Infernal Supremacy

Infernal Supremacy

16.04.2009., četvrtak

I'm back! Po boktepitaj koji put...

Konacno uspjeh ulovit malo vremena (i sjetit se login i passworda...) da puknem novi post. Hope it'll make someone laugh

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Ulazi Mujo u kupe u vlaku. Nasuprot njega sjedi plavusa s dodatnom
opremom (minjak, dekolte...). Mujo bulji li ga bulji...
Komad skuzi da bulji te rasiri noge i pokaze mu muf. Muji ispale oci.
- Jel vam se svida? upita plavusa.
- Jes kako nebi. veli Mujo.
- Jel hocete da vam namigne? Rasiri noge i namigne mu s mufom.
Mujo u deliriu ne vjeruje svojim ocima.
Ponovo plavusa: - Hocete da vam posalje pusu?
Rasiri komad noge i posalje pusu!!!
Mujo skoro u nesvjesti.
- Zelite li sjesti pored mene?
I Mujo ustane i prebaci se na drugu stranu kupea i sjedne pored plavuse.
Plavusa ponovo:
- Zelite li gurniti dva prsta u nju?
Mujo prestravljen - MA BONA NEMOJ ME ZAJEBAVAT DA MOZE I FUCKATI?!?



Razgovaraju Hrvat i Svicarac.
- Ma kako to vi Svicarci imate ministra pomorstva, a nemate more?!
- Pa i vi imate ministra financija...



Kupili Cigan i Brad Pitt parcele iste veličine. Počne Brad graditi kuću, Cigo ga snima i počne graditi istu takvu. Stavi Brad fasadu, Cigo istu takvu. Brad posadi travu, sadi i Cigo. Stavio Brad kovanu ogradu, drugi dan i Cigo švajsa...

Poslije 6 mjeseci stoje dvije identične kuće s potpuno identičnom okućnicom.
Brad Pitt i Cigo se sretnu na ulici i Brad upita Cigu: "Čuj susjed, što ti misliš koliko bi vrijedile naše kuće kad bi ih sad prodali?"

Cigo odgovori: "Tvoja 300 , a moja 600 'iljade Eura!"

Brad: "A zašto, pa iste su??????"

Cigo: " Moja ima za susjeda Brad Pitta, a tvoja cigana..."



Bračanin popravljao krov na kući, pa se oklizne. Uhvativši se za oluk viče:
- Marooooo, nemoj stavljati meso u juhu, ja ću danas ručati u bolnici.



Mujo na baletu

Suljo: - Gdje si bio sinoć Mujo?
Mujo: - Ma vodili me na neki balet.
Suljo: - Šta ti je bolan to?
Mujo: - Ma skupi se raja, pa uleti jedna pravo luda ženska i nešto se k'o baca, pa bi da poleti, pa ne može. Najzad joj prileti neki kuronja, pa bi je jebo, pa ne bi, pa bi je jebo, pa ne bi, pa je najzad digne, pomiriše picu i baci.



Haso priznaje da je "gej"

Sjede Mujo i Haso na klupici u parku i razgovaraju ...
- Mujo je'l ti mogu nešto priznat ... ti si prijatelj ... ti ćeš me razumjet'?
- Ja jaaa ... reci!
- Mujo, ja sam gej!
- Ti gej?
- Jest, ja gej!
- Imaš li ti kakvo odjelo od Dalmanija, Dolche Cabana i to?
- Nemam!
- Nemaš! Reci mi ideš li na godišnji na Havaje?
- Ne idem!
- Ne ideš! A igraš li golf s ovim šminkerima i to?
- Ne igram ... što?
- Vozaš li Ferarija po Monte Carlu?
- Ne vozam ... što?
- E nisi ti Haso gej ... ti si, bolan, obična pederčina!



Mujo VS Ronaldinho

Igrala BiH protiv Brazila. Mujo glavni igrac BiH, a Ronaldinho Brazila.
U toku utakmice Mujo skrši Ronaldinha pred šesnaestercom i sudac svira faul. Golman Hasagić postavi živi zid i svi okrenuti prema Ronaldinhu samo Mujo prema Hasagiću.
Pita ga Hasagić:
- Mujo što si se prema meni okren'o?
- Ma ne bi ovaj gol propustio ni za milion maraka!



Mujo na aerodromu (stari ali dobar)

Četiri dana nakon 11.rujna, iz ruševina WTC-a izlazi Mujo, stresa prašinu sa sebe pa kaže:
- Jebo vas ´vaki aerodrom, da vas jebo!



Japanska tradicija

Priča Haso s jednim Japancem kad Japanac će njemu:
- Haso ajde da ti pokažem nešto tradicionalno iz Japana.
- Ajde može, Haso će njemu, a Japanac uhvati Hasu i prebije ga te ovaj završi u bolnici.
Oporavi se Haso od frke pa upita Japanca:
- Nego čovječe šta to bi?, a Japanac će njemu:
- To ti je bila tradicionalna japanska jiu-jitsa.
I tako nakon par dana dođe Japanac ponovo kod Hase i upita ga hoće li da mu pokaže još nešto iz Japana.
- Ma može, kaže njemu Haso, a Japanac ga opet isprebija.
Oporavi se Haso i od toga pa ga upita:
- Pa šta sad to bi?
- To ti je bio kung-fu, a Haso će:
- Ajde da ja tebi pokažem nešto tradicionalno japansko!
- Ajde Haso, boga ti, da vidim šta ti meni japansko možeš pokazat.
Kad budi se Japanac iz kome nakon mjesec dana i sav u čudu pita Hasu:
- Haso pa šta to bi?
- E vidiš, to ti je bila poluosovina od Toyote.



Stao čovjek na semaforu kada se svom brzinom u njega zaletio Haso.

Izlazi čovjek van, kreće prema Hasi otvori mu vrata od auta i kaže:

"Jebem ti mater seljačku, vidiš li što si učinio, jesi li ti uopće polagao vozački ispit!"

Haso mrtav hladan odgovori:

"Jesam pederu i to sigurno više puta nego ti."



Šetali pustinjom Srbin, Hrvat i Bosanac, kad naiđe lav.
Hrvat se prvi snađe i baci šaku pijeska lavu u oči i oni pobjegnu.

Idu oni dalje, kad opet naiđe lav. Sada Srbin poučen od Hrvata uzme šaku pijeska i isto baci lavu u oči i oni opet pobjegnu.

Idu dalje i naiđu na jedno drvo i odluče se odmoriti, kad odjednom, pojavi se čopor lavova.
Hrvat i Srbin pobjegnu na drvo, a Bosanac se izvali ležerno pod drvo.
Zovu ga Hrvat i Srbin da dođe gore jer će ga lavovi rastrgati, a na to će Bosanac:
"Boli mene kurac, nisam im ja bacao pijesak u oči".



Mlada majka dođe s novorođenim djetetom mesaru i reče: „ Vidi, to ti je od našeg „igranja". Što ćeš sada napraviti?"

Mesaru postane vruće, njegova žena nije imala pojma o njegovim „izletima".

Razmisli i dogovori se s djevojkom, da može svaki dan besplatno dobiti kod njega komad mesa, sve dok dijete ne napuni 18 godina.

Godine prolaze i mesar jedva dočeka dan kad mu je sin veselo rekao: „Danas je moj 18. rođendan!"

„Znam," sav sretan nasmije se mesar, „kad budeš majci dao meso, reci joj, da je to zadnje što je dobila besplatno i molim te, gledaj njen izraz lica."

Mladić dođe kući i kaže majci što mu je rekao mesar. Majka se slatko nasmije i reče:

„Sine, molim te, vrati se mesaru. Reci mu, da sam zadnjih 18 godina besplatno dobivala meso, kruh, mlijeko, voće, povrće i sve ostale potrepštine, pa te molim, pažljivo gledaj njegov izraz lica!"




After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



Dođe plavuša kod ginekologa na test trudnoće.
Vraća se ginekolog nakon pregleda ženi i kaže:
- Čestitam trudni ste!
- Žena prestrašeno upita:
- A jel beba Hrvat ili Slovenac?
- Pa, gospođo, muž vam je Hrvat...
- Znam, ali je u zadnje vrijeme stalno govorio da mu je pun kurac Slovenaca...



Lep sončen dan, Ljubljana, ženski glas se širi čez dvorišče...

"Safeteeee, evo opet te na mobilni zove neki Low Battery!!! Već četvrti put!!"



On Vatican Church notice board and Press Release:

"Be all Women informed that lying in bed, naked entangled with somebody and screaming:

*Oh my God *
*Oh my God *
*Oh my God *

will not be considered PRAYING"



Rečenica ohrabrenja
U Hrvatskoj ništa nije uspjelo pa neće ni kriza :)))))))))))))))))))))

NJEZINA MOLITVA:

Oče naš, prije nego zaspim,
reći ću ti što si želim.

Daj mi prijatnog muža,
da mi uvijek užitke pruža,
koji komplimente rado dijeli,
da bude samo moj cijeli.

Koji će na rukama nositi me,
mog rođendana sjetiti se,
na moju želju seksati se,
ljubiti me kao prvi dan,
masirati mi tabane, dlan.

Koji će uvijek nježan biti,
ništa od mene neće kriti,
koji će biti razuma bistroga,
čim prije, molim Te, pošalji ga.
Amen.

NJEGOVA MOLITVA:

Dragi Bože, pošalji mi
jednu gluhonijemu nimfomanku,
koja ima trgovinu alkoholnim pićima
i godišnju kartu za stadion.

I boli me briga,
ako je moja molitva bez rime!



- Draga mama! - piše Fata. Mi smo dobro. Bili smo u subotu na vašaru u Doboju.
Kad smo se vraćali napali nas neki mangupi.Muju pretukli, a mene silovali.

Za tjedan dana opet piše Fata:
- Draga mama, mi smo dobro. Bili smo u subotu na vašaru u Tesliću.
Kad smo se vraćali, napali nas neki mangupi. Muju pretukli, a mene silovali.

Za tjedan dana opet piše Fata:
- Draga mama, mi smo dobro. U subotu je vašar u Bihaću. Ja bi išla a Mujo se nećka.



Mali Perica pita svoju učiteljicu li može razgovarati s njom poslije sata.
Ona prihvati.
Učiteljica: Onda, šta želiš da mi kažeš, Perice?
Perica: Mislim da sam previše pametan za ovaj razred, dosadjujem se. Želio bih preći direktno u Gimnaziju.
Obavješten je i direktor, koji upita Pericu želi li prije konačne odluke proći testiranje. Perica prihvati bez oklijevanja i direktor poče sa testom.
Direktor: Hajde, Perice, da vidimo, 3 x 4?
Perica: 12!
Direktor: A 6 x 6?
Perica: 36, gospodine direktore.
Direktor: Glavni grad Japana?
Perica: Tokio.
Test se nastavlja slijedećih pola sata. Perica nijednom ne pogriješi!
Na kraju testa, direktor je zadovoljan, ali učiteljica upita može li ona sada postaviti nekoliko pitanja. Obojica pristaju i ona počinje.
Učiteljica: Dobro, Perice. Krava ih ima 4, a ja ih imam 2, što je to?
Perica: Noge, gospodjo.
Učiteljica: Točno. Što sse nalazi u tvojim hlaćana, a u mojim ih nema?
Direktora iznenadi pitanje...
Perica: Džepovi, gospodjo.
Učiteljica: Dobro, Perice. Gdje žene imaju najkovrdžavije dlake?
Direktor se sprema umiješati kada Perica odgovori: U Africi, gospodjo.
Učiteljica: Što je meko, ali, na rukama žene, postane tvrdo?
Direktor razrogači oči, ali Perica odgovora.
Perica: Lak za nokte, gospodjo.
Uciteljica: Što muškarci i mi žene imamo u sredinu nogu?
Perica: Koljena!
Uciteljica: Dobro. A što udata žena ima šire od neudate?
Direktor ne može verovati svojim ušima!
Perica: Krevet, gospodjo.
Učiteljica: Koji dio mog tjela je često najvlažniji?
Perica: Vaš jezik, gospodjo.
Ucčteljica: Koja reč počinje slovom "p" a označava nešto što može biti vlažno ili suho i što muškarci vole gledati?
Perica: Put!
Direktor, bez daha, sav mokar od znoja, odluči prekinuti test i uzviknu: Neću te poslati u gimnaziju, već direktno na fakultet! Čak bih i ja odgovorio pogrešno na sva pitanja iz testa...

Naravoučenije: Čovjek S GODINAMA postaje PERVERZAN!



10 DALMATINSKIH ZAPOVIDI

1. Covik se rodi umoran i zivi da se odmori
2. Jubi posteju svoju ka samog sebe
3. Odmaraj se danju da mores nocu spavat
4. Ne radi! - Rad ubija
5. Kad vidis nekoga da se odmara, pomozi mu
6. Ne cini danas ono sto mozes sutra
7. Radi manje nego mozes, a ono ca mozes prebaci na drugog
8. U ladu je spas! - Od odmaranja jos niko nije umra
9. Rad donosi bolest! - Ne umri mlad
10. Kad pozelis radit, sidni, pricekaj, vidit ces da ce te proc


10 ZAGORSKIH ZAPOVEDI

1. Tuzi bliznjeg suseda da on ne bi tebe
2. Ak' susedu crkne krava, ti moras ubit dve da bi bil boljsi od njega
3. Sto cesce podvaljuj pajdasu svom, nek mu se smije cela birtija
4. Klet ti je jedina crkva gde se spominjes imena Boga svoga uzalud
5. Treniraj s'aki dan sto vise da bi se uspel vise put na dan napit i otreznit
6. Tvoje je vino najbolje u celom Zagorju
7. Ljubi trseka svog i kumu Baru ispod njega vise neg samog sebe
8. S'aki Zagorec mora bit dobar pajdas, muzikas i trinkas
9. Seti se covek da je Zagorec najpametnejsi na svetu i nema pametnijeg od njega
10. Nikad nemoj priznat da si Zagorec jer buju sve odmah znali o tebi


10 HERCEGOVACKIH ZAPOVIJEDI

1. Tko tebe kruhom ti njega kamenom
2. Ako smo bez obraza nismo bez protekcija
3. Il' ja tebe il' niko nikoga
4. Zajebi bliznjeg svoga
5. Budi dobar sa svima dok ih trebas
6. Ako je sramota bit Hercegovac, nije grijeh
7. Ne gubi nadu dok te ne procitaju
8. Ako se ne znas uvuci (u dupe :), nisi nas
9. Okreni se kako vjetar puse
10. (Ako otkrijes tko je ovo napisao pojest ce te mrak!)



