nam Franceka. (Je li Bravar bio bolji?)

Ja should get NObelovu nagradu za
Anger-fucking-management.

A ne da me tretiraju kao zlocinca ili bolesnika
or like some dope-head.

_________
Subota

- 16:24 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Strah

Ne usudjujem se pogledati ima li novih komentara,
Kao sto se ne usudjujem zakoraciti u vlastiti stan vidjeti jeli mi spavaca soba gotova.

Osamljenost vise nije znacka koju rado nosim,
Kao sto plikovi na jagodicama dokazuju od svih cigareta
koje sam tako gasio.

Cetiri mjeseca posta, najdulji Mjesec Posta u povijesti covjecanstva?
A Ramazan je tek poceo.

- 16:21 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

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