SUCK MY SCARS

Danas opet nisam mogla spavati. Ne mogu normalno spavati otkad sam se vratila s mora. Tako da živim i sve svjesno proživljavam skoro svih 24 sata. I dani lete, prolaze jebeno brzo. Toliko brzo da se ne stignem ni okrenit. Ne znam na šta mi vrijeme toliko brzo odlazi.
Zapravo znam. Ujutro još uvijek pokušavam spavati, a cijela popodneva provodim u Retfali radeći na filmu. Još samo malo pa je gotovo. Fale još samo titlovi. A to je najteži posao (a možda i nije). I to sutra. I tako će još jedan dan proći a da ja toga neću ni biti svjesna. I onda je petak, pa subota i onda nedjelja, prokleta nedjelja, dan prije ponedjeljka. A u ponedjeljak škola. Predivno! Taman sve postane zabavno i super i jednostavno odlično, a onda je gotovo. Samo najednom, u hipu. Otkad sam se vratila iz Londona dani mi samo prolaze, a ne znam kako! Kada bolje razmislim sve mi se čini kao par dana. Ali tih par dana je možda tjedan! A od Londona je već skoro 2 mjeseca. NE znam, samo znam da se ne želim vratiti u školu i ne želim da počne nastava. Ne još. Kada bi praznici mogli trajati barem koji dan više. Ne tražim puno, samo recimo tjedan dana, to bi bilo dovoljno. Samo, malo, malo duže...
Jel kad pomislim da je petak preksutra i da ću sutra cjeli dan biti na filmu boli me glava. A u subotu se spava kod moje babe u stanu i kuhamo si večeru i ljepo se zajebavamo i sve to... I onda se budimo, nedjelja. ZADNJI DAN OVOG LJETA... Jebi ga, stvarno sve šta je ljepo jako kratko traje. Kada razmislim šta sam još htjela napraviti i sve, trebali smo ići i spavat u Aljmaš i snimit još jedan film (mislili smo da će sve s ovim filmom biti gotovo za 2 dana!) i ne znam šta još, a ništa se ne stigne. Ma sranje je sve!

Evo opet testova:

Take the quiz: "Do you have what it takes to be a rock star?"

Hell yeah!
You rock! You're a natural! See ya onstage!

Take the quiz: "Which Overly Depressed frontman are you?"

Maynard James Keenan of Tool/A Perfect Circle
You are depressed but you use it to your advantage,you can sing about peeing your pants,no one will understand what you are talking about.

Take the quiz: "Which indie band are you?"

Razorlight
You're in RAZORLIGHT. Your songs are about love and finding it difficult to deal with. You've only just recently started out but you're very well known now and its only a matter of time before you're trashing hotel rooms.

Take the quiz: "Are You 80's Synth or 90's Rock?"

90's Rock Music
Now your my kind of music freak :-) you seem to enjoy bands such as Nirvana (Grunge rock) and other 90's bands w00t!

Take the quiz: "WHAT 9O'S ALTERNATIVE ROCKER/GROUP ARE YOU"

NIRVANA
LEGENDS IN THE MUSIC BUIS

E nadam se da ovo nije istina (mada je na filmu glumim):
Take the quiz: "Which rock bitch are you?"

Courtney Love
You are Courtney Love. You tend to vomit a lot and drugs are your very best friend. You were married to Kurt Cobain for a while, but that all ended when you had him killed and fooled everyone into believing it was a suicide. Unfortunately for you, most men (and women) wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.


Take the quiz: "what famous singer are you? (picturrrres!)"

Kurt Cobain
you're the king of the seattle alternative scene. you're not sure if you like it though. thus you're nearly all the time drunk or high or whatever. you can't get over your childhood. whatever.

Take the quiz: "what's your REAL theme song?"

New Found Glory- Forget My Name
you got forget my name by new found glory, one of their best yet saddest songs. it's a suicide song. if this is really your song, you need to get help, and i'm being completely serious. tell my friends i'm dead, i'm leaving you, this time it's for good. tell all my friends that i'm dead, it won't be long before you forget my name. it's an awesome song, just remember that there's always people who love you no matter what.