Veoma često, oni koji rade, pitaju nas penzionere kako trošimo naše vrijeme i što radimo.
Pitanje veoma interesantno...

Eto, na primjer, neki smo dan žena i ja otišli u grad i ušli u jednu trgovinu. Razgledali smo robu i kupili neke sitnice.
Nakon pet minuta smo izašli i pred trgovinom smo našli policajca , koji je zapisivao u svoj notes prijavu za krivo parkiranje. Približili smo mu se i ja sam rekao:
„Zar ne bi mogli imati malo više poštovanja prema starijima, pa jednom spregledali da ih kaznite?“
Onaj nas tip nije udostojio niti jednog pogleda i nastavio mirno pisati prijavu.
Tada sam mu rekao da je „Nacističko govno“
Na to je policajac podigao pogled i oštro me gledao trenutak i odmah nakon toga počeo pisati drugu prijavu za izlizane gume. Na to mu je moja žena rekla, da je „Usrano kopile“. Tip je mirno drugu prijavu pridružio prvoj ispod brisača stakla i nastavio pisati treću prijavu. To je potrajalo dvadesetak minuta, što je on više pisao to smo ga mi više vrijeđali i obratno... što na kraju, na personalnom nivou, nema nikakve veze i nas se to ništa nije ticalo. Naime, mi smo u grad došli autobusom!!!!

Eto vidite, od kada smo u penziji pokušavamo se malo razonoditi i zabaviti... to je nama veoma važno u tim godinama.



OVCE, pardon, OVNICE:
Kurčevite su i nametljive. Vole izražavati svoje mišljenje i jao si ga
onome tko proturječi. Jebo budalu koja se ide svađati s njima, ne štede ni
boga ni vraga a kasnije liju suze jer uvijek pretjeraju. Al' ne bi
priznale da su u krivu, a neeeeee... Otvorene su i nemaju problema sa
izražavanjem simpatija. S ovnicom nema dileme: ako ju možeš odvesti u
krevet, znat ćeš to. Ako ne možeš, kidaj prije nego što to sazna i ostatak
lokala. U krevetu su vrlo strastvene, vole dominirati, gristi, grebati.
Znadu biti dosta ljubomorne, ali ne prgavo nego meko, onako malo prosuziti
i tužno gledati. Ovnice su najčešće fenomenalne u krevetu, bez obzira na
dob i iskustvo, jer se znadu prepustiti. Ako ste ovnica, pošaljite mi
sliku i broj moba. Mail je gore u lijevom kutu.

KRAVE, pardon, BIKICE:
Ok.... Činjenica prva: vole novac. Je, i ja sam konformist, ali
daaaaaaaj... Dve životne želje bikice: bogat muž i čopor djece. Ako vodim
bikicu doma, trpam na sebe dva kondoma i svejedno svršavam van nje, a
zatim brzinom munje kidam u kupaonicu jer ako se dočepa uzorka... Bikice
vole udobnost, kožna sjedala, kožne fotelje, debele tepihe, skupe poklone.
U krevetu su nekak' mlake, mislim dobre ali fali tu vatre. Najdraža poza
im je misionarska jer se tako osjećaju voljeno. Vole uživati u stvarima i
imaju dobar ukus. Nemojte sumnjati, idealne su supruge, pouzdane,
zaštitnički nastrojene prema obitelji. Ali, jebote, drži ju dalje od
kartica...


DUPLIĆKE, pardon, BLIZANČICE
E, da, duplićke... Najbolji ulet za duplićku: pojavim se odjeven kao
klaun, žonglirajući motornom pilom, mačkom, kantom vode i njezinom bakom.
Duplićke vole originalnost i jako cijene vizualni dojam. Moram izgledati
jebeno i imati predobar ulet da im privučem pažnju, a zatim brzo ispasti i
pametan da tu pažnju zadržim. Duplićke vole detalje, i primjećuju stvari
koje mi ostali smrtnici ne primjećujemo. Duplićke su snalažljive i u
pravilu dosta inteligentne, cijene malo rafiniraniji pristup. S druge
strane, grozno su nestalne i lako se zasite jedne osobe. U krevetu su ni
vrit ni mimo, kako im se dade. Vole kinky igrice

RAKOVICE iliti RAČICE
Unatoč oklopu, račice su meke i podatne. Nježne, nesigurne, blage. Kad
popizde, to je isforsirano, više zato jer misle da trebaju napraviti scenu
nego zato što se zbilja žele svađati. Račice vole romantiku, vole dodire,
šaputanje, zavođenje. Izrazito su privržene i teško se pomire s
odjebavanjem. Račice su opasne ako želite neobavezni seks jer će se
emotivno vezati uz vas čim stignete do skidanja grudnjaka i bit će suza
kada shvate da niste baš zainteresirani za onu romantičnu komediju sutra
navečer na RTL-u... U krevetu vole nježnost, polagan seks, a ako se i
odvaže na malo agresive, to je više zbog partnera nego zbog sebe. Račice
su nesputane romantičarke, vrlo senzibilne i lako ih je povrijediti.

KRALJICE, preciznije, LAVICE
Lavice su jedine žene koje mogu u svaku rečenicu ubaciti barem tri "ja".
Egocentrične, bahate, i uvijek u centru pažnje. Mislim, nije to mana,
lijepo je biti popularan; ali lavice idu iz krajnosti u krajnost da budu
glavna zvijezda večeri. Ja ne zavodim lavicu - lavica zavodi mene. U
pravilu, približe ti se kao da su vlasnice lokala i čude se što ih ne
poznaš. Lavice preferiraju muškarce kojima se može zapovijedati. Najlakši
način da ju pridobijete je da ju otvoreno obožavate. U krevetu su u
pravilu ništ' posebno, očekuju zadovoljstvo kao svoje bogom dano pravo i
nisu baš darežljive na blowjobovima ili masaži partnera.

VJEČNE JUNFERICE oliti DJEVICE
E sad, prvi problem je naći djevicu. Ne zajebavam se. Djevice su
neprimjetne, skromne, samozatajne curićke koje se obično drže svog čopora
frendica k'o Viktor zida kad u tri ujutro ide rigati votku. Djevice vole
umjerenost: smirene, tihe jebače koji će ih zavoditi polako i s
poštovanjem. Viktorijanske dame. Nećeš ju ševiti na prvom spoju taman
umirala od muke za time. Djevice su tip cura koje vole cvijeće, plesnjake,
večerice kod roditelja itd. Umjerene su, pronicave i odlične prijateljice,
uvijek se možeš osloniti na njih. Ali, ako želiš imati one night stand sa
djevicom, radije idi doma drkati na Severinin pornić. Nema tu kruha.

SELEKTIVKE ili VAGE
E sad... Vagama je prvi dojam zlatno pravilo. Vage su suptilne i
ljubitelji su finesa - morate ih jako dobro čitati ako želite nešto
postići s njima. Vage su veliki ljubitelji lijepog i umjetnosti, ali su
također i vrlo selektivne. Ili im pašete, ili ne. Vage pomno biraju svoje
društvo, svoje prijatelje, lokale u kojima vise subotom... Vage su rado
viđene, društvo ih brzo prihvati, vole koketirati i općenito su fatalne za
muškarce jer je teško odoljeti njihovom šarmu. Cijene jebače sa stilom
koji brzo reagiraju i pogode svaki njezin prohtjev. U krevetu... Ma ne
znam, svakakve su. Mogu biti odlične ili mrtva puhala.

ZATVORENE oli ŠKORPIONKE
Prvo i osnovno: škorpionke su destruktivne emotivke, samo svojim
obrambenim mehanizmima itekako prikrivaju tu činjenicu. Ne vjerujete?
Probajte škorpionki reći da je bilo zabavno ali sad ju molite da ode doma
jer imate posla, i to u subotu u pola četiri ujutro, pa ako preživite
recite mi dal' mi vjerujete. Propocionalno tome koliko se osjeti
povrijeđenom, škorpionka će vas otrovno pogledati, sasuti uvrede, pokopati
vam oči, ili baciti kiselinu na maloga. One su prejebeno strastvene,
odlične u krevetu, fakat luđakinje, ali nemoj ni u jednom trenutku
pomisliti da ti vodiš igru. Škorpionka mora imati glavnu riječ i točka.
Ako želiš igru po svojim pravilima, pripremi se za makijavelističke
manipulacije jer jebo me pas ako ta bude popustila. Škorpionka je idealna
za brzu ševu, ako je zainteresirana i ako igraš čistu igru. Pokušaj se
igrati njezinim emocijama, i nosit će tvoje testise kao naušnice. Ili, ako
si jači, uništit će i sebe samo da ti napakosti. Oprezno u svakom slučaju.

OPIČENA iliti STRIJELČICA
Ako su škorpionke lude na loš način, onda su strijelčice lude na dobar.
Impulzivne, vesele, uvijek raspoložene za zajebanciju, one su apsolutno
najbolje društvo za zabavu. Uvijek su iskrene, vrckave, vrlo inteligentne
i neće odbiti ništa što barem jednom nisu probale. Vole eksperimentirati.
Imaju izvrstan smisao za humor i cijene kvalitetne viceve. Najlakše ih je
zavesti ako im se ponudi izazov, nešto novo što još nisu iskusile. U
krevetu su izrazito maštovite i ne libe se ničega.

KOZA ili JARČICA
Konzerva bi bio bolji naziv. Sa jarčicom sve mora biti po školskom
udžbeniku. Imaju neke svoje stroge rituale, pravila i prohtjeve i mimo
njih ne ide pa ne ide. Tradicionalisti. Najbolji ulet jarčici - napiši joj
zamolbu za ševu, ovjerenu i u tri primjerka. Što se zavođenja tiče, mama
joj je rekla da se ne smije ševiti sa zgodnim dečkima prije nego što ih
dovede doma da ih roditelji upoznaju. Prije ćeš zbariti djevicu nego
jarčicu. Ako ti nekim čudom i uspije, nije vrijedno truda. Da bi se
jarčica odvalila u krevetu, trebaju mjeseci truda, uspostavljanja
povjerenja i ustanovljivanja zajedničkih navika. Kao društvo, vrlo su
ugodne i drage osobe, uvijek spremne pomoći. Pogotovo oko prijave poreza.

POMAKNUTE oli VODENJAKINJE
Yep, pomaknute. Vodenjakinju ćete vrlo brzo uočiti ako imate dobar vid -
samo obratite pažnju na najkričavije obučenu osobu u prostoriji.
Vodenjakinje imaju sjeban ukus u svemu, od glazbe do hrane i oblačenja.
Prosječno ili uobičajeno nije za njih. Želiš vodenjakinju u krevetu? Vozi
monocikl svirajući neki kurac od Bloc Paryja i tvoje su. Nemojte ih nikada
podcijeniti - pronicljive su i inteligentne. Jednostavno moraš biti čudak
da ih privučeš. U krevetu vole mirisne štapiće i, ovaj, malo egzotičnije
poze. Naručite maserku za ujutro.

SOMICE iliti RIBE
Ribe? Ribe. Najlakše prepoznaš ribu ako joj kažeš nešto slatko a ona
razvuče onaj blesavi osmjeh i sanjivi pogled srne na nišanu snajpera. Ribe
sve određujuprema tome kako im se sprdi, tj. prema osjećajima. Da li ćete
je moći zavesti ovisi o tome kako se osjeća taj dan. Što je najvažnije?
Izgledaj nevino poput malog Isusa, toplo, prijateljski... Tri deci Jim
Beama bi bilo dovoljno za željeni izgled. Šapući im na uho, budi mekan i
topao, i tvoje su. Također, nisu baš najbolji izbor za brzu ševu jer ih je
relativno lako osvojiti ali će te optužujući pogled progoniti tjednima. U
krevetu su kao i račice, nježne i vole polako.

Ako vam vaš horoskop ne paše... Koji kurac čitate horoskope ako znate da
nisu istiniti!



Kako usrećiti

vlastitu

ženu??

Da bi vaša žena

bila zadovoljna

Dovoljno je samo

da budete njen:

1. prijatelj

2. drug

3. ljubavnik

4. brat

5. otac

6. učitelj

7. instruktor

8. kuhar

9. stolar

10. vodoinstalater

11. mehaničar

12. dizajner

13. kreator

14. seksolog

15. ginekolog

17. babica

16. psiholog

18. psihijatar

19. terapeut

21. organiziran

22. dobar otac

23. veoma čist

24. simpatičan

25. atleta

26. osjećajan

27. pažljiv

28. džentlmen

29. inteligentan

30. sanjar

31. kreativan

32. mio

33. jak

34. pun razumijevanja

35. tolerantan

36. oprezan

37. ambiciozan

38. uspješan

39. hrabar

40. odlučan

41. povjerljiv

42. poštovan

43. strastan

44. ljubazan

45. sklon kupovinama

46. nesklon pravljenju problema

47.veoma bogat

48. nezahtjevan

49. onaj što ne gleda druge

također

morate

voditi računa

o tome da:

50. ...ne budete ljubomoran

(ali ne i nezainteresiran)

51. ...se slažete sa njenom familijom

(ali ne previše )

52. ...joj ne ograničavate slobodu

(ali se ipak zanimate gdje to i sa kime izlazi)

Također,

veoma je

važno:

53. Da ne zaboravljate na značajne

datume:

(vjenčanje, zaruke, prvi susret...)

- godišnjice mature

- imendane

- menstruacije

Nažalost, čak i ako bezuvjetno prihvatite ove instrukcije, to vam neće biti dovoljna garancija da će ona biti 100% sretna, jer bi se mogla osjećati prikraćena životom u jednoj tako zagušujućoj bračnoj perfekciji i zbrisati sa prvim kurvinim sinom, boemčinom, pijandurom ili folirantom na koga naiđe.

Kako usrećiti

jednog

muškarca?


1. Daj mu!!!
2. Daj mu kad god želi!!!

3. Daj mu i ako ne želi!!!



Došao Mujo u Amsterdam i vidio prostitutku u izlogu pa prišao, pokucao na staklo i pita:
- Koliko košta?
- 50 eura - odgovara prostitutka.
- Pa nije mnogo, jel to duplo staklo???



