Ptitchitza u niskom letu

Answering my own question

Here's me answering my own questions. I'm just back from leaving some flowers for Maria at her clinic, with a note. Maria was there, I was told by the receptionist but I did not want her to be called. If she refused to see me or accept the flowers, that would be yet another blow.

That "use me or abuse me" message I've sent to Maria yesterday is a pretty desperate. Far too desperate. If Maria is currently unable to define her feelings for me what choices do I have but to leave her at peace when that is what she wants. No pressuring however kind or pleading will change that. It's too easy for both of us to find some kind of an escapistic refuge in each other's embrace, and thinking back to some things she has said I think now that is what may be at the crux of this current situation. That is not a healthy base for a relationship. But, we have -- despite all the objective difficulties already built some bond, shared some beautiful moments, and I hope there will be an opportunity to convert that through this current stand-off into something lasting and harmounious, and less turbulent.

Maria is everything to me, but it would be wrong to channel all my feelings of self-worth and dedication through her. I need to finally resolve the mess at my apartment (it's been more than 4 bloody months!) and to make it home. If my current contractor is not able to do that, I need to find somebody else. It's not a home currently, and I seek not to be there witnessing the sorry state it currently is.

Also, I either need to arrange to go back to work or find some voluntary work that will keep me busy and keep my mind off Maria.

It was probably the worst possible moment for Maria and myself to meet, each being in the whirl of our own crisis. I need to find some patience now, focus on the things mentioned above and who knows -- clearing out these important issues in my life may well prove to be instrumental in securing a steadier basis for my hopeful future with Maria.

I just hope there will be SOME role (however passive or distant) for me in her life, wherever and however she chooses to live it.

I miss her so terribly much.