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SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE

0:0:14 (obiteljski portret)

- Nice! - An ideal family portrait...
Look into the camera, pIease.
Great! How about giving us a smile?
Let's see some happy faces. You too, Mother... Great!
Mind your hair! There we have it.
- That should do it, right? - Yes, l think so.
- We've finished with the girls. - You've been so good!
- Bye-bye! - They were good as gold...
How about some shots of the parents on the sofa?
Lean forward, you're sliding too far back. That's it!
- l'll try and make myself small. - Talk to each other.
Marianne, turn your eyes slightly towards us...
Look as if you were fond of each other... There, like that.
Hold that pose! Great....
- That's it. Thank you very much. - Good!
We'll need some portraits later.
Well then, let's start, shall we?
l always begin with a standard question, to soothe the nerves.
- l'm not particularly nervous. - Good. The question is:
How would you describe yourselves in a few words?
- That's not an easy one. - Not all that difficult, surely?
- l may be misunderstood. - Really?
lt may sound conceited to say l'm highly intelligent, youthful,
successful, sensible, sexy and l care about the world we live in.
l'm educated, well-read and a good mixer. Let's see...
l'm a good friend even to people who are worse off than myself.
l'm good at sports. l'm a good husband and a good son.
l have no debts and l pay my taxes.
l respect our government, no matter what it does.
l love our royal family. l've left the state church.
- Shall l go on? - Please.
- l'm a splendid lover. - Perhaps we can skip that question.
What about you, Marianne?
Well, what shall l say?
l'm married to Johan and l have two daughters...
- That's all l can think of... - Come on, think harder.
- l think Johan is awfully nice... - How kind of you.
- We've been married for 10 years. - We've just renewed our contract.
Unlike Johan, l lack the ability to see myself in such glowing terms,
but in all honesty, l'm glad l'm able to lead the life l do.
lt's a good life, if you know what l mean.
What else? My, this is difficult...
- She has a nice figure. - l'm trying to be serious.
- l have two girls, Karin and Eva. - You've already said that.
How about some personal data? Let's start with your ages.
- l'm 42, but l don't look it. - l'm 35.
Both of us come from obscenely middle-class homes.
- Johan's father is a doctor. - And my mother is the motherly type.
My father is a lawyer.
lt was decided from the outset that l was to be a lawyer too.
l'm the youngest of seven children. Mother ran a big household.
- Nowadays, she takes it easy. - Oh, does she?
Oddly enough, we get on with our parents. We see a lot of each other.
There's never been any friction to speak of.
Let's talk about your professions.
Mine is a bit unusual.
l'm an associate professor at the lnstitute of Psychotechnology.
Family law is my specialty. l belong to a large firm of solicitors.
Most of my work concerns divorce, but the interesting thing is...
Hold that pose!
Take a picture, l want to capture that expression. Good!
- My, l feel so... - lt will pass.
- Tell me, how did you meet? - l'll leave that to Johan.
- Lord, that is interesting! - lt wasn't love at first sight.
We both had a large circle of friends and ran into each other often.
We were also both involved in politics for several years
and we went in for amateur dramatics quite a lot as students.
Well, l can't say we made any deeper impression on each other.
Marianne thought l was stuck-up.
Johan had a rather highly publicized affair with a pop singer...
..which gave him a certain image and made him insufferable.
Marianne was 19.
She was married to a fool whose only saving grace was a rich father.
He was very kind and l was madly in love with him.
Besides, l got pregnant early on in the relationship.
- But how was it that... - That the two of us joined forces?
That was actually Marianne's idea.
My baby died soon after birth
and my husband and l divorced, to our mutual relief.
And Johan's singer had given him his walking papers.
We were both a bit hurt and lonely,
so l suggested making a go of it.
We weren't in love at all, but we were both downhearted.
And then we found out that we got along very well
and we really buckled down to our studies.
We moved in together, a situation our mothers actually took in their stride.
ln fact, they became good friends.
We were accepted as Johan and Marianne.
After six months we got married.
- By then we were in love as well. - Very much so!
- We were seen as an ideal couple. - And that's still the case.
- No complications? - We've never had material worries.
We're on good terms with friends and relations on both sides.
We have good jobs that we enjoy. We're healthy.
And so on, to an almost vulgar degree. Security, order, loyalty...
We're almost indecently lucky.
Naturally, we have our differences, just like other people.
But we agree on all the key issues.
- Don't you ever quarrel? - Marianne does.
Johan is very slow to anger, so l run out of steam.
This all sounds wonderful. All of it.
Only last night someone was saying
that the very lack of problems is a serious problem.
We are well aware that a life like ours can be dangerous.
How do you mean, dangerous?
The world is going to hell. l claim the right to mind my own business.
Live and let live, that's my motto.
lt sickens me to hear about the latest panacea.
- l don't agree with Johan. - So, what's your opinion?
- l believe in compassion. - Please elaborate on that.
lf people learned to care about each other in childhood,
the world would be a different place.
Hold that pose! Look into the camera, please.

0:7:59 (Peter i Katarina)

Listen to this:
''''''Marianne's eyes, blue as an old folk song, are lit up from within.''
When asked how she copes with a job and a household,
she smiles with shy delight
''and replies that she and Johan help each other.'''' That's true.''
''''''We understand each other, she says,''
brightening as Johan sits down beside her on their heirloom sofa.
''He puts a protective arm around her and she snuggles up to him.''''''
- Hey! - This is the best bit!
''''''So l leave, noticing that they seem pleased at the prospect''
that they can once more be alone together.
Two people who have matured: strong, happy and positive.
''People who have never forgotten to give love pride of place''''.''
- We almost died when we read it. - l was going to file a complaint.
But our mothers and our daughters simply loved the article.
What really riles me is that it says nothing about my eyes.
- lsn't there a secret glow in them? - They're more like dark pools.
- Very sexy, actually. - Katarina has a crush on you.
- Johan, will you elope with me? - A change would do Johan good.
He's been so good for 10 years and has never been unfaithful.
Are you sure?
l believe everything Johan says.
- Did you hear that, Katarina? - Johan is a better liar than you.
- But l have no imagination. - That's just it.
- lt makes you a better liar. - Peter tarts up his stories.
At times l really find it touching.
l read your article in TechnicaI Times. Even l could understand it.
- Actually, Katarina wrote it. - Are you that clever?
You see, l was in Germany and they wanted an article on the spot.
So Katarina wrote it and read it to me on the phone.
- But why did it have your by-line? - lt's not discrimination.
- We collaborate. - That's admirable.
You wouldn't say that if you knew the details.
Things are rotten between us. Cheers, Katarina, my poppet!
Cheers...
Does it bother you that l speak freely to Johan and Marianne?
- What is it, Katarina? - Nothing. Nothing at all.
Only Peter can be so damn clumsy sometimes.
Clumsy is the right word...
l take pride in being clumsy... and imaginative.
The funny thing is that according to Katarina,
l am nothing but a spineless jellyfish.
- Jellyfish? Now you're talking. - Let's try to enjoy ourselves now.
Exactly, because we mustn't forget...
l'm making a thank-you speech now.
Bearing in mind that fabulous magazine article
reminding us that we are in a happy home
that we must not soil with emotional rubbish.
Cheers, Marianne!
l may not envy your domestic bliss...
..but l envy your talent as a cook.
No, l really mean that.
l wish Katarina would learn to cook like that.
Katarina is a much better cook.
- Peter says l poison the food. - lt's a standing joke in our house.
- Right, it's obviously a joke. - One that's seen better days.
Well, let's go into the drawing room and have coffee.
Well, Johan, what am l to do?
l've put my foot in it again.
The girls will clear the table.
- lt's all too bloody touching. - What is?
Your marriage.
Johan and Marianne...
lt can move a person to tears.
ln fact, it makes you want to stick a pin into your beautiful balloon.
- So would you? - Cheers to you both!
- lt's been 10 years, right? - We just had our 10th anniversary.
- No skeletons in the cupboard? - You never know.
- Both Johan and l like tidying up. - You hear that, Katarina?
That's where you and l have been remiss... We never clean things up.
But next week l'll call Marianne and make an appointment,
so she can get started on our divorce.
Peter will have changed his mind by the time he's sober.
That's when the calculator starts running.
''This is what he says: ''''l'll agree to a divorce,''
''if Katarina gives up her claim to our assets in Switzerland.''''''
''And my reply is: ''''But it's my money, l've earned it.''''''
Then Peter will say he has multiplied it
and l can have the whole factory.
Then l say, that's nice of you to let me have a factory in ltaly -
that gets more risky with every rise in labour costs.
''- But Katarina, l've said... - ''''Take the whole set-up in Sweden.''
The apartment, the country house, the boat, the car,
''the shares and the premium bonds.'''' lsn't that nice?''
l get all the taxable stuff!
Excuse me for going on about such trivial matters,
but when Peter gets started on assets, l know how drunk he is.
- And the insults aren't far off. - That's what l've said all along.
Katarina is a businessman, with equal stress on both words.
A businessman...
ln addition to which, she's a brilliant artist
and she has an lQ of l don't know what.
She's attractive as well.
She's a paragon, and gift-wrapped to boot.
How l ever got lucky with that monster of perfection is a mystery.
l really think we'll ring for a taxi and go home now.
This can't be pleasant for Johan and Marianne...
No... Johan and Marianne?
They're candy figurines decorated with red ribbons.
Just like the marzipan pigs of our childhood.
lt's good for their moral fibre,
to gaze into the bottomless pits of hell.
August Strindberg
once wrote:
''''''ls there anything more fearsome''
''than a husband and wife who hate each other?''''''
What do you say? Maybe child abuse is even worse.
But then Katarina and l are children.
Deep down, Katarina is a little girl who is crying
because she has fallen down
and no one comforts her.
And l haven't grown up either.
l cry because Katarina can't love me,
in spite of my bad behaviour.
There's one thing to be grateful for.
That there is nothing more hellish than this.
That's why we're ready for a divorce.
Provided you listen to reason.
Provided we simultaneously,
in each other's presence
and in front of reliable witnesses, sign all the papers.
So no one can stiff the other.
- We'll call you up this week. - We have a great business lawyer.
Borglund can help you with the financial arrangements.
What do you say?
Even if we agree on money matters, you'll never let me go.
l'm convinced of that.
You think you're that bloody indispensable, my dear Katarina?
Whatever gave you that idea?
Do tell me... Tell us.
You force me to have sex,
since you can't get it up with other women.
Your need of a guilty conscience knows no bounds.
Now that it's all over with Jan l expect you're in a panic.
You're stuck with old Peter.
He has the right patience.
So you think you're the only one, do you?
How touching...
You think there are no others.
Let me tell you one thing, Peter...
Please excuse me if l'm rather outspoken,
but Peter is asking for it and he needs to be enlightened.
l'll tell you this, Peter...
You nauseate me so much...
..in a physical sense...
that l'd buy myself a lay just to wash you out of my sex organs.
''''''Abide with me, fast falls the eventide''
''The darkness deepens, Lord with me abide...''''''
You son of a bitch!
''''''When other helpers fail and comforts flee''
''Help of the helpless, Oh, abide with me.''''''
Whatever that's supposed to mean...
l hope there won't be any stains on the carpet.
l don't know about liqueur...
Why don't you bill me?
Do as l say!
Would you mind pouring me a cup of coffee?
l'm pretty sloshed.
Forgive us. We don't usually behave like this.
But you're our best friends.
You're our only friends.
Forgive me... Forgive us.
lf you ring for a cab,
l'll take my bacchante home
and we'll finish our little scene.
The finale is usually not suitable for an audience.

0:20:28 (jezici)

- What's the time? - Ten past twelve.
- Thank goodness we got rid of them. - Yes, things got a bit out of hand.
Do you believe it's possible for a couple to be partners for life?
lt's an absurd convention.
Marriage should be a five-year contract.
- Or be subject to annual renewal. - What about us?
No, we're the exception that proves the rule.
- So you think we'll stay together? - What a funny question.
Are you ever sorry you can't sleep with anyone else?
- No, are you? - At times.
- Well, l'll be damned! - lt's a purely theoretical longing.
l wonder if there's something wrong with me, l never feel like that.
- l'm content. - So am l. Now l've got it!
Katarina and Peter go through hell because they don't communicate.
They have to translate everything they mean into a common language.
- l think it's simpler than that. - We understand each other instantly.
We speak the same language, that's why we're doing fine.
l think it's the money.
lf you speak the same language, money is not an issue.
- You and your languages. - l see it all the time at work.
Sometimes it's as if the couple
are talking on bad telephone lines.
Sometimes it's like listening to two pre-programmed tape recorders
and sometimes it's the utter silence of outer space.
- l don't know which is the worst. - l don't know...
Supposing the kids went to day care while we worked shifts at a factory?
- lt wouldn't matter. - l think it would.
lf you speak the same language, it doesn't matter where you are.
That's a romantic view.
Do you think our relationship would suffer if we lived that kind of life?
- Yes, l do. Seriously. - lt would diminish our relationship?
''Regardless of our ''''language''''.''
lsn't the danger of estrangement just as great in the life we lead?
Definitely not.
Hard, tedious labour exposes people to much greater strain.
You're sillier than l thought and you're taking the romantic view.
- We'll see. - What? What will we see?
- l don't know, do you? - Are you teasing me?
- Aren't you hungry? - Yes, terribly.
How about some beer and sandwiches?
Sounds marvellous.

THE ART OF SWEEPlNG MATTERS UNDER THE RUG

0:23:10 (revolucija ugušena pri rođenju)

- Good morning. - Good morning.
- Did you sleep well? - Like a log and you?
Well, l woke up at 5 o'clock and couldn't get back to sleep again.
- Why not? - l got all worked up.
- Should l feel guilty? - No.
For once you're not to blame, dear.
l lay fuming about that wretched Sunday dinner.
We always have Sunday dinner with your parents or mine.
- lt's absurd. - lt's for their sake.
- l'm going to cancel dinner. - Cancel it?
- What will your mother say? - Whatever she damned well likes.
l want to spend Sunday with you and the kids.
- Well, if you can swing that...! - l certainly can!
l'm fed up...
- ls it the curse? - You always say that!
Even if my period's due on Monday, that may not be why l'm edgy.
- What's wrong? - Has it ever struck you
that our life is mapped out and every last second is accounted for?
- But we have our vacations. - They're even more scheduled.
- Aren't you going to wake the girls? - They're sleeping in today.
Karin has the day off from school and Eva has a sore throat.
She needs to come along on Sunday to spare us from nagging!
- You were going to cancel dinner. - l'd rather you did it.
Oh no, l'm not making excuses to your mother!
Aren't you going to call your mother? She's an early bird.
- Didn't we agree you would call? - No, dear.
l'll hold your hand in moral support.
All right, l'll do it...
- My, my heart's pounding! - The first sign of the great revolt.
No answer? What a relief!
Hello. Miss Alm? ls my mother in?
May l have a word with her?
How is your knee, by the way?
Oh, it's not any better?
lt's worse? That's too bad... What does the doctor say?
He's not sympathetic, you say? lt's a sign of the times.
Hello, Mother. How are you?
Now isn't that nice. Has Dad left yet?
Right, he was going to the country.
So you let him go off on his own like that?
Oh, Erik is with him. That's good.
l'm sorry, but there's something l have to tell you...
Exactly, how did you guess?
What reasons do we have?
l simply want to spend Sunday with Johan and the girls.
No, we're not going anywhere.
We just don't want to come over for dinner.
l don't think for a moment that dad was looking forward to Sunday.
lt should be a pleasure and not a duty, right?
Yes, l see. l see.
You hadn't told me that bit of news.
Bored stiff, to be quite honest.
No, forget all about it, Mother.
We'll be there.
Yes, we'll manage. lt's fine.
We're looking forward to it.
Bye for now, Mother dear.
The revolution was smothered at birth.
Aunt Elsa is coming
and she was so looking forward to seeing us.
- She has a present for you. - And Mrs Danielsson is cooking.
- And your dad longed to see us. - Damnation!
l admire your courage all the same. We'll say no another time.
Don't be upset.
- Will you be home for dinner? - No, meet me at the theatre.
Don't you like coming home any more?
My, aren't we in a fine mood today?
l'd love to stay in bed for a week,
so we could just hold each other.
- And we'd both have a good cry. - That's not the life we chose.
lf only l could be sure we chose it and not our mothers.
You're suffering from a maternal persecution complex.
- Did you want a life like this? - No.
What if we started cheating on each other?
What would you do then?
Kill you, of course.
- Sometimes l wish... - What?
Nothing...
- Wait a second, l'll come with you. - Why not take your own car?
We can go home together after the play.
- What about the girls? - l'll ask Miss Andersson to cook.
She makes fabulous pancakes. l'll go wake the girls.
- But l'm in a hurry. - lt'll only take a minute.
While l remember it, please pay your parking tickets.
- There's a whole pile here. - Yes, sir.
l'll see you tonight at the theatre.