Došli Srbin, Crnogorac i Bosanac na kolodvor malo ranije, pa skoknuli "na po jednu". Međutim, zarakijali se, pa skoro zakasnili. Kad su istrčali na peron - vlak već krenuo.

Njih trojica potrče za vlakom, i naravno, Crnogorac prvi odustane.
Srbin trči još malo, pa i on stane.
Ali Bosanac se zainatio, trči sve jače i jače, pruži ruku, dohvati vrata i uleti u vlak.

Ova dvojica što su ostala na peronu zadihani i u čudu gledaju prizor, pa Crnogorac reče:

"Viđe avetinje što uradi, a samo je doš'o da nas isprati"



Sjede u vagonu: Kinez, Amer, Bosanac i Nijemac.

Odjednom ustane Kinez i baci kroz prozor kosaru punu rize.

Amerikanac ga pogleda i zacudjeno pita:
- Zasto si bacio rizu, pa steta je...
- Ma, u Kini imamo rize k'o pijeska - veli Kinez.

Malo kasnije, ustane Amer i baci svezanj dolara kroz prozor. Nijemac se
prenerazi i pita:
- Zasto baci dolare van?
- Pa, mi u Americi imamo dolara ko u prici - veli Amerikanac.

Sjede oni dalje tako, nato Nijemac pogleda Bosanca, a Bosanac ce brzo:
- Nemoj da ti slucajno padne na pamet!



Skršio se Cigo s kolima, jedva živ ostao, sakupili ga u djelovima i unose u hitnu.
Pogleda ga dežurni doktor i prodere se:
- Sestro, instrumente!!!
A Cigo će:
- Pa gde sad ovakav da Ti sviram doktore, ljubim ti karakter?!



Sumnja Mujo da ga Fata vara i naruci detektiva. Posto nije imao dovoljno
para, uzme najjeftinijeg... Kineza. Nakon par dana dobije pismo:

Most honorable sir!
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss
she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play
with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee*



Poslije pogreba, svi dolaze na karmine ožalošćenom udovcu.

Samo što su sjeli za stol, vani počne strašno nevrijeme sa munjama, grmljavinom i gromovima.

Udovac kaže: "Evo, upravo je stigla gore"
- 22:50 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

01.02.2007., četvrtak

I'm back!

Imah nešto problema pa ne mogah na svoj ni druge blogove (za slučaj da se neko pito zašto ne postam nit komentiram).


A Chicken Cake Recipe
=====================

Tender Chicken 1
Banana 1
Legs 2
Nuts 2
Breasts 2
Cherry 1

Take tender chicken in your arms. Take two handful of breasts and hold gently.

Take two legs, spread apart. Drop in banana.

Stir until good and hot. Increase motion until banana creams, cherry pops,
and nuts explode.

If cake rises, leave town.



Quotes
======

Vi..ra (pills against impotency) is the work of the Devil. Now we girls can
look forward to having sex with really old guys, for a really long time. I
can see it now. He's screaming, 'Who's your granddaddy, who's your
granddaddy? I can't remember. What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?'"
-- Le Maire

My aunt asked me, 'You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?'
I said: 'No, I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army.'
-- Bob Smith

I hate marriage counselors! This is the biggest scam in the world. Someone
figured out a way that women can do the things they love best at the same
time: talk and spend money!
-- Damon Wayans



Educational
===========


Consider the similarities between Santa Claus and UNIX administrators:
- Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
- When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted
are infinitesimal.
- Santa seldom answers your mail.
- When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he has, he says:
"Elves make it for me."
- Santa does not care about your deadlines.
- Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves.
- Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
- Santa laughs entirely too much.
- Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
- Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.



One of the oldest educational stories out there (on the Internet):

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One
day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the
farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he
had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new Z23- series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he had time to save his friends's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny beemer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid
of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a
moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingie" and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him out, saving his life.

Moral: When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.



Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly decided to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a
barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and
crapped on the little sparrow.

The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted
his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat
came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

Morals of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep
your mouth shut.





Historycal
==========


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women!", she charged.

"You're being unreasonable", Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
Earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by
someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?", Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs.", said Eve.





Joke box
========


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him
about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me", he
said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?", he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"GOOD", shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T!"



Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther: "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got
pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob: "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says: "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."



A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely
restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and
still is.

The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years,
but there is something I have been meaning to ask you."

"Yes, dear, anything you want", replies the wife.

"Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been
married for so long nothing can change that."

Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.

"I have been unfaithful three times", she says. "Remember when you were
going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of
the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the
bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first
time."

"I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself
to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?", he asks.

"The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special
surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?", she said.

"Again, I am shocked, but I love you even more because you did it for me.
You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time."

"Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes
short...?"



At the nursery, the sales clerk said,

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We don't carry
them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted geranium?"

"No", replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my wife
told
me to water while she was gone."



Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and
he discovers that she has crabs.

The doctor thinks to himself, "How am I going to tell the senator that she
has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.
Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.

He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says, "What?"

He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs
in your oval office!"



Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he
could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about
his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at
the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and
nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and
crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension
appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She
committed suicide!"



She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, $150.00 for a cut and color,
$30.00 for a manicure, $40.00 for a pedicure, $50.00 on vitamins, $300.00
on clothes and $600.00 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it
to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back...



The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?", asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time."

"Hon", I suggested, "Why don't you try carrying several things at
once?"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied: "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get
my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."



- I can't believe how boring my life has become.

- What do you mean?

- The only time I hear myself say "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell
my cat I'm getting her food ready...



Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a
Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big
residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird
would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of
their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but
both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the
house, and very precisely the parrot spoke: "black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up:
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she
recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear
under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and
proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his
perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said:

"Straight, Straight, Curly!"



There was this construction worker on the third floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it
himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for
him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a
sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I"), then pointed at his knees
(meaning "need") and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement
of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the third floor got ticked-off and ran down to the ground and
started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed
a hand saw!"

The other guy replied: "I know. I was trying to tell you that I was coming."



Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are walking down the street and on the
way pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes, I am."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medication for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, sclerosis?"

The pharmacist says: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Then how about /1A6RA?"

Pharmacist: "That, too."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems? Arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety - the works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol and antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely! All that."

Jacob: "And do you sell wheelchairs and walkers, too?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Good; we'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts. We're getting married."



The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed", she declared, "just as I do at the
dinner
table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets.

"Is that better?", he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes", replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling", the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind
as
to please pass the pussy?"



A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature,
had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had
never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his overly
cautious, slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore", she told him. "Let's play a game. For every
5
miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of
clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark,
so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra
and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and
traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost
control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a
tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to
pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help", he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!", she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to use this to cover up", he told her as he tossed the shoe.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he
pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies:
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."



"The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist", reported the girl.

"You mean literally? Whips and that sort of thing?", asked her roommate.

"Worst than that! The creep screwed me with a four inch penis and then
French kissed me good bye with an eight inch tongue!"



A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."

"Damn!", says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast!", says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!", laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."



A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about
condoms. She answered:

"Well, that depends on what's in it for me."



Three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, decide to
join a particular church. All three couples approach the priest and tell
him of their wishes.

"Of course we would love to have you all as new members!" He adds:
"However, first you must all prove your devotion to G~d by abstaining from
sex for one week."

All of the couples agree to these terms and go home.

The next Sunday the priest approaches them.

"So", he says to the elderly couple, "How did it go?"

The man answers, "It was a cakewalk!"

The priest congratulates them and asks the same question of the middle-aged
couple.

"Well, I can't say that it was easy, I've had to sleep on the sofa these
last few nights, but we made it!"

The priest congratulates the couple and turns to the newlyweds.

"So", he asks, "how did you guys fare?"

"Well the first night wasn't too bad, I slept with my back to her, the
second night I had to go sleep on the couch, on the third I slept in my car
and the on the fourth I stayed at the office. But on the day of the fifth,
I was watching my wife get a can of peaches off the top shelf and her legs
looked so good, then she dropped the can and when she bent over to get it,
it was more than i could take. I lifted her skirt and banged her right then
and there!"

"Well, son, while I can completely sympathize with you, I am afraid you are
no longer welcome here."

"Yeah, that's exactly what the manager at that grocery store told me!", the
man replied.



Isaac was sitting at a table in his favorite restaurant when he called over
his waiter.

"Yes?", asked the busy waiter.

"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?", asked Isaac.

"Why do you ask?", replied the waiter.

"Because, I was expecting a much older man by now", replied Isaac.



The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who
could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old
physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and
told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which
if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had
to do to be cured, was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at
length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the
situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a
single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see
with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having
sex."

"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom
she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause one voice asked: "And the fourth condition?"

The Pope replied: "Big tits."



A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls it out again and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a
rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He
repeats the procedure. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the
man and says, "Three times you've sneezed,and three times you've removed
your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and replies, "Pepper."



A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,

"DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and IIII'm tired
of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all
the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?"

The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says,

"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had
sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She
liked it better with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want
you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!"



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you both to the electric chair."



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- 01:05 - Komentari (3) - Isprintaj - #

01.11.2006., srijeda

?

Nakon puno ne pisanja, evo me opet...

Oldies, goldies,... ya know
===========================
This first one is as old as Bible... and one of my all-time favourites:

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the
hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean...", she whispers, "I would do... **anything**!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Yes,... anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... errrr... study?"



A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was
explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her: "I'll install a
special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will
be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw
a little,... and the wrinkles will disappear!"
The woman was enthused and told the doctor to: "GO FOR IT!"
The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.
A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She
pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes!
Where the hell did they come from?"
The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't BAGS under your
eyes. Those are your BREASTS. And if you keep messing around with that
screw,... pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"



An attractive young woman was waiting at a crowded city bus stop. She was
decked out in a rather tight skirt with matching boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up, and it became her turn to get on, she realized that
her skirt was too tight to allow her to make the first step on the bus.
So, slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little thinking that this would give her enough slack to get her leg up to
the first step. Again she tried but the skirt was still too tight.
Even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her
skirt a little more. For a second time she attempted the step, and once
again just couldn't get her foot that high.
It was just as she was reaching behind her a third time that this big Texan
right behind her picked her up from the waist and placed her lightly on the
step.
Well, she was not happy to be man-handled and turned on the would-be hero,
"You have no right to touch me, mister! I don't even know you!"
At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my pants three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."



A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower
shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She
sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no
reason."
The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal? Don't you like
getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure... but I just don't feel like spending the next
3 days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"



President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews
know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression 'Vus titzuch?'"
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"
"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression
which roughly translates to 'what's happening'. They just ask each other
and they know everything."
The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is
true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black
coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in
an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and
whispers, "Vus titzuch?
The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."



This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the
ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says,
"Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into
his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done right", says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her
own family, she ain't good enough for ours."



Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of certain
blue pills pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognizes the
possibilities and approaches his daddy:
"Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100
Dollars straight."
"Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health
and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask grandpa."
So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather:
"Gramps, I will sell you this package of Vi~gra (blue pills) for 100
dollars."
"Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?"
"Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!"
"Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give
you the money tomorrow."
The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over
$500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed:
"But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 dollars!"
"That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from grandma!"



Joke box
========
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine?

"Hi! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are
too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love'.
Beep."

"Uh, yeah... This is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive,
your test is back. Stop sharing the love..."

(Note: VD = Venereal Disease)



A man walks into a and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit
to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions
once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"Yes, I did."
"And... where did he go?"
"Errr... Over to your house..."



A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?", he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name MARY LOU
on it", she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MARY LOU was the name of one of
the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on", he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in
his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
She says: "Your horse phoned."



An American, a British and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says: "In the States our
glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."
The Brit, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says:
"In Britain, we have so much sand to make the glasses, that we don't need
to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit.
He says: "In Baghdad, we have so many Americans and Brits, that we don't
need to drink with the same ones twice."



Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the
inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them
possessed incredibly long, oversized male members.
"How do you account for this?", he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir", the older one replied.
"I see", said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason
for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have them!"
"I know, sir", replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when
it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."



There was a traveling salesman whose car broke down on a lonely country
road. It took a couple hours to make it to the nearest farm house, and by
then it was completely dark.
He knocked on the door and when an old farmer answered the salesman pleaded
for a place to spend the night.
"Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk", said the hospitable
old man. "But, I ain't got no good looking daughter like ya always hear
about in them jokes."
"Oh", said the salesman. "Can you tell me how far is it to the next
house?"



When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks
his johnson had grown to nearly twenty inches in length. Ralph became quite
concerned.
He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went
to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be
corrected through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the surprised doctor.
"Well", said the wife coldly, "you ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's
legs, aren't you?!?"



The wife confronted her husband at the dinner table.
"Henry, I'm pretty sure you're cheating on me.
I think I know with whom;
I'm not real sure when or where;
but I definitely don't know with what."



Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
line up in a straight row, totally naked, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos: as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew
off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and
bent over to pick it up.
Then, all the other bells started to ring....



Joey's teacher sent a note home to his mother saying: "Joey seems to be a
very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father."



A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate
needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a V*agra
tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know the V-Pill worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull out your tooth."



An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very
happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that, in
order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in
the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex
wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the
staircase and said: "I was coming to die."
She laughed and replied: "I was just coming down to kill you!"



Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a
hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25
year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...



Štedio Milan Bandić za stan. Godinama odvajao euro po euro. Ukazala se prilika za novi stan, a Milanu nedostaju još 2 eura.
Ne želeći propustiti priliku, počne šetati po sobi kao profesor Baltazar. I sjeti se!
Nazove brata u Njemačku:
«Halo, Dragane, ovdje Milan. Slušaj, kupujem stan, trebaju mi 2 eura.»
Brat Dragan, u prvi čas malo zbunjen, brzo se snašao:
«Ej, šaljem ti 4, pa kupi i meni jedan.»



