Ptitchitza u niskom letu

subota, 31.05.2008.

Thank you all / Hvala vam

Lemme just write a brief note, i'm enjoying the evening with Natas and the music on the TMF. Natas is just preparing a joint, the first one i'm not going to be able to resist.

I finally bounced today, and I want to thank everyone on the comments that were posted on my blog in recent two weeks (since last i've paid a visit to it).

S-man, i feel you must be someone who knows me in real life. once all this shit is over i hope you will tell me who you are. You say the right things, they make sense (expect for smoking, i've tested myself here rather severely, and trust me i exercise very scroupulous discretion when i'm gonna allow myself a joint -- only when i'm in a good mood). It's tempting to write a long overexplanatory post about whether or not "i did this all to myself". In some ways, you're right -- i was a complicit (suucesnik). My trust in all humanity was (and still is) so shaken that I often choose to open myself unconditionally to any person that i feel deserves it, continuing to issue "maledictions" (invocations of evil) against myself. I'm just so ashamed of how whining a weakling i've become that i feel everybody is so fucking bored of me, including my friends and relatives. I know that i can always turn to them, i'm just keeping them for when the water really threatens to take me under.

/// Svima zahvaljujem na komentarima, mnogo mi znace. Loona, jesil ti ona cura iz amsterdama, beogradjanka koja slika one impresivne slike 'zenskih portala u vjecnost' (da ih tako nazovem). Outofblue, s tobom bih volio i privatni e-mail razmijeniti. Moje prokletstvo je da sam po prirodi sklon introspekciji i samo-analizama. Ignorance is bliss, to osjecam kao jednu od vecih istina, kao sto je Bernard Russell rekao: problem sa svijetom jest taj da su pametni puni sumnji u sebe, a glupi su puni sebe. Za mene nije dobro (uostalom, za nijednog muskarca /osobito/ nije dobro da nista u zivotu ne radi, nego da ima svo to vrijeme da promislja svoju zlu kob. Samo kad bih uspio uspostaviti neku rutinu u zivotu, to bi mi mnogo znacilo. Pokusat cu naci neki intenzivni tecaj nizozemskog da ga konacno ispeglam. Ovdje sam u mnogo cemu svjesno zelio ostati anonimac, ali vrijeme je da se to promijeni, ako si zelim ikakvu buducnost promisljati u ovoj vrlo 'urednoj' drzavi...

HVala vam svima. NAdam se da ce uskoro doci vrijeme kad ce ovakvim cmizdravim postovima odzvoniti i doci novo vrijeme leprsavoj, perceptivnoj ptitchitzi koja zna uzivati u zivotu....

Hey, Natas, I didn't press the left-shift key not ONCE tonight, i really rock (when i rock!), don't you already know it well?

Thank you all, cari amici.
Hvala vam svima!

- 23:27 - Komentari (6) - Isprintaj - #

petak, 23.05.2008.

on pissing

i didn't piss entire day.
i had one bromazepam
for breakfast
two more for lunch

everything properly administered by authorities

and still i could not pss, or sleep.
not unlike israeli attache in a prestigious new amsterdam restaurant
'i've been fingering your waitress for ten minutes and still she wouldnt cum'

but now i'm safe
and i've pissed
oh, and hou!

wat en nou!

Was ist das?
DAS IST WASSeeeeerrrr, yeah meneeeerrrrr!
Daist ist alles zuzamen eigenlijk wasserr.

So, BUndestag!ppp

- 21:56 - Komentari (7) - Isprintaj - #

fogedabaudit

forgt

don't cry for e
con't dry for m

don't cry for aristocrats,
they have no red blood anymore,
they are undead.

kylie, i love.
she rules.
the fucking amazonian,
and she survivied the cancer.

- 21:50 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

aaaaaaaaaaaaa eeeeeeeeeeee iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii oooooooooooooooo ou

moram posuditi tu bibliju
od tome

to mi je POSLEDNJA SANSA.
da ju procitam.

a osim toga sam i svoju novu domovnicu izgubio tamo zadnji puta.
osim ako je ne najdu.

al saka vam cast za one dvije Crnkinje neku vecer,
kako sam ih zamezio, ajajajajajaj.

Jedna, zrela obla, CRNA
Druga, nezrela oblicka, ali mnogo manje obla, ali CRNA.

Aiiiiiiii karam ba!

- 21:44 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

i know

how clever she is.

what i do this weekend or next week
i go to cappelle a/d ijssel
where the dutch pm lives, i''ve heard

where i met her.
she wrote in the quite room
'i speak eight languages'

like it's supposed to matter or somethng.
it did, it does.

i'm gonna write:
my name is sinisa span
and i speak 8 languages.

and 'm a mossage general of navy marines.
and my eyes are not wide shut
and i like to loose myself in the long hotel corridors.

and fuck you.

- 21:41 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

de stigmata, the fahronheid

is drunk.

hij is
punk
in drublik.

maar... ik woon hier, so pusiste mi kurac sive pojedicno.

