tachisis diary

petak, 31.07.2009.

War!

Deep down inside we all knew it would come to this. The inevitable tide of war has swept over us, drowning out our mumbles of apathy with cries of manufactured patriotism. I feel like I've been dragged kicking and screaming towards this thing. Totally aware of what's to come, totally unable to avoid it.War is upon us, the battle is joined. Sadly, somewhat reluctantly, I utter a prayer to whomever for our victory. Not for any sense of righteousness, but out of a desire to see all of our troops home again, safe and sound. In a perfect world, no one would have to die for my freedom. In a perfect world, no friggin monkey and his cohort of right-wing hypocrites would try to strip me of my freedom in the name of my safety.Damn every bellicose facist dictator who make our slightly-less-fascist, slightly-less-bellicose dictator capable of being elected into office.

četvrtak, 30.07.2009.

Back from break

Sping break was much more subdued this year than it's been in the past. Gone are the days and nights of near-blinding inebriation. No more staggering hangovers. Only moderate public nudity.I just got back from the mountains a few hours ago. Kat and I found a great little cabin on - get this - rebel road. Not that it's really "road" at all... more like a mule trail straight up a mountain, but it worked.We got to hike some of the AT, and we found a little pub that had live mountain music, amazing local draft beer, and at least two dogs that wandered around. All in all, it was pretty cool.Our cabin on rebel road. Yee haw. Someone obviously didn't take too kindly to being told to stop.

srijeda, 29.07.2009.

Desensitized

I'm putting together mix cd's to play while I close the store tonight, and I realize that some of my music is really depressing. But it's fascinating music. Johnny Cash's "Hurt", for example. I would say it was poingnant, if I could spell poignant.I stare at the wall and feel horrified every time I hear Cowboy Bebop's "Green Bird"... It's the song that was playing while Spike was shot, stabbed, and thown out of a church window. His life flashed before his eyes and then he blew up everybody with a grenade. All to the tune of a harmless children's song sung by the Vienna boy's choir. Isn't anime the coolest thing since sliced bread?

utorak, 28.07.2009.

Dreaming last night...

I had to wake up and write this down in the middle of the night. Looking at it now... explains a lot. Apparently I do all my thinking while I'm asleep, which explains why I can't really bring myself to think when I'm awake. In the words of a coworker- "Thinking all the time is so tiring." So this is what I wrote at 4 in the morning:there are two sides of life- there is the true self of life, the majestic wholeness, and there is the thin veneer of conciousness, the membrane coverning the bulk of the thing, the skin of the beast. we see only the skin, we experience only the surface. all thought is merely light on the membrane and all the while life goes quietly on beneath.in a rushing torrent of words we drown it, we trivialize expreience, we corrode the being of self...i was thinking...about the self and free will- it's only when you stop trying to be something you're not and give in to your nature that you are free to do what you want and create, live, love. only by bowing to your nature, your inner destiny, can you attain freedom. there is, therefore, no free will. all will is constrained by the self. any choice that is made is made within the bounds of the self.

ponedjeljak, 27.07.2009.

Bhlarg. *mumble*

I don't know- I guess soI don't sleep, I dream.I'll settle for a cup of coffeeBut you know what I really need.I went to the gym yesterday only to find out that I was 2 hours early for fencing. Instead of leaving, or anything intelligent like that, I hung out with Wes, my coach, and talked about religion and his knee. Woo hoo. Great workout.But Kat made a wonderful dinner, and we went to John's house for his birthday. John is by far the best baker I know, and his brownies are amazing. We watched Yojimbo on DVD, one of my all-time favorite movies.And today was spent doing homework, reviewing finances, and playing counterstrike. Mostly counterstrike. That, and going through old REM albums.I'll be slaving away tonight at the CAJ, if anyone wants to drop by. Not that I'll have the free time to talk or anything, but you could get your daily dose of coffee and nicotine.And I'm starting to get a buildup of nervous energy. I sense a presence, a presence I have not felt since... yes, it's a party. I sense a party coming soon. Much drinking there will be, yes. Let me know if you're in.The other night I dreamt of knives,continental drift divide-mountains sit in a lineLEONARD BERNSTEIN

nedjelja, 26.07.2009.

At Kat's urging

At Kat's urging, I went to fencing last night for the first time in about 8 or 9 months. Quite an experience. Of course, there were a lot of new faces, and since I'm inherently anti-social I just kind of smiled at all the new people. For their part, they were very nice to me, especially since I must have seemed very out of place. Nine months without fencing, and Pashby decides to see if still anywhere near as fast as I was. I'm not. Needless to say that I'm incrediby sore today, but it's a good kind of sore. It hurts to move, especially my legs, but it feels good in a weird sort of sadistic way. Pain, they tell me, is just weakness leaving the body.And as for military aspirations- I feel that there are obligations that people have to fulfill. Some fulfill these obligations by living a good life and having family and getting a job and working and shit. I honestly don't think I can do that. And I don't want to look back in 20 years and think "i really wish i had done something useful"... I'd rather actually do something and leave myself no doubts. But, on the other hand, I'm very conflicted. I don't want to join the military. It's never been a passion of mine to have someone yell at me all the time or restrict my personal freedom. But i do feel obligated, and therein lies the problem. It's just something I have to work out, but I'm not ruling out the possibility.If only fencing was actually a viable and important career. But I think any hope of that died out sometime in the 18th century. Oh well. The future is never set, and I have a short attention span anyway. I'm sure in 6 months from now I'll read this and just laugh.These people round here wear beaten down eyesSunk in smoke dried facesThey're so resigned to what their fate isBut not us (no never), no not us (no never)We are far too young and clever

subota, 25.07.2009.

