Ptitchitza u niskom letu

"When my phone doesn't ring, I'll know it's her"

It did rang once today shortly. I called instantly back and we spoke for half an hour.

It's killing me that I do not get an answer to where to I stand with Maria. Or what has provoked that break-up last week in the first place.

Speaking about it is somewhat frustrating. She never once said she doesn't love me or that she loves somebody else, but I get an impression that -- because she is leaving the Netherlands in several months -- she wants to protect herself from getting too emotionally involved on one hand, while on the other she's trying to "protect" me from her.

She keeps saying that "I don't know her", all the "bad things" she did in the last ten or so years, but I know her well enough. I see who she is NOW, and now is when we live, not ten years ago. The beautiful, caring, intelligent, tough, open, sincere Maria I do know is so special exactly because of all those experiences that she has had, so ultimately I don't even feel I need to know. (She keeps that part of her life carefully closed to me, saying that to whomever she told about has left her. Try me! I'd do anything for you, Maria. And if you're leaving in a few months, it's a win-win situation. Perhaps I'll prove myself special in one more way.)

And who know what future brings. 11 years ago I had a distant relationship with a German jazz singer who lives near Dortmund. It proved to be too much to maintain it, from Zagreb and we broke of sometime in the autumn of that year. Three months later I got a contract to work in the Hague, two hours drive away from her!

It cold in the NL, summer that has brought me Maria seems like ages ago, and yet I'm replaying it constantly in my mind. Never felt so lonely in my life.