You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
I was sick of cars driving right past me.
For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
I lived what most people call the good life. I was happy, but deep inside I always felt that, with the short amount of time we are given to live and love in this world, we spend too much time loving things instead of people.
Worries go down better with soup than without.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top .
Sorrow was like the wind. It came in gusts.
Is there life before death?
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
Never read a book through merely because you have begun it.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Refuse to be ill. Never tell people you are ill; never own it to yourself. Illness is one of those things which a man should resist on principle.
People fail forward to success.
All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.
The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value.
I've never quite believed that one chance is all I get.
I wrote myself a check for ten million dollars for acting services rendered and dated it Thanksgiving 1995. I put it in my wallet and it deteriorated. And then, just before Thanksgiving 1995, I found out I was going to make ten million dollars for Dumb & Dumber. I put that check in the casket with my father because it was our dream together.
Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.
It is fortunate to be of high birth, but it is no less so to be of such character that people do not care to know whether you are or are not.
There is surely a piece of divinity in us, something that was before the elements, and owes no homage unto the sun.
You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?
Anger is never without Reason, but seldom with a good One.
The freedom of all is essential to my freedom.
I shouted, and earned a hard thump on my head for my trouble.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need.
Even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully.
Man is only miserable so far as he thinks himself so.
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
We should be eternally vigilant against attempts to check the expression of opinions that we loathe.
Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.
Anyone who has gumption knows what it is, and anyone who hasn't can never know what it is. So there is no need of defining it.
Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
No matter what I do, no matter how predictable I try to make my life, it will not be any more predictable than the rest of the world. Which is chaotic.
The function of science fiction is not always to predict the future but sometimes to prevent it.
You're dealing with the demon of external validation. You can't beat external validation. You want to know why? Because it feels sooo good.
Be thou the first true merit to befriend, his praise is lost who stays till all commend.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
Be careful that victories do not carry the seed of future defeats.
The problem is never how to get new, innovative thoughts into your mind, but how to get old ones out. Every mind is a building filled with archaic furniture. Clean out a corner of your mind and creativity will instantly fill it.
Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
To try to be better is to be better.
A tactical retreat is not a bad response to a surprise assault, you know. First you survive. Then you choose your own ground. Then you counterattack.
Order is not pressure which is imposed on society from without, but an equilibrium which is set up from within.
Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
No.
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there.
I went up the stairs cautiously, not able to use my hands.
Good soldiers never pass up a chance to eat or sleep. They never know how much they'll be called on to do before the next chance.
Why the hell would terrorists kidnap a bunch of high school students?
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.
Be more prompt to go to a friend in adversity than in prosperity.
Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions. No dignity, no learning, no force of character, can make any stand against good wit.
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
All movements go too far.
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Winning is important to me, but what brings me real joy is the experience of being fully engaged in whatever I'm doing.
If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
I write because I'm afraid to say some things out loud.
The crowd gives the leader new strength.
So quick and so fiercely I barely had time to gasp before it was locked on me.
People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming... suddenly you find - at the age of 50, say - that a whole new life has opened before you.
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.
Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.
Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
Someone went upside my head again.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Challenge is a dragon with a gift in its mouth?Tame the dragon and the gift is yours.
Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.
The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
I'd never really believed in terrorists before.
Where facts are few, experts are many.
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most agreeable.
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.
The best of us must sometimes eat our words.
Take a two-mile walk every morning before breakfast.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
We should be eternally vigilant against attempts to check the expression of opinions that we loathe.
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
We do not believe if we do not live and work according to our belief.
The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
Noble life demands a noble architecture for noble uses of noble men. Lack of culture means what it has always meant: ignoble civilization and therefore imminent downfall.
It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race.
Do not envy a sinner; you don't know what disaster awaits him.
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.
People fail forward to success.
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him up to a heavy load.
Anger is never without Reason, but seldom with a good One.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
Nothing contributes so much to tranquilizing the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.
Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle.
We learn and grow and are transformed not so much by what we do but by why and how we do it.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Reading well is one of the great pleasures that solitude can afford you.
We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.
Is there life before death?
You can go a long way with bad legs and a good head.
Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.
Greatness is more than potential. It is the execution of that potential. Beyond the raw talent. You need the appropriate training. You need the discipline. You need the inspiration. You need the drive.
The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.
I didn't even breathe.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Never make a defense or an apology until you are accused.
There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry.
A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Anything looked at closely becomes wonderful.
There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Sometimes when you innovate, you make mistakes. It is best to admit them quickly, and get on with improving your other innovations.
Your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life.
There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry.
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.
All movements go too far.
What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly.
I said to myself, I have things in my head that are not like what anyone has taught me - shapes and ideas so near to me - so natural to my way of being and thinking that it hasn't occurred to me to put them down. I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught.
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
Creative work is play. It is free speculation using materials of one's chosen form.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.
The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.
Never fear the want of business. A man who qualifies himself well for his calling, never fails of employment.
Van's sweater was soaked in blood.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
The toughest question has always been, "How do you get your ideas?" How do you answer that? It's like asking runners how they run, or singers how they sing. They just do it!
I stumbled some, then a hand pushed my head down and I was inside the Hummer.
My friend is one... who take me for what I am.
I lived what most people call the good life. I was happy, but deep inside I always felt that, with the short amount of time we are given to live and love in this world, we spend too much time loving things instead of people.
I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
It is nobler to declare oneself wrong than to insist on being right - especially when one is right.
What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Love is that splendid triggering of human vitality... the supreme activity which nature affords anyone for going out of himself toward someone else.
You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.
No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
Fresh clean sheets are one of life's small joys.
A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.
We think in generalities, but we live in detail.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
There is surely a piece of divinity in us, something that was before the elements, and owes no homage unto the sun.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
I stand in awe of my body.
He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.
The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.
When you encounter difficulties and contradictions, do not try to break them, but bend them with gentleness and time.
Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.
The scornful nostril and the high head gather not the odors that lie on the track of truth.
We inhereit from our ancestors gifts so often taken for granted... Each of us contains within... this inheritance of soul. We are links between the ages, containing past and present expectations, sacred memories and future promise.
So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.
All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
People fail forward to success.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I never know how much of what I say is true.
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
We play the hands of cards life gives us. And the worst hands can make us the best players.
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
Have patience awhile; slanders are not long-lived. Truth is the child of time; erelong she shall appear to vindicate thee.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success. Talent is only a starting point in this business. You've got to keep on working that talent. Someday I'll reach for it and it won't be there.
Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day.
If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.
There ain't no free lunches in this country. And don't go spending your whole life commiserating that you got raw deals. You've got to say, 'I think that if I keep working at this and want it bad enough I can have it.'
Never read a book through merely because you have begun it.
There ain't no free lunches in this country. And don't go spending your whole life commiserating that you got raw deals. You've got to say, 'I think that if I keep working at this and want it bad enough I can have it.'
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.
Life is consciousness.
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
Nothing is so good for an ignorant man as silence; and if he was sensible of this he would not be ignorant.
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