Imam veliki problem i molim Vas za iskreni savjet.
Već pola godine žena mi se čudno ponaša.
Kad god je u mom društvu, šapće dok razgovara mobilnim telefonom,
primljene poruke odmah briše i ne dozvoljava mi da ih čitam.
Kad izađe u grad, vraća se kasno i kaze mi da
je bila sa prijateljicama koje ja ne poznajem.
Ne koristi svoj auto, vec uzima taksi.
Na povratku kući, navodni taksist je ne ostavlja ispred zgrade,
već 100 metara niže niz ulicu.
Pošto mi je to postalo sumnjivo,
odlučio sam da se sam uvjerim da li se radi o taksiju,
ili je netko drugi dovozi kući.
Smislio sam genijalnu ideju da parkiram svoj auto
u blizini mjesta gdje obično izlazi iz "taksija"
i skriven iza njih, sam se uvjerim u to.
Jedne noći dok sam tako čučao skriven iza auta,
primijetio sam da mi se pojavila korozija na zadnjem desnom blatobranu.
Dakle, treba mi Vas savjet:
da li da zamijenim kompletan blatobran novim,
ili je dovoljno da sastružem koroziju,
premažem blatobran špric kitom i sve to fino prelakiram.
Unaprijed zahvalan!
Mah-mah



(Zavjesa se dize, radnja fabule nedje oko Bosanske Dubice)

ROMEO : (polupijan ispod njenog prozora)
Hajd' bona silazi, ne pravi se luda!
JULIJA: (pospana, bezvoljna, nikakva)
Ako ti moj stari sidje ostaces bez muda
ROMEO: Nesto mi se, o prohtjelo bas
ove prekrasne noci da mi je das
JULIJA: Tvoj mac bih zarko osjetiti htjela
al' veceras oca m' ne bih smjela.
ROMEO: Skraticu za glavu svakog' nek se zna
ko te bude im'o prije nego ja.
JULIJA : Romeo, Romeo daj jednom shvati
samo sam je tebi spremna dati
ROMEO : Dobro, da ne bih mor'o tuđe glave sjec'
ovog puta vjerovacu ti na rijec
JULIJA: Hajd' sad kuci jebo ti sve
joj vid' kolko je sati! Hajd' cuvaj se!
ROMEO : De barem tol'ko se odvazi
pa mi je na minut pokazi!
JULIJA : (taman krenu da skine gace)
Joj bjezi eto mi cace.
OTAC JULIJIN : Uhljupe jedan opet si dos'o
kako si samo kroz mine pros'o?!
ROMEO : Nemojte cika Mato
Julija je moje zlato.
JULIJA :(ocu) Ma ja ga uopste ne znam
nisam ga zvala, dos'o je sam.
ROMEO :M'rsss ne lazi kujo mala!
Znam ja sve kome si dala.
JULIJIN OTAC: Odlazi odavde bijedni psu
dok nisi pao mrtav tu!
JULIJA : Ma ti si Romeo u seksu amater.
Udri ga babo jebes mu mater!
ROMEO: (dade se u panican bijeg
brzo k'o metak pobjeze uz brijeg)
JULIJA (prasnu u smijeh): A vid mangupa al' bjezi
a htio bi kraj mene da lezi.
JULIJIN OTAC: Babo ce tebi momka da nađe
a ovoga će uhljupa neko zlo da snađe.
ROMEO (viče s brijega): E mangupe, dodji u carsiju ako smijes
da vidim jesi l' spreman da se bijes.
JULIJA: (cerekajući se): Romeo, Romeo odjebi ba
ako nastaviš tako ranicu se ja.
JULIJIN OTAC: Idi kući bolan Romeo
dok nisam s tobom asfalt pomeo.
ROMEO: Ako zovnem Hamleta mog jarana
nećeš izac' iz bolnice mjesec dana.
JULIJA: E dobar ti jaran, dobro ga znam
neki dan je trazio da mu je dam.
ROMEO: Opet lazeš, on Ofeliju voli
sta ima tebe za sex da moli.
JULIJIN OTAC: (Ode u kucu, vode da pije)
JULIJA: ( K'o fol ozbiljna a u sebi se smije.)
ROMEO: Odoh sada kuci ko te jebe
idem da nadjem trebu za sebe.
JULIJA: Nemoj bolan Romeo strpi se do jutra
ako ne dobijem, dacu ti sjutra.
ROMEO: Ma daji kome hoces sad mi je svejedno
ne zelim vise da zivim ovako bijedno.
JULIJA: Ma steta da nestane taki sevac.
Ne zelis valjda da umres k'o djevac ?
(Zadiže majicu pokaza mu grudi
u Romeu poce zelja da se budi)
ROMEO: (sav ushicen) O Julija oko moje crno
ma neka me pogodi puscano zrno.
Eto me k tebi, nemogu vise
iako znam da crno mi se pise.
JULIJA: Dodji dodji, dilbere moj
da vidim taj buzdovan tvoj.
ROMEO: (Trci, sa sebe odjecu skida
draganu svoju ne gubi iz vida)
(Ulazi kroz prozor, na trosjed sjeda)
JULIJA: Pozuri dok babo utakmicu gleda!
ROMEO: Hajde,hajde, brze se skidaj!
Ako naidje ti vikni "Kidaj!"
JULIJA: (Dohvati nekakvu polupraznu bocu
vise i ne razmisljajuci o svome ocu)
Hajd' da popijemo pa sta god da je
cula sam da onda duze traje.
ROMEO: Ne trazi čaše
pićemo iz flaše.
JULIJA: Hajd' ja ću prva prince moj.
Uh masalla, masalla kol'ki je taj tvoj!
ROMEO: (Uze iz Julijinih ruku flasu)
Hajd' da pijemo za ljubav nasu.
Ispraznise bocu za par minuta
Julija postade k'o nesto ljuta.
JULIJA: Znas da moje srce tebe voli
al' sad me nesto poce stomak da boli.
ROMEO: A joj meni djevojko bludna
neceš valjda reci da si trudna!
JULIJA: Marss, gluho bilo, stoko jedna
tvoja su nagadjanja tako bijedna.
ROMEO: (Odjednom pade na tlo)
uh jebote, šta sam ovo popio!?
JULIJA: "Otrov za pacove" evo bas citam
nisam prije stigla starog da pitam
ROMEO: O Julija, Julija ti nas sjeba.
E Romeo ludi tako ti i treba.
JULIJA: Izvini Romeo mislila sam da je vino
baš mi je izgledalo onako fino.
ROMEO: (Faca mu je totalno bijesna)
Sad ce ti "mala" ostat tijesna.
JULIJA: Ti umires ne saznavsi sta prava je ljepota
ne "umoci" nista za svoga zivota.
ROMEO: (dopuza do Julije blize)
Na tebe ce vjecno da mi se dize.
To izusti
i dusicu pusti
a samo je htjeo
da joj ga spusti.
JULIJA: (nestaje joj iz ociju plamen)
Kakva steta, a tvrd mu je k'o kamen.
(Zatvara oci posljednji put)
Znam babo će biti na mene ljut.
-----------------------

3 dana poslije:

OFELIJA: Jes' cuo za ono dvoje ?
Bas steta, onako mladi.
HAMLET: Ma cuo sam bona, neg' se skidaj
dok nema nikog da se nesto radi.

* dati ili ne dati pitanje je sad *

(spustanje zavese, Dubica pljesce)



Pita uciteljica djecu:
- Tko moze staviti rupu u rupu?
Odmah Maja dize ruku:
- Ja drugarice uciteljice.
Sastavi kaziprste i palceve ruku, napravi trokut i stavi oko usta.
- Bravo!- rece uciteljica, -a tko moze staviti 3 rupe u jednu rupu?
Opet Maja:
- Ja znam, stavim trokut oko usta i oko nosa i zatvorila sam 3 rupe.
- Bravo!- rece uciteljica, -a 5 rupa?'
Opet Maja:
- Ja, samo stavim trokut i oko ociju.
U zadnjoj klupi Perica poludio i kaze:
- Mogu li ja postaviti jedno pitanje: Kako se moze staviti 9 rupa u jednu rupu?
Niko ne odgovara, kad on:
- ZABIJEMO FLAUTU MAJI U SUPAK.



Slomio Hercegovac ruku i dolazi kod doktora na pregled.
Doktor pogleda, snimi ruku, i kaze: "Prijatelju moj, morat ćemo stavljat gips."
A Hercegovac će: "Prč'n ti gips, stavljaj mramor!!!"



Molim vas, odbijte, ili cu morati upotrijebiti silu = Begamore Tuchichute
On voli sljivovicu = Piyeraki Yudo Yaya
Vrijeme je da krenem = Odokuchi
Lijepo sto ste svratili = Idikuchi
Odspavaj malo = Idikuchi Ubisowu
Trenutno je zauzet = Ribukara
On se sali s vama = Ate Zayebawa
On ne moze prestati pusiti = Nasugushi Kolkopushi J
Nasi konkurenti su ozbiljni = Onitamo Yebukewu
On ne predstavlja pretnju = Neka Migaduwa
Mislim da smo se izgubili = Yao Kudasada
Trebalo bi kupiti krumpir i mljeveno meso = Yedemi Semusaka
Dobar tek = Malodishi
On je jako dobar muz = Agatura Doyaya
On se toga plasi = Nemamuda
Ozuh = Mamukara
Maceha = Mometati Pushikaru
Svekrva = Wadidushu
Musko = Imakitu
zensko = Imapitsu
Homoseksualac = Kituima Kitupushi
Lezbijka = Imapitsu Ocheribu
Nju muskarci ne zanimaju = Owariba Nechekara
Imamo zenu za direktora = Namadisha Imapitsu
Gatara = Chiribuchi Riba
On voli gledanje u karte = Ochegata
On ne vjeruje u vradzbine = Nechegata
Super mi je s njim = Tura Miduboko
On je spavao s njom = Natako Yenakitu
Seks = Kita Upitsu
zelim seks (M) = Nakitu Minayashi
zelim seks (z) = Udjimi Upitsu
Analni seks = Kitakara Teudupe
Oralni seks = Aypopu Shimikitu



Muškarca: mladog, uspješnog, sa sređenim materijalnim i
stambenim pitanjem, simpatičnog, veselog, predivnog, koji ne
pije i ne puši, koji nije narkoman, sa smislom za humor, načitanog,
odanog, heteroseksualnog, koji nije dosadan, velikodušnog, s atletskim
tijelom, neoženjenog, bez djece, bez tone dosadne rodbine
SAMO HOĆU VIDJETI!!!



www.loverbeast.com



Pao avion u džunglu. Poginuli svi putnici osim, jasno, Jane. I tako
ona tetura kroz đunglu, kad je, uz obalu obližnje rijeke ugleda, te
napadne krokodil. Prestrašena, samo se sledi iščekujući kraj u
čeljustima krokodilovim. No, u zadnji tren, od nekud doleti Tarzan i
teatralno ubije krokodila (ono, kad mu rasteže usta), te time spasi Jane.
Zahvalna Jane se odmah zaljubi u Tarzana i krene razgovarati s njim.
Nakon par uvodnih rečenica gdje je ona shvtila da je on lord,
odgojile ga životinje itd, itd, Jane upita:
- Tarzane... šta ti jedeš.
- Tarzan ulovi, Tarzan zakolje, Tarzan pojede.
- A, Tarzane, kako se oblačiš?
- Tarzan ulovi, zakolje, oguli... Tarzan napravi gaće.
- A Tarzane, kako ti s... khm, khm... onim stvarima... znaš...
- Tarzan nađe drvo s rupom, Tarzan obavi.
- Pa, gledaj Tarzane, ja sam žena...
te ona na to zadigne suknju, pregne se i okrene mu stražnjicu.
Tarzan, ni pet, ni šest, odvali jedan pristojni volej nogom u
gore spomenutu guzicu.
- HEJ! ŠTA JE TEBI??! Upita ona!
- Tarzan provjerava da nema vjeverice .



Bili Mujo i Haso u školi,i sad učiteljica pozove Muju pred ploču.
Učiteljica: 'Mujo nabroji mi par pra-životinja.'
Mujo: 'Dinosauri, emmm...'
Haso mu iza šapne: 'Mamuti'
A Mujo njemu: 'A ja tebi sestru'!



Na sredini Paskog mosta, na samom rubu ograde, stoji preljepa i savrseno
gradjena plavusa. Gleda dolje u sinje more i hoce se ubit, kad ... naidje
mladi i naociti pomorac u uniformi.
- Djevojko, sto to radis nasred mosta? - povice pomorac.
- Ma hocu se ubit, svi me muskarci svaki dan samo zele seviti i nista
vise, nitko se nebi samnom druzio i razgovarao! - odgovori tuzno plavusa.
- Nemoj tako, nismo svi isti, evo ja se upravo danas ukrcavam na brod za
Ameriku, pa ako hoces kreni samnom na besplatni put. Mozes spavati na
drugom krevetu u mojoj kabini a ja cu ti potajno donositi hranu. Samo...,
moras mi obecati da ces ostati skrivena u mojoj kabini, jer ako te kapetan
otkrije oboje smo nastradali.
...I razmisli plavusa i pomisli: "Evo nade za bolji zivot u Americi!" - i
tajno se, te noci ukrca s njim na brod...
Prvog dana donese pomorac dorucak u kabinu i vrati se na posao. Donese
joj rucak i opet se vrati na posao. Naveèer joj donese veceru i mrtav
umoran od posla srusi se u svoj krevet i zaspi. I tako isto bijase i drugi,
i treci i peti dan ... A plavusi, iz dana u dan, pomorac sve drazi i drazi,
pa nakon tjedan dana shvati da se zaljubila u njega. Kada je te veceri
dosao u kabinu, ona ga poljubi i zavrse u zestokom seksu .
I tako plovise oni dva i pol mjeseca. Preko dana on bi radio, a ona bi,
zahvalna i sretna, s uzivanjem cistila i pospremala njihovu kabinu. A
svaku bi vecer uski brodski krevet glasno skripio od njihovog strasnog
seksa. Sve dok jednog prijepodneva u kabinu slucajno ne udje kapetan broda.
Ugleda prekrasnu plavusu i u cudu je upita:
- Djevojko sto vi radite na mom brodu !!??
- Ma znate kapetane ..., ja sam se htjela ubiti jer me svi muskarci zele
samo seviti i nitko se od njih ne bi se samnom druzio i razgovarao.
Spasio me vas mladi pomorac i poveo ovim brodom na put u Ameriku. Riskirao
je svoj posao kako bi mi pomogao i predivan je prema meni, cijeli dan
naporno
radi i donosi mi hranu. Zavoljeli smo se i svaku vecer istinski vodimo
ljubav dok se nase duse i tijela spajaju u jedno. Razno-razni
pokvarenjaci vise
ne iskoristavaju moje tijelo, vise me nitko, kako vi muskarci odvratno
kazete, ne "jebe"...
Kapetan je mirno pogleda preko svojih naocala i hladnokrvno odgovori:
- Jebe on tebe sreco, jebe ... Samo te jebe ... Jer duso ... ovo je
trajekt Prizna - Zigljen !!!