Take the quiz: "How big a Nirvana fan are you"

Huge fan of Nirvana!
Woah u know ur shit! Did u stalk them by any chance? hey i wouldn't blame you if u did!

Take the quiz: "What rock band are you?"

Nirvana
You are a toned down rocker,with,like i said before,a twist.

Take the quiz: "wich rockstar describes you quiz"

Kurt Cobain
You are Kurt Cobain. You are very talented and you express your feelings through your music and your lyrics. Even though you tend to be hooked on drugs, your a legend people wont forget.

Take the quiz: "Which Rock icon are you?"

Kurt Cobain
congratulations you're a grunge icon (the main one at that) and one of the greatest song writers of the past 25 years.

Take the quiz: "What Evanescence Song Are You?"

Field Of Innocence
you are FIELD OF INNOCENCE. you wish you were a child again you were forced to grow up faster you just wanna be a child again. your hear is locked up with a stranger you dont know. your adult self.

Take the quiz: "Do you know your Nirvana lyrics?"

You know them
Very good! I guess you really do pay attention the the Nirvana lyrics, either that or the quiz was so easy. I know it was kind of easy but hey, I couldn't be too hard on the stupid people right?


Take the quiz: "Do you think Nirvana rules?"

You love Nirvana!
You are just like me in the respect. You got the CDs, the facts, and the all around Nirvana-ness, I give you a gold star for that one! Good job. Oh I have a pic of Kurt Cobain that I can send you if you want it, I couldn't get it on the quiz. Just give me your email.


Take the quiz: "whick time period of rock would u best be in"

90s
You are the 90s,known for inventing the new wave of metal known as grungey

Take the quiz: "How well do you know Kurt Cobain?Pix"

Youre Obsessed!!!!
you love Kurt as much as i do!!! and if you got this result you probably believe the fact that he was murdered- so yay for you!!lol. Kurt was/is god so thanks for knowing so much about him! its always nice to meet another Nirvana/Kurt fan!

Take the quiz: "how well do you know your Nirvana lyrics?"

you know Your nirvana lyrics!!!
Youre my new best friend!lol- chances are you love nirvana as much as i do! rock on !!

I opet, još jednom, moj lik iz filama:
Take the quiz: "Brody Dalle or Courtney Love?"

Courtney Love
Congratulations. Fucking sexy. Have a scratchy kick ass vox. Are friends with Brody. Had a band back in the 90's called Hole. Has a new record out called America's Sweetheart in which Brody plays guitar on. Kurt Cobain was a past lover. You look like a crackwhore, but hey.. who's seen one that's sexier?

Take the quiz: "Will you make it as a rock star?"

Hell, yes!!!!
I will see you in the big time young one!!!!! You kick ass!!

Take the quiz: "How well do you know NIRVANA?"

You Know Nirvana
You know you're right, my friend. You are a true fan of Nirvana. Rock on.

Eto, našla sam opet na neke testove pa ih malo rješavam i tak. Slušam Pumpkinse (Bullet With The Butterfly Wings - savršena pjesma) i tak. Razmišljam. Naravno, po običaju. Bjesna sam i sretna sam. Danima nisam spavala (zapravo jučer jesam, ali inače ne mogu spavati) i zbog tog sam užasno bjesna jel obožavam sanjati. Ali u ovo malo sna noćas he bilo zanimljivih događaja. Izgtubila sam se u svemiru dok sam u autu putovala na Saturn. I negdje kod Marsa sam ostala bez Pringles čipsa pa sam se morala vratiti na Zemlju i kupiti si ga još hrpu. Uglavnom, sanjala sam hrpu gluposti. I svirala sam neke Fender bassove (Mustanga i Precision) i onda mi ih je neko poklonio, pa sam u svemiru ispala iz auta i takve gluposti ali nije to sad važno. Evo rješenja testova, uglavnom...
Film je inače skoro pa gotov. Ostala nam je još samo jedna jedina scena i to se danas snima. Dio sam vidila i bit će ODLIČAN. Onako, užasno smiješan. Jedva čekam da bude potpuno gotov. I

Take the quiz: "How suicidal are you?"