0:31:23 (flert)

Hello? Yes, speaking.
Hello, Mother. The line is bad, l didn't recognise your voice.
l'm fine, how are you?
You're worried. Now, why is that?
Marianne's mother called
and she's worried as well, you say.
Good Lord...
No, Marianne and l are doing fine.
We're healthy and cheerful
and ecstatically happy.
Nothing's wrong, l swear!
Don't worry, Mother dear.
Your intuition? lt's led you astray.
Marianne and l are happier than ever.
Tell Marianne's mother
that you should do something more constructive than gossip.
l'm pressed for time, Mother dear.
Yes, l'll see you soon.
We'll pop in on Friday, just like we said. Say hello to dad.
Hell and damnation!
Am l disturbing you?
l just had to see what you're up to. A lot of rumours are floating around.
What is all this mysterious stuff?
- Shouldn't you be in Lund? - That's right.
However the students are demonstrating.
The lectures were cancelled.
- What's this going to be? - Take a look.
- What am l supposed to do? - Hold this pen.
When l put the lights out you'll see a bright dot on the wall.
Try and touch it with the pen.
lf you miss, draw a line to it.
The TV camera will register your efforts.
- But it's dark. - There's infra light.
l'll watch on the monitor outside.
l'll put the lights out now.
Off you go.
Get to it.
- Are you pulling my leg? - No, please continue.
But... lt keeps moving.
lt's not a trick, it's quite still.
l've had enough of this. Turn the lights on.
Well, aren't you cross?
- That was unpleasant... - Yes, it makes people nervous.
Look how you've wandered, getting more and more irritated.
- What does that prove? - That remains to be seen.
- l'd like a cigarette. - Sure. Have a seat.
l gave up smoking six days ago. lt's awful.
- Having withdrawal symptoms? - Stefan is away...
My friends avoid me,
but l'll try and stick it out.
Go on, have one.
That spy Bromeus left some here.
Oh, that's heaven!
- Lord, what bliss! - Well?
Right...
l spent the day reading your poems yesterday. Very carefully.
- They baffled me. - Were they so strange?
That's not it.
Well, l might be wrong...
- Has Marianne read them? - No, she's not interested in poetry.
- She ought to be interested in you. - She is, but not in that way.
Really?
You and l are old friends.
We've never been sexually involved.
You can provide an objective opinion before l try the publishers.
- l shouldn't bother. - Are they that bad?
lt's not that they're bad...
..if only that was the case.
You mean they're mediocre?
They're insipid, neat, and puerile?
That l'm indulging in spiritual masturbation?
Several of us in our set believed you were destined for greatness.
We admired you.
You left us all behind.
We even envied you.
- Does that affect my poetry? - No.
- You read it while craving nicotine. - That's true...
l intend to show them around.
Naturally...
l'll wait until some publishers tell me they're bad.
- You feel offended. - You bet l do!
l'm sorry.
Well, l know someone who likes them...
- Who would that be? - Curious, are you?
My dear little Johan...
Pay no attention to what l said.
lt was just my craving talking.
Well, l must go.
l'll leave the poems at your door. Give my love to Marianne.
l'll stick to you through thick and thin.
Bye!

0:38:52 (napokon slobodna)

l'll see you around 12:30, then. Bye.
l'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
During this first encounter, we customarily establish the problem.
l want a divorce.
- How long have you been married? - More than 20 years.
- Do you have a profession? - No, l'm a housewife.
Why do you want a divorce?
lt's a loveless marriage.
- ls that your reason? - Yes.
- Has it always been like this? - Yes, for the full 20 years.
But now you want to break away.
Yes.
My husband is a responsible man. He's kind and conscientious.
He's been an excellent father. We've never quarrelled.
We have a nice apartment and a house in the country.
We're both fond of music.
We belong to a chamber music society.
- lt all sounds ideal. - Yes, doesn't it?
But there's no love between us, there never has been.
Forgive me for asking, but have you met someone?
No, l haven't.
What about your husband?
Not as far as l know.
Won't it be lonely for you?
l guess so...
But that's better
than living in a loveless marriage.
Have you informed your husband of this?
Naturally.
15 years ago, l told him
l didn't want to live with him.
He asked me to wait
until the children had grown up.
Now that they've left home,
l can get my divorce.
And what does he say?
He keeps asking me what is wrong with our marriage.
l tell him l can't go on
in a relationship that lacks love.
Then he asks what this love is supposed to consist of.
But l can't describe
something that doesn't exist.
Have you been on good terms with your children?
l've never loved my children.
l know that now...
l used to think l did. People do.
But l know now
that l never loved them.
l've been a good mother to them all the same.
l've done all l could, even though
l've never felt anything for them.
l know just what you're thinking:
''''''She's been overindulged and has no sense of humour.''
She has all she could ever want,
but still she moans about love.
There are other qualities:
''friendship, loyalty, security...''''''
Something like that, yes.
Let me tell you something.
l have a mental image of myself,
which doesn't correspond to reality.
Forgive a personal question...
lsn't it so that love...
What were you going to ask?
l'm not sure. Forgive me.
l have the capacity to love.
But it's all been... bottled up.
The life l've led has stifled my potential.
The time has come to change that.
The first step is divorce.
My husband and l
block each other in some deadly way.
That sounds frightening.
lt is frightening.
Something peculiar is happening.
My senses, sight, hearing, touch
are starting to fail me.
This table, for instance,
l can see it and touch it...
But the sensation
is diminished and dry.
Do you understand?
l think l do.
lt's the same with everything -
music, scents, faces and voices.
Everything seems...
puny, grey and undignified.

0:44:58 (nije sve u seksu)

Now for a drink and some food.
Sitting through lbsen on an empty stomach is deadly.
Remember when we joined the May Day procession?
You were the more fervent believer.
You told me l neglected our home.
That was the winter, we all came down with the Asian flu.
- We believed in the future then. - lt's nice to believe in something.
And we had the pleasure of annoying our parents.
- You were a hothead. - So was your dad.
A pretty hothead. You were very attractive as a socialist.
Aren't l now? Very attractive?
But married people lose interest in each other.
We haven't.
We're just too busy. When evening comes around, we're exhausted.
That wasn't a reproach, l promise.
- We like each other. - Not in that way.
- Oh yes, we do. - Our life is full of evasions.
l can't help not enjoying it as much as l used to.
There's a natural explanation. You shouldn't reproach me.
- Don't get upset. - We have a fine sex life.
We're not as passionate nowadays, but it could be worse.
Sex isn't everything.
lf you're not satisfied you'd better find a mistress
who is more exciting sexually.
- l assure you, l do my best! - Right...
You've got that look again.
Tell me what you're brooding about.
- You'll only get angry. - No, l'm listening.
Why make sex so complicated?
lt's pretty elementary stuff.
lt's become such a sore spot.
lt's all your mother's fault.
- You're so superficial. - You're a sourpuss!
You put all the blame on me.
- You said you do your best. - l do!
That's preposterous!
Are you calling me a liar?
Then what are you talking about?
Let's drop this and go to bed.
lt's just like you to get me so worked up
and then yawn and say it's bedtime.
You suffer from ferocious ambition.
lt's something we often joke about,
but can't our poor sex life be spared?
Why won't you leave me alone?
First you attack me for not trying
and later for making the effort.
Now look what l've done!
Yes, indeed, you have.
Couldn't you be kind instead?
There, there... Don't be upset. l'm sorry.
lt's possible to talk too much about these matters, you know.
l know you shouldn't keep secrets,
but in this case the rule is wrong.
There are some things you shouldn't pry into.
We hurt each other to no end
and the barbs still remain when we go to bed.
lt's like lying on a bed of nails.
- What are you laughing at? - The bed of nails.
- lt's all very well to laugh. - Let's go to bed.
You've been unbelievably tactless.
l apologise.
Don't l give you enough affection?
Affection takes time.
- Then you don't get enough. - We don't, or give enough either.
That's why l wanted us to go away this summer.
Affection shouldn't be kept for vacations.
You're nice, even if you are a moron.
Lucky l'm married to you.
You're mediocre, but you have your moments of greatness.
At our age, thousands of brain cells burn out every day.
- Never to be replaced... - You must lose a million!
You're awfully sweet anyway, even if you do scold and fuss.
l'm nearly asleep already.
- l'll just go check on the children. - l'm nearly asleep, so don't worry.
Aren't you going to set the alarm?
You may make love to me now if you like.
Thanks for the offer, but l'm too tired.

PAULA

0:51:09 (došao sam da ti kažem da odlazim)

Here already? l wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.
What a lovely surprise! Are you hungry?
We all went to bed early.
We thought we'd have an early night. The girls and l have been dieting.
- Would you like some sandwiches? - Sounds good to me.
Or shall l fry you some eggs and ham, or fix some soup?
No, sandwiches and beer will do fine.
By the way, Peter and Katarina will call you on Monday.
What an ordeal they're having!
They don't seem able to decide about their divorce.
l told them to get a lawyer each, but they won't.
Listen, change into your pyjamas and l'll bring in a tray.
Sounds nice...
l was afraid you were angry with me.
- Why should l be? - l was beastly on the phone.
l called back, but you'd pulled out the plug.
l was tired last night.
l'd been with that numbskull from the ministry.
Those bureaucratic idiots in charge of our well-being...
- l still think l behaved badly. - Let's drop the subject.
You never want to finish talking about anything,
but this won't take long, dear.
l just wanted to say that you were right, but so am l.
lf you don't want to wear a tuxedo, that's your business.
- But l've a right to my own opinion. - l hate wearing a tux.
lt's a ridiculous outfit. l feel like a dressed-up chimp.
Let's not start quarrelling.
Tux or no tux, l love you.
A tuxedo is hardly essential to our marriage.
- lt seemed like that last night. - l said l was wrong.
Watching you eat makes me hungry...
l need a sandwich.
l'm so hungry, l feel light-headed.
l've lost nearly two kilos this week. Does it show?
l can feel it, though.
But it seems pointless at times...
Why should we grudge ourselves the good things in life?
Why can't we be fat and cheerful?
Remember Aunt Miriam and Uncle David?
They were big, fat and cheerful.
They slept in that double bed of theirs, holding hands.
Content with each other the way they were.
Why can't we be like them,
brimming with contentment?
What's the matter?
Are you upset?
Has something happened?
What's wrong?
Tell me.
l came here to tell you something.
l've gone and fallen in love.
lt's quite absurd and probably all wrong...
l met her at that congress in June.
She was an interpreter.
She's a student of Slavic languages.
She's nothing much to look at.
You might even think she's ugly.
l've no idea what this will lead to.
l don't know a thing. l'm bewildered.
On some level l'm happy,
but l have one hell of a guilty conscience about you and the girls.
We've always got along so well.
Things have been no better or no worse
than in most families.
Say something, for Christ's sake.
l don't know what to say.
lt was wrong not to tell you sooner,
but l figured l'd get over it.
l didn't want to worry you.
lt's funny...
..that l haven't noticed anything.
Everything's been like usual.
Better, in fact.
You've been so sweet.
l've been a silly blind fool.
l didn't understand...
- How mortifying. - No, you haven't understood a thing.
You've never been particularly observant.
- Where do we go from here? - l don't know.
Do you want a divorce?
Are you going to marry her?
Why tell me now? What's the rush?
We're leaving for Paris tomorrow.
l want to get away from it all.
l was going this autumn anyway.
Paula has this scholarship...
..and l want to be with her.
l can't make it without her.
So we're leaving tomorrow.
Now that l'm talking to you,
l want to ditch the whole damn thing.
l feel tired and scared.
Nothing could be more ridiculous.
l know just what you're thinking.
How could you know that?
l'm trying not to feel guilty, which has rather affected me.
Facts are facts, there's nothing to be done.
Let's go to bed. l expect you need to make an early start.
l have a meeting at nine.
Then we should get some sleep.
Aren't you going to undress?
You have marks on your chest.
How tactless of you.
ls my grey suit here or in town?
- lt's at the cleaners. - What a shame.
Did you want to bring it along?
Can't you go and pick it up?
l won't have the time.
l'm busy right up to 3 o'clock.
l can pick it up for you.
l'll do your packing, too. You're no good at such things.
- No, thank you. - Don't be silly...
l'm a bit conventional.
l think you have all you need here.
There are clean shirts and underwear.
Why don't you travel in your jacket and flannels?
- They give you a youthful air. - Whatever you say...
- How long will you be away? - lt depends.
What do you mean?
l've taken leave of absence for at least six months.
l'll probably stay away for at least seven or eight months.
l want to make a clean break.
- And if l'm not here? - l couldn't care less.
Do you know how long l've wanted to leave?
How long l've thought about leaving you?
- Don't tell me! - Four years!
- l can't take this! - Empty words...
What are you going to live on?
You'll have to pay child support.
Don't worry, l'll manage.
You must have assets l'm not aware of.
That is correct, Marianne.
- How is that possible? - Listen, damn it!
Even though it's none of your damn business,
l've sold the boat
and l've raised a loan.
The bank will pay you and the girls 1,600 krona a month.
We'll make some other arrangement when l return.
Get advice from your colleagues, l don't care.
Name your price!
l'm not taking a thing apart from my books.
l'll just vanish.
l'll dematerialize.
l'll pay all l can to support you.
All that interests me is to end this.
Do you know what l'm most fed up with?
All this carping about what we're expected to do
and the people we must accommodate.
What will your mother think?
Hadn't we better ask so-and-so to dinner?
We have to go here, we have to go there...
We must celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthdays...
Every single damn occasion!
- My poor darling... - l don't want your sympathy!
Stop pawing me!
This is pure affectation, my running on like this.
l can't get at the truth about us.
There isn't any one truth.
Whichever way we turn, it hurts.
Please don't go!
- l beg you. - lt's no use.
Postpone your trip. l believe we can save our marriage.
We could make a fresh start. You must give me a chance!
Perhaps Paula would understand me.
l should meet her and talk to her...
Let us face this together. Let me have a chance!
You're facing me with a fait accompli.
You're forcing me into an intolerable situation.
You mean: What are our parents going to say!
What will our friends think? Jesus, how tongues will wag!
How will it affect the girls?
What about the dinner parties?
What will you tell Peter and Katarina? Who cares?
lt feels good to be a cad!
That wasn't what l meant.
Forget it...
l forgot to set the alarm.
- When do you need to leave? - Please set it for 5:30.
l need to pack and l have a conference at nine.
l've been meaning to get a new alarm clock.
This one's so noisy and it's not very reliable.
There, it's set for 5:30.
l'll wake up on my own anyway, so you needn't worry.
- Tell me about Paula. - Please... What's the point?
- Why torment yourself? - l want to know what she's like.
lt's much worse picturing some faceless threat.
- Do you have a picture of her? - Can't we be spared this ordeal?
Please help me with this.
Well, you asked for it...
Where's my wallet? l guess it's in my jacket...
Here are two photos.
That was taken two years ago, on holiday.
That is her passport photo. lt's a good likeness.
She has a nice figure.
- And lovely breasts, right? - Yes, she does...
- Does she dye her hair? - lt's possible.
- Her smile is nice. How old is she? - 23.
She hasn't been lucky in love.
She's been engaged twice
and has had lots of affairs.
- Does that bother you? - Yes, it does...
Her frankness is quite unpleasant.
She insists on giving me the details of her erotic past.
l suffer from retrospective jealousy.
She has no illusions
and she has no great hopes for the two of us.
She knows l'll go back to you.
lt all sounds like a hackneyed old melodrama.
Are you compatible in bed?
Yes, we are, actually.
At first it was all wrong.
l wasn't used to it - being with other women, l mean.
We've spoiled each other, you and l, living in a bubble of our own.
Everything's gone like clockwork.
- The lack of oxygen smothered us. - And Paula will revive you?
l have little self-awareness.
l know little of reality, regardless of all the books l've read,
but this may be an opportunity for you and l to really live.
Has Paula filled your head with rubbish like that?
- Just how naive can you get? - We can do without your taunts.
- Forgive me. - l'm trying...
l'm trying to be honest and it's not easy!
We've never talked like this before.
ls it any wonder we're naive?
What else can we expect?
You're in a tight spot.
Come and lie down beside me.
Come...
l want you to make love to me.
Please?
For old time's sake.
Lie here in my arms
and we'll both go to sleep together.
l don't think l can sleep.
l'd better leave at once.
Close your eyes.
We both need the rest.
Tomorrow will be a busy day.
l'm so damned ashamed.
We'll talk about that later.
Right now, it's just the two of us.
We still have a few hours left.
Just you and l...

1:17:12 (odlazak)

- Are you going to pack first or eat? - You decide.
- Tea or coffee? - Tea, please.
- What about your mail? - l'll send you my address.
You can send the letters on, pay the bills in the usual way.
The plumber was scheduled to come to fix the bathroom.
Shall l call him?
l figured it might have slipped your mind.
l've phoned him dozens of times, l haven't forgotten it.
What about your car?
l've asked Paula's sister to take care of it.
She needs a car.
l see.
Would you please
cancel my dentist's appointment?
lt's your father's birthday on Friday, we're supposed to dine there.
Are you planning to phone him?
That's tricky...
Maybe l can write him a letter.
As long as you don't forget.
Dealing with our parents will be tough.
- What should l tell the girls? - Say whatever you like.
- That you walked out on us? - You couldn't have put it better.
l don't expect you to understand me.
l have to leave now, to avoid traffic.
Goodbye, Marianne. Take care.
- l may be home in a week's time. - l wish...
We'd make a fresh start.
We'd throw out stale old routines.
We'd talk about the past.
We'd try and find out where we went wrong.
You'd never hear me blame you.
Johan, it's all so unreal...
l don't know what to do.
You're shutting me out.
Any solution would be better than this.
Couldn't you promise to come back? Then l'd have something, at least.
You can't leave me without hope.
Even if you don't intend to return, tell me you will.
l have to go now.
Fredrik? lt's Marianne. Sorry to wake you.
ls Birgit there? No, let her sleep.
So, how are you doing?
Oh, you're an early riser, are you? l won't keep you long.
lt's cloudy... That sounds lovely.
There's something l need to talk to you about.
l really need to talk...
You and Birgit are friends of ours.
l have to...
lt's all so unreal, Fredrik.
You see...
l'm on the verge of tears
and crying only makes things worse.
Johan has fallen in love with another woman.
They're leaving for Paris today.
Couldn't you talk to him?
Tell him not to do anything rash.
You've already talked to him?
l see...
So, you both have known all along?
You knew, but you never told me?
And you call yourselves friends?
How could you be so disloyal?
l don't buy your explanations!
All those times we've met
and neither of you said a word...
Damn you!
What kind of friends are you?
To hell with your explanations!
How many others have you known?
Oh, lots of people...
Well, isn't that nice!