Jeste li znali:
Francuski kralj Filip IV. dao je 13. listopada 1307. uhititi sve
pripadnike Templarskog viteškog reda kako bi se domogao njihova
bogatstva. Templari su posvuda optuženi za herezu pa su pobijeni ili
spaljeni na lomači. Nasuprot Europi, Hrvati su posljednje templare
zaštitili u zasebnim utočištima. Kako je njihov progon počeo u petak
trinaestog, taj se dan od tada smatra nesretnim!



mudrost života:
/*" Ne igraj se sa ženskim srcem, jer ono je samo jedno!*/
/* Igraj se sa ženskim grudima, njih su dvije!! "*/
by: neznani mislioc s kraja 20. stoljeća



Razgovaraju Francuz, Talijan i Rus kada i sto je kome najljepse.
Talijan:"... romanticna vecera, una bella donna, pasta, pa onda vodimo
ljubav do zore."
Francuz:" ... setnja Parizom sa mojom Jacqueline, vecera u restoranu,
svijece,sir,vino, pa onda vodimo ljubav do sitnih jutarnjih sati."
Rus:"... Sibir, - 40 °C, 4 sata ujutro, ti spavas u toploj baraci. Udje
zapovjednik straze i vikne: "SERGEJ, NA STRAZU !!!" ... a ti nisi Sergej"
- 15:35 - Komentari (7) - Isprintaj - #

06.10.2006., petak

KNJIGE, VICEFI

Daklem, konačno uhvatih malo vremena napisati novi post i početi čitati knjige koje mi je preporučila Starchild, Ionesco: Stolice i Ballard: Sudar. Prvu sam pročitao a nadam se da ću ovih dana i drugu. Starchild, hvala na preporuci! Ako imate volje i vremena, probajte pročitati te knjige.

Prije viceva, evo jedne prigodne pjesme (neki će znati o čemu se radi):

Đorđe Balašević -> Lepa protina kći

Još sam bio sasvim mlad,
neke barske ptice sam lovio tad,
kad je došla da se kupa lepa protina kći.
Nije znala gde sam ja,
da je gledam, krišom, kroz trsku i šaš,
a preko reke noć je pala kao plašt.

Mesec tinja nad vrbakom,
srebri nebo, zveda roj,
i kapi vode kao biseri
koji blistaju svud po njoj...

O srce ludo, ludi sni,
već se moji drugovi momčili svi.
A ja sam hteo samo jednu:
lepu protinu kći.

Čudnom pesmom zvoni drum,
te su zime i svatovi došli po nju,
iz daleka, neki svet za mene tuđ.

Baš sam prošao sokakom.
Padao je prvi sneg.
I još ponekad zazvone praporci
što je odnose, ko zna gde...

Da se ženim, imam kad.
Ja sam, eto, ostao momak do sad.
Nikad više nisam sreo lepu protinu kći.

Jedan život, miran, tih.
Nekad bacim kartu il' napišem stih.
Stvari teku, ja se držim izvan njih.

I ljubim dobre, ljubim lake.
Neke prave, a neke ne.
I sve su vile, sve su kraljice.
I sve su nevažne naspram nje...



******************************************************
* PAŽNJA, DALJE SU VICEFI, ULAZ NA VLASTITU ODGOVORNOST! *
******************************************************

Casna uci klince vjeronauk i pokusava ih zainteresirati za Bozju kreaciju.
Casna: - Djeco, ja cu vam opisivati stvari, a vi pogodite sto je to. Jel moze?
Klinci: - Moze.
Casna: - Evo ovako, ima lijepo smede krzno, zivi u krosnjama drveca i
zakopava ljesnjake u zemlju. Sto je to?
Klinci tupo gledaju u casnu, pogledavaju se medusobno i slijezu ramenima.
Casna: - Evo sada cu bolje opisati: ima lijepo smede krzno, krasan kitnjast
rep, slatke zubice-sjekutice, skakuce u krosnjama drveca i zakopava
ljesnjake u zemlju. Sto je to?
Klinci tupo gledaju, pogledavaju se medusobno i slijezu ramenima.
Casna: - Ajde ti reci, Ivice, sto ti mislis sto je to?
Ivica se dize, nesigurno pogledava oko sebe i veli:
- Pa... Ja znam da je tocan odgovor Isus, iako mi jako vuce na vjevericu.


Pita Ivica tatu: "Tata, znas li koliko je duga pasta za zube u tubi???",
a tata ce mu:"Ne, sine. Tko bi to mogao znati???".
Ivica: "Ja!!! Duga je 3 puta oko stola i jednom oko fotelje!"


Isao Crnogorac ulicom i odjedno mu se pripis'alo, gdje ce sta ce, prisloni
se uz neku ogradu. Neka gospodja prolazeci ugleda to i poce vristati.
Crnogorac joj pomirljivo rece." NE BOJ SE BONA DRZIM GA".


Imao Mujo macku i nije znao kako da je se rjesi.
Sretne on Hasu i pozali mu se a ovaj ce njemu:
- Slusaj Mujo, vrlo jednostavno. Odnesi macku dva bloka dalje i ostavi je tamo.
Uradi Mujo tako navecer ali vec sljedece jutro eto macke nazad.
Sretne on opet Hasu i kaze mu sta se desilo.
- Jebiga Mujo, pametna neka macka, ali nista ne brini odvedi ti nju na
kraj grada pa se nece vratit.
Ucini tako Mujo istu vecer,budi se on radostan drugi dan, otvara
vrata kad eto ti macke opet ispred kuce!
Sad Mujo vec nervozan, napadne on Hasu a ovaj ce njemu:
- Slusaj me jos jednom, boli me kurac za tebe i tvoju macku,
odvedi je u tri picke materine, odvedi je u sumu duboku i ostavi
je tamo pa cemo onda vidjet da li ce se vratit.
I tako bi. I sretose se Mujo i Haso tek nakon mjesec dana, stade se Haso
izvinjavat:
- Oprosti sto sam bio onako ljut zadnji put, znam da se zbog toga nisi
javljao... nego jesi se rijesio macke?
- Suti bolan Haso, da nije bilo macke ne bi se znao doma vratit!!!


Isli Mujo i Fata ulicom i Fata vidi grudnjak i kaze Muji:
- Mujo de mi kupi grudnjak.
Kaze Mujo:
- Ma necu bona sta ce ti.
Na to ce Fata:
- Ma vidi kako je lijep, de molim te.
Kaze Mujo:
- Sto cu ti kupovat kad nemas sta stavit unutra.
Kaze Fata:
- Ma jel, a sto smo tebi kupili gace?


STO JE IMPOTENCIJA ?
KAD SE MOZAK POCNE KURCITI, A KURAC FILOZOFIRATI.


KAKVA JE RAZLIKA IZMEDJU POGLEDA S PLANINE I KAD TI PUSI BABA OD 80 GODINA.
NIKAKVA, U OBA SLUCAJA UZIVAS ALI NE SMIJES POGLEDATI DOLJE.


SECE BAKICA GROBLJEM I SRETNE GROBARA :
"OPROSTITE, MOZETE MI RECI GDJE JE GROB 64 ? "
ODGOVARA JOJ GROBAR:
"KOJI KURAC IZLAZIS KAD SE NE ZNAS VRATITI !"


ZOVE FATA MUJU NA MOBITEL, KAD ZENSKI GLAS KAZE :
"PRETPLATNIK JE PRIVREMENO NEDOSTUPAN-MOLIM NAZOVITE KASNIJE"
A FATA CE :"A TEBI JE DOSTUPAN, KURVO JEDNA !"


KUPAJU SE MUJO I HASO U JEZERU.
"MUJO, BOLAN, JEL TI TO DRKAS? -UPITA ZABEZEKNUTO HASO.
"AMA STO TE BRIGA KOJOM BRZINOM JA PEREM KURAC !"


Nema Fate danima kući, zabrine se Mujo i sjeti da je zovne na mobitel:
"Fato, jesi to ti?"
"Jesam Mujo."
"Gdje si?"
"Evo me u Zvorniku na Savi."
"Otkud sad Zvornik na Savi, valjda Drini?!?"
"Ne znam, evo ti Savo pa njega pitaj..."


Otisao Lala u Bosnu da vidi bosance. Pita on jednog:
- "Jesil' ti bosanac?" Kaze ovaj: - "Nisam."
Pita on drugog: - "Jesil' ti bosanac?" Kaze ovaj: - "Nisam."
Naidje on na hodzu (sa stapom i turbanom), pa ga pita: - "Jesil' ti bosanac?"
Kaze ovaj: - "Jesam."
Lala: - "E tako sam vas glupo i zamislj'o. Boli vas noga a umotali glavu."


Ulaziš u radnju sa prijateljicom... gorite od želje za kupovinom ...
Ona se odmah odvaja jer je vidjela neke sandale sa cirkonima u lijevom
kutu radnje. Prilaziš drugom pultu i druga si u redu iza zajapurene djevojke sjajnih
očiju koja je primijetila iste cipele koje stoje na pultu ispred, BAŠ
KAO I TI...Znaš da ih i ona želi bar u istoj mjeri i da je spremna na sve
da ih dobije. Nijedna od vas nema torbicu pri sebi!!!
Bilo bi potpuno nepristojno da je zaobiđeš i da joj zauzmeš mjesto i
da odmah dohvatiš cipele posebno iz tog razloga što nemaš torbu i novce pri sebi.
Prodavačica je potpuno mirna i čeka razvoj događaja. Tvoja
prijateljica u drugom uglu radnje proba sandalice koje je "snimila" i
ima torbu sa novčanikom kod sebe. Pogledate se i ona vidi dilemu u
tvojim očima. Sprema se da ti dobaci svoju torbu.
Ako ti uspije dobaciti onda hladno možeš zaobići zajapurenu djevojku
ispred sebe i kupiti cipele njoj ispred nosa. Mada, mogla bi baciti torbicu i
ispred djevojke i dok je ona još "uvijek u letu" ti možeš zaobići djevojku
i uhvatiti ju i odmah kupiti cipele. Sigurno ti je jasno da je glupo da
budeš ispred druge djevojke dok torbica nije bačena u tvom pravcu.
ČESTITAM! - Upravo si naučila pravilo OFSAJDA!


Mladić, izgubljen u šumi, luta okolo i na kraju nailazi na jednu kućicu. Vrata mu otvara jedan stari Kinez sa dugom bradom.
"Izgubio sam se", reče mladić. "Mogu li prespavati kod vas?"
"Naravno", reče Kinez, "ali pod jednim uvjetom. Ako makar takneš moju kćerku, primijenit ću na tebi tri najstrašnije metode kineskog mučenja."
"U redu", reče mladić, i uđe unutra.
Malo prije večere, starčeva kćerka je sišla niz stepenice. Bila je mlada i vrlo lijepa. Očigledno joj se mladić svidio, jer nije mogla oka skinuti s njega za vrijeme jela. Međutim, sjetivši se što je starac rekao, mladić ju je ignorirao i otišao poslije večere u krevet.
Ipak, nije mogao izdržati i te noći se ušuljao u njenu sobu i proveli su noć zajedno. U zoru, vratio se u svoju sobu, izmoren ali sretan. Probudivši se, osjetio je pritisak na grudima. Otvorio je oči i vidio ogromnu stijenu na grudima. Na plafonu je bila poruka: "Kinesko mučenje #1: Velika stijena na grudima."
"Jako mi mučenje", pomisli mladić. "Ako je to najbolje što starac može smisliti, nema problema."
Podigao je stijenu, otišao do prozora i bacio je van. Na zidu pored prozora ugledao je drugu poruku: "Kinesko mučenje #2: Stijena vezana za lijevo jaje."
U panici, mladić pogleda dolje i shvati da se konopac skoro zategao. Misleći da je bolje imati nekoliko slomljenih kostiju neko biti kastriran, on skoči kroz prozor za stijenom.
Dok je padao, na zemlji ispred kuće ugleda treću poruku: "Kinesko mučenje #3: Desno jaje vezano za nogu od kreveta."


Isao fratar pustinjom i odjedamput naleti na lava.
Sav u strahu zatvori oci, sklopi ruke i krene moliti:
-Boze, molim te probudi nesto krscansko u ovome lavu!
Otvorivsi oci primjetio je da lav je bio sve blize i blize...
Dosavsi pred fratra lav odjedamput stane, sklopi sape i krene govoriti:
-Boze, blagoslovi ovu hranu koju cu sada blagovati. Amen.


Noćas smo supruga i ja sjedili na kauču i razgovarali o životu.
Razgovor nas je odveo i na razmišljanje o dignitetu čovječjeg života.
Rekao sam joj: -Draga, ako se meni što dogodi, da bih bio u stanju
vegetiranja, ovisan o aparatima i tekućini, molim te isključi sve stvari
koje me drže na životu.
Čim sam to izrekao, žena je ustala, isključila TV aparat i uzela mi pivo.


Zamolio Medo Zeku da mu pricuva gorilu (ma sta gorilu, king kong-a)
dok je Medo na godisnjem.
-Slusaj Zeko, za dorucak mu daj banane, za rucak banane i za veceru banane.
I to je sve sto trebas raditi. Ali ni slucajno, ni za zivu glavu nemoj da
ga diras. Jesi cuo!?
-OK, ok - kaze Zeko
I tako ga Zeko hranio par dana, i sve je bilo u redu.
Treci dan ne da vrag mira Zeki i on odluci pipnuti gorilu.
Prikrao mu se s ledja i lagano ga takne po ramenu.
Gorila se naglo ustane i okrene s razjapljenim ustima.
Zeko se u panici da u trk, a gorila za njim.
I trci Zeko preko polja i potoka, kroz sume i sumarke, preko brda i dolina,
a gorila mu stalno za petama. Trajalo je to cijei dan i Zeko se vec umorio,
mutilo mu se pred ocima, a i nije vise poznavao kraj koliko su daleko
otisli. A gorila ne odustaje i sve je blize.
I u jednom trenutku zeko se spotakne preko neke grane, padne i ostane
lezati na ledjima tesko disuci.
Gorila ga dostigne, prijeteci se nadvije nad Zekom, sirokih nosnica i jos
sireg osmjeha pokazujuci ocnjake. Ispruzi ruku takne Zeku i kaze:
-TI lovis !



