Otvorena ziva rana
Maria is my open wound, she is my neurotic knot.
There are reasons for me to believe last week's events were just a tragic misunderstanding. It began on Tuesday morning with her text message:
"I don't have you key anymore i am sorry for everything i wish you the best bye bye"
which I took to be a break-up note. The message came three days after we last saw each other and spend a lovely afternoon together. Nothing bad or good happened in between, although something must have happened because she wasn't returning my calls or messages during that time.
It is possible she was just ashaimed for the fact she lost the key. So what? Fuck the key, I've lost one too: I've got plenty left. And anyone, once the apartment is finished I'll change the lock and give another copy to the people I've entrusted with it.
I was offended she would break-up with me with a fucking text message. I took it to be serious and behaved in such way. She was calling back to ask if I was OK. It's just so full of contradictions, the full affair.
She found the key after all. On Sunday we've met: she came to my apartment. "Do not call me or text me anymore" - she was insisting. Why? That's the tricky part: no rational explanations why. She pulled the "crazy Maria" act: behaving very agressively, waving her hands in my face, full of intimidation and anger. This always appears out of nowhere to me, and I since I've came to understand that simply trying to calm her down just makes the opposite effect, I always do the same thing: I ask her to hit me.
- Hit me. Hit me! It looks like you want to, why don't you. I will not hit you back.
I reckon if it's so bad, perhaps physical expression of her anger will help diminish it and the regret that may follow (I just hope I'd still all of my teeth in place) might allow her to open herself up to me. It never happened so far.
On Sunday, I thought I should provoke it. I thought, I should just grab her and kiss her and see what happens. I didn't dare: You don't wanna mess with Maria when she's like that. But it was a good idea, and now that I feel I have nothing more to lose, I decided next time I will do exactly that. Fuck the teeth, one or two more or less, who cares.
I am writing all this in English because I hope either Maria or some of two or three people that truly care about care would read it: I have no other options, even though Maria does occasionally answer my call (and then hangs up in mid sentence).
I went to the Thirsty Garry, a bar near-by her clinic where she was working for years. (Maria is an airplane pilot, did I tell you that? That was in Venezuela, though, years back.) I need to talk about her if I can't talk with her, this is an impossible situation for me to accept: I NEED SOME RESOLUTION.
For weeks she would hint at something important that will happen this month that will give a final "yes" or "no". Yes or no to what - she would not elaborate. In the meantime, I heard from her she will be leaving the Netherlands after her therapy finishes, in about four months.
It is possible she does not want to complicate her situation with building on her relationship with me, if she'll leave the country. I would take anything, agree to any minimal degree of being with her. Just give me a little bit of my Maria to make me survive until that time.
I don't quite make much sense here because I omitted some crucial facts, but I need to expell this frustration in some way. What good does talking to strangers or friends do: they will offer their sympathy, but I'll be coming no closer to resolution.
What makes it so frustrating is that I need some rational reason for this situation to have occured in order for me to accept it even if it turns out to be a result that I do not want. Because one thing is clear: SHE LOVES ME or LOVED ME UNTIL VERY RECENTLY: nothing on my side happened that would cause her to feel differently.
I love her. So what's the fucking problem?
We are perfect for each other, people see it, I see it. We have what my friend Zenkili was say "compatible psychopathologies" (in describing a comparable beautiful love story, the one described in the film "the Secretary"): we are both messed up by having a crazy mother and a loving, tender father. But she's a woman and her mother was her first and most important Source of Positive Identification, so it has damaged her more.
I am aware I am looking for a "mother figure" in my life (although I beg she doesn't come in any way similar to my actual mother), and Maria needs a support she is not able to derive for herself. Having been abused by her mother (always criticised, never encouraged) this is what I believe is a source of her eternal "shame". That is her open wound. I am able to heal it, she is able to heal me.
When she was 20 or 21, in the aviation academy she met some Italian guy: the love of her life. He was going back to Italy, she decided to drop out (only the final exam left before she would get her pilot license) and go with him. She simply dissapeared from Venezuela: she did not say she's leaving TO ANYBODY. In the meantime, her father died of a second heart attack. The affair with the boyfriend did not come through. She stayed in Europe and has been in the Netherlands ever since.
What little she can say about all this before all of her red buttons go up in flames is that SHE HAS RUINED HER LIFE.
She followed her heart and needed to leave all the shit behind, how is that not perfectly clear to her? IT WAS THE ONLY RIGHT DECISION AT THE TIME. If she hadn't taken it, she would be regretting it to the rest of her life, torturing herself with "What if?" questions. "I killed my father", she will say.
Now, I am not religious but she is. If I am able to forgive myself for the sins of my past that I have done, and think of my deceised friends and relatives as some kind of "angels" watching out and trying to guide me in some way (the soul is eternal, this I believe), how come she is not? Her father loved her, he understood her, HE FORGAVE HER. WHY CAN'T SHE FORGIVE HERSELF? When will she stop flogging herself and dwelling on the past?
Her life ruined at the age of 33? Bullshit!!! And on some level she knows it too, because she checked herself into the clinic voluntarily: so she wants to help herself. "No, I gave up on my life." she will say.
And now in her life there's this guy typing all this crap here who would do anything for her, and she loves him. And what. It seems to be a problem, rather than a means for a solution.
Since recently she would have me believe she must not have sex with me, because she likes it too much and she needs to be thinking with a clear head for a change. OK, I say. Let's just be together, no sex then. "No, I can't", she says, "I know if I'm close to you I won't be able to resist you." DO YOU SEE HOW (NOT) FUCKED A SITUATION I AM FINDING MYSELF IN? It's not about sex, though. It's about a tough gordian neurotic knot that's chocking Maria.
Sometimes, when I go on talking too long (and loosing myself in too much details: one of my biggest shortcomings), she puts her hands together, looks to the sky and utters:
JESUS MINAE (DZEIZUS MINEE, that's how it sounds, in Croatian). "What have I done to deserve this?" I have changed my ways in more way than one to accommodate her better, in the meantime. Not much has changed, except that now it's me that's asking:
- WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
My text message to Maria, yesterday night read:
"Use me or abuse me, kiss me or hit me, fuck me or kill me. Just Be with Me."
But... I didn't specify that I need to understand the motivation behind it in order to accept it with grace.
For a desperate, hopeless guy I sure have plenty of hope when it comes to Maria. What good is life without her?
"What if this is AS GOOD AS IT GETS?", asked the character of Jack Nicholson in the famous movie. IT CANNOT BE. IF THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS, I REFUSE THAT REALITY. Fuck it. Fuck all.
I deserve to have a loving, caring relationship, start a family and finally have some kind of internal stability in my life. I've done a lot to improve myself over the years. "You are perfect for any normal girl", said Maria. She even wanted us to go out together where she would introduce me to some. ("My mission." she said) I couldn't not believe my ears. What kind of a woman loves the guys wants to find him somebody else? Well... pretty ab-normal one. Guess what: I'm pretty far from "normal" myself, and "normal" girls are either too boring for me or I'm too edgy for them.
I guess Maria and myself are our own worst enemies.
Thank you for reading (if you have). Do leave a comment please, anything will do.
|