Your pretty suicidal, watch yourself.
Your pretty suicidal. I would consider you talk to someone you love/trust and see what they think you should do. Dont let yourself get extreamly suicidal, its almost impossable to get out when you that far in.
Take the quiz: "Should you tell someone about your problems?"

Yes you definantly should tell someone!
You seem pretty messed up in my opinion. I think you should tell someone soon b4 you do something that could really fuck you up. Tell someone of athority, someone you trust.
Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)"

Eden
You have eden eyes. Eden is the color of water. Your eyes symbolize your great flexibility. You are a creative person. You can think of many good ways to get your point across to people as you have very good communication abilities. When someone feels down or is hurt, you have the remarkable ability to help them and heal them. If you have too little going on in your life, you may be withdrawn and depressed, timid, manipulative, unreliable, stubborn, or suspicious. Some words to describe you: peaceful, sincere, affectionate, tranquil, intuitive, trustworthy, pure, loyal, healing, and stable.
Take the quiz: "Which Spice Girl Are You?"

Scary Spice (Mel B)
Youre most like scary spice. youre outgoing, wild, and some people find you intimidating. you like to party hard and no one can tell you wat to do. you live life by your rules and no one elses!
Take the quiz: "Are you a Freak? ((pics))"

Your not a freak at all!
You don't really like sex! You have to be in the mood (which comes every once in a blue moon) but you don't ever really think about it. To you, sex is just like grandmas sweater, you don't want it or need it.
Take the quiz: "What Kind of Music Are You? :::pics:::"

Punk
You're a classic punker. Hard headed and strongly motivated in government relations. You probably like a lot of underground bands that other people at your school don't really know about. You consider people who shop at Hot Topic to be posers and you're overly proud of who you are.
Take the quiz: "Which Nirvana Memeber Are You?"

Kurt D. Cobain
yay Your Kurt D. Cobain your the owner of the band you didnt beileve to much in it but it turns out your band was a hit! You also did many drugs but your turned to be a god
Take the quiz: "WHAT ROCK BAND SHOULD U BE IN!!"

NIRVANA
GREAT!! NIRVANA ROCK!! MY FAV SONG IS LITHIUM!! THERE A GREAT BAND!! SHAMEABOUT KURT THOGH!! R.I.P KURT COBAIN!! MAN U LISTEN TO SOME PRETTY COOL ROCK!!
Take the quiz: "Which Rock Chick are You?"

Brody Dalle
You are Brody Dalle of the Distillers.
Take the quiz: "Which Dead Rock Star Are You?"

Kurt Cobain
You are Kurt Cobain! You're grundgy, twisted and very talented. You have a certain charm and individuality that sets you a part from many. You are beautiful! Oh, he died in 1994 from a gun shot wound to the mouth. Suicide.
Take the quiz: "What Song Will They Play At Your Funeral? ((PIX!!))"

She's Always A Woman by Billy Joel
You are full of contradictions and people may not always understand you, or your actions, but your heart is in the right place. And you earn a lot of love and respect wherever you go, even though you may not let yourself admit it. This was written during Billy Joel's peak when he was married to Christie Brinkley, just like all of his best songs. And just like their marriage, you're abscence will leave a big void.
Take the quiz: "What is your band? (KICK ASS PICS!)"

Taking back Sunday
You love your music! Taking back sunday is a great band to listen to if your depressed. They make me cry so if your ever feeling down CHECK EM OUT!
Take the quiz: "Who's your rock star husband?"

Kurt Cobain
Kurt. Is. God. Sexy, sensative, troubled, I could go on all day. If he were alive, you two would definitaly be the perfect couple.
Take the quiz: "What's your theme song?"

Take it easy
The Eagles! You tend to be laid back and this song would totally fit your stoner-esque persona.
Take the quiz: "What Band'
Symbol are You?"

Led Zeppelin's Symbols
The symbols of Led Zeppelin represent you best. You are an individual and you are different from everyone else. You have friends but each of you have your own personality and don't copy how you act from eachother. You're awesome! There needs to be people more like you!
Take the quiz: "Which Rock Star Is Most Like You?"