THE VALE OF TEARS

1:25:41 (natrag k Marianne)

Please come in.
My, you're pretty! What a nice blouse.
l liked it when l bought it, but it's sort of girlish.
lt suits you.
l feel nervous standing here like this.
So do l, l've been useless all day.
lt's silly, l know, but l haven't seen you for over six months.
- How come you suddenly...? - Paula is in London.
- Like a drink? - Yes, please.
A whiskey, neat.
lt settles the stomach.
Have you taken to whiskey?
Aunt Berit's looking after the girls, to everyone's mutual delight.
Tomorrow, they're going to the country.
Good... Meeting them might have been awkward.
- How are they? - Don't ask just to be polite.
Please don't forget their birthdays again.
l bought them presents from you, but that didn't fool them.
Can't you take them to the movies one day?
lt's rough on them not hearing from you.
They hardly ever mention you nowadays.
- The way Paula keeps you... - lf you start ranting, l'm leaving.
You said yourself she's jealous.
Are you such a coward you can't stand up to her?
l'm sorry.
l know you think it's absurd,
but don't scold me, it won't help.
- Would you like some more whiskey? - Yes, please.
- How are things, Johan? - Pretty much as usual.
- And you? - l can't complain.
lt was silly of me to suggest this.
We can't talk without hurting each other.
l've got an excellent suggestion, let's have dinner.
- Then we won't snap at each other. - An excellent suggestion.
You look awful with that haircut
and you've put on weight.
You really turn me on.
- What are we to do about it? - We'll see after dinner.
- What delicious wine! - lt's just some inexpensive claret.
Things are going my way at the moment.
l've been offered a chair at Cleveland University.
lt's a good move, financially and career-wise.
That's where things are happening
and l'll be glad to emigrate, there's nothing to keep me here.
l'm fed up with this backwater
and l hate being fleeced by taxes.
So l'll leave in the spring, if all goes well.
Congratulations.
l'm rattling on about myself, but l'm in such a good mood.
Perhaps we can discuss our divorce.
lf you're emigrating, we'd better do it now.
- As you like. - l'd like a divorce.
l may want to remarry, and it would be complicated if you're in the US.
Do you have someone in mind?
Perhaps.
Come on, tell me more.
- Would you like some more? - No, thanks. Don't be evasive.
How are things?
Judging by your appearance,
they must be pretty good.
Do you have a lover?
l'll just get the coffee.
Well...
lt sounds as if you were disappointed.
lt's just your imagination.
l think about you all the time.
Wondering if you're fine, or lonely and afraid.
Every day, several times a day,
l wonder what l did to cause the breach between us.
lt's childish of me, l know.
What did l do wrong?
Why not ask a psychiatrist?
l go to one several times a week.
- Sometimes we even meet privately. - ls he your lover?
We did have sex a few times, but it was no good.
So we devote ourselves to my soul.
Where has that got you?
Nowhere.
l'm learning to talk, basically.
l threw your things out of the study and moved mine in.
lt left me feeling guilty, but bold.
lt's led to something, at least.
- What an enormous yawn. - Sorry, it's the wine.
Also l haven't slept well, l've been tense.
- lf you'd like to go home... - Don't get all uptight.
- You can take a nap if you like. - What a fuss about a yawn.
l'd rather listen to tales of your mental journey.
There's nothing much to tell.
Though last night something funny struck me.
That sounds exciting.
My therapist asked me to jot down whatever popped into my head.
No matter how irrelevant. Anything...
l haven't written much so far, l'm not used to writing.
lt tends to turn out stilted and a little silly.
Why don't you read to me what you wrote last night?
Would you really like to hear it?
l'll just go and get my notebook.
l was up writing to three am,
so l looked a wreck this morning.
lt figures that would happen the night before l see you.
You look so pretty... so very pretty, Marianne.
No compliments, please. Take an interest in my soul instead.
Go and sit down...
Have a seat...
Don't...
Let me read to you.
One good thing needn't exclude the other.
l think about you constantly,
about having sex with you.
l've been longing for you.
But after you leave,
l'd be left longing for you again.
l love you, don't you realise that?
Sometimes l hate you for what you did to me.
l rejoice every hour that passes without a thought of you.
l have friends, lovers, children
and a job l enjoy that l'm good at.
Yet, l'm tied to you.
l don't know why.
Perhaps l'm a masochist,
or else l'm just a one-man-woman.
l don't know...
lt's all so difficult.
l don't want to live with anyone but you.
Other men bore me.
l'm not trying to make you feel guilty,
or use emotional blackmail.
l'm just telling you how l feel.
l can't bear you making love to me.
l can't explain it any other way.
lt's because you'll walk away
and l'll be left longing for you.
l've sort of enjoyed having you at a distance.
So let's keep our hands to ourselves.
You'll just leave me devastated.
l'm... l'm still in love with you.
Why say that when it's not true?
Do you think l haven't longed for you?
l have... We were friends.
We had fun together.
lf we feel like having sex, why shouldn't we?
Why have all these reservations?
Why worry about how you'll feel tomorrow?
No, Johan...
l want you to stop!
l don't want to be mooning over you, pining and weeping!
lf you're going to persist, you might as well leave.
l don't want to sleep with you.
Please try and understand that!
l'm doing my best...
All right, l'll sit here...
l'll sit here and you can read to me.
Then l'll go home and phone Paula and say l've been to the theatre.
May l have more coffee, please and a brandy?
l feel like a terrible fool.
l want to hide somewhere and cry.
- We can meet tomorrow instead. - Yes, that might be just as well.
No, it's better you stay...
l'm busy tomorrow.
Hi there...
l'm so very fond of you.
l'm behaving like a child.
The situation is under control.
We've come through the crisis.
l can barely read my own writing.
The beginning isn't important...
''''''Yesterday l was seized by reckless gaiety.''
For the first time this year, l felt a zest for life.
''Feeling curious about what the day will bring.''''''
And so on...
Here it is:
''''''l turned and looked at the photo of my class at school,''
taken when l was 10.
l seemed to detect something that had eluded me previously.
To my surprise, l must admit,
l don't know who l am.
Not at all...
l've always done as l was told.
As far as l can remember,
l've been obedient, well-adjusted, almost meek.
l did assert myself once or twice as a girl,
but mother punished all such lapses from convention
with exemplary severity.
My entire upbringing
was aimed at making me agreeable.
l was ugly and graceless.
A fact l was constantly reminded of.
But if l kept my thoughts to myself
and was ingratiating,
my behaviour yielded rewards.
The real deception began at puberty.
My every thought revolved around sex.
But this l never told my parents,
or anyone at all, for that matter.
Being deceitful and secretive
became second nature to me.
My father wanted me to become a lawyer like himself.
l said l wanted to be an actress,
or do something else within the theatrical world,
but they laughed at me.
Since then l go on pretending.
A sham in my relations to others.
To men.
The same sham -
a desperate attempt to please.
l've never considered what l want.
Just: 'What does he want me to think?'
lt's not unselfishness, as l used to believe,
but sheer cowardice.
lt stems from being ignorant of who l am.
Our mistake was in not breaking free of our families
''and creating something worthwhile on our own terms.''''''
Oh damn, l fell asleep!
Your words were so interesting, too. Forgive me...
Won't you read some more, unless you feel offended?
l don't feel offended, but l think you ought to go home now.
Yes, l'd better be going.
Please call, if only for the sake of the children.
- You're always welcome here. - lf only Paula weren't so jealous.
Still, she has good reason...
- When will you know about the US? - ln a month or so.
- Let me know how it goes. - Of course, l'll phone you.
We need to make up our minds about the divorce.
- Do you want to marry again? - l don't know.
l'd rather wait, what do you think?
l don't know what l think...
- You'll stay the night, won't you? - Yes.
- How do you feel? - Frightened...
Let's muster up some courage.

1:47:43 (ipak ne mogu ostati)

- Can't you sleep? - Not a chance.
l'd better go home. Forgive me!
- That's Paula's handwriting. - She wrote to me.
- What's she up to now? - She sent this before she left.
Read it here.
''''''Dear Marianne, l assure you''
that there is no ulterior motive behind this letter.
l took this job in London
to break a vicious cycle of jealousy and suspicion.
l know Johan will look you up the minute l've gone.
l've only myself to blame, as l've stopped him from seeing you all.
''lf only it was possible to put things right.''''''
- How like Paula! - She wants us to be friends.
- She can't endure hostility. - How touching. And you believe her?
''''''Johan is the gentlest and kindest person l've ever met.''
He lacks self-confidence,
''though he tries to appear so brave and cheerful.''''''
You can say anything about anyone. lt always fits in some respect.

THE lLLlTERATES

1:50:50 (do vrhunca)

l'm glad we could meet here. lt saves time.
- lt's not exactly cosy. - But suitable for divorce matters.
Here's the agreement, word for word as we decided.
- Then l don't need to read it. - Always read before signing.
- Don't look so grumpy. - l'm not grumpy.
Here's the list of our joint property and its distribution.
lt's just a list, it doesn't require a signature.
You get Granny's clock? That must be a mistake.
- But she left it to me. - l don't recall that.
lf you're so attached to it keep it, but it is mine.
You're always right, aren't you? Take the damn clock!
- Check that l haven't fleeced you. - Your sarcasm is wasted on me.
l have such a miserable cold.
What do you say to a glass of fine old brandy?
Yes, l think we should have one now.
Egerman gave me a bottle.
Some grateful Parisian colleagues gave him a whole case. Cheers!
Not bad, huh? l like it.
l don't care for brandy as a rule, but this is nice.
l feel better already.
lt's rough all the same.
- Getting divorced. - lt's just paperwork.
We've been living apart for ages and we're in agreement,
but feelings of guilt linger on.
lt's strange... Johan?
- What? - lt's strange.
On my way over l was determined not to cry.
You said you felt guilty.
Let's go and sit on the sofa instead.
Put the lights out, the glare is ghastly.
How can you work in such a bleak room?
The sofa isn't very comfortable either.
lf you put your feet up, it's fine.
- More brandy? - Yes, please.
- Comfy? - Very.
- ls this whole place empty? - There's a nightwatchman.
How nice!
- l just think it's nice. - Nothing's nice with a cold.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not going to die. Cheers!
- This gets better and better. - Aren't you in good spirits!
To be honest, l'm in love.
- With that David person? - No, that's over.
Give me a kiss.
- But l'm ill. - l never catch your germs.
Give me a kiss, l want you to.
- Was it what you expected? - Much better.
Now, put your hand on my breast.
- Are you seducing me? - That's right.
Right here on the carpet. Right now.
Doesn't that sound fun?
You look suspicious. Afraid of the nightwatchman?
We're still married, after all.
Come, lie on top of me.
People should make love on the floor more often.
- Lock the door. - No one will walk in on us.
- l'm kind of a prude. - Just in case the watchman comes.
- He might be eavesdropping. - No, he's doing his rounds.
ls it wise to take your trousers off with that cold?
- You can warm me. - So you don't freeze your thing...
Poor baby, you're so miserable...
lt's lovely being kissed by you.
l enjoy it so...
What if...?
Shut your eyes,
or l'll feel self-conscious.
Put your hands on my hips.
That's nice...
What if the watchman walked in now?
He could join us. We're liberated.
Let's stay here all night...
...and just drink and make love.
Tomorrow, we'll file our divorce papers.
A penny for your thoughts.
l'm not telling.
- Are you hungry? - l always am.
What about a steak tartare and some beer?
You're not supposed to take me out.
l'm in Uppsala with my students.
Poor Paula!
ln that case, l'd love to dine with you.
- Where's the bathroom? - Down the corridor, to the left.

1:58:44 (do dna)

Let's sign these papers and go out and celebrate.
Pay tribute to a long and happy marriage.
l think l'll take them home with me.
Why do an about-face now?
You said yourself to read things through before signing them.
Let's read it through from A to Z,
so you see that l haven't cheated you.
- Why are you so upset? - l'm not. Let's get moving.
- You look pissed off to me. - l am, but l'll control myself.
Like l always do when l'm subjected to your whims.
Can we end this boring discussion?
lt's late and tomorrow's a work day.
- Don't you want to have supper? - No, thank you.
l'm grateful for the favours bestowed on me.
- Talk about whims... - Now look here, Johan!
lt's pointless even trying to discuss this now.
Let's stuff these into an envelope, then you can take them home.
Then you and Paula can pore over the wording
to see that l haven't screwed you.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
We were good friends a minute ago.
Don't forget Eva's birthday.
- Do l usually? - No, because l always remind you.
Could you pay for her trip to France?
- How much is that? - 2,000 krona.
That's out of the question!
- Then let your mother pay. - l've borrowed too much as it is.
l've just paid for Karin's orthodontist.
- Doesn't she have free dental care? - She refuses to go to that place.
Eva will have to cancel her trip.
lt won't hurt her to learn that she can't have everything.
She's too damned spoilt and ill-mannered!
- Mother was appalled last week. - Your mother told you that?
Well, Eva is at a difficult age.
Don't let the girls rule the roost.
l have their complete confidence
and for that l'm grateful.
l couldn't care less about petty details like manners.
l can't afford the trip. Tell her that.
- Tell her yourself. - Why? You have custody.
l merely fork out huge sums for child support,
leaving me high and dry.
You and l were born
with silver spoons in our mouths.
We've squandered our resources,
leaving us poor, bitter, and angry.
However trite, it's the truth:
We're emotional illiterates.
We've been taught about anatomy and African farming methods.
We've learned mathematical formulas by heart.
We haven't been taught a thing about the mind.
We're ignorant about what makes people tick.
That signals the end of my lecture.
More brandy? Then we can decide about supper.
l don't agree with you.
By the way, that job in the US has gone to blazes.
- Not that it matters. - What a shame!
Well, l was pretty disappointed.
There was the usual wheeling and dealing.
First, things were postponed, then there was no money...
Then they sent someone else. That's life. Cheers!
l'll be 45 this summer.
l can expect to live another 30 years...
Viewed objectively, l'm dead weight.
l'll spend the next 20 years being a damn nuisance.
l'm an expensive, unproductive unit
that should be eliminated.
And l'm supposed to be in my prime,
brimming with useful experience!
''But it's: ''''Throw the loser out.''
''Let him rot.''''''
l'm so damn tired.
l hardly know who l am.
Someone spat on me and now l'm drowning in the spittle.
- Am l boring you? - lt's funny...
l wanted to have sex with you today to see if l felt anything.
All l felt was lukewarm affection.
l think l'm breaking free at last.
lt's taken a long time and it's been very painful,
but l'm free of you now and can live my own life.
Allow me to congratulate you.
lt's callous of me to say this when you're having a rough time,
but oddly enough, l don't care.
l've taken your feelings into account far too often.
Being considerate killed our love.
Had l not been sidetracked by guilt,
l'd have known everything we did was wrong.
Remember after Karin was born?
When we couldn't sleep together?
How we put the blame on my two pregnancies.
We concocted many reasons why our lovemaking gave us no pleasure.
Warning lights were flashing all around us,
but we ignored them.
These post-mortems are so pointless.
Your idiotic sarcasm drives me crazy!
Why should you tell me what to think and feel?
Lord, how l hate you!
l often used to think: 'Lord, how l hate her!'
Especially when we made love and l felt your indifference
and when l saw you naked at the bidet afterwards -
washing off the nasty stuff l'd deposited inside you.
l would think: 'l hate her body, the way she moves.'
l should have beaten you.
l wanted to strike down your hard, white resistance,
but we chatted away and talked about how well we got along.
Then why do l enjoy sex now?
- l do everything he asks. - Just you wait.
When you're married to him, you'll do the same thing again.
Your behaviour is deeply rooted.
Then you'll look for a new lover to free you from your loathing.
You're wrong.
There is such a thing as straightforward tenderness.
To say nothing of sensuousness
and physical desire.
For you that's all blocked.
Do you imagine that l didn't suffer when we didn't hit it off?
l'd think: 'ls this misery all there is?'
We'd console ourselves with the thought that sex wasn't everything.
That in other respects, we were happy. Talk about self-deception!
You're forgetting certain things.
Then please enlighten me.
You cashed in on your sex organs.
They became a bargaining chip.
A night of sex for a night of peace.
Good behaviour earned me a lay.
Bad behaviour or criticism
made you withdraw.
You were worse than any whore!
- You would never face the truth. - Some cosmic truth, or your truth?
The way you made me your doormat!
Am l a substitute for your mother?
All that carping about how l neglected the home.
That's a lie!
You heaped guilt on me!
You and your parents!
l felt inadequate at work and at home
and l was a lousy lay as well.
l was hedged in by all the griping and endless demands.
lf l used my sex organs, was that so strange?
l was fighting against hopeless odds:
You, my mother, your parents, and society!
When l think of what l endured, l could scream!
l tell you this: Never again!
You sit there whining about conspiracies.
lt serves you damn well right!
l hope it will be rammed down your throat
that you're a useless parasite.
- You're being utterly grotesque! - You made me that way!
The difference between us is that l fight it!
l intend to face reality just as it is.
lf there's one thing l truly appreciate, it's being alive.
l enjoy overcoming difficulties.
- l don't ask for special allowances. - How nice!
Then we needn't feel sorry for each other.
We're getting quite human.
lt's a pity we ever met in the first place
and decided to live together - what a glorious fiasco!
The sooner we sign the papers, the better.
We'll divide our worldly goods and go our separate ways.
lt was all just a ghastly mistake.
l know what's on your mind.
- You don't want a divorce! - That's absurd!
- Then sign the papers. - All right, l will.
Be honest now... Look at me!
You don't want a divorce, do you?
Well, would that be such a crime?
l concede defeat, is that what you want to hear?
l'm sick of Paula.
l want to come home.
Don't look at me like that.
l'm a failure. l'm going downhill.
l'm scared and rootless.
My timing is all wrong...
- lf you think pity will help... - l'm giving you a straight answer.
l was bound to you in a deeper way than l knew.
l needed our home
and to lead a regular life.
l'm tired of being alone.
Loneliness with Paula is worse than being all alone.
l can't stand either.
l won't go on... Now you know.
Please send a cab to Malmrosgatan 45.
Want a lift? You really shouldn't drive.
- l'll stay here for a while. - Please don't brood.
lt's none of your business!
- l want you to stay. - But l don't want to.
You're tired and drunk. Let me go.
- l don't want you to go. - Don't be ridiculous.
We've never behaved like this. Give me the key.
l don't give a damn what you say.
Your orderly mind is reeling.
''''''What do l do now?''''''
''''''Has he gone mad?''''''
''''''ls he going to beat me?''''''
You're quite a riot, actually.
Then why aren't you laughing?
You look scared to me.
Let me cancel the cab...
What for?
They only wait around for 10 minutes or so.
Sit down and take it easy.
- This will take quite a while. - Fine...
- So, what do you want to say? - Nothing.
- l want to look at you. - Go ahead.
l might have expected this.
l've often warned wives in the process of a divorce
against spending time alone with their husbands.
Yet here l am.
Shut your mouth!
l'm not afraid, l couldn't care less what you do.
- Shut up, l said! - You maniac!
Give me the key, l'll go and wash off this blood.
l'm not letting you out.
- You arsehole! - You bitch!
l'll show you!
l could kill you! l could kill you!
Oh, Marianne...
Listen, are you all right?
l guess l've only myself to blame...
Will you give me the key now?
- Shall l help you? - No, don't come near me.

