Kao što naslov kaže, moram vas razočarati, i dalje sam ovdje. Nisam pisao jer sam guštao na moru! Uglavnom, evo nove ture vicefa:
Bajka u izvedbi moderne Amazonke
================================
Nekada davno
u nekoj dalekoj zemlji,
lijepa, nezavisna, samopouzdana princeza,
naletjela je na zabu dok je sjedila
na obali nezagadjene bare,
na zelenoj poljani blizu svog zamka,
razmatrajuci ekoloska pitanja.
Zaba je uskocila u princezino krilo
i rekla:
"Elegantna Damo,
ja sam jednom bio naocit princ,
sve dok me zla vjestica nije zacarala.
Medjutim, jedan tvoj poljubac,
ce me ponovo pretvoriti u
lijepog i mladog princa, sto ja i jesam,
i tada, moja draga, mi cemo se vjencati
i osnovati obitelj u tvom zamku
s mojom majkom,
gdje ces mi ti kuhati,
radjati moju djecu,
prati moju prljavu odjecu,
i pritom osjecati
vjecnu zahvalnost i srecu za to."
I te noci,
dok je princeza raskosno vecerala
lagano przene zablje batake
zacinjene bijelim vinom
u krem umaku od bijelog luka,
tiho se osmjehnula i pomislila:
"Pa, ne bih bas rekla..."
(Op.a: Da li je ovo kanibalska bajka?)
Vicovlje, mijesano
==================
Ciao, Haso! - pozdravi Mujo u prolazu.
Ciao! - otpozdravi Haso i pocne razmisljati: "Sta mu to znaci 'Ciao'? To mu
dodje kao mijao kako se javlja moj macak, macak pije mlijeko, mlijeko daje
krava, krava ima rogove,... Jebo majku, rece mi da sam rogonja!?"
Ode crnogorski arhitekt kod talijanskog arhitekta u Italiju. Vidi Crnogorac
Talijana sa dve kuce, tri auta, pet mobilnih, itd.
Pita Crnogorac: - Kako si, bre, napravio ovo bogatstvo?
Na to ce Talijan: - Vidis li onaj most?
- Vidim - kaze Crnogorac.
- Taj most je trebao biti 120m x 25m a ja ga napravio 120m x 22m pa od
ta 3 metra napravio ovo bogatstvo.
Dodje sljedece godine Italijan u Crnu Goru, pa vidi Crnogorca sa 5 hotela,
svugde vile, vozi Ferrari pa pita Crnogorca:
- A odakle tebi sve ovo?
- Vidis li onaj most?
Talijan odgovori:
- Ne!!!
Na to ce Crnogorac:
- E tu je trebao biti most!
Penzioner mora napraviti spermogram i da mu doktor flasicu da ju odnese
doma i donese napunjenu.
Vrati se sutra penzioner sa praznom flasicom.
- Pa, dobro, jesam li vam rekao da ju trebate napuniti?!
- Je, gospon doktor, probao sam i lijevom i desnom rukom, pa je probala
zena s obje ruke, pa i ustima. Cak je i skinula gebis, ali ne ide.
Probala je i susjeda s obje ruke i nista.
Vjerujte mi, nema ni teoretske sanse da otvorimo ovu flasicu...
Dodje casna sestra kod doktora te se pozali na mucninu, povracanje...
Doktor ju uputi da izvadi krv...
- Precasna, vasi testovi su pokazali da ste trudni!
Na to ce ona:
- Nije moguce, ne, ne, nisam, nisam...
Nekako ju doktor uvjeri i ona ode. Dosavsi u crkvu, postavi u red sve
svecenike i vikne:
- DA JA SAD CUJEM 'KO JE DRKAO PO SVIJECAMA?!
Ulazi Mujo u ducan i obraca se prodavacici: "Dajte mi jedan papir za
straznjicu."
"Izvolite, ali ne kaze se 'za straznjicu', nego toaletni papir."
"Dobro, i dajte mi jedan sapun."
"Toaletni?"
"Ma ne, za lice!"
Odlucila dva pedera da dobiju dijete. Nasli su rodilju, pomijesali spermu,
dali ju za umjetnu oplodnju i rodi se sin. Posjete pederi rodiliste i vide
da sva djeca placu samo se njihov mali smijulji.
"Gle, sve bebe placu, samo se nas sin smije, zar to nije super?"
Na to ce sestra: "Nemojte se previse veseliti. Trebate ga cuti kad mu
izvadim dudu iz guzice."
Izasle dvije mumije iz piramide u Visokom i kaze jedna:
- Ma, je l' ovdje vrijeme islo unaprijed ili unazad...?
Sjedi stari Mujo u kafani i mrmlja nekom mladicu pored sebe: - Vidis onaj
most napolju? Ja sam ga golim rukama izgradio i puno krvi i znoja sam
prolio, ali me ovo selo ne zove "Mujo inzenjer"!
Popije jos malo piva, pa nastavi: - Vidis ovo naselje? Sve sam kuce ovdje
ja izgradio, ali me u ovom selu nitko ne zove "Mujo zidar"!
Popije sad malo rakije, pa kaze: - Vidis onu livadu? Bila je puna mina i ja
sam je sam prekopao i sve mine uklonio da bi cijelo selo moglo bez straha
preko nje da ide, ali me nitko danas ne zove "Mujo ratni heroj".
