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THE VALE OF TEARS

1:25:41 (natrag k Marianne)

Please come in.
My, you're pretty! What a nice blouse.
l liked it when l bought it, but it's sort of girlish.
lt suits you.
l feel nervous standing here like this.
So do l, l've been useless all day.
lt's silly, l know, but l haven't seen you for over six months.
- How come you suddenly...? - Paula is in London.
- Like a drink? - Yes, please.
A whiskey, neat.
lt settles the stomach.
Have you taken to whiskey?
Aunt Berit's looking after the girls, to everyone's mutual delight.
Tomorrow, they're going to the country.
Good... Meeting them might have been awkward.
- How are they? - Don't ask just to be polite.
Please don't forget their birthdays again.
l bought them presents from you, but that didn't fool them.
Can't you take them to the movies one day?
lt's rough on them not hearing from you.
They hardly ever mention you nowadays.
- The way Paula keeps you... - lf you start ranting, l'm leaving.
You said yourself she's jealous.
Are you such a coward you can't stand up to her?
l'm sorry.
l know you think it's absurd,
but don't scold me, it won't help.
- Would you like some more whiskey? - Yes, please.
- How are things, Johan? - Pretty much as usual.
- And you? - l can't complain.
lt was silly of me to suggest this.
We can't talk without hurting each other.
l've got an excellent suggestion, let's have dinner.
- Then we won't snap at each other. - An excellent suggestion.
You look awful with that haircut
and you've put on weight.
You really turn me on.
- What are we to do about it? - We'll see after dinner.
- What delicious wine! - lt's just some inexpensive claret.
Things are going my way at the moment.
l've been offered a chair at Cleveland University.
lt's a good move, financially and career-wise.
That's where things are happening
and l'll be glad to emigrate, there's nothing to keep me here.
l'm fed up with this backwater
and l hate being fleeced by taxes.
So l'll leave in the spring, if all goes well.
Congratulations.
l'm rattling on about myself, but l'm in such a good mood.
Perhaps we can discuss our divorce.
lf you're emigrating, we'd better do it now.
- As you like. - l'd like a divorce.
l may want to remarry, and it would be complicated if you're in the US.
Do you have someone in mind?
Perhaps.
Come on, tell me more.
- Would you like some more? - No, thanks. Don't be evasive.
How are things?
Judging by your appearance,
they must be pretty good.
Do you have a lover?
l'll just get the coffee.
Well...
lt sounds as if you were disappointed.
lt's just your imagination.
l think about you all the time.
Wondering if you're fine, or lonely and afraid.
Every day, several times a day,
l wonder what l did to cause the breach between us.
lt's childish of me, l know.
What did l do wrong?
Why not ask a psychiatrist?
l go to one several times a week.
- Sometimes we even meet privately. - ls he your lover?
We did have sex a few times, but it was no good.
So we devote ourselves to my soul.
Where has that got you?
Nowhere.
l'm learning to talk, basically.
l threw your things out of the study and moved mine in.
lt left me feeling guilty, but bold.
lt's led to something, at least.
- What an enormous yawn. - Sorry, it's the wine.
Also l haven't slept well, l've been tense.
- lf you'd like to go home... - Don't get all uptight.
- You can take a nap if you like. - What a fuss about a yawn.
l'd rather listen to tales of your mental journey.
There's nothing much to tell.
Though last night something funny struck me.
That sounds exciting.
My therapist asked me to jot down whatever popped into my head.
No matter how irrelevant. Anything...
l haven't written much so far, l'm not used to writing.
lt tends to turn out stilted and a little silly.
Why don't you read to me what you wrote last night?
Would you really like to hear it?
l'll just go and get my notebook.
l was up writing to three am,
so l looked a wreck this morning.
lt figures that would happen the night before l see you.
You look so pretty... so very pretty, Marianne.
No compliments, please. Take an interest in my soul instead.
Go and sit down...
Have a seat...
Don't...
Let me read to you.
One good thing needn't exclude the other.
l think about you constantly,
about having sex with you.
l've been longing for you.
But after you leave,
l'd be left longing for you again.
l love you, don't you realise that?
Sometimes l hate you for what you did to me.
l rejoice every hour that passes without a thought of you.
l have friends, lovers, children
and a job l enjoy that l'm good at.
Yet, l'm tied to you.
l don't know why.
Perhaps l'm a masochist,
or else l'm just a one-man-woman.
l don't know...