Eto, nadam se da je ovo dosta vicefa! Ako se netko uvrijedio na neki od viceva jer se pronašao u njemu, vrijedi isto pravilo kao i prije: sam(a) si je kriv(a) jer ne zna prihvatiti šalu!
- 10:52 - Komentari (9) - Isprintaj - #

19.09.2006., utorak

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

Evo prigodne pjesmice:

9. Whiskey In The Jar

[Originally recorded by Thin Lizzy]

As I was goin' over the Cork and Kerry mountains
I saw Captain Farrell and his money he was countin'
I first produced my pistol and then produced my rapier
I said stand and deliver or the devil he may take ya

I took all of his money and it was a pretty penny
I took all of his money yeah and I brought it home to Molly
She swore that she'd love me, no never would she leave me
But the devil take that woman yeah for you know she tricked me easy

Musha ring dum a doo dum a da
Whack for my daddy-o
Whack for my daddy-o
There's whiskey in the jar-o

Being drunk and weary I went to Molly's chamber
Takin' my money with me and I never knew the danger
For about six or maybe seven in walked Captain Farrell
I jumped up, fired off my pistols and I shot him with both barrels

Musha ring dum a doo dum a da
Whack for my daddy-o
Whack for my daddy-o
There's whiskey in the jar-o

Now some men like the fishin' and some men like the fowlin'
And some men like ta hear, ta hear cannon ball a roarin'
Me I like sleepin' specially in my Molly's chamber
But here I am in prison, here I am with a ball and chain yeah

Musha ring dum a doo dum a da
Whack for my daddy-o
Whack for my daddy-o
There's whiskey in the jar-o

Whiskey in the jar-o
Musha ring dum a doo dum a da


Obrada: by Metallica
- 11:36 - Komentari (6) - Isprintaj - #

17.09.2006., nedjelja

MATURALAC I ZABAFA

Dakle, za one koje zanima, na maturalcu smo bili u Tunisu. Plan puta je bio:
1) Monastir (slijetanje aviona i noćenje)
2) El Jem (razgledavanje rimskog amfiteatra iz 5. stoljeća - nikad dovršen jer se narod El JEma pobunio pa su Rimljani za kaznu odbili dovršiti amfiteatar nakon gušenja pobune. Amfiteatar je unatoč tome 3. po veličini očuvani u svijetu)
3) Gabes (ručak njami)
4) Matmata (slikanje i razgledavanje stare berberske kuće u kojoj i danas živi jedna obitelj, upoznavanje s nekim običajima Islama)
5) Tamezret (kratka pauza, slikanje bebe deve cerek)
6) Douz (spavanje, jahanje na devema - GENIJALAN OSJEĆAJ)
7) Fatnassa (slano jezero, slikanje sa sokolom, kupovanje pustinjskih ruža)
8) Tozeur (spavanje)
9) Nefta (oaza, slikanje kod gradskog kupališta)
10) Chebika (razrušeni grad, planinarenje i izbjegavanje brojnih prosjaka)
11) Tamerza (pustinjski vodopad - visine oko 10m i širine bar metar!)
12) Gafsa (ručak u hotelu s 5 zvjezdica - većini odvratno do jestivo)
13) Kairouan (razgledavanje svetog grada, prvi minaret na svijetu - služio i kao obrambeni toranj jer je u sklopu zidina)
14) Hammamet (4 dana odmora party, zezanja, kupanja, razgledavanja i shoppinga suvenira smijeh)
15) Kartaga (razgledavanje feničke i rimske Kartage)
16) Sidi Buo Said (oli ti "Sveti Otac Srećko", razlgedavanje, vidikovac - prekrasan pogled na Tuniški zaljev i kruzere)
17) Tunis (ručak i kratko razgledavanje glavnog grada)
18) Monastir (opraštanje od vodiča Siniše Rodina, odlazak kući)

Tokom putovanja smo prešli preko 1400km po kopnu od čega je bar 1200 bilo prije Hammameta u džipovima. Fascinantno je da to nismo niti osjetili zbog dobrog društva (6 putnika + genijalni vozač po džipu) i čestih zaustavljanja zbog svježe vode. Zanimljivo da svi tamo znaju za Hrvatsku i da je svima komentar na Severinu "good movie! good movie! dobra treba!"... U svakom slučaju, išli smo u organizaciji Atlas Airtoursa i svi smo zaključili da se jako isplatilo. Toplo preporučam taj izlet svakome tko si može priuštiti! Da ne zaboravim, cijene su ima niže nego naše (npr. 2l Coca Cole = 4.5-6kn, 1.5l vode = 3-5kn...)



*****************************************
* PAŽNJA! VICEVI I ZABAVA! *
* DALJNJE ČITANJE NA VLASTITU ODGOVORNOST!*
*****************************************

Kako se svađati sa ženom i pobijediti
Bauljali Mujo i Haso po gradu cijeli dan i ostalo im 20 kuna.
Kaze Mujo:
"Jebi ga Haso nemeremo vise pit', nema para.."
Haso:
"Jebi ga..nista onda..."
Snuzdili se oni i cube na klupi u parku. Odjednom sine ideja Muji.
"Brzo Haso ajmo u trgovinu."
Odu oni u trgovinu i kupe za tih zadnjih 20 kuna jednu kobasu. Haso rece Muji:
"Jebi ga Mujo sad tek nemamo para,sto cemo s
tom kobasicom?"
"Nista ti ne brini, idemo u prvi kafic i samo slusaj sto ti govorim. Idemo
mi u birtiju i kad treba platiti ja cu staviti kobasu u hlace a ti ces
kleknuti i izvuci je kroz slic i pusiti kao da je kara i onda ce nas
izbaciti iz birtije."
Odu oni u prvi kafic i piju, pa piju i na kraju Haso izvuce kobasu i pocne
pusiti, gazda ih s gadjenjem izbaci iz kafica.
I tako oni sretni sto se mogu opijati obidu desetak kafica.
Na kraju kaze Haso Muji:
"Jebi ga Mujo, nemerem vise, bole me koljena a i usta mi se razvalila,
dosta mi je toga..."
A Mujo ce njemu:
" A sto mislis kako je meni,izgubio sam kobasu vec u drugom kaficu..."



Stariji par lezi u krevetu. Muz pospan, kunja, a zeni do romantike. Ona:
- "Kad si mi se jos udvarao, drzao si me za ruku u krevetu..."
On se okrene, za sekund je uhvati za ruku i pokusava konacno zaspati. Za
par sekundi opet ona:
- "Onda si me poljubio..."
Muz se opet okrene, poljubi je u lice i okrene se natrag.
Za pola minute ona:
- "Onda si mi grickao vrat..."
On ljutito odgrne deku i skoci na noge.
Ona:
- "Kuda ides?"
On:
- "Po zube!"



Konj se razbolio. Dosao veterinar i propisao seljaku lijek za konja.
Tri dana da mu daje, ako konju ne bude bolje morat ce ga ubiti.
To cula svinja. Prvi dan, konju nije bolje, drugi dan takodjer. Pridje mu
svinja i kaze:
"Molim te ustani, moras ozdraviti" ali konj ne ustaje.
Treci dan - konj ne ustaje.
Svinja ga opet moli, kaze mu da ce ga ubiti ako ne ustane.
Odjednom konj ustaje i polako izlazi iz stale.
Svi se raduju i seljak kaze veterinaru:
"Ovo moramo proslaviti, veceras cu zaklati svinju".

Poanta price: Ne mijesaj se u tudja posla!



Dobio jedan drot na poklon vazu - kao "drot mjeseca". Dok je nosio kući, on
je okrenuo vazu naopako a da nije ni primjetio. Stavlja on vazu pred zenu i
kaze:
- "Gledaj, zeno, sta ti je muz doneo!"
A ona mu odgovara:
- "Pa sta si mi donio, glupane. Nema otvora, gdje da stavim cvijeće? Ajde,
sad lijepo vrati ti to komandiru i trazi drugu..." Ode drot kod komandira i
sav tuzan mu kaze:
- "sto ste mi, komandire, dali feleričnu vazu na poklon, zena zamalo da me
linčuje. Ova uopće nema otvora gdje se stavlja cvijeće..." Uzme to komandir
da vidi, gleda - ne moze da vjeruje:
- "Stvarno nema otvora!", izjavi on ostro.
Onda je pogleda odozdo i zabezeknut uzviknu:
- "Pa nema ni dna, jebote!"



Krdo bizona može se kretati onom brzinom kojom se može kretati
najsporiji bizon, nikako brže od toga jer bi inače najsporiji bizon
zaostao zakrdom.

Kad je krdo napadnuto, najslabiji ili najbolesniji bizoni su obično
prvi na udaru i oni prvi stradaju jer se nalaze na začelju krda. To se
zove prirodna selekcija, i ona je dobra za cijelo krdo bizona, jer se tako
krdo rješava onih koji ga usporavaju u kretanju. Dakle, regularno
ubijanje najslabijih članova krda je u principu dobra stvar za cijelo krdo.

Na više-manje isti način, ljudski mozak je nakupina živčanih stanica, a
kao cjelina funkcionira onoliko brzo koliko najsporija stanica može
funkcionirati. Svi znamo da pretjerana konzumacija alkohola uništava
živčane stanice u mozgu. No, zbog bioloških razloga, alkohol prvo napada i uništava najsporije i najslabije stanice u mozgu. Na taj način,
kontinuirana konzumacija piva ili gemišta eliminira najslabije karike u
lancu prijenosa informacije u mozgu, što čini mozak bržim i efektivnijim.

Zato se čovjek uvijek osjeća pametnijim nakon par piva ili gemišta ...



Zašto se muškarci nakon 40. god. života uvijek jako znoje između prvog i drugog snošaja ?
Zato što je između toga ljeto !

Što je zajedničko macho muškarcu i slovu Q ?
Oboje su velike nule sa malim repom.

Što je dokaz za to da su bajke čista izmišljotina ?
To što su prinčevi uvijek inteligentni, dobrostojeći samci.

Koji je najbrži put do muškarčevog srca ?
Oštrim nožem kroz prsa.

Kako muškarcu utjerati strah u kosti?
Prišuljaj se s leđa i baci na njega rižu...

Što je zajedničko muškarcima i rabljenim autima ?
Oboje možeš lako nabaviti, jeftini su i potpuno nepouzdani.

Kako je vidljivo da muškarac planira budućnost?
Kupi si dva sanduka pive.

Koja je razlika između jogurta i muškarca?
Jogurt ima barem malo kulture!

Kako se zove muškarac koji je izgubio 90 % sposobnosti rasuđivanja?
Udovac.



Ursula Martinez smijeh



Biseri turbo folka


- Lazes kao pas, gledas me ko zver,
stvarno nije fer.

-Sve, sve, sve, sve ces da mi das
al ja necu s tobom jer si mafijas.

-Daj zagrli me, daj daj daj, vodoravno a i uspravnooooo

-Ajde Jelo smrci belo,
pa nek vidi celo selo.

-Plitak potok, a voda duboka??????

-Mala lezi tuku mitraljezi,
ja cu na te, ne boj se granate!

-Ocu kuci da te vodim,
ali ja sam izbjeglica nemam kuce
boze boze zar ja trazim nemoguce.

-Vetar duva kisa sipi
a pod nama krevet skripi.

-Zbog nje su me zvali papak. ja to nisam znaoooo

-Jel te peku u daljini
moje suze na haljini?

-Skocit cu sa sedmoga sprata,
rodila mi zena a ja nisam tata.

-Moj se dragi u autu voza
a ja jadna u sumi kod koza!!!!

-Kazu nismo par
zato sto si podstanar.

-Uz malu pec i radio
svasta sam joj radio.

-Sto na kafu zoves mene
kada nemas samlevene!

-Sta ce meni vencanje i zena
kad sa tudjom zivim bez problema.

-Ti ode na zeleno ja osta na crveno, rastavi nas semafooor.

-Da dogovor kucu gradi rek'o je nek'o, s tobom kako stvari stoje
temelj je daleko.

-Mala moja na vrh kola stani
da te moje oko nanisani.

-Skini skini kosulju al nemoj brushalter ostavi bar nesto mala da
pocepa panter.

-Kuce laje a ja mislim ti si,
otis'o si sarmu probo nisi.

-Ja te volim ja te obozavam,
ja bih s tobom da se razmnozavam.

-Ja sam dama visokog morala,
zato svoju nikom nisam dala.

-Alal vera mili moj,
kad me stegnes joj joooj

-Izvukla si ciglu iz temelja ljubavi nase, samo deca ostase beton i
malter na srcu ti pise, stupovi od tuge se iskrivise vaservaga kaze da
samnom teras segu dabogda dobila pesak u bubregu. (Zidareva ljubav)

-Cveta cvece listaju banderre,
ja te volim, ti si mi devojka! (????)

-Ispred kuce metar drva,
ti si moja ljubav prva.

-Mala moja dodji da sviramo malkice,
ja dok sviram ti mi skini gacice.

-Ja sam svoju Raziju miniro,
poginut ce ko je bude diro.

-Pletem dzemper, dzemper mi u ruci,
dodji mala pa mi ga navuci.

-OOOO, otpala ti ruka
ako drugu taknes oko struka.

-Otisoooo si e pa nek siii,
nisi bio bog zna kako seksiiiiii.

-Nisam zgodan al sam neophodan,
ko me proba zeli me do groba.

-Mala moja na vrh sela moga,
ti zivis u oblacima, ja zivim u opancima (?????)

-Ja ti kazem odlazi pokido se lanac,
a ti ne razumes ko da si Bosanac.

-Guram guram ne moze da udje
moja noga u cipele tudje.

-Pevaljka sam od glave do pete,
oko mene sve valute lete.

-Neko vozi motor, neko vozi traktor,
ja i moja mala motokultivator.

-Sutra kada prodje sto je noci milo,
ti ne pricaj drugovima sta je sinoc bilo!!!!

-Dva bunara dva bunara a velika susa,
dodji dragi izgore mi i srce i dusaaaa

-Rodno mesto Banja Luka, jedem cevap s mnogo luka u Becu sam
gastarbajter, u krevetu pravi fajter



Kako to žene rade...
- 10:56 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

23.08.2006., srijeda

JOŠ MALO

Evo još malo zabave prije nego odem na maturalac!
http://degiorgi.math.hr/~vsego/phun/oralni.htm

Gledaju dva navijača Hajduka i pas utakmicu. Kad Hajduk primi gol pas počne cviliti.
"A što mu je sad?" upita prvi.
"Ma on ti je veliki navijač Hajduka i sad je žalostan jer Hajduk gubi", odgovori drugi.
"A što radi kad Hajduk pobjeđuje?" upita prvi.
"Ne znam, imam ga tek godinu dana."