Kurt Cobain
Your A Great Man, I Bow At Your Feet...Too Bad Your Dead By The Time Your Band Finally Makes A Revolution
Take the quiz: "What High School Stereotype Are You?"

Emo Kid
You're depressed and lonely. You want to be loved so bad, but whenever you find love something always goes wrong. you're moody and like to be alone.
Take the quiz: "How will you commit suicide?! (PICS!!!)"

Shooting Self
You will take the EASIEST way out. You want to be gone. No one will expect it to happen, you just one day will be. Be careful, stay and make peace and there is no easy way out anyways.
Take the quiz: "How Will You Die(Brutal Pics)"

Jump off building
you hate ur life and you want to die
Take the quiz: "How truly depressed are you?"

Depressed
You feel hurt and lost inside, its not funny. You want to die sometimes and can only see the black side of life, nothing other than that
Take the quiz: "Are you really suicidal??"

cant wait to die
you really are suicidal, and i suggest that you talk to a close friend or a guidance councilor or teacher. believe it or not there are people in this world that would miss you if you died. :)
Take the quiz: "Are you truly depressed or just faking it for attention?"

Your truly depressed!
You are truly depressed, you might want to go see someone about it! You probably cut yourself at least every day and hate the world!
Take the quiz: "Are you a Nirvana, H.I.M, or CKY fan?"

You're a Nirvana, Baby!
Yay! You like Kurt Cobain and rockin' out hard, and strong! You love his lyrics, but most of all, his good looks
Take the quiz: "Which Rock Guitarist Are You?"

Jimmi Hendrix
you are the legend Jimmi Hendrix,one of the greatest to ever live,R.I.P.
Take the quiz: "Are you a true rocker girl?(Boys welcome too)"

Yes you are.
Cool!!Me too!You are totally a hard rocker!I mean,come on,you act just like one!And you only deserve the best!
Take the quiz: "Which Rock Frontman are You?"

Kurt Cobain
You are most like Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. Honestly, Nirvana are more than a little overrated, but they remain one of my favorite bands. Kurt really was a pretty bad guitarist, but hey, that's all part of being punk, right? Unfortunately, Kurt was not only very successful, but also very shy. Congratulations, just don't shoot yourself...
Take the quiz: "How much do you know about Kurt Cobain of Nirvana?"

KURT COBAIN IS GOD!!
Great job! You seem to know a lot of Kurt Donald Cobain! Kurt Cobain is a legend, and one of my idols. Nirvana is truly one of the best bands out there. It's always nice to meet a fan. :)
Take the quiz: "Are you a TRUE Kurt Cobain fan? ((WITH PIX))"

HUGE fan!!
WOOT! you're exactly like me! you know the ups and downs of Kurt and the whole crew! Kurt Cobain was a beautiful being and you have actually taken the time to learn that. You're awsome and you know it's true, Kurt was the God of Grunge!!!

