Ainulindale

There is this...feeling...or a mixture of feelings that tare me apart. I've been feeling them often recently. And I know why...it's her...Don't you think that if you know the cause of something...you can solve it...get rid of it. Why can't I get rid of it? It's burning within me, making me helpless, making me depressed, making me so damn pathetic. My legs shiver...my vision gets blurry, it's hard to move my hands...it's hard to find meaning in anything. It's hard to hold onto life. Everything she says is just...devastating. She doesn't get it, and she won't be able to...for a while longer. It doesn't matter whether she gets it or not...what matters is that I feel it. I'm feeling it. It's funny how people percept lies...Most common type of lie is the one when you momentarily speak words you know are not true. Those lies are easy to handle. There is another form of a lie. It's the one that is not necessarily a lie when you speak it. The moment in which you speak it you mean it...but later it becomes a lie when it turns out you're not abiding by it. And now...the person you told this "lie" to feels like he was lied to. From your perspective it's a whole different story. I am often subjected to these lies...by her. And while I suffer and cry because of it, she feels just fine. With a clear conscience, like she was telling the truth. Those lies tare me apart. Here...it comes again now...of course...I am talking to her. She just said it again...the same old lie she considers to be true. My shoulders are all...weak...my hands are shaking...not literally but...it's hard to direct them to where I want them to go. It's hard to type. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm trying so hard to stay focused, to control myself, but...it's slowly building up. Helpless...so helpless...caused by love...I hate this world. I hate you!