Imah nešto problema pa ne mogah na svoj ni druge blogove (za slučaj da se neko pito zašto ne postam nit komentiram).
A Chicken Cake Recipe
=====================
Tender Chicken 1
Banana 1
Legs 2
Nuts 2
Breasts 2
Cherry 1
Take tender chicken in your arms. Take two handful of breasts and hold gently.
Take two legs, spread apart. Drop in banana.
Stir until good and hot. Increase motion until banana creams, cherry pops,
and nuts explode.
If cake rises, leave town.
Quotes
======
Vi..ra (pills against impotency) is the work of the Devil. Now we girls can
look forward to having sex with really old guys, for a really long time. I
can see it now. He's screaming, 'Who's your granddaddy, who's your
granddaddy? I can't remember. What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?'"
-- Le Maire
My aunt asked me, 'You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?'
I said: 'No, I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army.'
-- Bob Smith
I hate marriage counselors! This is the biggest scam in the world. Someone
figured out a way that women can do the things they love best at the same
time: talk and spend money!
-- Damon Wayans
Educational
===========
Consider the similarities between Santa Claus and UNIX administrators:
- Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
- When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted
are infinitesimal.
- Santa seldom answers your mail.
- When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he has, he says:
"Elves make it for me."
- Santa does not care about your deadlines.
- Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves.
- Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
- Santa laughs entirely too much.
- Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
- Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
One of the oldest educational stories out there (on the Internet):
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One
day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the
farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he
had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new Z23- series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he had time to save his friends's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny beemer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid
of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a
moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingie" and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him out, saving his life.
Moral: When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly decided to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a
barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and
crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted
his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat
came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
Morals of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep
your mouth shut.
Historycal
==========
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women!", she charged.
"You're being unreasonable", Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by
someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?", Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs.", said Eve.
Joke box
========
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him
about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me", he
said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?", he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"GOOD", shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T!"
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther: "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got
pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob: "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says: "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely
restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and
still is.
The husband says, "We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years,
but there is something I have been meaning to ask you."
"Yes, dear, anything you want", replies the wife.
"Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been
married for so long nothing can change that."
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
"I have been unfaithful three times", she says. "Remember when you were
going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of
the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the
bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first
time."
"I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself
to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?", he asks.
"The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special
surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?", she said.
"Again, I am shocked, but I love you even more because you did it for me.
You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time."
"Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes
short...?"
At the nursery, the sales clerk said,
"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We don't carry
them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted geranium?"
"No", replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my wife
told
me to water while she was gone."
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and
he discovers that she has crabs.
The doctor thinks to himself, "How am I going to tell the senator that she
has crabs?"
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.
Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.
She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says, "What?"
He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs
in your oval office!"
Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he
could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about
his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.
He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at
the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and
nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy.
Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and
crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"
All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension
appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She
committed suicide!"
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, $150.00 for a cut and color,
$30.00 for a manicure, $40.00 for a pedicure, $50.00 on vitamins, $300.00
on clothes and $600.00 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it
to look pretty for me.
I told her that's what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back...
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?", asked someone from the back of the audience.
"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time."
"Hon", I suggested, "Why don't you try carrying several things at
once?"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied: "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get
my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
- I can't believe how boring my life has become.
- What do you mean?
- The only time I hear myself say "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell
my cat I'm getting her food ready...
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a
Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big
residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird
would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of
their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but
both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the
house, and very precisely the parrot spoke: "black, black, black."
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up:
"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she
recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear
under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and
proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his
perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said:
"Straight, Straight, Curly!"
There was this construction worker on the third floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it
himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for
him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a
sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I"), then pointed at his knees
(meaning "need") and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement
of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the third floor got ticked-off and ran down to the ground and
started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed
a hand saw!"
The other guy replied: "I know. I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are walking down the street and on the
way pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes, I am."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medication for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, sclerosis?"
The pharmacist says: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Then how about /1A6RA?"
Pharmacist: "That, too."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems? Arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety - the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol and antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely! All that."
Jacob: "And do you sell wheelchairs and walkers, too?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Good; we'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts. We're getting married."
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed", she declared, "just as I do at the
dinner
table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?", he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes", replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling", the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind
as
to please pass the pussy?"
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature,
had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had
never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his overly
cautious, slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore", she told him. "Let's play a game. For every
5
miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of
clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark,
so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra
and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and
traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost
control of the car.
He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a
tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to
pull him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help", he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!", she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to use this to cover up", he told her as he tossed the shoe.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he
pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies:
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."
"The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist", reported the girl.
"You mean literally? Whips and that sort of thing?", asked her roommate.
"Worst than that! The creep screwed me with a four inch penis and then
French kissed me good bye with an eight inch tongue!"
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."
"Damn!", says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast!", says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!", laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's
in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
A blonde woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about
condoms. She answered:
"Well, that depends on what's in it for me."
Three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, decide to
join a particular church. All three couples approach the priest and tell
him of their wishes.
"Of course we would love to have you all as new members!" He adds:
"However, first you must all prove your devotion to G~d by abstaining from
sex for one week."
All of the couples agree to these terms and go home.
The next Sunday the priest approaches them.
"So", he says to the elderly couple, "How did it go?"
The man answers, "It was a cakewalk!"
The priest congratulates them and asks the same question of the middle-aged
couple.
"Well, I can't say that it was easy, I've had to sleep on the sofa these
last few nights, but we made it!"
The priest congratulates the couple and turns to the newlyweds.
"So", he asks, "how did you guys fare?"
"Well the first night wasn't too bad, I slept with my back to her, the
second night I had to go sleep on the couch, on the third I slept in my car
and the on the fourth I stayed at the office. But on the day of the fifth,
I was watching my wife get a can of peaches off the top shelf and her legs
looked so good, then she dropped the can and when she bent over to get it,
it was more than i could take. I lifted her skirt and banged her right then
and there!"
"Well, son, while I can completely sympathize with you, I am afraid you are
no longer welcome here."
"Yeah, that's exactly what the manager at that grocery store told me!", the
man replied.
Isaac was sitting at a table in his favorite restaurant when he called over
his waiter.
"Yes?", asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?", asked Isaac.
"Why do you ask?", replied the waiter.
"Because, I was expecting a much older man by now", replied Isaac.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who
could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old
physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and
told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.
The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which
if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had
to do to be cured, was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at
length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the
situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a
single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause...
The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see
with whom she is having sex."
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having
sex."
"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom
she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause one voice asked: "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope replied: "Big tits."
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls it out again and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a
rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He
repeats the procedure. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the
man and says, "Three times you've sneezed,and three times you've removed
your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and replies, "Pepper."
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,
"DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and IIII'm tired
of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all
the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had
sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She
liked it better with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want
you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!"
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you both to the electric chair."
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
|
, trenutno imam dva - "paradni" - oslika, lagan, samo 7.5 kg & "borbeni" - čisti čelik, malo teži, cca 12 kg 
), programiranje, web design, ninjitsu, podučavanje Tae Kwon Do-a, srednjovjekovno europsko mačevanje (longsword, mmmm);
, napucah 15ak kila u prvih godinu dana veze), pit, spavat, visit na kompu i mrak ali prvensveno svoju dragu i sve aktivnosti vezane za nju 
);
;