Evo, pokušala sam kupiti skoro sve svoje najdraže pjesme i staviti riječi. Pjesme nisu poredane po tom kako koju volim nego samo ovako. Najdraže djelove sam podebljala. Samo sam za sadstavila Sonic Youthe i Smashing Pumpkinse, ostalo mi se ne da. Tako sam ljena. I umorna, užasno sam umorna.
Trenutno (mislim ovih dana) snimam film i to me prilično umara. Prve scene smo snimili u subotu i to smo snimali samo pol sata, a onda bježali od policije (inače snimali smo u jednoj staroj napuštenoj školi, a tamo nismo smjeli bit i neko nas je čuo i zvao policiju) i poslje toga sam bila tako umorna da nisam taj dan mogla ići van. U nedjelju je bio dan pauze (na sreću) i mada sam se probudila u pol 1 cijelid dan sam i dalje bila umorna (a spavat sam išla u 10 u subotu). Onda jučer smo opet snimali i to od 2 do 6. I bilo je super. Smo sam skoro svaku scenu morala ponavljati. Inače imena u filmu su nam Maraja Keri (Dora), Kortni Lav (Ja) i Helga (Mia). I meni je t o ime Maraja bilo užasno smješno, toliko da sam se u svakoj sceni kada se ona spominjala počela smijati, a onda se i Mia počela smijati i morale smo ponavljati. A cijelo vrijeme naravno nismo imale tekst i morale smo smišljet šta ćemo reći u vrijeme kada se snima. I to je bio još jedan problem. Ima samo 2 scene koje se nisu ponavljale. Jedna u kojoj se ja fiksam i jedna totalno luda kada Helga i Kortni idu tražiti Maraju i uđu u jednu učionicu koja je sva od krvi (kečapa) i nalaze MAraju kako plače zbog toga što je dobila menstruaciju. Obje joj nude uložak i onda se posvađaju oko toga koja će joj ga dati i na kraju se počnu vijeti i tući po učionici i gađati krvavim Marajinim gaćama. I na kraju se i Maraja u sve to uključi. Onako, snimanje je bilo totalno ludo. I stalno smo se šamarale. Kortni i helga valjda imaju samo jednu scenu u kojoj se ne šamaraju. Inače Maraja Keri (po Mariah Carey) je mala, nestašna djevojčica i Kortnina prijateljica. Kortni Lav (Courtney Love) je narkomanka koja misli da je šta ja znam - veličina i stalno joj smeta kad joj neko prigovara. A Helga je baba i Marajina dadilja. O ona nas stalno u početku šamara, a mi njoj vraćamo i tako. Onak - film je totalna komedija, a zapravo je horo. Užasno smješno. Jedva čekam da ga snimimo do kraja, a onda da to gledamo, to će biti najsmješniji dio tog svega.
Inače i danas sam jezivo umorna. Stara me u POL 10 (!) probudila, a ja sam jučer isto bila umorma poslje snimanja i išla sam spavat čim sam pogledala Harry Potter i zatočenika Azkabana. I tako sam sad za ništa, a susjedi buče i ne mogu spavat pa slušam Pumpkinse (ZERO je FENOMENALNA) i pišem ove gluposti. Ne znam šta bi još mogla napisat. da, da I'M IN LOVE WITH MY SADNESS! Joj, tako ne znam šta da radim. Umor ubija, stvarno ubija. A ja OBOŽAVAM spavati, na svijetu ne postoji skoro ništa ljepše (osim glazbe i zajebavanja po gradu i takvih stvari) na svijetu. Onako, kad sam bila djete, spavanje je bila najveć moguća kazna. Borila sam se da ostanem što duže budna i da ne idem spavati. A da mi je sad to kazna, bila bi presretna. Onako, ako slučajno vani ostanem duže da za kaznu cijeli idući dan do izlaska moram spavati. Kako super. A uopće ne kontam zašto toliko i dalje mrzim biti budna. I sad kad više nisam u depresiji i kada sam relativno sretna, ja i dalje mrzim biti budna. Ne znam, ne znam šta mi je . Ma, jebi ga zajebat ću to sve, ako da ne postoji. Barem ću pokušat.

Evo i kog tumačim u filmu (samo sam drugačije obučena - imam anđeosta krila, majcu na kojoj piše HOLE i i grudnjek preko majice i kratku suknju i tajce ispod i zelene starke.