Dragi dnevniče,
prošle sam godine dala na kući zamijeniti sve stare drvene prozore s novom
PVC stolarijom i skupljim izo staklima. Prozori su super, štedimo na
grijanju i sve bi bilo izvrsno da me nije prije
nekoliko dana nazvao vlasnik firme koja je postavljala prozore i rekao mi da
je prošlo godinu dana, a da prozori nisu plaćeni.
Bila sam jako iznenađena tom njegovom izjavom pa sam mu ponovila što su mi
rekli njegovi iz prodaje kada sam kupovala :
"Ti su prozori toliko dobri i štedljivi da će za godinu dana sami sebe
otplatiti "
Halooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!!! Prošlo je godinu dana !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ako sam plava nisam glupa.
S druge strane linije nastao je muk pa sam poklopila slušalicu.
Sigurno se tip sad osjeća kao zadnja budala.

Mujo je bio danima u depresiji, takvoj depresiji da su mu u glavi
odzvanjala dva glasa..

Prvi glas je bio opusten i tjesio ga je:
"Mujo, nemas razloga za depresiju i ovakvu bezvoljnost, to je bio samo
seks bez emocija. Nisi ti ni prvi ni posljednji lijecnik koji je
"opalio" svoju
pacijenticu. Uostalom, nemas stalnu vezu pa ne mozes reci kako si nekog
prevario...
Uostalom, svi lijecnici to rade, to je danas normalno...
Opusti se covjece, ti slucajevi "za jednu noc", danas su potpuno
uobicajeni..."
A drugi glas ga je podsjecao:
"Mujo, ti si veterinar..."

"Fato, uporno tvrdiš da te Mujo silovao s nogu, uza zid, a ti si od
njega visočija za pola metra. Kako?"
"Nabio mi lonac na glavu i drž'o se za ručke."

Muž je upravo završio čitati knjigu s naslovom: "Kako biti gospodar u
svojoj kući" Odjurio je u kuhinju i stao pred ženu. Uperio je prst u
njezino lice i oštro rekao:
"Da znaš, da sam od sada nadalje ja gospodar u ovoj kući i moja je riječ
ZAKON ! U večer ćeš mi pripremiti gurmansku večeru i kada pojedem,
poslužiti ćeš mi divan slatkiš.
Nakon večere ići ćemo u spavaću sobu i voditi ćemo ljubav kako ja hoću.
Nakon toga pripremiti ćeš mi kadu za kupanje, kako bi se mogao opustiti.
Oprati ćeš mi leđa i obrisati ćeš me, na to pa donijeti piđamu.
Nakon toga izmasirati ćeš mi stopala i ruke. Pogodi, tko će me obući i
Počešljati, kada to završiš ?"
Žena: "Ja bi rekla, sigurno upravnik pogrebnog zavoda !"



Nadam se da će vas ova kolekcija držati idućih tjedan dana dok sam na maturalcu!
- 15:09 - Komentari (7) - Isprintaj - #

16.08.2006., srijeda

OPET JA!!!

Kao što naslov kaže, moram vas razočarati, i dalje sam ovdje. Nisam pisao jer sam guštao na moru! Uglavnom, evo nove ture vicefa:

Bajka u izvedbi moderne Amazonke
================================

Nekada davno
u nekoj dalekoj zemlji,
lijepa, nezavisna, samopouzdana princeza,
naletjela je na zabu dok je sjedila
na obali nezagadjene bare,
na zelenoj poljani blizu svog zamka,
razmatrajuci ekoloska pitanja.

Zaba je uskocila u princezino krilo
i rekla:
"Elegantna Damo,
ja sam jednom bio naocit princ,
sve dok me zla vjestica nije zacarala.
Medjutim, jedan tvoj poljubac,
ce me ponovo pretvoriti u
lijepog i mladog princa, sto ja i jesam,
i tada, moja draga, mi cemo se vjencati
i osnovati obitelj u tvom zamku
s mojom majkom,
gdje ces mi ti kuhati,
radjati moju djecu,
prati moju prljavu odjecu,
i pritom osjecati
vjecnu zahvalnost i srecu za to."

I te noci,
dok je princeza raskosno vecerala
lagano przene zablje batake
zacinjene bijelim vinom
u krem umaku od bijelog luka,
tiho se osmjehnula i pomislila:
"Pa, ne bih bas rekla..."

(Op.a: Da li je ovo kanibalska bajka?)



Vicovlje, mijesano
==================

Ciao, Haso! - pozdravi Mujo u prolazu.
Ciao! - otpozdravi Haso i pocne razmisljati: "Sta mu to znaci 'Ciao'? To mu
dodje kao mijao kako se javlja moj macak, macak pije mlijeko, mlijeko daje
krava, krava ima rogove,... Jebo majku, rece mi da sam rogonja!?"

Ode crnogorski arhitekt kod talijanskog arhitekta u Italiju. Vidi Crnogorac
Talijana sa dve kuce, tri auta, pet mobilnih, itd.
Pita Crnogorac: - Kako si, bre, napravio ovo bogatstvo?
Na to ce Talijan: - Vidis li onaj most?
- Vidim - kaze Crnogorac.
- Taj most je trebao biti 120m x 25m a ja ga napravio 120m x 22m pa od
ta 3 metra napravio ovo bogatstvo.
Dodje sljedece godine Italijan u Crnu Goru, pa vidi Crnogorca sa 5 hotela,
svugde vile, vozi Ferrari pa pita Crnogorca:
- A odakle tebi sve ovo?
- Vidis li onaj most?
Talijan odgovori:
- Ne!!!
Na to ce Crnogorac:
- E tu je trebao biti most!

Penzioner mora napraviti spermogram i da mu doktor flasicu da ju odnese
doma i donese napunjenu.
Vrati se sutra penzioner sa praznom flasicom.
- Pa, dobro, jesam li vam rekao da ju trebate napuniti?!
- Je, gospon doktor, probao sam i lijevom i desnom rukom, pa je probala
zena s obje ruke, pa i ustima. Cak je i skinula gebis, ali ne ide.
Probala je i susjeda s obje ruke i nista.
Vjerujte mi, nema ni teoretske sanse da otvorimo ovu flasicu...

Dodje casna sestra kod doktora te se pozali na mucninu, povracanje...
Doktor ju uputi da izvadi krv...
- Precasna, vasi testovi su pokazali da ste trudni!
Na to ce ona:
- Nije moguce, ne, ne, nisam, nisam...
Nekako ju doktor uvjeri i ona ode. Dosavsi u crkvu, postavi u red sve
svecenike i vikne:
- DA JA SAD CUJEM 'KO JE DRKAO PO SVIJECAMA?!

Ulazi Mujo u ducan i obraca se prodavacici: "Dajte mi jedan papir za
straznjicu."
"Izvolite, ali ne kaze se 'za straznjicu', nego toaletni papir."
"Dobro, i dajte mi jedan sapun."
"Toaletni?"
"Ma ne, za lice!"

Odlucila dva pedera da dobiju dijete. Nasli su rodilju, pomijesali spermu,
dali ju za umjetnu oplodnju i rodi se sin. Posjete pederi rodiliste i vide
da sva djeca placu samo se njihov mali smijulji.
"Gle, sve bebe placu, samo se nas sin smije, zar to nije super?"
Na to ce sestra: "Nemojte se previse veseliti. Trebate ga cuti kad mu
izvadim dudu iz guzice."

Izasle dvije mumije iz piramide u Visokom i kaze jedna:
- Ma, je l' ovdje vrijeme islo unaprijed ili unazad...?

Sjedi stari Mujo u kafani i mrmlja nekom mladicu pored sebe: - Vidis onaj
most napolju? Ja sam ga golim rukama izgradio i puno krvi i znoja sam
prolio, ali me ovo selo ne zove "Mujo inzenjer"!
Popije jos malo piva, pa nastavi: - Vidis ovo naselje? Sve sam kuce ovdje
ja izgradio, ali me u ovom selu nitko ne zove "Mujo zidar"!
Popije sad malo rakije, pa kaze: - Vidis onu livadu? Bila je puna mina i ja
sam je sam prekopao i sve mine uklonio da bi cijelo selo moglo bez straha
preko nje da ide, ali me nitko danas ne zove "Mujo ratni heroj".
Popije zadnju rakiju i procjedi: - Ali kad sam samo jednu ovcu naguzio...

Raspravljali Svicarac, Slovenac i Bosanac o dostignucima u genetickom
inzenjeringu.
Svicarac: Mi spojili pcelu i kravu, pa sad imamo kravu koja daje med i mlijeko!
Slovenac: Mi spojili breskvu i grozdje, pa sad imamo grozdje ciji je jedan
bob velik k'o breskva!
Bosanac: Mi spojili buhu i krijesnicu, pa sad celo Sarajevo svetli!

P: Koji je mail od madjarske sove?
O: hu@hu.hu



Clicky linky
============

- What shapes can cigarette smoke produce?
http://www.herbrich.com/
- If you're REALLY bored:
http://www.penistypes.com/
- To find out what's a "pocket rocket", visit this educational page:
http://www.dirtyslang.com/
- Just to let you know that it exists (but I don't recommend visiting):
http://www.spamradio.com/



Let's start off with education:
===============================
About Cucumbers
---------------
1) The average cucumber is 8-14 inches long.
2) It stays hard for up to 2 weeks
3) It never finishes before you do.
4) You can comparison shop before committing.
5) They come with rippled, smooth and bumpy skin. Your choice!
6) When it gets soft, getting a replacement or two is expected.
7) You can eat it and swallow without worrying about your reputation.
8) A cucumber doesn't care what/who you've been with in the past.
9) It doesn't suffer from "Produce Envy".
10) If too small, you can get another one with no hurt feelings.

Men's Thoughts During Love Making
---------------------------------
*Kissing/Light Petting*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before
your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath - ewwww!"
*Undressing*
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
*Foreplay/Oral Sex*
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums,
I'm going to kill him."
*Penetration*
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
*Your Orgasm*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this
performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here),
yes!"
*Post-coital Bliss*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue
take me to that females-only dance club after all."

Wisdom comes with age
=====================
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the
Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can
still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try", she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in
the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her
head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?", he asked.
"Well", she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could just drop it in!"

A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple
finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has
intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and
I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Oldies are (still) Goldies...
=============================
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so
far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and
her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor
lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get
him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again", the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you
are the father of two children."
"That's what you think", said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of
THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "Yeah... That's what YOU think."

Little Games with Words
=======================
A man is in the garden, when a ladder comes down from the Heavens. He hears
an unearthly voice saying: "Climb the ladder to success".
So, he goes up and, after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing
on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to
success." He thinks about it, but decides he'd rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side.
"Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides
it's not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next
landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but
realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are
increasing in number as he climbs the ladder.
So, he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top. Theres a young man sitting
there: "Hi, I'm Cess."
(Note: In case someone didn't get it, "success" sounds very much like
"suck Cess")

David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How
is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex", David replies.
"What kind of issues?", the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."

Joke-box
========
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain't horny; I'm homesick."

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
"He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let
him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand
between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
(Note: "There was a virgin..." => this is turning into a fairytales list)

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he
happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a
sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and
walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know, mate, back home, we shear
those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody
sharing this with no one!"

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married", she told him.
So, he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On
their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some
bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back
to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John", she said, "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my
eyes!"

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of First Grade!"
The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my
mother!"

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb
onto the examining table.
"Doctor", she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right", said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You
get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've
undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?", answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of
mine!"

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When
they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new
partner and said:
"Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years... I wonder how the girls
are doing?"

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his
throat asked: "Ummmm... errr... which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman
tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through
the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little
man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well", squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my
dog just killed it, sir."
"What?", roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog
do you have?"
"Sir", answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female
puppy."
"Bull!", roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
MORAL: All violence comes from fear...

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?", the
suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't", the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my
shirt off."

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women!"
(Note: Greeks invented sex?!?)

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were
naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for Mr. Right",
he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion", laughed the coed. "I'm just
waiting for Mr. Big."

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95
years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and
some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man,
because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the
main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally
managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to
you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God", said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for
75 years... I thought he meant his money!"

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The
counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds: "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires: "Is that true?"
The husband replies: "Well, not exactly. It's she who suffers not me."

Q: What do submarines and computers have in common?
A: The stupidest thing you could do is install windows on it.


Znam da su neki od ovih viceva stari ali nije mi se baš dalo probirati.

Htio bih se po tko zna koji put (sigurno nije bilo dovoljno do sada) ispričati jednom divnom crnom anđelu zbog piljenja tokom praznika i zahvaliti joj se na strpljivosti. Nadam se da ću uskoro imati priliku i u lice to reći i ponizno moliti oprost... @>->--
- 12:23 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

29.05.2006., ponedjeljak

OPET ZJEZANCIJA

Stoje dva Crnogorca na mostu, kad jedna zena zakoraci preko ograde, skoci u
rijeku i vise ne izroni. Crnogorci zapocnu razgovor:

- Vidju ti ovu zenturacu?

- Vidju.

- Skoci u Moracu.

- Skoci.

- A mi nista.

- Nista.

- Stojimo.

- Stojimo.

- A sto ne sjednemo?



Crnogorska poslovica:

Kad vidis dje jedu i piju, primakni se i pomozi. Kad vidis dje rade, makni
se da ne smetas.



Dosao Crnogorac u Beograd i nasao devojku Beogradjanku. Jedno vece oni
izadju u provod. Kad su se umorili, vrate se u hotel i legnu u krevet, a
Crnogorac okrene ledja i odmah zaspi. Na to ce Beogradjanka:

- Dragi...

- E?

- Mene je moja mama navikla da me pomazi svake noci pred spavanje.

- Kol'ko je sati?

- Sad je 3:20.

A Crnogorac ce:

- E, ako cu ti sad za majku ici, j... mi oca!



Pita inspekcija radnika u crnogorskoj tvornici:

- Koliko ljudi ovde radi?

- Sa shefom: deset.

- A bez shefa?

- A, bogumi, bez shefa: niko!



Crnogorcima ponudjen stolac u Ujedinjenim narodima. Medjutim, iz Crne Gore
stize odgovor:

- Ako nema kreveta, onda nista!