6 - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IN A DARK HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD

2:18:24 (opet smo skupa)

What fun this is!
l went to the cottage yesterday and turned the heating on
and stocked up on food, just like old times.
- When did l last see the place? - Seven years ago.
- What about you? - l don't spend much time there.
Henrik's not fond of the seaside.
The girls and l go there occasionally,
but they have their own lives to lead.
- How is your husband? - Overworked.
He suffers from high blood pressure.
- How's your wife? - She's in ltaly, for a rest cure.
Funny that they're both abroad.
lt's almost indecent, l think.
That is what's so nice.
- The place hasn't changed much. - lt's a bit shabby.
lt needs doing up, but we can't afford it.
Put the car away, or Erik will see it and be over like a shot.
- That could be embarrassing. - l will, dear...
- Aren't you going to do it now? - No, later.
This does feel a little strange...
Let's stretch out on the bed...
l'm nervous. lt's like the first time.
But it's not.
lt's been nearly a year now.
lt was the day before my birthday
and today's August 28th.
You seduced me.
Did you ever see the last act of that play?
lt must have looked funny, our sneaking off like that.
- What made you decide? - l don't know...
l saw you the second l entered the theatre.
lt seemed natural to approach you.
l was terribly pleased.
So was l.
''- And you said: ''''Let's leave.'''' - And you blushed.''
- No wonder. l had such a hard-on. - You got me pretty hot too.
We hadn't met for two whole years.
That's right, exactly two years.
And now today's our first anniversary.
No...
lt's not our first anniversary.
lt's our 20th.
We got married in August, 20 years ago.
lt's an entire lifetime.
A whole grown-up life together.
lsn't that strange?
My dear! Sweetheart...
lt's this wretched old bed...
Our hotel rooms were suitably impersonal.
lt was wrong of us to come here.
- We should have gone to Denmark. - There wasn't time.
- This is all right. - No, it isn't.
l'll call Fredrik. He has a cottage.
- How will we get in? - l expect a neighbour has a key.
There's no harm in trying.
Fredrik? lt's Johan.
How are you? l've never been better.
Look, this is rather a delicate matter. Are you alone?
Could l possibly borrow your cottage for the weekend?
Exactly, something like that...
Very pretty. Young...?
She's almost too young!
lt's a sticky situation.
That's great!
l owe you a favour.
Don't say a word to Birgit now.
Women don't understand these things.
Right... The key is under the stone step.
Yes... Blonde.
With a great figure...
l'll call you. l really appreciate it.
Thanks. Give my love to Birgit. No, scratch that last suggestion.
- l found it. - lt's lovely!
Here's the step. lt must be here.
- Let's clear up. - Right.
What's wrong? You're crying.
You're so touching. l'm being silly.
Touching? That's amazing.
lt's the truth.
My dear, beloved Johan...
You've become so small.
You're so handsome this way.
You used to look so tense.
- Are people beastly to you? - l don't know.
l've stopped being on the defensive.
Someone said l'd become slack and gave in too easily.
l've accepted my true dimensions
with a certain sense of humility.
lt makes me kind and sad.
And you with your great expectations.
Those were my family's expectations.
l really wanted to live up to them.

2:29:15 (i na kraju malo sreće)

You wanted to know about my husband?
Getting married was a mistake.
lt was more of a joke.
When did you meet?
A few years ago.
lt was a purely sexual affair.
l see...
Henrik is... How shall l put this?
Very convincing in that respect.
He truly enjoys sex
and he made me realise l felt the same way.
l wasn't all that keen before.
l remember.
You don't like this subject, do you?
But it can't be helped.
l was obsessed by this new sensation.
l felt insatiable.
How nice... for you.
l became very attached to Henrik
and he liked me a lot,
but l caught him with other women.
What do you know?
l was hurt and humiliated, even jealous.
Jealous, you?
We had a violent scene and l told him to go to hell.
- So, did he? - Yes.
He said l was too histrionic.
l begged him to come back.
You look preoccupied.
Everything's fine, that's all.
Things just couldn't be better.
- lt's just that l can't stand it. - l knew it!
As if l care about your orgasms with that workaholic.
l applaud your emancipation.
You should write a novel.
The women's libbers would rejoice.
You're being ridiculous...
l tell you l don't give a damn.
lt suddenly mattered so terribly.
lt's just a taste
of the marvellous things life has to offer.
Think of the awareness we've gained.
lt's magnificent!
We've discovered ourselves.
One faces up to his insignificance, the other, to her greatness.
Here we are, trashing our spouses.
They're in this room with us.
lt's mental group sex to the max.
lt's like a textbook on life.
lt's fabulous, but l can't bear it.
l see, but l don't find it terrible.
l can't abide this cold light directed on my every endeavour.
How l battle with futility.
l try to cheer myself up thinking
that life is what you make of it,
but those are empty words.
l want something to long for.
l don't feel the same way.
l realise that.
l persevere.
l enjoy myself.
l rely on common sense
and my gut feeling.
They work together.
l'm content with my direction.
Time has given me a third partner:
Experience.
You should be a politician.
Maybe you're right...
l like people.
l enjoy negotiations,
prudence, compromises...
Rehearsing your election speech?
- Am l so impossible? - Only when you preach.
l'm not going to say another word.
No more home truths?
l promise.
Promise you won't mention that orgasmic superman again.
Promise to reign in your awful level-headedness.
lt will be difficult, but l'll try.
Could you possibly...
...use your female power sparingly?
l'll have to.
All right, then...
Let's go to bed.

2:35:39 (ljubav?)

What is it? There, there...
Come, sit here with me.
There, there...
What brings on nightmares like that?
- Perhaps it was something you ate. - Do you think so?
Unless there's something in your orderly world...
...you can't get at.
Hold me, l'm shivering.
l think l've come down with something.
- The girls have had colds... - You'll soon feel better.
Pull the covers up. That's nice...
What were you dreaming about?
We were crossing a dangerous road.
l wanted you and the girls to hold on to me,
but my hands were gone.
All l had left were stumps
and l'm sliding around in soft sand.
You're on the road and l can't reach you...
What a horrible dream!
Do we live our lives in confusion?
- All of us. - What do you mean?
Fear, uncertainty, a lack of wisdom.
Are we sliding downhill
and don't know what to do?
Yes, l think so.
ls it too late?
Yes,
but we shouldn't say things like that.
Johan, have we missed something important?
- All of us? - No, you and l.
At times l can read your mind
and feel such tenderness.
l forget myself without losing myself.
lt's a new sensation.
l understand.
lt grieves me that l've never loved anyone.
l don't think l've ever been loved either.
That distresses me.
Now you're being histrionic.
l know what l feel.
l love you in my selfish way
and l think you love me,
in your fussy, pestering way.
We love each other
like people do here on earth,
but you're so demanding.
Yes, l am.
lt's as simple as this:
Here l am in a dark house somewhere in the world,
with my arms around you
and you are here in my arms.
l lack empathy for my fellow human beings.
l'm low on imagination, l suppose.
l don't know what my love looks like and l can't describe it.
Most of the time l don't feel it.
You think l love you too?
Yes, l do.
lf we harp on, love will vanish.
Let's stay like this all night.
Oh, let's not...
One of my legs has gone to sleep, my left arm is dislocated,
l'm sleepy and my back is cold.
Then let's snuggle down.
Good night, my darling. lt was good talking to you.
- Sleep well. - You too.

GLEDAM S PROZORA

iznenada,
orkan se obrušio svom snagom na mali grad.

lete panoi, padaju stabla, ruše se barake,
a mlada žena trči preko ceste,
noseći u rukama
veliki
zavežljaj.

jedva uspijeva održati ravnotežu. kose joj vijore,
bluza joj se posve
raskopčala,
uvija se,
vjetar joj zadiže haljinu, vide se duge prekrasne noge.
ona ih pokriva rukom pod cijenu da izgubi dragocjeni smotuljak.

žena!
ona zna da je gledam s prozora.

Čim je prozor, odmah je i gledanost. Što s tim je li potencijalnost ili aktualiziranost posrijedi? I potencijalnost je samo oblik aktualiziranosti. Odsutnost glave uhvaćene kako gleda je neprava odsutnost, ta glava je ipak s njom, u njoj. A čak i kad bi nekako pozitivno znala da je ulica prazna ma i iza svih prozora, da je nikakav Sven ne gleda iza nijednog, svejedno bi napravila isti pokret pokrivanja – kao da je gledaju prozori sami.

E, da. Sven. Pjesma Svena Adama Ewina. Nema ga već neko vrijeme, ali znao se družiti tu s nama na blogu.

—

Žena! – uzvikuje Sven.

Kad smo već kod upućivanja pogleda: ne samo da ćemo moći govoriti o rodnoj specifičnosti uobičajenog ženskog držanja u pasivu (gledana), nego će se razlika očitovati i u aktivu (kao ona koja gleda).

Na blogu, kao ni u drugim sferama, nije baš da sve vrvi od soja autora koji bi bili nečemu. Shvatimo ovaj post kao mali hommage njima, izumirućoj vrsti (kad je već blogerski natječaj). Jedan od prozvanih, koji se najdulje i najneumornije zadržao ovdje, je svakako drug Babl. Sjećam se kada sam sam tek počeo bloški dejstvovati, među prvim komentarima koje sam ostavio (a mislim da i doslovno prvi) bio je pod njegovim postom s nadnaslovom Kastrirajuće odrastanje te naslovom Zatomljeni pogledi, u kojem Babl žensku sramežljivost pri gledanosti ili također gledanju (odmjeravanju) – pripisuje tome što je ''svijet prepun raznoraznih kretena, primitivaca i divljaka'', pa djevojke, iz straha da ne bi naletili na barabu (obično s iskustvom isprepadanosti od strane nekoga od takvih), bivaju rezervirane spram općenito svih muškaraca, uključujući ''tisuću pristojnih mladića i muškaraca''.

Osjetio sam ispod potrebu dopuniti ovo objašnjenje. Ali kako objasniti da ljepši spol biva neobično temeljit u suzdržanosti čak i tamo gdje ne prijeti nikakva opasnost da budu silovane? Više nego li u (racionalno utemeljenom) strahu i oprezu pred barabama, tajna zatomljenih ženskih pogleda krije se u onom iracionalnom, podzemnom, automatiziranom tam-tamu iz dubina pod kakav svi potpadamo: činjenju točno onoga što se od nas očekuje. Ženska suzdržanost je jednostavno naučeno ponašanje – jer njih se tome uči, istim principom kao pse da sline na trubu. Internalizirana stilizacija: biti tiha i mirna, čista i fina, smjerna i nježna – to je ženstveno... jedino takvom ženstvenošću možeš, kćerce, postati privlačna i uspjeti u ženskoj karijeri.¹

Ima jedan video koji znam češće zakačiti – jer je vrlo instruktivan u raznim srodnim kontekstima. Bergmanova monodramska sekvenca s Liv Ulmann: Okrenula sam se i pogledala fotografiju mog razreda iz škole, uslikanu kad mi je bilo 10. Kao da sam otkrila nešto što mi je dotad izmicalo. Na vlastito iznenađenje, moram priznati, ja ne znam tko sam. Niti malo... Oduvijek sam radila kako mi je rečeno. Otkad pamtim bila sam pokorna, prilagođena, gotovo servilna. Kao djevojčica jesam jednom ili dvaput digla glavu, ali je majka sve takve otklone od konvencije kaznila s primjernom oštrinom. Čitav moj odgoj bio je usmjeren tome da me se učini prihvatljivom. Bila sam ružna i neprijatna. Činjenica na koju me se neprestano podsjećalo. Ali ako bih držala svoje misli za sebe i podilazila, moje bi ponašanje urodilo nagradom. Prava obmana počela je u pubertetu. Svaka moja misao vrtjela se oko seksa. Ali to nikada nisam rekla roditeljima, niti uopće ikome, kad smo već kod toga. Biti neiskrenom i zatvorenom postalo je moja druga priroda. Moj je otac htio da postanem odvjetnica poput njega. Rekla sam da bih htjela biti glumica ili raditi nešto drugo u sklopu teatra i filma, ali su me ismijali. Od tada se samo pretvaram. Ta lažnost u mom odnosu s drugima. S muškarcima. Uvijek ista lažnost – očajničko pokušavanje da ugodim. Nikada se nisam zapitala što sama želim. Jedino: ''Što on želi da mislim?'' Nije to nesebičnost, kao što sam nekad vjerovala, nego čisti kukavičluk.²



—

Među postovima koje bi valjalo ne prepustiti zaboravu je i jedan drugarice Primakke, nešto novijeg datuma, pod nazivom Užurbane žene i druželjubivi muškarci. Kao što naslov i sugerira, post socijalno ali i rodno senzibiliran. Uništilo cement, salonit, pivovare, željezo, selo, brodove – nema se više gdje raditi. A ono malo što još ima – tko radi? To je pitanje fokus interesa iz kojeg nastaje opservacija: kako se gušenje privrede očituje promotreno kroz prizmu rodnih odnosa? Odgovor: kod nas patrijarhat proždire sam sebe! Tradicionalno je uvijek gazda bio taj koji ide na posao, dok žena ostaje kod kuće, ali Primakka primjećuje obrnutu tendenciju: većina zaposlenih (barem, veli, u njenom okruženju, u Dalmaciji) su danas žene. Fenomen koji nije bez logike: u rasapu tržišta rada, ostanu još samo slabije plaćena radna mjesta, nižeg statusa, a takva su – kumovanjem balkanskog i općeg patrijarhata – s izrazitom pretežitošću namrijeta ženama; blagajnice, konobarice, čistačice, šalteruše, itd. Patrijarhat je u perverznom rikošetu kombiniranosti sa specifično balkanskim tranzicijskim čemerom učinio da masovno upravo muškarci postaju obezmoćenici u okviru kućanstva, bez svojih ruku kruha, koji moraju moliti za džeparac.

—

Ali nije Primakkina poanta samo ovaj uvid, već i onaj koji je uslijedio: domaći se muški rod odbija kućno prilagoditi novom stanju stvari.
Skroz mi je jasno zašto žene nakon posla čeka sve ono što je trebalo obaviti ujutro.
Pa muškarci se moraju družiti.
I negdje nešto zaraditi.

Ovome je ispod prisnažilo i nekoliko komentatorica.

Alžbeta Bathory nadovezuje se onime što opaža u sjeverozapadnoj Hrvatskoj, gdje doduše muži još rade, ali su ''patrijarhalna prava'' (u vidu osam sati na poslu kao alibija da se ostatak dana provede s daljinskim i gemištom u ruci) jednako neiskorjenjiva, a to je zato što žene pristaju na takav režim, kolaborantice sa svojim tlačiteljima, radeći najteže fizičke poslove, plus sve one koji su ''njihovi''; prerijetko oklagijom razvaljaju štogod drugo nego štrukle.

Križar jetko domeće kako više nema muških i ženskih poslova... jer su svi postali ženski. (Primakka joj domeće, slažući se ali i diskretno ukazujući na participacijski moment: žene su jači spol. ne valja jedino kad se na to naviknu.)

Double-trouble prisjetila se svoje mame, koja je uvijek isticala da ''nema gore bolesti od lijenosti''. Lijenost, to je imanentno svojstvo muškarca, dok žene rade sve živo i još gazdi skaču po čašu vode, soka ili čega već... (Primakka joj skreće pozornost da bi to možda moglo prvenstveno biti do postavljanja samih žena: takav raspored aktivnosti obično je ženina zasluga. uvijek se može nešto ne uraditi.)

Odmak se poziva na sociološka istraživanja po kojima žene rade nekoliko poslova da bi pomogle obitelji, dok nema majci da se nađe nekog uškarca sa visokim obrazovenjem koji radi kao čistač ili pomočnik u domaćinstvu kao što rade žene. (Primakka blago divergira: pa dobro, nije sad baš apsolutno pravilo.)

Marionetta ne nalazi drugog rješenja za žene doli operacije promjene spola.

Missillusion se osvrnula na berendijansku grešku u logici po kojoj žene za današnji ''iscrpljujući multitasking'' koji ih dopada proklinju feminizam i emancipaciju (jer sad moraju i raditi pored kućanskih poslova), umjesto truta s kojim žive. Ne primjećuju da je stvar u tome što podosta muškaraca, pogotovo u Dalmaciji, nije prihvatilo podjelu kućanskih poslova nego nastavilo dipliti po svom.

