Frizeraj na kraju svemira

srijeda, 12.11.2008.

CRVENI PATULJAK

Ovo će biti jedan vrlo geeky post.
Jer da, ja sam fan.
Odgledala sam sve sezone (osim zadnje koja je stvarno grozna) dosad tri ili četiri puta i još tu i tamo pogledam reprizu na HTV-u kad uhvatim vremena.
Neke stvari su ti urnebesno smiješne i kad ih već znaš napamet.
Zapravo, pogotovo tada.
I zato, umjesto suvišnih hvalospjeva nad ovom serijom koja hoda rubom između totalnog trasha (vizualnog) i ultimativne genijalnosti (scenarističke),
koja se sprda sa Zvjezdanim stazama i uspijeva biti potpuno svoja,
koja se svidjela Amerikancima pa su napravili vlastitu pilot verziju koja je (ima Boga) propala,
a svidjela se i Madonni koja je htjela napraviti po njoj film, što je isto (ima Ga) propalo...

...umjesto bespotrebnog predstavljanja likova (ajde dobro, nabrzinu: Lister - posljednji živi čovjek u svemiru, white trash, grize nokte na nogama i obožava curry; Rimmer - hologram njegovog starog (ne)prijatelja, pompozni, napuhani, frustrirani, nesuđeni časnik i vojni strateg, brodski tehničar čijom je krivnjom izginula čitava posada; Cat - potomak evolucije koja je kroz tri milijuna godina od Listerovog mačka došla do humanoidne forme; Kryten - android zadužen za kućanske poslove; Holly - brodsko računalo)...
...evo nekih hajlajta za uspomenu i dugo sjećanje.

P.S. I znate ono kad su spasili Kennedyja od atentata, i kad je Rimmer predvodio vojsku dobrih waxdroida u napad usred dana kroz minsko polje kako bi iznenadio neprijatelja, i kad Lister položi za brodskog kuhara kako bi bio čin više od Rimmera, i kad nađu nestalu prvu stranicu Biblije na kojoj piše da su svi likovi i događaji u ovoj knjizi izmišljeni, i kad Kryten postane čovjek s neugodno velikim penisom, i last but not least, Oh-Listy-oh-Rimsy scena u kojoj SKORO vidimo pravi poljubac u usta...

HOLLY: Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
LISTER: Haven't I just gone in?
HOLLY: Please proceed to the drive room for debriefing.
LISTER: Where is everybody, Hol?
HOLLY: They're dead, Dave.
LISTER: Who is?
HOLLY: Everybody, Dave.
LISTER: What, Captain Hollister?
HOLLY: Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: What, Todhunter?
HOLLY: Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: What, Selby?
HOLLY: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: Petersen isn't, is he?
HOLLY: Everybody is dead, Dave.
LISTER: Not Chen?
HOLLY: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. EVERYBODY'S DEAD, DAVE.
LISTER: Rimmer?
HOLLY: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
LISTER: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

RIMMER: You're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican.

RIMMER: It is my duty, as a total and utter bastard.

RIMMER: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't academy educated, someone who didn't have the right nobby background, someone who didn't have the right parents.
LISTER: You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have?



KRYTEN: This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime... it is also his punishment.

CAT: There's an old cat proverb: It's better to live one hour as a tiger, than a whole life time as a worm
RIMMER: There's an old human proverb: whoever heard of a wormskin rug.

RIMMER: Step up to Red Alert!
KRYTEN: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

LISTER: Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.
KRYTEN: Or… we could use the teleporter.

LISTER: What time is it?
RIMMER: Saturday.
LISTER: Is that the best you can do?
RIMMER: There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything.



RIMMER: You know how many times I've slept with a woman?
LISTER: Listen! Listen, Rimmer. If you tell me, right, you'll wake up in the morning. You'll have your hangover and you'll feel like death and you'll walk up to the mirror and you'll look in the mirror and you'll remember and you'll go, "Ahahahahah!!" (Sticking his fist in his mouth.) See, it's not worth it, I don't want to know, and believe me you don't want to tell me.
RIMMER: Once!
LISTER: Smeg!
RIMMER: Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion. March the sixteenth, seven thirty one PM to seven forty three PM.
LISTER: Please.
RIMMER: Twelve minutes.
LISTER: Please!
RIMMER: And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
LISTER: So, I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet.
RIMMER: No, I haven't, Lister. I haven't met the right girl and some just might say, given the fact that the human race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have passed on, some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side.



CAT: Most people leave their bodies to medical science. I'm leaving mine to the Louvre!

RIMMER: You can't frighten me, I'm a coward. I'm scared all the time.

RIMMER: Well, I'd have thought it was obvious. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason. A liason that unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit.
LISTER: What are you saying?
RIMMER: I'm saying, Lister, that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
LISTER: Hey, I'm baring my innermost here! What kind of remark is that?
RIMMER: How many toes have you got?

KRYTEN: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
CAT: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!

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