Objavili Crnogorci rat Kinezima i skupili se na jednom mestu da malo
porazgovaraju. Jedan Crnogorac pita:

- A dje je ta Kina?

Drugi odgovara:

- To je tamo daleko, iza sedam mora i sedam gora.

- A kol'ko nji' ima?

- Oko dvije milijarde.

- A dje da sahranimo tol'ki narod?



Ulazi turist sa zenom u kavanu u Crnoj Gori i zove konobara:

- Molim vas, dvije kave, jednu gorcu i jednu sladju.

- E, jado, nemam ti ja dzezvu na pregrade.



Napunio Crnogorac 18 godina i od oca dobio pistolj. Ali, on nece pistolj
nego hoce Rolex.

- A sto ti je to, jado, roleks? - upita otac.

- To ti je, babo, lijep sat.

- Kakav te sat spopao kad znas da je kod nas u tradiciju da se dobije
pistolj?!

- Ja necu pistolj, jer mi on ne treba. Hocu sat.

- Hoces da ti ja objasnim zasto ti treba pistolj? Kad se sjutra ozenis i
uhvatis zenu u krevetu s drugim, hoceý li potegnut pistolj il' gledat na
sat da li je isteklo vrijeme?



Setaju Crnogorac i sestra njegovog najboljeg druga. Cim su zasli za neku
ogradu, kaze ona:

- Ja se bojim da ces ti mene silovati!

- Ma sta ti pada na pamet, odakle ti to?! - brani se on.

Posle nekog vremena, opet ce ona:

- Ti ces mene najposle silovati, osecam ja to!

Ovaj se ubi od objasnjavanja da mu to nije ni na kraj pameti. Posle desetak
metara, zaustavi se ona i kaze:

- Znas sta: ajde ti mene lepo siluj pa da se ja vise ne bojim!



Dosao Crnogorac u Zagreb i pita:

- Ko vam je ovo?

Hrvat odgovori:

- Ban Jelacic.

A Crnogorac ce:

- Dobro, a koji ga ovo junak jashe?



Takmicenje u gadjanju puskom: Srbin sa pet metaka pogodi cetiri goluba, a
Bosanac samo tri. Crnogorac gadja, gadja, ali ni jednog da pogodi. Kaze
Crnogorac:

- Vidju Djav'la! Mrtav, a leti?!



Ozeni se Crnogorac Madjaricom u Novom Sadu. Prve bracne noci skinu se oni,
a Crnogorac pocne da se igra s obe njene bradavice.

- Sta to radis? - upita ga Madjarica.

- Evo, vala, trazim ti Radio Podgoricu - odgovori joj Crnogorac.

- Sa tom tvojom antenom, tesko da ces i Beograd uhvatiti.



Stoji Crnogorac u svom dvoristu, a ulicom ide neki klinac. Tek ce Crnogorac
njemu:

- Mali, dodji ovamo!

- Izvolite, ciko!

- Vidju, je li mi otkopcan slic?

- Nije, ciko!

- A, nista... Onda cu sjutra da idem u WC!



Davi se covjek u rijeci i zapomaze na engleskom:

- Help me! Help me!

Prolazi Crnogorac preko mosta, vidi i cuje davljenika, pa mu dobaci:

- E, jado, bolje da si ucio da plivas, nego engleski!



Pita Crvenkapica baku:

- Bako, bako, a zasto su ti tako velike usi i nos. I zasto imas brkove?

- E, to ti je zato, unuko moja, sto sam ja Crnogorka.



Ozeni se Crnogorac Vojvodjankom. Poslije tri mjeseca, ona zatrazi razvod braka.

- Zasto se razvodite? - pita je sudija nasamo.

- Tri meseca me nije ni pipnuo!

- Saslusacemo i vaseg muza - odgovori sudija i pozove Crnogorca u sudnicu.

- Da li je tacno da tri meseca posle vencanja niste pipnuli svoju suprugu?

A Crnogorac odgovori:

- Nijesam znao da je tako hitno!



Dva Crnogorca opljackala banku usred Podgorice. S torbama punim deviza
sakriju se u tajno skroviste i onako iznemogli sjednu da se odmore od bjezanja.

- Olimo li brojat ovije novce? - pita prvi.

- Sto cemo brojat? Citat cemo sjutra u "Pobjedu"!



Davio se jedan covjek i vikao da ne zna plivati i da mu treba pomoc. A
Crnogorac mu odgovori:

- Ne znam ni ja da plivam, pa ne vicem!



Dodje jedna crnogorska delegacija u Peking da posreduje u sukobu koji je
izbio izmedju Kine i Rusije. Primi ih Mao Ce-tung, predsjednik Kine, i
upita sto zele. Vodja delegacije mu objasni da su dosli da posreduju u
sklapanju mira izmedju Kine i Rusije, te obeca pomoc Crne Gore Kini. Mao
Ce-tung ih upita:

- Koliko vas ima?

Crnogorac odgovori da Crnogoraca ima oko 500.000. Na to ih Mao Ce-tung upita:

- A u kojem ste hotelu odsjeli?



Skupljao Crnogorac puzeve i za cijeli dan rada donio samo jednog. Pitaju ga
sta je, pobogu, radio cijeli dan kad je samo to nakupio a on ce:

- U, co'ce, sto ti je to nezgodna zivotinja: to skace, to trci, to bezi! Da
se ovaj ne saplete, ni njega ne u'vatih!



Sleti auto s puta, provali u kucu - pravo u kuhinju, gdje Crnogorac sjedi
za doruckom. Crnogorac se mirno okrene pa kaze:

- Dje ceý, jadan?

A ovaj ce:

- Ma, za Sarajevo...

Crnogorac objasni:

- Levo kroz hodnik, pa pravo... Samo nemoj trubit, djeca spavaju.



Vode Crnogorac i Crnogorka ljubav i ona sva raspomamljena kaze:

- Kazi mi nesto prljavo.

- Prljav ti sporet, prljavo kupatilo, a i ti se nijesi od nedjelje kupala.



Pitali Crnogorca da li zna da svira violinu, a on kaýe:

- Nijesam proba, al' znam sigurno.



Dodje Crnogorac poslom u Beograd, pa ode u hotel. Posto je bio dokon,
naruci zensku. Cim se ona pojavila na vratima, on odmah skoci na nju.
Devojka se pobuni:

- Sta ti je, covece? Daj, bre, unesi malo romantike!

Pita Crnogorac:

- Pa kako?

Ona mu pocne objasnjavati:

- Udji u kupatilo...

On poslusa i upita:

- A sto sad?

- Ukljuci tus - kao da pada kisa...

Crnogorac poslusa i ponovo upita:

- A sto sad?

- Sad pusti toplu vodu; to ti je kao da se gomilaju oblaci...

- A sto sad?

- Sad lupaj vratima kao da gromovi udaraju...

- A sto sad?

- Sad pali i gasi svetlo, kao da munje sevaju.

- A sto sad?

A ona ce:

- E, sad mozes!

A Crnogorac ce na to:

- Ama, kako cu po ovom kijametu, oca mu?!

(Op.a. Cudna neka romantika)



Vraca se Crnogorac sa nekog europskog sastanka na Lovcen da isprica
ostalima kako je bilo i sta ima novo u Europi:

- Eto, vala, u Evropi nista novo, nego smo pili nesto sto se zove kafa.

Ostali ga upitaju:

- A jesi li znao da pijes to? Da nas nijesi obrukao?

- Ne, vala, svi su popili jedva po jednu, a ja dvije, i to ukap!



Dodje Crnogorac u Beograd, usje u tramvaj i vidi putnike kako stoje i drze
se. Spusti on kofer, uhvati se za sipku i kaze:

- Puscaj, narode, sada ja drzim; ne boj se!



Ozenio se Crnogorac mladom Srpkinjom. Ona navikla da puno radi, iz dobre
familije.

Prvi dan kada je dosla u kucu, ona uzme cetku i prekreci sve zidove.
Medjutim, kako je cetka bila velika, nije mogla okreciti i coskove. Posto
je svekar spavao, a kao svaki stari Crnogorac imao brkove, snajka mu
skarama odsijece brkove, napravi cetkicu i okreci coskove.

Sutradan se mladozenja vrati s posla, kad vidi oca kako sjedi na grani od
drveta ispred kuce. Pita ga on:

- Tajo, jadan, sto ti je? Sto si se popeo na drvo?

A otac ce njemu:

- Znas, sine, tvoja zena mi juce odsijece brkove da napravi cetkicu da bi
okrecila coskove. Danas pravi palacinke, a u kuci nema jaja!

(Op.a. Ma, kako se to mladozenja (Crnogorac) "vrati s POSLA"?!?)



Pricaju dva Crnogorca. Prvi kaze:

- Idem ti ja pre neki dan kad vidim, jado moj, dje desetorica biju jednoga.
Ja da l' da se umijesam, da l' da se ne umijesam, da l' da se umijesam,
da l' da se ne umijesam...

- Ma, dobro, co'ce, da l' se umijesa?!

- Ma umijesah se! Ubismo ga!



Imao pilot nesrecu: avion mu se srusio u nekoj zabiti u Crnoj Gori. Ugleda
on svjetlo jedne kuce na brdu i podje prema njoj. Zakuca na vrata, ali
nitko mu ne odgovori. Zakuca i drugi put, ali opet nista. Udje on u kucu i
vidi muza i zenu kako leze jedno pored drugog u krevetu i gledaju ga. On im
objasni sta mu se desilo i upita:

- Mogu li da dobijem nesto za jelo, posto sam jako gladan?

Njih dvoje ga samo blijedo gledaju i ne daju mu nikakav odgovor. On ponovi
pitanje, ali opet ne dobije odgovor, pa se sam posluzi i najede. Posto se
htio i okupati, on ih opet upita smije li, ali ne dobije odgovor. Ode on i
okupa se. Posto je vidio da samo sute, on skoci na Crnogorku, zavrsi posao
i ode.

Kad je otisao, Crnogorka upita muza:

- Vidju li ti, co'ce, sta meni ovaj uradi, a ti nista?!

A Crnogorac ce:

- Prva si progovorila: ti gasis svetlo!



Pitaju Crnogorca koliko je 2+2, a Crnogorac ce:

- A, bogumi, mnogo!



Dobio Crnogorac pozivnicu za proslavu 20 godina mature. Otvara je, cita i kaze:

- A dje me nadje sad, usred ispitnog roka!



Crnogorka zasla u deseti mesec trudnoce i nikako da se porodi. Okupila se
sva rodbina da podstakne porođaj.

Dodje tata i kaze:

- Ajde, sine, izadji, kupice ti tata mercedes.

Medjutim, nista se ne desi. Dodje stric, obeca jahtu - ali nista. Svi se
izredali sa obecanjima, ali mali nikako da se oglasi, a kamoli da izadje.
Dodje na kraju djed i kaze:

- Ajde, sine, izadji bices djeneral.

A iz stomaka se zacuje:

- A je l' u penziji?



Pitanja i odgovori
==================

P: Koje su bile posljednje Isusove rijeci koje je uputio Crnogorcima?
O: Ne radite nista dok se ne vratim!

P: Zasto Crnogorac nosi stakleni stap?
O: Da se ne saginje kad mu padne.

P: Sta za Crnogorca znaci poslovica: "Nikad nije kasno"?
O: Uvijek je rano, jado, uvijek!

P: Sto je najveca kletva za Crnogorca?
O: Da bog da ti sin zeta u kucu doveo!

P: Kako Crnogorac pise epitaf svojoj zeni?
O: "Odje lezi moja zena, a ja u miru pocivam kod kuce."

P: Kad Crnogorci rade?
O: Petkom, na pripremama odmora za vikend!

P: Tko pobijedi kada se Crnogorac i Bosanac utrkuju na 100 metara?
O: Nitko! Crnogorac se umori i odustane poslije 20 metara, okrene se da
vidi gde je Bosanac, a on se vec izgubio.

P: Zaýto Crnogorci vole grupni seks?
O: Zato ýto jedino u njemu mogu da zabuýavaju.

P: Koji je sesti padez kod Crnogoraca?
O: Guslativ.
- 21:23 - Komentari (3) - Isprintaj - #

21.05.2006., nedjelja

FINSKA PRVA NA EUROSONGU!!!

Kao što sam naslov kaže, finski bend Lordi su prvi na Eurosongu! Za slučaj da netko sumnja, smatarm to odličnom vješću! Lordi su zakon! Stvarno mi je drago da su pobjedili! GO LORDI!!! thumbup

Malo statistike:
1. nastup rockera/metalaca na Eurosongu
1. pobjeda rockera/metalaca na Eurosongu
1. pobjeda Finske
novi rekord u broju bodova na Eurosongu

Pa nek ljudi kažu što hoće ali ja smatram da ovo dokazuje njihovu kvalitetu!
- 21:23 - Komentari (3) - Isprintaj - #

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O meni:

rođen 2.5.1988.

upiso MIOC (XV. gimnazija u Zagrebu), informatički smjer 2003. godine, završio 2007.;
2007. upisao FSB (Fakultet strojarstva i brodogradnje) u Zagrebu, studij zrakoplovstva;
od 2007. sam nositelj crnog pojasa iz Tae Kwon Do-a;
od 2009. sam punopravni vitez Reda srebrnog zmaja, sa svim ljepotama koje to donosi;

slušam heavy, gothic, death i black metal i Balaševića;

hobiji su mi izrada chainmailova, amaterska izrada sječiva (mačevi, noževi) i štitova (tower shield sretan, trenutno imam dva - "paradni" - oslika, lagan, samo 7.5 kg & "borbeni" - čisti čelik, malo teži, cca 12 kg zubo), programiranje, web design, ninjitsu, podučavanje Tae Kwon Do-a, srednjovjekovno europsko mačevanje (longsword, mmmm);

volim jest (pogotovo kad draga kuha njamifino, napucah 15ak kila u prvih godinu dana veze), pit, spavat, visit na kompu i mrak ali prvensveno svoju dragu i sve aktivnosti vezane za nju cerek

najdraže životinje su mi zmajevi a što se tiče svakodnevnih, sve su mi drage, svaka na svoj način, iako, psi ipak drže prvo mjesto (a među njima je na prvom mjestu, naravno, naša umiljata hrpa dlaka smijeh);

mrzim kriminal namcor;



Ako mi se želite javiti: nevensego@gmail.com