Sjećanja i osvrti potvrđuje točnost opservacije da se muškarci ponašaju kao da su još uvijek teški zemljoradnici pa su ''lakši poslovi'' rezervirani za žene, a dobro je da usput i zarađuju!

Znači, patrijarhat. Ali u čemu sve tražiti klinove kojima se patrijarhat ovdje zabada i prima?

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Što sam još dopisao tamo ispod kod Babla?

Vulgarnost je smrt za djevojačku potrebu da se dopada, a pošto upućivanje lascivnih pogleda važi za jednu od većih, provokativnijih vulgarnosti, ona će to u sebi uništavati kao korov u bašći. Nitko ne želi biti trula jabuka. Otvoreno i bučno iskazivanje interesa za seks konvencija je muževnosti. Dakako, ponovo je riječ o naučenom ponašanju. Doza nestašluka, mangupstva i frivolnosti spada u ideal muškarca, u mušku ljepotu, ona je uvjet za ''pravog muškarca''. To je jedno od najuobičajenijih sredstava kojima se muškarci jedni pred drugima ''umuškarčuju'', pokazuju kako su uspješno poprimili poželjna svojstva kakav muškarac treba biti. Tko glasnije i masnije, taj je veći frajer.
Ukratko, previše nepristojan muškarac isto je što i previše pristojna žena: kastrat, bezmudac.

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Što se još od komentara dopisalo tamo ispod kod Primakke?

Za početak, muški je diskurs očekivano bio ponešto drugačiji od ženskog. Magle dolaze iz svog iskustva opaža tako navadu žena da uvijek doma rade ono što je njima bitno, a pod izlikom da je za opće dobro, od skupljanja po podu mrvica koje samo one vide ili isljeđivanja prašine po zakucima u koje samo one zalaze, preko permanentnog glancanja pa isušivanja lavaboa kao da neće netko već slijedeću sekundu u njih iz slavine ispustiti vodu, do peglanja čak i potkošulja koje će odmah po oblačenju biti zgužvane. (Jer, eto, mora bit' sve čisto i speglano, pa ne može kuća biti kao svinjac, a on hodati zgužvan...) Bi li bile manje umorne navečer da im se svejedno pomogne oko toga, pa i ako je samo njima stalo? Magle takvo pitanje proglašava naivnim: tako bi samo obavile više posla, veli. Jer: Žene su to...

Gesta srodna Svenovoj kada je prolazničin refleks pokrivanja nogu i po cijenu gubitka smotuljka popratio uzvikom: žene! Hm. Radi li se uistinu o nečemu imanentno ženskom? U jednome? U drugome?

20 do asa je – osim mene, ali ja se ne računam – bio jedini preostali nazočni muškić, pa je i on potvrdio što Magle kaže: jedino što može u kući je usisavati iglice od bora, jer njih vidi i čuje, a ovo sve ostalo ne. Kakav umivaonik, kakvi bakrači – daleko mu bila lijepa kuća! Ali bilo je zato i ženskih glasova koji su se složili s tezom da si žene u prvom redu izmišljaju posla.

Marionetta i sama, još neizazvana Maglenim, ističe da uz svo nabrušeno osmomartovstvo ima među ženama i mnogo ''radoholičarki'' koje se od toga trebaju liječiti.

Žena gaza, potaknuta umivaoničkim motivom, skrušeno priznaje: ne znam koji vrag me tjera da ih glancam svako jutro.......taj poriv za čistoćom je potreba za kontrolom, tako mi se ponekad čini.

Pročitavši to, javlja se još jednom i Missillusion, vraćajući na početnu naraciju s trutovima u prvom planu. Eventualno pretjerivanje i opsesiju kod nekih – kao i ''obavljanje posla za nekim tko je već počistio'' te sklonost da sve moraju same jer jedino same će obaviti kako treba – pripisuje medicinskom stanju koje ima svoje ime: OKP – opsesivno kompulzivni poremećaj. Ali isto u završnom saldu za račun patrijarhata. To je samo perpetuiranje jednog te istog štetnog obrasca koji ide u prilog isključivo i samo muškarcima koji ne žele potegnuti u kući. I uopće nije smiješno: Puno je tih navada zbog kojih žene padaju mrtve umorne iz dana u dan, a koje se pokušavaju kroz vic učiniti simpatičnima dok zapravo uopće nisu, dapače.

Odmah po dijagnosticiranju OKP-a, s prvom sljedećom rečenicom, Miss se nastavlja jednim pametnim uvidom: da se radi o karakteristici uglavnom nositeljica patrijarhata. Nitko ne zna bolje od glavne žene u kući, pogotovo ako je suživot transgeneracijski. Normalne žene se ne bi bunile za pomoć u kući. Svi se, dakle, slažemo da je kod nekih (mnogih?) – koje pritom baš i ne spadaju u ''normalne žene'' – objašnjenje ne u prinuđenosti, od strane patrijarhalnog tlačenja silom, već u porivu lociranom u njima samima. No, koji je sadržaj tog objašnjenja? Primijetimo da se Miss nastavljanjem zapravo ispravila; da se radi o dva različita objašnjenja koja jedno drugom skaču za vrat. Ako je priklanjanje patrijarhatu, onda je to kulturni konstrukt, ali onda to nije OKP. Što je napokon posrijedi: OKP ili žensko prihvaćanje i perpetuiranje tradicionalnog konstrukta ženske uloge?

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Prošlog sam mjeseca na fejs stranici bloga objavio tekst jedne autorke u kojem ima i ovakva rečenica. Seks je čist. (Te nastavna: Zašto se ne bismo jebali više?)

Od dokazivanja ove tvrdnje, zapravo dosta truističke, puno je zanimljivije konstatirati da uopće postoji potreba za posebnim tvrđenjem tako nečega, u (auto)sugestivne svrhe, umjesto da bude samorazumljivo i prepoznavano kao truizam. Ne bi li trebalo biti skroz-naskroz redundantno A.D. 2016. posebno isticati da je seks nešto okej i ''čisto''?

Istog sam dana prošlog mjeseca svjedočio i izjavama na zidu jedne frendice, koje su ovako izgledale:


A što ako između te dvije stvari (od istoga dana) postoji neka tajna veza? Je li to moguće? (Tog sam dana i počeo pisati ovaj post, uostalom znajući, po svojoj kristalnoj kugli, da će kasnije biti objavljen natječaj na temu.)

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U Ženskoj psihi Laure Kipnis jedno od četiri poglavlja (uz ''Zavist'', ''Seks'' i ''Ranjivost'') glasi: ''Prljavština''. U njemu se pita o neiskorjenjivosti fenomena da još uvijek toliko mnogo žena obavlja većinu kućanskih poslova. Poglavlje, nakon uvodnih pitanja, počinje odlomkom iz romana Allison Pearson u kojem poslovna žena Kate iscrpljena stiže kući u 2 ujutro (nakon prekomorskog puta, ni manje ni više) i zatim – što radi? – ordinira po kuhinji, pere suđe, omiriše krpicu, što joj se zgadi, uzdiše uz dozicu ogorčenja: ''Koliko točno užasna mora postati krpa za posuđe prije nego što netko drugi iz ove kuće pomisli da bi je trebalo baciti?''

Bismo li mogli ovdje aplicirati objašnjenje o OKP-u? Mogli bismo možda kada bi se radilo o nekoj pojedinačnoj Kate. Jer OKP je individualan poremećaj, u nekom manjem postotku populacije (2.3%, da budemo konkretni i precizni), kao što je i slučaj kod svih medicinski registriranih poremećaja. Mi, međutim, imamo posla s nečime masovnim: izrazito širokoj epidemiologiji vezanoj uz jedan spol, koja na toj širini ni izdaleka ne obilježava drugi – što nas vodi do zaključka da je i geneza upravo preko rodnog konstrukta, kao nešto instalirano u ženski ego. Trčite li izribati kupaonicu prije dolaska gostiju koji su se u posljednji čas najavili? – pita Kipnis. Onda ste po svoj prilici žensko. (Da, svi znamo za iznimke, ali molim vas slijedite me u ovome na trenutak.) Zato što žena konta da ti gosti (pogotovo žene među njima) neće reći: sram ga bilo, nego sram je bilo. Ona će se refleksno ispričavati ako je nered. Ona se boji da će loše misliti o njoj ako je nered. Nju će biti sramota čak i pred samom čistačicom ili naročito majkom (još stoput toliko). Muškog člana kućanstva boli kuki, jer mu se može da ga boli, a može mu se jer zna da neće biti suđen prema tome.

Ali ovo pitanje (super)ega ne staje na stidu pred neposrednim posjetiteljima. Zar ne možeš podići te proklete čarape? Zar nikada nisi čuo za košaru u koju se odlaže prljavo rublje? Postoji li vjerojatnost da samo jednom uđem u spavaću sobu i na podu ne ugledam tvoje donje rublje? Je l' ti ja izgledam kao tvoja majka? Jesam li ja jedina kojoj je stalo do izgleda ove kuće... Izgovaranje ovakvih tirada (potencijalno kažnjivih), s posljedičnim gubitkom interesa za seks, također nepogrešivo svrstava u žene. Kao što vidimo, ne radi se više tek o razlici u ispadanju pred gostima koja bi objasnila razliku u marenju za ''izgled ove kuće''.

Nakon mahnitog njuškanja, pranja i ribanja posuđa i pripadajuće krpice, Kate se spušta na koljena i puže hodnikom skupljajući grudice prašine. Nije da ne zapošljava čistačicu, ali ovo nadilazi čistačičine mogućnosti. Nije da ne zapošljava dadilju, ali ovo nije dadiljin posao. Ne treba vam diploma iz psihologije da shvatite kako je Kate žena koja voli pospremati sama iako se pritom pomalo osjeća kao žrtva. I kao što i opet vidimo, ne radi se tek o tome da radi nekoga i za izbjeći osudu vanjskih posjetitelja, nego Kate to prvenstveno po intrinzičnoj pobudi.



Termin kojim se u knjizi barata glasi ''poremećeno žensko poistovjećivanje s čišćenjem''. Ženi sve govori da ako joj se pronađe nered u kući, da će samim time biti ulovljena u nečemu negativnom o svojoj osobnosti, u lošijoj osobnoj vrijednosti – hoćeš majke, bake ili tetke koje su udarile standarde reda i čistoće, hoćeš stepfordske propovjednice s televizije ili drugih zakutaka, hoćeš reklamnu industriju koja na ne osobito suptilan način povezuje osjećaj osobne vrijednosti sa sjajem kupaonskih pločica.

Ali ni po muke dok taj aršin ostaje jedino izvanjski, pa i ako mu se katkad povinuje. Prave nevolje počinju time što ga se internalizira.

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Ako bi tradicionalni seksist rekao da je ženi mjesto u kuhinji, hipsterski seksist rekao bi ''LOL, da, ženi je mjesto u kuhinji'', naprosto vjerujući da je to stvar neke smiješne daleke prošlosti ili smiješnih dalekih zemalja, pritom zanemarujući činjenicu da žene i u zapadnim zemljama obavljaju više od 80% posto svakodnevnih kućanskih poslova. Takve radikalne nejednakosti i pomanjkanje autonomije odlučivanja zahtijevaju radikalne politike otpora, što i nije baš cool za ležernog hipstera. Nekad je feministička militantnost naprosto bila ne­ženstvena. Ignoriranje diskriminacije problematično je kao i njezino poticanje i podržavanje, i to je ono što cinik ne zna. Jer cinizam u konačnosti znači poslušnost.

Članak jedne djevojke o ispraznosti tobožnje distance prema ismijavanom kod određene vrste cinizma. Super rečeno. Samo, što činiti s ovom brojkom, kako bi glasio prijedlog smjera u kojem treba ići? Uzmimo da ovih 80% znači da žene 80 nečega (neke jedinične mjere obavljanja), a muškarci 20 nečega. Što smatra autorica: bi li ostvarivanje jednakosti i brisanje diskriminacije trebalo ići tako da i muškarci počnu raditi 80? Ili 50? Ili da i žene počnu raditi 20? Tko određuje koliko je nečega ukupan total? Je li to 160, 100 ili 40? Ako ona smatra da je to recimo 100, a on da je to recimo 40, kako ćemo znati tko je u pravu?

S Kate na koljenima smo već vrlo blizu komediji. Kipnis evocira Simone de Beauvoir, koja je imala jedino podsmijeh za te što kleče u isljeđivanju tragova mrvica i prašine, opsjednute cizeliranjem kućanstva; optužujući sam život zbog smeća što ga stvara sve što živi i raste. To je i vrijednosna točka s koje im se ona smije: nedajbože da im kakvo živo biće kroči preko praga – jer svaki posjet, svako čak i boravljenje, čak disanje u kući, samo stvara više sizifovskog posla za njih! A valjda ne bi dekor postojanja trebao biti važniji od postojanja samog?³

Beauvoir je ipak egzistencijalistica: u njenim očima čišćenje čini žene pomalo smiješnima. Zapravo, ono postaje vrsta ludila koje graniči s nastranošću: žene egzistencijalno ne mogu biti slobodne jer su pretjerano obuzete bezuspješnim pokušajima stjecanja nadzora nad kućanskim tričarijama.⁴

Sociologinja Arlie Hochschild skovala je termin ''druga smjena'' za fenomen o kojem i Primakka i njene komentatorice: žene danas odlaze na posao, a onda još kod kuće svejedno drže tri ili četiri kuta (čak i kad više zarađuju i imaju dulje radno vrijeme). Je li tome i dalje tako primarno zbog loše kooperacijske volje trutova, koji – kako je to Miss ošacovala – ne prihvaćaju podjelu posla te nastavljaju ''dipliti po svom''? Stvari ni izbliza nisu tako jednostavne, tumači Hochshild naširoko.

Sve ono što smo već prokomentirali: čak i kad su najemancipiraniji i najvoljniji zasukati rukave, muškarci prljavštinu jednostavno ne shvaćaju dovoljno ozbiljno, ne posvećuju joj se svim srcem i s punom temeljitošću – pa su onda i ofrlji, ne primjećuju stvari (što treba biti učinjeno ili koje stvari u kućanstvu treba zamijeniti; da je sudoper zakrčen posuđem, a da je rublje još uvijek u košari), rade loše pa se mora raditi za njima. (Prilično su ravnodušni prema svemu tome i stoga nesposobni.) Osmomartovština okupljena kod Primakke zasnovana je na kritici ovog muškog elementa, što bezočne trutovštine što nezainteresirane neupotrebljivosti. To je feminizam koji bi žensko oslobođenje htio postići kroz zahtijevanje da i muškarci postanu više poput žena – da ne budu lijeni (lijenost kao najgora bolest) – da to što i kako rifljaju one, ne rifljaju samo one, nego i oni. Ali što ako kao problem i podbačaj – i to, da se razumijemo, upravo podbačaj u očima feminizma – shvatimo ne njihovu nedovoljnu revnost nego žensku pretjeranu? Skužimo ime gore: Beauvoir; poznato je da je bila ne samo egzistencijalistica nego i kraljica majka filozofije feminističke emancipacije. A vidimo da nije zagovarala pojačavanje i usavršavanje muške voljnosti ter kućanske savjesti, nego obratno: smanjenje i opuštanje ženske. Pazi genijalnog obrata: o nejednakosti možemo govoriti jedino ako smo uvjereni da nužan total obavljenog posla iznosi 100 jedinica iz primjera gore (jer ukoliko je to recimo 40, onda činjenica da muškarci obave 20 dok žene 80 ne predstavlja diskriminaciju nego, u ovom višku od 20 do 80, privatnu damsku razbibrigu, na koju imaju pravo) – a da su one koje smatraju kako taj total iznosi 100 tek frikuše vrijedne dobrog podsmijeha (te da je upravo to idealističko-cinička poslušnost i kolaboracija s patrijarhatom), ne elaborira pritom neki zadrigli muški šovinist, nego jebena Simone de Beauvoir!

Klasičan izvod ''tradicionalne žene'': ah, kad bi barem češće primjećivao kućanske sitnice – češće bih i ja poželjela usrećiti ga tako da mu dam.⁵
A ne bi li joj to bilo uputnije preokrenuti: ah, kad bih barem rjeđe primjećivala kućanske sitnice – češće bih i poželjela usrećiti se tako da mu dam.

Sociologija je dosad već utvrdila i korelaciju emancipiranosti: što je žena manje ''tradicionalna'', to će njezin odnos prema stanju podova i radnih površina biti ''ležerniji''. U tome je paradoks većine komentatorica kod Primakke (izuzev same domaćice, pola Miss i frtalja Alžbete): radi se o diskursu koji je nasljeđivanje istog neurotskog obrasca tzv. tradicionalne žene, s ispostavljanjem da Ultra Standarda Čistoće Mora Biti, s poliranjem do visokog sjaja – samo isprojiciran na muški rod (koji po tom rezonu zakazuje te zasluženo biva grđen) u pseudofeminističkom obratu, jer misli da je to feminizam čim se oplete po trutu. Istupaju s osmomartovskim transparentima i samoshvaćanjem – s obzirom na balkanski kod muškarca uvelike i opravdano – ali osmomartovstvo bi zapravo sa sobom nosilo ne traženje da u kućanskim stvarima i muškarci postanu više poput žena (marljiviji), već da žene postanu više poput muškaraca (ravnodušnije).

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Pokazalo se, međutim, da im to baš i ne ide tako lako čak ni uz najbolju emancipacijsku volju.

Muškarac kojem je previše bed mrdnuti prstom po kući isto je što i žena kojoj je previše bed dići nos iz kućanskih poslova: kastrat, bezmudac. Ali ima frajera koje to uopće ne jebe, ne srame se nimalo. Anita sve sama radi po kući, brine se o djeci, nema nikoga ko bi joj pomogao... A i ja, kad sam u Zagrebu, ništa ne pomažem. Ne zato što me je stid, već tako, ne paše mi. (U posjeti kod Mate Miše i Anite, 1979.)