- 21:22 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

jeste li

primetili
da ja nikad ne pisem o seksu.

zato ce hillary biti slijedeci predsjednik usa.
zato. jer nije crnknjia, i nije zena. molicu?

ne, pardon, ona nije zena, ali je amerikanka
demokrata (it's the democratic double term is what follows)
ali najvaznije za ameriku, ruku na srce
jest da nije crnkinja.

jer amerika ce takodjer biti zemlja
proleterka
zapravo ako nije, onda nek u zemlju propadne od srama

ima tamo da bidne jedna revolucijica malena.
n'est-ce pas?

p.s. ja ne pisem o seksu? demokrati ne pricaju o seksu, to je njihov kardinalni grijeh, vole da se jebu. big fucking deal, eh? the republicans they just love money, ánd it's never quite enough and they'll do everything to get more. tha'ts why they should all be enprisoned. and sodomized.

do you know what they do to soft republicans
in the prison, in america?

heh heh heh
it's o gay.

- 21:17 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

admiralu stjepanu

moja hrvatska misija.

bracu.
bosnjaka.
susjeda.

sam vec cuo. sad zelim ga vidjeti, i slusati, i da mi jasno ukaze na sve uzase rata domovinskog kojega je on iskusio, a ja nisam.

pa koji sam ja kurac da budem ovoliko sretan, a on da ne bude?
prvo idemo u slavoniju.

a onda kad ce on i njegova draga
moci, onda idemo k meni.

pa ako zeli da se razvaljuje svake veceri u rotterdamu ili drugdje u nizozemskoj.

it's on me. to je dobro ulozen novac.
pa da naucim malo o post-traumatic stress disorder., majku im jebem strumfovsku.

- 21:08 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

fuck it, my sleeping pills

don't work
and i don't give a fuck.

i don't work for UN anytmore.

i'm up for grabs,
you beautifl woemn
working for mossad

or any other
secret service of sisterhood.

- 21:06 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

i like harrold robbins

he dictates his book to a secretary.
he's not lazy like i am.

he's stinking rich.

- 21:04 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

vanavodn

at the soft egg cafe
methinks

like diamanda said... gimme sodomy or gimme death.

methinks
evry fucking men on this planet should be raped. once.

let's make the world the better place to live.

or, alternatively, we should let our girlfriends/women
sodomise us here and there.

lemme tell you
women really enjoy that
and giving head.

makes them feel powerful.
you know how it is, the weaker sex and everything.

- 20:53 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

jesam vam

reko da dolazim na godisnji,
horvatsko moja domovino,
jedna od triju kojih imadem.

sto to znaci, jel treba da spelujem?

to znaci:
purica s mlincima
prave jewcy bosanske baklave (alimolicu samo one s orasima, necu neke bezvezne cevape)
e da,
cevapi!

wibu, jednu weliku wibetinu.
s cesnjakom i svime.

puno piva.
odlicnog vina.

ma znate sta pickavammaterina
nadoknadicu 12 kilograma telesne mi duzine
talasno i usporedno
u deset dana

majke mi.

e da,
i kefira.

tri hektolitra.
mora se mislit na alkohol. kefir ima 0.2% i ne dam ihnikome,
pa ni vladi, ako me misli hapsit
sa 0.5% promila u krvu.

- 20:49 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

CETERUM CENSEO

da ICTY valja razoriti.

Alea acta aest.
Dosta smo se kockali.

De 1953 gebouw is getting too old for that shit.

Gimme access again, and a gun with a single bullet
and i'm gonna personally shoot dead seselj and
malo ispljuskati gotovinu. (s njim se nije za zajebavat)

i onda kud koji mili moji.
svim general service staff members morala bi
ako ima pravde ici postena severance pay.

all professionals... welll, you've gotta a nice work reference, don't ya?

mozemo svi ponovo da se u i ob jedinimo kad ufatimo koga ono...
a da! setio sam se!
kara fucking dzica
i
kara fucking mlafuckonju dica

da im jebem svima mater.

- 20:41 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

ab ovo

jovane, jovanko
na novanke

trla babca dzoju
da joj prodje...

sve ste mi pruzili
nesebicno zaduzili

neko ce morati da se menja
dali ja ili mozda vi?
zivi bili....

- 20:32 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

lemmer teller your oner thinger over mijn opa

he is a musician.
he would always, altijd, uvijek, drajv me crazy when i'
d point him to my currently favorite blues and seek his approval
and he would always,
only just a split second,
say,

- yes, it's good.

fcuk him.
now i know he's right.
'cause ya'see
i'm a musician too.

i'm a perfumist.

- 20:30 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

on my funeral

when they kille d me in d kar.

i wanna hear
the hymns

1' hrvatska
2´ suomi
3´nederland
4´ usa
5´ deutschland deutchland ueber alles!
i dr.

alles raus
!