Popije zadnju rakiju i procjedi: - Ali kad sam samo jednu ovcu naguzio...
Raspravljali Svicarac, Slovenac i Bosanac o dostignucima u genetickom
inzenjeringu.
Svicarac: Mi spojili pcelu i kravu, pa sad imamo kravu koja daje med i mlijeko!
Slovenac: Mi spojili breskvu i grozdje, pa sad imamo grozdje ciji je jedan
bob velik k'o breskva!
Bosanac: Mi spojili buhu i krijesnicu, pa sad celo Sarajevo svetli!
P: Koji je mail od madjarske sove?
O: hu@hu.hu
Clicky linky
============
- What shapes can cigarette smoke produce?
http://www.herbrich.com/
- If you're REALLY bored:
http://www.penistypes.com/
- To find out what's a "pocket rocket", visit this educational page:
http://www.dirtyslang.com/
- Just to let you know that it exists (but I don't recommend visiting):
http://www.spamradio.com/
Let's start off with education:
===============================
About Cucumbers
---------------
1) The average cucumber is 8-14 inches long.
2) It stays hard for up to 2 weeks
3) It never finishes before you do.
4) You can comparison shop before committing.
5) They come with rippled, smooth and bumpy skin. Your choice!
6) When it gets soft, getting a replacement or two is expected.
7) You can eat it and swallow without worrying about your reputation.
8) A cucumber doesn't care what/who you've been with in the past.
9) It doesn't suffer from "Produce Envy".
10) If too small, you can get another one with no hurt feelings.
Men's Thoughts During Love Making
---------------------------------
*Kissing/Light Petting*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before
your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath - ewwww!"
*Undressing*
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
*Foreplay/Oral Sex*
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums,
I'm going to kill him."
*Penetration*
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
*Your Orgasm*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this
performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here),
yes!"
*Post-coital Bliss*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue
take me to that females-only dance club after all."
Wisdom comes with age
=====================
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the
Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can
still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try", she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in
the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her
head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?", he asked.
"Well", she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could just drop it in!"
A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple
finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has
intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and
I get $43 back from Medicare!"
Oldies are (still) Goldies...
=============================
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so
far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and
her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor
lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get
him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again", the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you
are the father of two children."
"That's what you think", said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of
THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "Yeah... That's what YOU think."
Little Games with Words
=======================
A man is in the garden, when a ladder comes down from the Heavens. He hears
an unearthly voice saying: "Climb the ladder to success".
So, he goes up and, after a while, there's a really ugly woman on a landing
on the side of the ladder. She says to him: "Fuck me or climb the ladder to
success." He thinks about it, but decides he'd rather have success.
He goes up, and sees two quite nice women sitting on a landing on the side.
"Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but decides
it's not worth it.
He goes up again, and there are three really beautiful women on the next
landing. "Fuck us or climb the ladder to success." He thinks about it, but
realises that the women are getting much more beautiful, younger, and are
increasing in number as he climbs the ladder.
So, he climbs the ladder, and reaches the top. Theres a young man sitting
there: "Hi, I'm Cess."
(Note: In case someone didn't get it, "success" sounds very much like
"suck Cess")
David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How
is your sex life?"
"I have a lot of issues with sex", David replies.
"What kind of issues?", the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."
Joke-box
========
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain't horny; I'm homesick."
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
"He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let
him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand
between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
(Note: "There was a virgin..." => this is turning into a fairytales list)
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he
happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a
sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and
walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know, mate, back home, we shear
those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody
sharing this with no one!"
John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married", she told him.
So, he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On
their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some
bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back
to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John", she said, "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my
eyes!"
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of First Grade!"
The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my
mother!"
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb
onto the examining table.
"Doctor", she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right", said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You
get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've
undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?", answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of
mine!"
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When
they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new
partner and said:
"Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years... I wonder how the girls
are doing?"
A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his
throat asked: "Ummmm... errr... which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman
tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through
the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little
man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well", squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my
dog just killed it, sir."
"What?", roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog
do you have?"
"Sir", answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female
puppy."
"Bull!", roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
MORAL: All violence comes from fear...
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?", the
suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't", the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my
shirt off."
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women!"
(Note: Greeks invented sex?!?)
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were
naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for Mr. Right",
he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion", laughed the coed. "I'm just
waiting for Mr. Big."
Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95
years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and
some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man,
because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the
main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally
managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to
you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God", said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for
75 years... I thought he meant his money!"
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The
counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds: "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires: "Is that true?"
The husband replies: "Well, not exactly. It's she who suffers not me."
Q: What do submarines and computers have in common?
A: The stupidest thing you could do is install windows on it.
Znam da su neki od ovih viceva stari ali nije mi se baš dalo probirati.
Htio bih se po tko zna koji put (sigurno nije bilo dovoljno do sada) ispričati jednom divnom crnom anđelu zbog piljenja tokom praznika i zahvaliti joj se na strpljivosti. Nadam se da ću uskoro imati priliku i u lice to reći i ponizno moliti oprost... @>->--
Post je objavljen 16.08.2006. u 12:23 sati.