Pa normalno, jer nije Dalmatinac rođen da nosi lanac, već lančić oko vrata. U The Bitch in the House jedna od ispovjedateljica je mlada žena koja, međutim, živi s momkom samo za poželjeti što se tiče emancipiranosti i voljnosti da participira u kućanstvu, sve hoće fifty-fifty. Ali ona svejedno pobjesni kad dođe kući i ugleda sudoper pun prljavog suđa, dok se on bavi nečime svojim. Priča o tome kako se u njoj stane kuhati silno nijemo prebrojavanje i potom samo još više bijesa. Istina je – sama konačno shvaća – da želi biti ljuta iako zapravo ne zna zašto. U čemu je njena nepravednost? U tome što nigdje ne piše da je očekivao da ona opere suđe; ne, pa okej, on će ga oprati... samo poslije. To što je došao kući i prvo se bavio nečime svojim, nezasmetan hrpom prljavog suđa, ne znači da hrpu podrazumijeva kao njenu dužnost. Ali evo kvake: njoj nije moguće to što njemu jest: ostati neko vrijeme nezasmetanom. Ne može živjeti dalje normalno niti se baviti ičime svojim dok god je ona hrpa prljavštine tamo; ne može ni na što drugo misliti. Želi biti ljuta iz resentimana što on to može – kao i resentimana zbog posljedičnog opet završavanja na tome da ona više sprema i radi iako si je baš dala u zadatak da neće (a njegova nuđenja i prijedlozi postignu samo to da je još više napune bijesom).

Priča sadrži problematiku borbe sa samom sobom, inzistiranja na jednakosti participacije odnjegovanog kao (donekle umjetan) napor volje, samonagovor posredovan političkim uvjerenjem, no nepraćen stvarnim stanjem u sebi (i stoga uz izmještenu, projicirajuću autofrustraciju).⁶

Što je najvažnije otkrila Hochschild na široj statističkoj bazi? Žene koje inzistiraju na dijeljenju poslova ulagale su poseban napor da se ne opterećuju izgledom kuće: nije im, kao muškarcima, dolazilo prirodno, kao odmor od obaveze, ili točnije izostanak imanja te brige, nego su se morale tjerati na neopterećivanje, kao na zadatak koji su si dale – da okrenu glavu (''ponosno su mi govorile o stvarima koje su zanemarivale i na koje nisu obraćale pozornost''), s mnogo emocionalnog truda da prestanu misliti na kuću.

Što to ima tako neiskorjenjivo u ženskoj duši – pita se Kipnis – da će se svih drugih rudimenata tradicionalne ženstvenosti, uključujući majčinstva, ostanka kod kuće dok je rat, pa čak i ''okova čednosti'', lakše riješiti nego ''vezanosti za usisavač''? Pogazit će ako treba i ''tradicionalno seksualno ćudoređe'' prije nego nadići nagon za čišćenjem ili sklonost da se općenito više brinu oko čistoće od muškaraca, koji ostaje kao najžilaviji atavizam.

Da se ne radi o dva paralelna konkurentska rudimenta, nego o spojenim posudama – sama je poanta Kipnisinog poglavlja. Vezivanje jednoga uz drugo.

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Od podsmijeha je možda uputnije pokušati shvatiti mehanizam koji ih čini dobrovoljnim kolaboranticama patrijarhata.

Gdje je prljavština, tu je i pitanje koji je spol prljaviji. U suvremenoj društvenoj mitologiji muškarci bi mogli biti oni kojima se dodjeljuje ta omalovažavajuća uloga, ali zapravo su žene tijekom najvećeg dijela zabilježene povijesti bile smatrane prljavijim spolom.

Abrahamske religije – kao arhipuritanske – obredna pročišćavajuća pranja, strah od demonskosti i kontaminacijskog efekta ženskog elementa. Zašto te žene ne razumiju da NE znači NE? To na što žensko doziva, samim svojim postojanjem u svijetu, onime što ona tjelesno je – zlo je to, demonizam; uviđam da djevojka koja bi mi se otkrila, zlo čini – opominjao je na vrijeme blaženi Merz. Ali badava kad neoprezni ne slušaju. Mnogo ljudi je stradalo jer ih je pridobila demonska ljepota žene.


One su raskrinkane, a bravo za stradale jebače!

U cjelokupnoj povijesti civilizacije u kulturama diljem svijeta optužbe o nečistoći uvijek su bile usmjerene prema ženama, a muškarci su bili posvećeni čišćenju odvratne ženske prljavštine, često oboružani snažnim deterdžentima u obliku obreda, tabua i religije (s njezinim bezbrojnim obredima pročišćenja). Ako je suvremeni život preokrenuo stari obrazac, očito je negdje usput došlo do promjene uloga u ljudskom suparništvu oko nečistoće. Stoga se danas optužbe o prljavštini redovito upućuju na račun muškaraca: zašto ne mogu shvatiti da se treba obrisati šank, iznijeti smeće, ili prljavo rublje odložiti u košaru? Zapravo, muškarci općenito imaju i ''prljavije umove''...

Ali već na prvi pogled mi u ovom objašnjenju s preokretanjem starog obrasca nešto ne štima. Ne radi se, rekao bih, o tome da nekad žene, a danas muškarci; nije pitanje alterniranja, preuzimanja palice u jednoj te istoj stvari. U onome u čemu se ženski rod nekad označavalo prljavijim, označava ga se i dan-danas. Simultano se prljavijim smatra i muški rod – samo u drugoj stvari (s prvom koreliranoj). Razlika od nekad do danas je samo u tome što je polje na kojem su kao prljave stigmatizirane žene ponešto izgubilo na društvenoj svevažnosti (koju je nekad imalo), dok je pod lupu više nego prije stiglo polje na kojem se stigmatizira mušku prljavost.

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I was dressed down – baggy plaid shirt, baggy jeans, no make-up, scroungy hat – and now I was getting my period. I was just gross. I felt like a very gross person

Članak jedne djevojke o ''bivanju ružnom''. Zanimljivo je čitati takvo što iz pozicije muškarca, koji ne kuži baš isprva najbolje o čemu je riječ. Zašto se točno cura kad dobije osjeća kao da je gross? (i čak ''gross person''?) (Jasno kad neka djevojčica dobije prvi put, iznenadi je, ne zna što joj se to događa (propust u edukaciji na vrijeme?), no isto se čuje često i od već većih cura, koje su odavno naučile da se radi o normalnoj ženskoj biološkoj funkciji i točno znaju zašto se to događa i kako i sve.) Odnosno, taj osjećaj da si ružna jer imaš mjesečnicu – otkuda? Kako se to jedno s drugim povezuje: krvarenje dolje i subjektivni osjećaj ružnoće (lica)? Krvarenju i estrogenu nevično muško ne zna s vlastite kože sve o korelaciji trenutačne razine hormona sa zamašćenjem lica, kose, s aknama koje posljedično iskoče negdje na najisturenijem mjestu, s možda i napuhnutošću, ili o menstrualnoj krvi raznih gustoća, ljepljivoj, ili o tome kakav je osjećaj u odrasloj dobi nositi upišane pelene po čitave dane. Dodajmo da se radi o periodu nezatrudnjivosti, koja biološki logično izaziva izostanak priprave organizma na gotovs za privlačenje, kopulaciju; ženi već hormonalno ne biva tih dana puno do dotjerivanja, pa je k tome i u bolovima, u menstrualnim grčevima, ne da joj se ustajati da bi prala kosu, šminkala se, zajebavala se oko izgleda – što povratno dodaje na samoosjećaju ružnoće, zatvarajući senzaciju u krug.

Zanimljivo je čitati iz pozicije muškarca i zbog još nečega: koncepta samoosjećaja lijeposti i ružnosti kao izrazito promjenjive funkcije. It's funny, mostly, that we're in an Age of Everything Is Very Beautiful when I'm super ugly some days and that's just how it is. Stuff doesn't fit right, my hair looks weird, my face is bleeding. I'm fine. There are other days. Biva se ''super ugly'' na neke dane, a onda ima i drugačijih dana. Trenutan status fizičkog izgleda i raspoloženja o njemu kao pitanje faze ciklusa ili momenta dotjeranosti, pitanje dana, sata, minute, jedna krivulja prepuna skokova i jakih amplituda – što je svakako neobičan koncept za ravnu crtu muškog samoosjećanja u tome: možeš biti visok, lep i plav nešto manje ili nešto više, ali kakav jesi da jesi, onda si takav non-stop, nema to ujutro ovako, a popodne onako, ili ovog dana u mjesecu zgodniji, a nekog drugog manje zgodan. Stupanj tjelesne privlačnosti je pojam uz koji muški mozak veže parmenidovsko svojstvo trajnog stanja, dok se ženskom ukazuje kao heraklitovski panta rhei fenomen, vječnog fluxa, ''samo mijena stalna jest'', iz sata u sat – nešto dakle, što nije nužno datost, nego uvijek iznova podložno utjecajima, momentu... i s pratećom psihologijom permanentne pozvanosti na djelovanje. Ustani i operi kosu, učini nešto s licem, dotjeraj se, namontiraj, natrackaj, našminkaj, naparfemiraj, iskombiniraj, depiliraj noge, obrij pazuh, obrij picu – i nadaj se da ti je dobar dan, na koji ti se to sve da i na koji ti se prima. Za žene, tjelesna privlačnost je prije svega funkcija rada. Koji kad se i napravi, sutra moraš ponovo. (Nešto kao sizifovski. Nešto kao čišćenje.)

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Ako je ''čista koža'' stvar od tako malo značaja, zašto je prikrivanje one nesavršene, manjkave, nečiste toliki imperativ?

Članak jedne djevojke o površnosti odbacivanja teme kao površne: ipak je činjenica, veli, da problem s kožom (prema generalnom shvaćanju sasvim prozaičan i od strane odraslih (i vršnjaka/inja koje nije mučio) otpisivan kao prolazan i beznačajan) kao trivijalnu jadikovku uglavnom otpisuju oni/e koji/e se nikada jutrima nisu u stanju krajnjeg užasa promatrali u kupaoničkom ogledalu, očajnički pokušavajući pri/ekriti kratere koji su se aktivirali tijekom noći, prije polaska u školu u kojoj ih očekuju na desetine suučenika i suučenica spremnih registrirati i najmanju nesavršenost. Dvostruki jad, s meta-posramljenošću: nešto te jako muči i posramljuje, a onda si se još dužan posramiti što te to muči i posramljuje. Ustvrditi kako je obična tinejdžerska prištavost jedan od ključnih povoda osobnog nezadovoljstva, nesigurnosti, pa i dubokog jada, zvuči kao nepristojno preuveličavanje, bezvezni problemi nekoga dovoljno privilegiranog da takvim benignim i površinskim (jer, naposljetku, ljepota dolazi iznutra) manjkavostima pridaje toliki značaj.

Da pravi način za nositi se s problematikom nije tek olako i mudroserski proglasiti bullshit frazu ''vanjska ljepota nije važna, važno je samo ono iznutra'' – dok im je Sindika kriva već na razini promoviranja u cvijetu mladosti nečega drugog, a ne etosa te fraze (odnosno, ako se neretuširanu sliku u kasnim 40-ima krivo shvati kao naknadnu kampanju za bullshit, onda da je se optuži za licemjerje) – tema je koja me i samoga okupirala, ljetos, u postu Lítost. Ovdje je riječ o još jednom od očitovanja lítosti, vrlo izraženom: Usprkos još jednoj od ustaljenih komponenti govora o koži/kožnom, frazi ''površinske rane'' koja ističe relativnu lakoću osobnih ozljeda i njihovo neprodiranje u dublje, vitalnije slojeve, osjećaji nezadovoljstva, tjeskobe i srama koje uzrokuje nesavršena koža duboki su i dubinski. Intenzitet nelagode varira sukladno s percipiranom težinom nedostataka: od uobičajenog i očekivanog zdvajanja nad pubertetskim bubuljicama (također podložnom gradaciji ovisno o količini zahvaćenog područja), do mučnih osjećaja anksioznosti i depresije uzrokovanih promjenama/oštećenjima koje društvena poimanja ljepote i privlačnosti procjenjuju kao sažaljenja vrijedna, ružna, zastrašujuća, čudovišna. S druge strane, samovoljno uzrokovana oštećenja i ozljede na koži, prepoznatljiva kao društveni rituali samoozljeđivanja u obliku rezanja, paljenja i udaraca, iščitavaju se gotovo kao njihov negativ, vanjski izljevi tuge koja se nalazi još dublje od slojeva mišića i kostiju. Ozljede i ožiljci koji za njima ostaju funkcioniraju kao vidljiva manifestacija unutarnje boli: njihova zavaravajuća površinska beznačajnost ujedno simbolizira nepodnošljivu tjeskobu pod kožom i čini je, barem privremeno, ''stvarnom'' i opipljivo prisutnom. Osim toga, služe i kao sredstvo kontrole i utjehe putem rituala nanošenja ozljeda i kasnije palijativne skrbi i praćenja zacjeljivanja rana.

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Ključ prelaska s nomadskih zajednica na stacionarno-poljoprivrednu civilizaciju je u – privatnom vlasništvu (nad imanjima i ''sredstvima proizvodnje''). To je poznato. Ali možda je manje poznato: to je i ključ sistemske mizoginije u vrijednosnim potkama društava koja usljeđuju. Ako imaš vlasništvo nad imanjem i/li sredstvima proizvodnje, od presudne je važnosti da tvoj sin bude tvoj sin – iznad svega je, znači, bitno strogo kontrolirati žensku seksualnost. (Mušku ženama nije bila posve ista panika, analognom mjerom; valuta koja je njihovu biološku uvjetovanost stala više zanimati je kontrola i moralizam prinude nad emocionalnim sektorom. Jer ne prijeti im opasnost da dijete koje rode ne bude njihovo, ali im prijeti opasnost da ostanu same s djetetom, bez brige i resursa oca, pa im instinkt nalaže da gorom i bolnijom od seksualne vide ''emocionalnu nevjeru''.) Slobodna grupna ljubav pećinskog čovjeka – kao izvorna priroda ljudske seksualnosti – zamijenjena je tako hegemonskim kulturnim kanonom zavjetne, zapovjedne monogamije, koja doduše neljudski i nakaradno ugnjetava oba spola, ali se seksualnim zahtjevima čednosti/čistoće, odnosno uzurpacijom reproduktivnih prava, posebno surovo prelama na ženskim leđima.⁷

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U Ljetnom postu (od ljeta '13) bavio sam se idealom djevičanstva pokretanim na gorivo purifikacije, pročišćavanja, te neukaljanosti (životom u stvarnom svijetu). Čovjeka kiča mogli bismo definirati nemogućnošću podnošenja neprijatnog dijela stvarnosti, kao čovjeka kojem je potrebno negirati sve ono iz svijeta što mu kalja pretkoncepciju čistoće. Nedovoljno plemenite stvari, koje se ne uklapaju u sliku, gurnuti pod tepih. Tim gore po činjenice! Volja okrenuti glavu; zažmiriti; vidjeti stvari onakvima kakve one nisu, prezentirati ih ''ljepšima''. Zasladiti, krivotvoriti, ušminkati, retuširati. Romantizirati. John Ruskin tako nije mogao podnijeti da mu mladenka na pubisu ima, sakloni bože, dlake – i nije htio konzumirati brak saznavši za to. Co to maš međ nogami?! Pavel iz Gombrowiczeve priče Djevičanstvo nije pak mogao podnijeti pomisao da mu zaručnica Alicija nekad mora na zahod – i odlučio se praviti da to nije istina, jer ne može biti istina.

Peri, peri, moj golube bijeli. Prljavština je, tumači Kipnis (u naslanjanju na Fantaziju o prljavštini, esej Lawrencea Kubiea iz 1937.), središnja kategorija u životima svih ljudskih bića budući da je cijela koncepcija ''prljavštine'' povezana s mirisima i tvarima čije postojanje općenito volimo poricati – sa svim onim tjelesnim funkcijama kojih se sramimo i svim nečistim tjelesnim izlučevinama od kojih se, mi, civilizirana bića, volimo držati podalje. Očito je da prljavština najviše podsjeća na... izmet. Drugim riječima, i naša su vlastita tijela krivci kada pričamo o prljavštini. Tijelo je ''svojevrsna pokretna i prijenosna tvornica prljavštine koja kroz svaki otvor ispušta nečistoće'', objašnjava nam dr. Kubie. To je pomalo uznemirujuće, a nelagodna spoznaja da su i sama naša tijela duboko prljava jedan je od razloga zašto izbjegavamo sve što nas podsjeća na naše temeljno nečisto stanje.

Pod povećalo dolazi odnos eksterijer – interijer; tu se lomi ta drama. Da ne zagadimo čistu kožu gadnime iznutra (npr. fekalijama), te da ne zagadimo izvanjskim gadostima i mikrobima osjetljive unutarnje predjele (možemo se zaraziti kroz oči, nos, usta, donje rupe). Kritični stoga u oba smjera postaju otvori na tijelu.

