Ainulindale

I'm guessing you all know just how destructive feelings can be. Today, most things are connected to feelings. From wars to a simple life on an individual, it's all entwined with feelings. Feelings like love, hate, pain, pleasure and such. We are all consumed and troubled by our feelings. It's because we are the only ones who can feel them. We cannot feel other peoples emotions. We can see them and realize them but we will never know the true heaviness of what it's like. Depression...the modern illness. My friend once said - "It's stupid, you no longer say that you are sad, you say that you are depressed". How exactly do you separate sadness from depression? I have felt it in my own way...and I try to detach one from another. Sadness is when you are down and you know you are down and you can do something about it. You can divert your attention to something else. While depression...is a clear example of helplessness. You feel sad and there is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing else you can think about. You can try, but it's so hard.
I am able to control those powerful feelings like hate and anger. They have always been under my control. However, the feeling of love is something I could never tame. I have come to a realization that love, as an emotion, does not really exist. It's a set of emotions like linking, needing and satisfying the need. Therefore I realize that even though I can control some strong feelings, those basic ones elude me. Liking...it's a basic emotion. How come it's so hard to control. The worst part of it all is that with love, in my case, comes depression. A feeling of helplessness. I cannot control anything in love. I cannot control myself or the one I love. And this helplessness totally changes me...I become so...stupid, when seen from someone else's perspective. The only thing I'm sure of is that love persists in me, during this period of idiot-ism. I cause pain...to myself and others. And I cannot help it.
I always said that love is the most important thing in my life and that I need it the most. But why does it make me so stupid. I'm still alone...alone in this world. I can't help myself...my friends can't help me...noone can help me...except...someone that feels the way I do...someone who will understand and someone who will want to help...What are the chances of finding someone like that? One in 6 billion? I'm helpless...and still alone...