The last to hear the warning

It's 6 in the morning, and I can't sleep. My brother, it seems, is hell-bent on joining the Marines. The really scary thing is that I'm considering signing up as well.Hence the not sleeping.I don't know what to do. For now I think I'll trudge down to cuppa sludge and continue on with my 48 hour day. At least I don't have to work, and I can take pleasure in that.Be excellent to each other.

petak, 24.07.2009.

It's only a model.

Each evening from December to DecemberBefore you drift to sleep upon your cotThink back on all the tales that you rememberOf CamelotAsk every person if he's heard the storyAnd tell it strong and clear if he has notThat once there was a fleeting wisp of gloryCalled Camelot...Don't let it be forgotThat once there was a spotFor one brief, shining momentThat was known as Camelot

četvrtak, 23.07.2009.

Tonight

Work wasn't too bad, except that I have to do it again, and again, and again. Honestly, I don't know how you people cope. 3 or four days in a row and I'm ready to quit. I don't know what I'd do with a 40-hour work week. Probably just bitch about it, but who knows.I spent the whole day playing chess and reading philosophy. The chess was good.Maybe I'll get to sleep, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll get my homework done, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll wake up, write my resume, send it off, get a great job and then get hit by a bus. Maybe I'll walk into work, quit my job, move to Brasil and study catholicism while moonlighting as a contract killer. Maybe I'll just sleep in late. Who really knows what tomorrow holds?

srijeda, 22.07.2009.

Anatman

Thoughts come quickly, but thankfully go quicker. All of my attempts to write them down fail. It's really a shame, too. Most of theem were really clever. I guess that's the problem. I spend so much effort trying to look deep and meaninngful and clever that I've become pretentious and insincere.My disingenuousness (is that a word?) sort of pisses me off. When I'm stumped trying to be objective, I quote- or more precisely, guess- what others would say. I know my friends hate it, but it's how i cope. So I'm doing that right now. I'll spare you the details.It boils down to this- the more i search for "me", the less I find. Everything about me is the product of something else. Most of it could be cast aside, but I carry on out of nostalga and the need for some semblance of direction or continuity in life. I fear that one day I'll find that there is no "me". Anatman.

ponedjeljak, 20.07.2009.

Nihilist Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You

Nihilist Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by QuizillaHmmm... figures.Good Luck BearLucky you! You are one lucky person. You are not one to worry much about anything, trusting that everything will turn out great on its own. You also realize that you must risk things in life to gain happiness. However, your implusiveness gets you into trouble once in awhile. You spread your good luck to others with encouraging words that help others believe in themselves.Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

nedjelja, 19.07.2009.

It's late...

Christ, I wish I could get to sleep. Work sucked (of course) and it's going to suck even more on Tuesday. Ah, life is grand. Now, if I can only squeeze in a few hours of sleep, I'll be well-rested for the shitty day that is tomorrow.Aren't I the eternal optimist? But seriously, it Monday. I'll come around by the weekend.And Cartoon Network replaced Inuyasha with Reign: The Conqueror. I'm quite pissed about this. Inuyasha was one of the two decent shows that made up the Midnight Run. I could tolerate Yu Yu Hakusho, but seriously, Lupin III and Reign just suck. Maybe I'm bitching about nothing... they're only cartoons, right? Right?I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Perhaps tomorrow will turn out not to suck too bad, and maybe Inuyasha will return someday. In the immortal words of Spike Spiegel- "Whatever happens, happens."

subota, 18.07.2009.

A great man once told me that "personality is what you have when you think no one is watching"

A great man once told me that "personality is what you have when you think no one is watching"... he then walked into my soundproof practice room and smoked half a pack of cigarettes while I tried in vain to play something by Johan De Meij on the trombone.I hope you see what I'm getting at.

petak, 17.07.2009.

Nothing too clever

I like beer, and I like coffee.I seriously doubt beer and coffee spend too much time hanging out together. I'll bet they don't even like each other.I'm like the mutual friend that helps to bring beer and coffee together at a party. They spend the entire night on the couch, glaring at each other, and both call me the next day to bitch.

četvrtak, 16.07.2009.

A new livejournal

Well, I guess this is it. As part of my ongoing campaign of spirtual nudity, I'm setting this thing up. Hope to hell it works right.Spirtual nudity, for those of you who don't know, is an attempt to overcome the wall I've built up around myself... It's the baring of my emotions for all to see. Not that anyone wants to see them, I'll grant you, but they're there all the same.And on that note, I think I'll end this.

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