Ne stoji pritom isto kod žena i muškaraca. Tu je za početak prstohvat povezivanja prljavštine, nereda, kaosa, s konceptima ugroženosti i ranjivosti – povezivanja, istinabog, pretežno od iracionalno fobične vrste – pri (samo)percepciji žena kao ranjivijeg spola. Nadovezuje se ona najočitija i najprozaičnija razlika među spolovima s obzirom na tjelesne otvore: žene imaju jedan više, i to kakav! Ranjiv. Žene vaginu percipiraju kao veća potencijalna vrata kontaminacije i ugroze čak i od usta. Zatim nastupa i obratan smjer, po kojem se ne radi samo o rupi najveće zagadljivosti od svih na tijelu, nego i najviše zagađujućoj (to je jako za debatu, ali ponavljam što čujem). Ako su tjelesne izlučevine oduvijek pojam prljanja i zagađenja, i tu postoji gradacija, pa su suze smatrane najčišćima, a mjesečnica najprljavijom (u nekim kulturama žene koje su dobile ne smiju pripremati ili posluživati hranu). Ispuštanje potoka guste, ljepljive krvi u redovitim ciklusima, vonj, mašćenje i sve što smo već navodili. Ali prije svega se radi o obliku paranoje svojstvene strahu od mraka i mračnih uličica, kad ne znamo što nas može zaskočiti od tamo gdje nam oko više ne seže. Kroz povijest se žene smatralo prljavijim spolom vjerojatno i iz te tako banalne okolnosti da se naprijed istaknuti dijelovi tijela, koje i vidimo na van, i koji su suha koža (kurac), smatraju čišćima i manjim potencijalnim onečišćivačima, odnosno plodnim tlima da budu onečišćeni, od rupa na tijelu, pogotovo ako su te rupe vlažne, meke, sluzave, mračna mjesta skrivena od pogleda u svojim unutarnjim predjelima. Vagina se često povezuje s truljenjem i propadanjem i smatra se prolazom kroz koji zlo dolazi na ovaj svijet. Zapravo, cijelo se žensko tijelo često doživljava izvorom opasne zaraze, središtem brojnih bizarnih tabua i praznovjerja od kojih mnoga i danas postoje.

Nije tajna da su organizirane religije svojom sociološkom funkcijom kerberi status quo-a društvenih poredaka – prvi svećenici stupaju na scenu s prvim poljoprivrednim civilizacijama, elem s vlasništvom (nad imanjima, sredstvima proizvodnje i privatiziranim ženama). U sklopu takve svoje funkcije, jedan od prvih zadataka im je stoga biti i instrument kontrole nad ženskom seksualnošću, usađujući im u tjelesnost krivnju, sram i autootpor: Doslovno sve najveće svjetske religije na neki način izražavaju mržnju prema ženskome tijelu smatrajući ga okuženim i nečistim, gnušajući se također onih nedoličnih mjesečnih izlučina. Pravila koja među ortodoksnim Židovima određuju bračne odnose nalažu da se supružnici odreknu seksa od početka ženine mjesečnice do tjedan dana nakon njezina prestanka, a da mu se iznova posvete tek nakon što žena obavi mikve ili obredno pročišćavajuće kupanje; prije toga ona se smatra nečistom. U Kur'anu se iznose slična ograničenja.

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Ničega logičnijeg i očekivanijeg nego da će vijekovna stavljenost pod kafkijansku optužbu – dakle, ne zbog nekog pojedinog krivog čina, nego zbog osnove bića, zbog (prljavosti) samoga onoga što se jest – i rezultirati kafkijanskom reakcijom, sa samookrivljavanjem, s postiđenošću zbog samoga onoga što jesu, iz osjećaja vlastite unutarnje nečistoće, s latentnom opsesijom da nikada neće biti dovoljno čiste te da moraju dokazivati vlastitu čistoću – kao oblik otklanjanja sumnje sa sebe (uvijek iznova uzaludnog).

Opsesija s društvenih propovjedaonica kontaminacijskim učinkom ženskog tijela prebacuje se u njih same unutra, u njihovu vlastitu samoprojekciju. Nije čak potrebno potpadati pod teološku kapu – prešlo je u uvjetne reflekse imanja problema s vlastitim tijelom na široj bazi. Svojevrstan neurotični odnos između tijela i doživljaja sebe još je uvijek, nažalost, dio ženskog naslijeđa, piše Kipnis.

U Kunderinoj Besmrtnosti pratimo dvije sestre, Agnes i Lauru. Laura u trgovini mazno gladi grudnjak, sa senzualnim patosom, dok je Agnes gleda i ne kuži u tome: za Agnes je grudnjak spadao u onu kategoriju predmeta koji trebaju ispraviti neki tjelesni nedostatak, kao što je i zavoj, proteza, naočale ili kožni ovratnik koji bolesnik nosi nakon povrede vratnih kralježaka. Grudnjak bi trebao poduprijeti nešto što je zbog lošeg proračuna teže nego što bi trebalo biti i zato mora naknadno biti podvezano, otprilike kao kad se ispod nestručno izgrađenoga balkona dodaju stupići i potpornji da se ne bi srušio. Drugim riječima: grudnjak odaje tehnički karakter ženskoga tijela. Često se uhvati kako zavidi muškarcima – na tome što ne moraju stalno biti svjesni toga da imaju tijelo – ustanovljujući bitnu razliku između muške i ženske sudbine: žena provodi mnogo više vremena u diskusijama o svojim tjelesnim problemima; nije joj dano da bezbrižno zaboravi na svoje tijelo. Počinje to šokom zbog prvoga krvarenja; tijelo je iznenada tu a ona stoji nasuprot njemu kao strojar kojemu je naređeno da održava u pogonu malu tvornicu: mijenjati svaki mjesec tampone, gutati tablete, zakopčavati grudnjak, pripremati proizvodnju. Agnes je sa zavišću promatrala stare muškarce; činilo joj se da stare drugačije: tijelo njezina oca se polako pretvaralo u vlastitu sjenu, dematerijaliziralo se, ostalo je na svijetu kao čista, nemarno utjelovljena duša. Suprotno tome, tijelo žene, što je nepotrebnije, tim je više tijelo: teško i opterećujuće; nalikuje staroj manufakturi određenoj za demontažu, u kojoj ženino ja mora ostati do kraja kao čuvar.

A tu je i složen odnos spram seksa, s obzirom na istovremenu želju i krivnju i onda još strahove upisane u instinkt kakve biologija muškog instinkta ne poznaje (od trudnoće ili boli). Složen odnos ovdje znači podvojenost, a podvojenost oblik neuroze, jer se neće ono što se hoće (a i kad se hoće, navaljuje se krivnja izvana i/li iznutra).

Trajno nezadovoljstvo svojom fizikom – vječito joj hoće mijenjati oblik i svojstva. Kozmetička industrija tu dolazi na svoje; Kubie je govorio o ''kompulzivnoj kozmetičkoj kompenzaciji''.⁸



Bi li silni postupci uljepšavanja prije svakog napuštanja kuće, pa čak i unutar kuće, mogli imati kakve veze s osjećajem beznadežne manjkavosti tijela, koje nije besprijekorno, koje ima svojih imperfekcija, koje potajno katkad i krvari, koje nije jednostavno izložiti tuđem oku, koje se svako malo osjeća ružno i nezadovoljavajuće ili neprihvatljivo (uslijed same magnifikacije pitanja ljepote i tijela kod njih, sa sistemskom dovedenošću u pitanje)? Čini se da Kubie želi istaknuti da se čak i svakodnevni ''najuobičajeniji'' ženski obredi temelje na obrambenim mehanizmima – obrani od nesvjesnih osjećaja prljavštine; beskonačno uljepšavanje mehanizam je koji bi čistom snagom kozmetike trebao ublažiti osjećaj ružnoće.

Teza: upravo zbog povećane opsjednutosti mogućnostima kontaminiranosti i kontaminiranja, odnosno vlastitom imanentnom prljavošću ili barem pojačanom prezentnošću tjelesnosti, ili već nekim od oblika problematičnosti u tijelu, su žene posvećenije nego muškarci ''neutralizirajućim obrednim vrstama ponašanja'' (čitaj: pranju i čišćenju).

''Čišćenje mi pomaže da izađem na kraj s osjećajima u svome tijelu.''
(Louise Rafkin, profesionalna čistačica, u Other People's Dirt.)

''Žene koje promatramo u fokusnim skupinama ribaju svoja lica kao da ribaju radne površine u svojim kuhinjama – pretjerano ih trljaju žustrim pokretima u smjeru naprijed-natrag.''
(Portparolica marke kozmetike Shiseido, citirana u O, The Oprah Magazine.)

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Simultano dok su prve sufražetkinje tražile pravo glasa za žene i jednakost spolova pred zakonom, iskristalizirala se tijekom 19. st. naročita vrsta društvenog puritanizma: ženski pokret za društvenu čistoću. Agenda im je bila higijensko + ćudoredno pročišćavanje muškaraca i muškog ponašanja, tjeranje ih u red. Zapravo, priča Kipnis, borba se vodila oko dvostrukih seksualnih mjerila, iako, nažalost, ne u ime veće seksualne slobode za žene (to je prepušteno šačici odvažnih boraca za slobodnu ljubav), nego stoga što se željelo postići da se muškarci ponašaju onako kako se to očekivalo od seksualno suzdržanih žena. Poticanje osjećaja krivnje u muškarcima zbog njihovih prljavih seksualnih nagona bila je jedna važna taktika; na opće iznenađenje to je uhvatilo korijena kod većeg broja muškaraca koji su sami počeli organizirati lige posvećene muškoj čednosti, koje su se borile protiv štetne literature, razglednica prljavog sadržaja i masturbacije.

U redu, Markićka, ali i hrasturbator Ilčić. (Što, zbunjeni ste? Otkud sad ovi u povijesnoj priči? Niste valjda mislili da bi suvremena neokonzervativna Hrvatska bila gdje drugdje nego u 19. stoljeću?)

Puritanka je ženska forma koja nezavidnost svog položaja kontroliranijeg, ugnjetavanijeg spola u predavanju ''prljavostima'', sublimira u iluziju moralne superiornosti (esencijalno pristajući uz cinizam hegemonskog kulturnog idealizma): moralno su žene bile nadmoćnije budući da je ženska seksualnost ponajprije mentalna, a tek zatim tjelesna; muška seksualnost povezivala se s prljavštinom koju treba dobro izribati, a žene su bile moralna snaga obdarena jedinstvenom sposobnošću za obavljanje tog posla. Pitanje je kako su žene, koje su ne tako davno – čak sve do početka osamnaestoga stoljeća – bile smatrane raskalašenijim spolom, iznenada postale tako čiste i pune čestitosti te se pretvorile u nove nacionalne čuvare ćudoređa?

Kako? Pa baš zbog te okrivljenosti istočnim ženskim grijehom formiraju se internalizacijski usuprot njemu (umjetno, u kafkijanskoj kompulziji da se dokažu Sudu koji ih baca u nemilost) – da budu sve suprotno od raskalašenosti i prljavosti, s posvećivanjem u mjerodavnu Krepost. Nije uopće paradoksalno i za čuditi se, nego najlogičnije moguće. Kipnis se, osim na Kubieja, i na Freuda poziva: Cijeli svijet vaginu smatra prljavom i taj osjećaj prljavštine biva internaliziran, a svakom svjesnom priznanju tih osjećaja pruža se otpor – no snaga obrane mjerilo je dubine ozljede. (...) I zato, objašnjava Freud, postoji svo to žensko moraliziranje i isticanje vlastite kreposti u odnosu na mjerila čistoće i zbog toga se tako velika pažnja posvećuje svakom aspektu prljavštine, i tjelesnom i društvenom: čiščenje nikada nije neutralna aktivnost za one koje imaju žensku anatomiju. Drugim riječima, ako je žene svijet proglasio nečistima, njihovo preuzimanje društvene uloge sile koja obavlja čišćenje ima određen turoban i zamršen smisao.

Tako sad malo one mogu biti čistiji spol, ali su si natovarile i psihotiku na vrat, oslobađanja svijeta prljavštine. S više manije nego srca: ribanje lica i tijela, ribanje kuće, ribanje društva, ribanje seksa (i prljavih muških misli, jezika, ponašanja)...

Na jedan iz mora otrcanih savjeta za žene o tome kako živjeti s muškarcem u kući (kao primarno onečišćivačem prije nego bilo što drugo) – da jednu košaru za veš postave u kut spavaće sobe, kako ih prljave gaće i čarape razbacane bilo kud ne bi distraktirale u krevetu – pala je nečija podrugljiva primjedba: ''Iza jednostavne tvrdnje da su muškarci neuredni skriva se strah od seksualne intimnosti toliko krhke da je može uništiti i prljavo rublje.'' Odbojnost, riječima Joan Didion, ''prema seksualnom životu odraslih – koliko je čišće zauvijek ostati djetetom''.⁹

Srce cijele stvari je u ovom sinkretizmu sanitarne i seksualne linije sklanjanja u purifikacijski eskapizam. Obje dolaze s istog centralnog mjesta posramljenosti, s vezivanjem osjećaja osobne vrijednosti. Nemati tijelo, biti djevojčica, biti u stanju apriornom prvoj mjesečnici, biti nevina (od krivnje toga da se ima tijelo, koje je žensko tijelo) – chateaubriandovski ideal djevičanstva koje ne želi znati za postojanje govna u svijetu (i s vlastite strane iskenjanog). Pomislivši na to da čak i Alicija, božemiprosti, sere – okolnost koja ju baca s neba nazad na zemlju, kompromitirajući je, svrgavajući kao anđela – Pavel stvara pritisak na sebe da mora biti čišći, tj. izignorirati tu činjenicu, naporom volje izbaciti iz glave opasnu pomisao, vratiti se u stanje prve nevinosti, prije nego mu je sinula.

Deziderat povratka u stanje prije pada – prethodeće istočnom grijehu posjedovanja ženske anatomije – u kojem se još moglo biti anđelom.

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Ako ne doslovno zaboraviti na imanje tijela, kako je to Agnes predložila, muškarci svakako imaju luksuz biti njime neopterećeniji, nonšalantniji, manje se vrtjeti oko njegovih momenata funkcije i prezentacije – lakši. Jedna od konzekvenci je da će bitno rjeđe dolaziti u napast prometati se u moralne zvijezde vodilje; neće im biti ispod časti tako negdje srednje čista izdanja, uključujući ne preredovito baratanje partvišem i seksualni život odraslih.

Drugi val feminizma rascijepio se na više struja, od kojih bih za ovu priliku izdvojio dvije: s jedne strane tzv. liberalne feministice (''libfems''), na tragu sufražetkinja, sa stavljanjem naglaska na ravnopravnost u radu, socijalna pitanja, reproduktivne slobode i druge oblike konstruktivne kritike patrijarhalne diskriminacije, u pozivanju na građanska prava (feminizam kao advokatura – ili da sam Englez, rekao bih enforcement – naprosto boljih uzusa građanskosti, već zapisanih u ustavima sekularnih republika!), i tzv. radikalne feministice (''radfems'') s druge strane, primarno vođene fiksacijom na nevaljalštinu muškog roda, njegovu inherentnu prljavost, nasilnost i zlost kontra žena, s naglaskom na seksualno zgrješavanje im, koje vide u manje-više svemu. Ne krijem svoje jasne simpatije za one prve, a nikako za ove druge, no pozor – sporno mjesto mi nije pitanje stupnja radikalnosti, kao što bi se iz nomenklature podjele sugeriralo, nego što potonje u sebi sadrže vrlo izraženu crtu puritanki iz 19. stoljeća. Mizandrija im je iz skroz krivih razloga. Ono o čemu je i Didion. Prepoznaje to i Kipnis: Trebalo se boriti s novim stresnim pokorama: to nisu bili mikroorganizmi nego ''opredmećenje žena'' (''prljave misli''), pošast pornografije (''prljavština''), a na red su došle čak i seksi šale koje su se zbijale na radnom mjestu. Iz nekog se razloga ženski reformizam neprekidno vraća na temu prljavštine; u temelju se nalazi zahtjev za pročišćavanjem muškaraca.)

Zašto mislim da nije pravilno reći kako su nekad žene smatrane prljavijim spolom da bi danas to postali muškarci, odnosno da je došlo do neke štafete, s preuzimanjem palice stigme? Jer su to usporedne vezane pojave, također spojene posude, a ne sukcesivna zamjena jednog vrijednosnog koda drugim. Stigmatizacija ženske šatro prljavosti produkt je povijesne mizoginije patrijarhalnih kultura. Stigmatizacija muške šatro prljavosti drugačijeg je žanra, ali je jednako produkt patrijarhalnog koda, samo posredno, kao refleksija te iste mizoginije vraćene kroz žensku internalizaciju u obliku moralne superiornosti koja se iz prozvanosti za prljavost prekompenzirala u drugi pol, u Čistoću i Krepost, i kojoj se sada sve što je samo puko srednje čisto ponašanje normalne neopterećenosti (a uopće ne zadovoljava iste standarde zagrižene steriliziranosti) ukazuje kao nedovoljno plemenito, što zaslužuje stoga prijekor i barem jedno dobro peglanje po crti, ako ne i bacanje u lance.

Prošloga sam mjeseca, u postu Kalifete na fete, pogrešnom označio povremenu navadu feminizma da vlastitu opreku tumači potencirajući puko spolnu osnovu (muškarci protiv, žene za), depotencirajući značaj kulturalne i svjetonazorske osnove. I ovdje sam na istom tragu. Svakako da nije fer kako se represivna seksualna kultura stacionarnih civilizacija s usađivanjem krivnje zbog prljavosti brutalnije okomila na ženski rod. Ali rješenje sigurno nije u tome da frontu premjestimo na sukob spolova kao takvih, s tumačenjem da je određen spol (muški), a ne određen kod (patrijarhalni) ono što je milenijima nasilno prema ženama, s isto puritanizmom samo obrnutog smjera, koji se protiv inkriminiranosti za nečistost bori inkriminiranjem za nečistost. Kontriranje patrijarhatu i mizoginiji koje se i samo bazira na mizoginom patrijarhalnom moralu, u njegovoj seksualnoj rigidnosti, u nesvjesnom potpadanju. Rješenje je jedino u općem odbacivanju (od strane oba spola) moralizma čistoće.

Američka narodna: pita Perica tatu koliko bi nogu imalo eno ono tamo tele, ako mu proglasimo i rep nogom. – Pa pet, sine. – Ama, dragi tata – pouči ga Perica – ne bi, nego ipak četiri. To što se mi namislimo nešto zvati nogom, ne znači da to odmah i je noga.

