nedjelja, 23.04.2006.
Toliko sam se zanjela idejom da se nitko ne bi uistinu potrudio da me spasi kad bi recimo prerezala žile ili se pokušala objesiti trakom na roleti. Ne mogu ni zamisliti da bi ikome bilo dovoljno stalo da me održi na životu. A tada skužim, da bi im bil stalo samo zato jer se to tako radi. Ne bi se tu radilo o stvarnoj brizi. Primjerice, dok moj stari hini zabrinutost dok mi se neda ići u školu jer sam toliko konfuzna da ne bi mogla 7 sati sjediti u školi, nego je problem u tome što ja ne idem u školu, to što ću izostati s nastave i sl.
To bi bilo zbog želje da se ne mora živjeti s krivnjom, ružnim sanjarenjem i saznanjem da se dogodilo samoubojstvo, a nisi učinio ništa da to spriječiš. Kad jednom načinim samoubilački čin, tada će svi uistinu dojuriti jer moji problemi će tog trena napustiti područje teških, svakodnevnih sranja, i to će postati medicinska hitnost. Označit će me kao traumatizirani slučaj. Zašit će mi zapešča, učiniti sve kako bi me održali na životu. Zatim će brigu o meni preuzeti stručnjaci za mentalno zdravlje od neke od institucija.
Ali depresija traje dan za danom, nije vrsta od onih bolesti koja zaslužuje odvoz u bolnicu, nego mi dopušta da sjebana izluđujem sve oko sebe, dok svi oko mene izgledaju sve iscrpljenije. Moje se stanje ne smatra dovoljno akutnim da bi znali što činiti sa mnom, ali sam upravo toliko depresivna da sluđujem samu sebe.
Tako bi htjela da sve ovo prestane, da se opet vratim u normalu, ali ne mogu, kunem se da nad tim nemam nikakvu kontrolu. To je užasno. To je kao da mojim umonom vladaju demoni. I nitko mi ne vjeruje. Svi misle kako bi mi bilo bolje kad bi htjela da mi bude bolje. Ja više ne mogu biti ja. Ovo jesam ja i to je tako užasno.
23.04.2006. u 21:14 •
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˝Jako rano u mojem životu već je bilo prekasno.˝
Marquerite Duras
SKID ROW - I REMEMBER YOU
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I’d think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through...
I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I’d stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me...
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you...
We spend the summer with the top rolled down
Wished ever after would be like this
You said I love you babe, without a sound
I said I’d give my life for just one kiss
I’d live for your smile and die for your kiss...
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you...
We’ve had our share of hard times
But that’s the price we paid
And through it all we kept the promise that we made
I swear you’ll never be lonely...
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you
But nothing else could ever take you away
’cause you’ll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you...
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you...
Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand
Love letters in the sand - I remember you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I’d wanna hear you say - I remember you...
SKID ROW - IN A DERKENED ROOM
In a darkened room
Beyond the reach of god´s faith
Lies the wounded, the shattered
Remains of love betrayed
And the innocense of a child is bought
And sold
In the name of the damned
The rage of the angels left silent
And cold...
Forgive me please for I know not
What I do
How can I keep inside the hurt
I know is true...
Tell me when the kiss of love
Becomes a lie
That bears the scar of sin too deep
To hide behind this fear of running
Unto you
Please let there be light
In a darkened room...
All the precious times have been put
To rest again
And the smile of the dawn
Brings tainted lust singing my requiem
Can I face the day when i´m tortured
In my trust
And watch it crystalize
While my salvation crumples to dust...
Why can´t I steer the ship before
It hits the storm
I´ve fallen to the sea but still
I swim for shore....
Tell me when the kiss of love
Becomes a lie
That bears the scar of sin too deep
To hide behind this fear of running
Unto you
Please let there be light
In a darkened room...