Konačno ovdje. U svojoj kući, u svojoj sobi, u svom predragom krevetu. Vratila sam se s mora i trenutno sam u nekom kreativnom, pozitivnom razdoblju. Radim neke pjesme u guitar pro-u i već u ova 2 dana koliko sam ovdje imam materijala za jedan solidan album. A na moru sam napisala dosta tekstova, tako da demo snimke idem snimati kada se Lucija vrati s mora i kada nađemo neki bass. To je jedini instrument koji ne možemo posuditi, ali imam zamjenu jel sma napravila da ritam gitara svira bass dionicu pa bass i nije potreban jel bassove imamo. I bilo bi jako dobro, savršeno kada bi mi se starci smilovali i kupili mi neku gitaru i pojačalo. LAi ne, oni mi ne žele kupiti gitaru jel ne žele kupovati novo pojačali svaki tjedan. Mislim OK, možda jesam destruktivna i možda mogu uništiti neuništive stvari, ali ne bi razbila ni mikrofonirala (dobro mikrofonirala bi) pojačalo skroz dok ne uštedim za novo. A dugo bi bilo do toga jel bi si morala prvo kupiti projektor za efekte.
A jučer sam našla 2 pojačala od jedno 100 W. I to ih mogu uzeti i niko ne bi skonto. Samo ih se treba nekako odnjeti iz Poljoprivredne škole. Koji su ti naši budale. Kad se sazidala nova škola oni su iz stare odnjeli sve moguće i ploče i krede i daske za WC, a u jednoj učionici su ostavili ta 2 ispravna pojačala. I škola je sad prazna i niko tamo ne dolazi i ljepo bi se opet mogla uvući unutra i nekako pokušati izvući ta 2 pojačala. Ali ne mogu, starci bi skontali, preteška su i prevelika su i preglasna su.
Ali dobro, pokušavam ne misliti na ta pojačala. Konačno slušam jedan dugopriželjkivani CD i mislim na to kako ću danas na konceru gađati band nekim ogromnim, starim gaćama i slične stvari. Ne znam šta da još napišem...
Kako je to glupo. Kada sam depresivna, kada se mrzim i kada se želim ubiti napišem cijele Bibilije od postova, a kada sam sretna ne znam šta da napišem. Baš jadno.Nekako je lakše biti totalno prazan kao što sam bila prijke 2 mjeseca. Ali nije ljepo i nije lagano na neki drugi način. Zapravo je teško svaki dan nositi se s istim problemima i stalno razmišljati o istim stvarima, jako je teško i svaki dan postaje sve teže. Na kraju od psihičke boli počenš osjećati fizički loše i budeš u takvom stanju da ne možeš i ne želiš izaći iz kreveta. I sve teže podnosiš društvo, šta budje jako sjebano ako je osoba nedruštvena jel se onda potpuno zatvori u sebe i danima ne komunicira s nikim osim sa papirom (osobno iskustvo). I onda ostaješ danima ležati na podu sobe i razmišljaš koliko si sjeban i kako je sve oko tebe crno i kako si ti zapravo jadna osoba... Uglavnom, budeš totalno u kurcu. Isprazan, jadan, očajan. Onako bez galasa svojim ponašanjem zoveš u pomoć, ali niko te ne shvaća ili te niko ne želi shvatiti. Odjenom ti svi okrenu leđa i shvatiš da ti prijatelji zapravo to i nisu. Jel uvijek te ostave kad su ti zapravo najpotrebniji - u vrijeme depresije oni se jednostavno maknu od tebe i ostave te da se sam boriš s njom. I onda još u svoj toj boli postaneš jebeno osamljen. Kao da je cijeli svijet digao ruke od tebe. A te spoznaje da si sam i bla, bla znaju boliti. Bole stvarno jako, toliko da ti razjebu mozak totalno. I onda si ostavljen sam - imaš sebe i jednostavno se danima valjaš u svojoj boli kao svinja u govnima. Nemožeš ništa. Čak nisi ni kreativan. Jednostavno si prazan, jebački prazan da prazniji ne možeš biti. Uostalom, ta praznina se vidi iz mojih starih postova, mada sam se zapravo osjećala mijijardu puta gore. I zato sam sada sretna. Jel više se ne osjećam tako... Stvarno sam relativno sretna, a da pritom ovaj put ne pijem nikakve tablete ni alkohol. Samo se zajebavam i živim svaki dan kao da mi je zadnji. Dobro, i dalje sanjarim, i dalje jako sanjarim i bježim od stvarnosti, ali svejedno, bar nisam nesretna kao prije. Mada sam i dalje jako nezadovoljna sobom, bla, bla, bla...
Ali eto, postigla sam onaj osjećaj, opet. I opet radim određenu vrstu gluposti svaki dan. Ako se oblačenje u vrećicu za smeće (i hodanje u njoj po gradu) i provaljivanje (dobro ne baš provaljivanje) u napuštenu školu i slične stvari mogu nazvati glupostima, ma ne... Ali takve stvari sam oduvijek obožavala...
I da još sve bud bolje, stranica na kojoj se mogu skidati Nirvanini bootlezi (audio snimke koncerata) je opet proradila! Pa sad moram skinit još kojih 50 njihovih koncerata i bit ću sretna. Jako sretna.