Parabola se asocirala nekom tipu na internetu u osvrtu na meme koji je digao prašinu na isto nekim internetima.


Tvrdi tip: ne, parabola je ''silly'', otac je u pravu, a Perica je pametnjaković (smartass). Words mean things – korelacija na koju se poziva. U hipotetskoj situaciji u kojoj bismo i repove zvali nogama, definicija noge ne bi ekstremitetu nalagala obavljanje funkcije nošenja tijela suprotivo gravitaciji, nego bi se zadovoljila općenitijim svojstvom: štrčanjem van osnovnog torza. Words mean things. If tails were also called legs, the definition of legs would not be ''the things that get stood on''. It would be, rather, ''the things that stick out of the torso''.

Kako shvatiti ovdje autora osvrta?

Uzmemo li ga za ozbiljno, to bi značilo da zagovara prihvaćanje kao fiksnog momenta u kojem rep zovemo nogom te korigiranje definicije pojma noge s tim u skladu. Otac je u pravu, a sin smartass jer otac korekciju spontano prihvaća, a sin evo ne. No, što bi u tom slučaju značilo uvodno words mean things? Zastupanjem toga bio bi u kontradikciji sa zastupanjem da bi riječ ''noga'' trebala značiti razne stvari kako nam se kad namjesti.

Strukturalistička teorija elaborirala je da značenje pojma uistinu ne proizlazi platonističkim esencijalizmom direktno iz nekog skupa slova. To što piše baš l-e-g ne znači da se nužno mora odnositi na ''things that get stood on''. Moglo je pisati i drugačije, npr. n-o-g-a ili j-a-m-b-e ili b-e-i-n itd., ili je u svakom od jezika slučaj mogao odabrati drugačiju riječ za označavanje iste stvari. Ne postoji direktna, bogomdano predefinirana veza od neke stvari ili pojave do riječi koju za nju koristimo; arbitrarna je. Ali znači li to odmah da je značenje potpuno proizvoljno? Ne, naravno. Iz čega onda proizlazi? Iz relacije ''označitelja i označenog'' – tako se to akademski kaže – a misli se na naučenu konvenciju po kojoj neku riječ rabimo. Iako ne postoji bogomdana veza od skupa slova d-o-g do životinje koju prepoznajemo kao psa, svodi se na puku konvenciju – te bi logički gledano jednako opravdano ili neopravdano bilo da smo naučili tu životinju označavati primjerice skupom slova c-a-t – prisutnost onakve, a ne ovakve konvencije je činjenica s kojom treba računati. Značenje izjave ''words mean things'' sadržano je u rekogniciji te činjeničnosti. Što bismo postigli ako bismo na psa natakli oznaku mačka? Bili bismo samo zbunjeni i mi i on.


Zamislimo analognu parabolu u kojoj otac u garaži drži auto i bicikl i Perica ga pita koliko auta posjeduje ako mu i bicikl proglasimo autom. U okviru prihvaćanja tako zadane igre morao bi reći da dva, ali – očitije nego u prethodnom primjeru – radilo bi se o apsurdnom odgovoru. Riječ ''auto'' ima svoje značenje, u koje ono na što mislimo pod ''biciklom'' ne spada, a ukoliko bismo ih htjeli obuhvatiti zajedničkim pojmom, ne bi se radilo o pojmu ''auto''; za tu svrhu već postoje razne kategorije pojma ''prijevozna sredstva''.

Bilo bi stoga razborito pretpostaviti da je autor osvrta bio ironičan: ne samo zato što bi pri ozbiljnom izgovaranju bio u kontradikciji s vlastitom opaskom o riječima koje nose svoje značenje, nego i zato što bi pri ozbiljnom izgovaranju govorio teške gluposti, sam bio smartass. Konačno, nastavlja ovime: But in our world, legs are actually the things that get stood on, and dogs have four of them. Iskoristio je ironiju kao temelj za svoj stav da je ispravna shema ona lijevo, u kojoj hlače psu pokrivaju sve četiri noge – za narugati se predominantnom mišljenju da je ispravna shema desno. Ako su hlače pokrivalo za noge, a noge nisu riječ bez značenja, a pas ih, jebemu, ima četiri, onda i sve četiri trebaju biti pokrivene ukoliko ćemo nešto zvati hlačama!

Ali nije u pravu.

Dilema iz memea koristi dvoznačnost anatomskog i funkcionalnog rezona gledanja na ono što bismo nazvali prednjim ili gornjim ekstremitetima. Po anatomskom rezonu, radi se o jednome te istom kod ljudi i kod pasa; istoj točki organizma. Po funkcionalnom rezonu, na djelu je razlika: gornji ekstremiteti kod ljudi upražnjavaju funkciju ruku (njima se nešto radi), prednji ekstremiteti kod pasa pak funkciju nogu (na njima se stoji).

Teza o ispravnosti sheme desno počiva na anatomskom rezonu, na logici zajedničke bazne anatomije. Tako primjerice razmišlja Jay Hathaway koju kritizira autor našeg osvrta: ''Every dog ever seen in pants has sported the two-legged variety'', Hathaway writes. ''Try to imagine the four-leg garment on a human, or question how it would even stay up without suspenders. Unless you're contemplating it at 3 a.m., like the original artist, it is absurd.''

Teza o ispravnosti sheme lijevo počiva na funkcionalnom rezonu – hlače su za noge, a prednji ekstremiteti su definirani svojom funkcijom, dakle na psu nošenjem težine tijela, dakle pseće hlače morale bi ih uključivati: pants cover all your legs. That’s what pants do. Humans wear two-legged pants because we have two legs. Dogs, on the other hand, have four legs. Ergo, dogs should wear four-legged pants. The left image is correct, and Hathaway is wrong.

Ta mu logika ima, međutim, dvije bitne rupe. Iako je u pravu kada noge definira njihovom funkcijom i ironizira ideju da bi moglo biti slobodne interpretacije pojma, nejasno je zašto bismo uopće ovdje morali kao odlučujuću uzimati baš specifičniju optiku funkcionalne razine (da se radi o nogama), umjesto općenitije anatomske optike (da se radi o prednjim ekstremitetima). I ovo potonje je isto točno, samo se radi o različitim podešenjima okulara. Tvrdi: zato što se u memeu pita ne za bilo što, nego baš za hlače. E, ali tu li smo. Preolako podrazumijeva definiciju samih hlača! Jesu li one stvarno namijenjene tako prostoneprošireno – pokrivanju nogu? Ne pokrivaju li, recimo, i dupe, i genitalije? Bismo li bili u krivu da pokrivanje ovih intimnijih područja shvatimo kao njihovu, štoviše, primarniju funkciju od pokrivanja nogu? Nije li točno – u čemu se autor naposljetku i sam hvata – da neke hlače, kojima isto kažemo hlače, uopće neće previše pokrivati noge (tzv. kratke hlače, šorc)? Ali guzicu i međunožje hoće svake.

Znači li to da se sam priklanjam shemi desno? Ma jok, od opredjeljivanja za jedan od dva optička rezona puno je zabavnije zadržati se na humoru proizlazećem iz njihove međusobne supostavljenosti.

Još u školi je ručicu dizao vešto
i već se znalo da postaće nešto.
O, već se znalo da postaće neko, ko bog.

Bandatar nalazi kako moderna država mora štititi svoje manjine i stoga mu je – u saltu logike – primjena zakonske mjere u tu svrhu temporalno uvjetovana, pitanje vremena: je li ili nije vrijeme. Ma hoćemo, hoćemo, inzistirat ćemo na zakonskim pravima manjina... jednom nekad, kad bude zgodnije, kad (sad ide šifra) ne budu rane još svježe (čitaj: kad im to, ako ikad, odobre kao prihvatljivo neki koji si tu stvar krivo spajaju na nakaradan način). Građevinska država kao i dalje talac bukačkog dijela većine – to mu je recept za izvlačenje zemlje iz statusa farse?

Bez krivice, u štampu je stigao skokom
jer kad kreneš tim poznatim tokom
tad svi ručice podižu vešto, jen-dva!

Bandatar ne podilazi tek tom obliku pseudo-patriotske patologije palanke, nego svakom mogućem. U kontekstu pervertirane inflatiranosti braniteljske klase u status novog subnora, jedino što zna reći su vječite istine kako bez branitelja ne bismo imali slobodnu državu i da se za njih nekada molilo iz Kanade i da im valja štititi dignitet. A kakav mu je stav o žici na granici sa Slovenijom? Ne bi se izjašnjavao, osim generalno da iznad svega ''moramo štititi svoje interese''. Šifra: Kolinda.

Kao Bane, dobri sin, tih i miran, čist i fin,
kao Bane, vaspitan i solidan i koristan.
Kao Bane, vredni mrav, poslušan i učtiv sav,
kao Bane, odmeren i usmeren i proveren za sve.

Bandatar – za biti čim solidniji, odmjereniji i provjereniji i začešljaniji na poslovno – nastoji izbjeći izjašnjavanje, ako je ikako moguće, i o manje-više svemu ostalom što ga se pita – vidjet će, reći će nam još, konzultirat će se, on je i za ovo i za ono rješenje... Idemo svi ručice gore! Desna varijanta lignjokracije – tek što smo se Josipovića riješili. A pogotovo kad je riječ o ''svjetonazorskim pitanjima'', kao da je posrijedi neka politička marginalnost. On je tu važnijim poslima, tj. s kalkulatorom, za računati mjere štednje po ukusu stranih gospodara novca. Jao, jao, što će reći kreditne agencije i Europska komisija, prva nam je briga (i račun!) implementirati reformske mjere da oni budu zadovoljni. Kakvi su mu stavovi o umjetnoj oplodnji, o pobačaju? Sada se fokusiram na gospodarski i socijalni dio. A to izgleda nije socijalni dio? Ovakva tobožnja depolitizacija politike prava je bizarna mostovska šifra za podvaljivanje ustoličenja dubioznog svjetonazorskog paketa u ambalaži nominalne bezbojnosti, k'o fol odterećenja od svjetonazorskih podjela. Ideja da bi moglo biti nekakvog ''nepolitičkog'' pristupa odavno je prokazana kao finta (za tim efikasnije politiziranje) čak i u književnoj kritici i ostalim razbibrigama, a kamoli u matičnoj disciplini politike samoj.¹

Mi smo rasli u šarenom kraljevstvu igre
al on je imao drugi pedigre,
mali Bane je bio daleko od tog.

Bandatar ipak o nečemu ima čvrst stav: decidirano je za vezu sveučilišta i biznisa, pupčano da se spoji akademski život i poslovni život privatnog sektora u tehnokratski obrazovni sustav čiji će jedini smisao biti u treningu za tržište rada. Da bi moglo biti nekog čovječanstveno bitnog procesa znanja i onkraj aplikacije u trgovačkim društvima – ne spada u koncepte koje bi razumio; kalkulator mu nema tu funkciju.

Tu i tamo, tek ponekad sretnem tog dečka,
crna tašna i šofer i mečka,
TV dnevnik ga forsira nešto, o da!

Bandatar uživa i najtoplije podržavanje, s najvišim preporukama, dosadašnjeg ministra Varge. Najnajnajnaj. Zašto me nije začudilo da će se, od svih iz sastava bivše vlade, najbolje i najsrdačnije razumjeti upravo s najbesprizornijim i najnotornijim govnarom među govnarima? Doznajemo da njih dva rado razmjenjuju iskustva i inače. Družili smo se privatno, sa suprugama, večerali zajedno. Mora da su i crne mečke čekale vani, ako se već od crnih aktovki nisu dali odvojiti. Premda scena vrvi elementima za gađenje, na djelu je, tvrdim, bio onaj princip iz jednog od naših klasičnih romana, kada se također radilo o plutokratskim konspiratorima na fatalnoj zagrebačkoj večeri sa suprugama: čovjeku se, eto, ne gadi ništa što se može pojesti ili oploditi. Svi sad ponavljaju mantru kako se radi o sposobnom čovjeku koji je znao zaraditi i da ga to čini kompetentnim za vođenje države. Alo, bre, kakva je to kvalifikacija sposobnosti – da je znao zaraditi? Cui bono: za koga je znao zaraditi? Za svoju korporaciju. A kako je to točno uspijevao? Pa tako što mu je opis radnog mjesta bilo zavaljati naivne državne administracije (čitaj: kooperativne da budu zavaljane). A mi ga ni pet ni šest nego uzeli za premijera! To je kao da imamo stado ovaca i za prvog psa čuvara vrbujemo vuka o kojemu smo se osvjedočili da posebno uspješno tamani ovce – jer, je li, očito je sposoban, najviših kvalifikacija i CV-a, ''vrhunski stručnjak''. Koji smo mi šaran od države; taman nam je trebao jedan takav koji voli pecati i bez prestanka mu je biznis na pameti.²

Ali Bane, taj je imao izloge prazne,
pa smo zato za funkcije razne
svi mi večito birali njega, u glas.

Bandatar sluša – ako treba, pokazat će i iPhone, da ne bi ispalo kako laže – Olivera, Queen, Rolling Stonese, Guns&Roses i Pavarottija. Pa dabome. Znao sam i prije nego što sam pročitao. Postoji li na ovom svijetu ijedan Bane, ponos majke svoje, a da ne sluša (lokalnog) Olivera, Queen, Rolling Stonese, Guns&Roses i Pavarottija (tim redoslijedom)? To je taman po očekivanom.³ Bandatar se, osim toga – i opet taman po očekivanom – a i kako bi drugačije – u prvom bandatarskom javnom pojavljivanju naslikao u crkvi na misi. Gdje bi drugdje? Ističe: prakticirajući je katolik, te s obitelji (četvero djece, molim lijepo!) redovito pohodi crkvu. Naivnom nekom mogla bi se javiti zapitanost: nije li to donekle u neskladu s drugom stranom ličnosti koju pokazuje? Crkva, jelte, propovijeda okretanje od materijalnih ka duhovnim vrijednostima, a prvo što na njemu upada u oči je da se radi o naglašeno ''svjetovnom'' profilu dnevnog funkcioniranja: biznis, zarađivanje, lova, financije, para, đenge... No, radi se i o lažnoj dilemi. Ako se netko po čitav dan bavi biznisom, izvjesno je da se ne bavi vlastitim kreativnim rastom i razvojem: ne piše, ne slika, itd., jedva ako išta i čita (a i tada se u pravilu na noćnom ormariću koči neki Coelho ili Šalković – bolje bi im bilo gasiti elektriku). Ništa čudno da će i ići svijetom kao suštinski dosadni likovi, praznih izloga, filistri lišeni zrnca duha. Što takvima jedino preostaje kada im dođe pretenzija da malo budu i ''duhovni''? Mijenjati definiciju ''svjetovnosti'': ne više u značenju filistarstva, nego opće ljudske sudbine u opreci s tobožnjom drugom supstancom stvarnosti, onom nevidljivom, transcendentalnom, ''nečime višim'', izmišljajući ontološki dualizam. Svoju pseudo-''duhovnost'' prebacuju iz sebe u vanjski izvor, u neku skupnu, sljedbeničku mistiku, kojoj se onda pridaje aura ''svetosti'' – jedni će (poput Hrvoja Vojkovića, primjerice) razvikano ići na noge Sai Babi, drugi će pak (poput našeg Bandatara) razvikano praviti skrušeno lice u crkvi neke religije. I voila – on da bi bio percipiran i osjećao se kao ''duhovna osoba'' ne mora više doseći sam svoj format i kalibar, može komotno ostati siromah duhom. Imperativ pridržavanja/prakticiranja nekog gotovog nauka, koji im se stvorio bez njih, mimo njih, van njih – pri čemu se pitanje ''istinitosti'' u tome koncentrira ne kao pitanje osobnog glasa i kalibra u njemu, nego kao pitanje iskrene posvećenosti: predati se iskreno, predati se čitavim sobom, svim srcem, svom svojom vatrenošću molitvi po kolektivnoj izvanjskoj recepturi. Zato rekoh da je u pitanju lažna dilema: pa crkve i ostali misticizmi upravo tome i služe – za pružanje iluzije ''duhovnog sloja'' onima koji ga nemaju vlastitim bićem. Slobodno mu je i dalje biti filistrom po čitav dan (antinomiju duhovno/svjetovno izmjestio je iz razlikovanja po onome što ljudi u svijetu jesu, čime se bave i čime se hrane, u opće ontološko razlikovanje ''ovostranosti'' i ''onostranosti''); jer jedino je važno biti uštekan u pravu utičnicu vanjskog dotoka ''svetosti''.



To je problem samog našeg odnosa prema životu. Ah, Adasz se u školi stalno pitao kakve ima mane i kako ih istrijebiti, želio je biti pobožan kao Zdisz, praktičan kao Józio, razuman kao Henrisz, duhovit kao Baćo... zbog čega su ga jako hvalili nastavnici. Ali drugovi ga nisu voljeli i rado su ga tukli.⁴

Istinski užasan intervju, užasan tip – za prst u usta. Primijetimo samo da ovo nije politički post, da u svom osvrtu ne govorim o politici, nego širim zahvatom: o sorti ljudske forme. Bandatar nam se ukazuje kao opomena, za strašiti sitnu djecu, kao idealno utjelovljenje opravdanosti zazora koji još u školi osjećamo prema štreberima suviše tapšanima po glavušici od strane nastavnika. Te puste petice u imeniku isprva možda djeluju benigno, ali s vremenom takvi, kad narastu, ''znaju zaraditi'' za svoje korporacije i lijepo uredno su svake nedjelje u crkvi sa svo četvero djece, a kad ih se pita za ćirilicu u Vukovaru, fino i strogo centrirano znaju reći kako ''još nije vrijeme''. Samo što tad već i svi ostali utrenirano podižu ručicu, jen-dva!