lt's all so difficult.
l don't want to live with anyone but you.
Other men bore me.
l'm not trying to make you feel guilty,
or use emotional blackmail.
l'm just telling you how l feel.
l can't bear you making love to me.
l can't explain it any other way.
lt's because you'll walk away
and l'll be left longing for you.
l've sort of enjoyed having you at a distance.
So let's keep our hands to ourselves.
You'll just leave me devastated.
l'm... l'm still in love with you.
Why say that when it's not true?
Do you think l haven't longed for you?
l have... We were friends.
We had fun together.
lf we feel like having sex, why shouldn't we?
Why have all these reservations?
Why worry about how you'll feel tomorrow?
No, Johan...
l want you to stop!
l don't want to be mooning over you, pining and weeping!
lf you're going to persist, you might as well leave.
l don't want to sleep with you.
Please try and understand that!
l'm doing my best...
All right, l'll sit here...
l'll sit here and you can read to me.
Then l'll go home and phone Paula and say l've been to the theatre.
May l have more coffee, please and a brandy?
l feel like a terrible fool.
l want to hide somewhere and cry.
- We can meet tomorrow instead. - Yes, that might be just as well.
No, it's better you stay...
l'm busy tomorrow.
Hi there...
l'm so very fond of you.
l'm behaving like a child.
The situation is under control.
We've come through the crisis.
l can barely read my own writing.
The beginning isn't important...
''''''Yesterday l was seized by reckless gaiety.''
For the first time this year, l felt a zest for life.
''Feeling curious about what the day will bring.''''''
And so on...
Here it is:
''''''l turned and looked at the photo of my class at school,''
taken when l was 10.
l seemed to detect something that had eluded me previously.
To my surprise, l must admit,
l don't know who l am.
Not at all...
l've always done as l was told.
As far as l can remember,
l've been obedient, well-adjusted, almost meek.
l did assert myself once or twice as a girl,
but mother punished all such lapses from convention
with exemplary severity.
My entire upbringing
was aimed at making me agreeable.
l was ugly and graceless.
A fact l was constantly reminded of.
But if l kept my thoughts to myself
and was ingratiating,
my behaviour yielded rewards.
The real deception began at puberty.
My every thought revolved around sex.
But this l never told my parents,
or anyone at all, for that matter.
Being deceitful and secretive
became second nature to me.
My father wanted me to become a lawyer like himself.
l said l wanted to be an actress,
or do something else within the theatrical world,
but they laughed at me.
Since then l go on pretending.
A sham in my relations to others.
To men.
The same sham -
a desperate attempt to please.
l've never considered what l want.
Just: 'What does he want me to think?'
lt's not unselfishness, as l used to believe,
but sheer cowardice.
lt stems from being ignorant of who l am.
Our mistake was in not breaking free of our families
''and creating something worthwhile on our own terms.''''''
Oh damn, l fell asleep!
Your words were so interesting, too. Forgive me...
Won't you read some more, unless you feel offended?
l don't feel offended, but l think you ought to go home now.
Yes, l'd better be going.
Please call, if only for the sake of the children.
- You're always welcome here. - lf only Paula weren't so jealous.
Still, she has good reason...
- When will you know about the US? - ln a month or so.
- Let me know how it goes. - Of course, l'll phone you.
We need to make up our minds about the divorce.
- Do you want to marry again? - l don't know.
l'd rather wait, what do you think?
l don't know what l think...
- You'll stay the night, won't you? - Yes.
- How do you feel? - Frightened...
Let's muster up some courage.

1:47:43 (ipak ne mogu ostati)

- Can't you sleep? - Not a chance.
l'd better go home. Forgive me!
- That's Paula's handwriting. - She wrote to me.
- What's she up to now? - She sent this before she left.
Read it here.
''''''Dear Marianne, l assure you''
that there is no ulterior motive behind this letter.
l took this job in London
to break a vicious cycle of jealousy and suspicion.
l know Johan will look you up the minute l've gone.
l've only myself to blame, as l've stopped him from seeing you all.
''lf only it was possible to put things right.''''''
- How like Paula! - She wants us to be friends.
- She can't endure hostility. - How touching. And you believe her?
''''''Johan is the gentlest and kindest person l've ever met.''
He lacks self-confidence,
''though he tries to appear so brave and cheerful.''''''
You can say anything about anyone. lt always fits in some respect.