- 19:32 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

hoeru

hoe ar u
kakao sam.

nikad me niko pijanog neije vidio. nikada. nijesam bio
punk in drublik.

noch en toch veceras gledajte dobro.

- 19:30 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

more trouble every day

i should, like frank zapaa,
like fatija mannaa,

learn to work nights
and sleep days.

or at least dream days
and sleep nights.

because=
i am worth it.

- 19:29 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

theodore,

je li ti se dopao onaj enchanced SCD koji sam ti poslao za rodjendan, s zakasnjenjem=

- 19:24 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

did you write to me about the car=

jeste mi pisali=
neu sudjujem se jos pogledati.

moram doma.
kao sto rece dr. torre u najboljoj postojecoj knjizi o drogama, koju sam kupio posredstvnom zajednickog prijatelja, damira sodana, pa sam sva tri dobio i potpisana od autora! canabis izaziva najgore u alkoholu, a alkohol najgore u canabisu. pa jos ako pusite duvan, stvarno prizivate vraga.

a ko sto kaze oluja, pusiti u osami, to je fakat za lusere.

sacu vam rec nesto sto mi nitko nece vjerojat.
tek sam prije neki dan probao duvati.

nobody´s gonna believe it,
but i only ever was blowing a joint
the other night.

after some three years of chronic intoxication
ever since i gotten sued to that bmw.

- 19:14 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

uuuuiiiiiooooooooaeaaooouuuuuuu!

what about us, cvili michael. jackson.
ajde mihaele, izaberi boji kozi
pa se vrati iz bahrainea,
kupi koji megagalon benzina da imas za aute,
vrati se jameriku
snimi neko novo cudo od albuma.

prince sa malo zajebo, ali ti si putpunoma odvalio, bre.
tebi bi fakat sharia zakon trebao, cini se se, ha=

- 19:08 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

polubauk polukruzi polueuropom

1' kosovo republjik.

gedaan.

2` evvveeeerybody knows. turkiye should be a member state of ECM. but not until they acknowledge the FUCKING GENOCIDE over armenians, a century ago. we dont give a shit about you being muslim, i dont, but that is your little red button, and you´re not getting in until you paint it green, okay=

2´ kosovo should not be an independent republjik, because it is gonna itch albania real real bad to not to make alles zuzamen jednu veliku grosse grosse albaniju, i onda, tek onda, je hrvatska istinski sjebana, a i europa s njome.

tako je govorila umorna, pustena na slobodu, sita, napustena, najedenena, napusena i u procesu pijana ptitchitza.

- 19:02 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

urbi et orbi: u pomoc!

jos uvijek imam dva jebeno dobra auta,
ali fakat nijedan vise ne radi,
a zivkovicu sam duzan milijon mjesec garaznine.

Draga Miro, dolazim uskoko i placem!

I kako cu sad na godisnji.
pa jednostavno: vozi misko!

i sad... imam nekoliko sjajnih ideja,
ali najsjajnija (uvijek) je da je novi auto uvijek bolji od staroga,
makar bio polovni.

dakle, svoj NL mercedes mogu zaboraviti, ali svoju 2,000 eura vrijedno stereo uredjaj u njemu, gobami necu jer je subwoofer napravljen po meri i za mene, za mecku 190 e 2.0 1986, i kostala me samo ona 4 glave.

iz toga slijedi:
mozda bih mogao dandinu bemburu malo provozat po europi? bmw 520 i executive edition. mnogo lepa kola, u njima se oscjecam kao domaci.
ali, necu znati dok mi dando ne plati jos jedne cevape. jer nesto me malo zbunio nedavno povodom neke inicijative koja mi je isla uz dlaku pa sam je odbio.

mozda bih kupio onaj oronjali nali totalno seksi japanac, izjedene boje, blizu benzinske pumpe na schveningenu. ali, uopce se ne vidi da je vlasniku do prodaje, dakle zaboravi. auto izgleda kao da ce sa raspast kad ga upalis, ali je seksi. idemo dalje.

mozda bih tati, maji, maji, tvrtku, jeleni, nekom od prijatelja rekao da me dodju posjetit u nl i da dodju autom, pa da mogu snjima nazad, s time da JA vozim. jer sam u opasnoj vozackoj apstinencijskoj krizi.

zaprava, moja draga maja, ona koja nije majka sina,
ima sutra rodjendan. sretan ti rodjendan, majo!

mislio sam cak da ti se javim i predlozim da za 200 eura posudim onu tvoju super nissan micru koja brije li ga brije! znam, jer sam jednom s njime u ljubljanu i nazad, na koncert laurie anderson! potom sam majicu s koncerta poklonio najboljoj hrvatskoj spisateljici, ana-mariji simic, braticu romana simica )u sto se zaljbubljujemo=', a ona rece svojoj curi,

/ fuj, smrdi na znoj.
hahahaha.

no dobro, dakle auto. sto cu stim.

odlazim. iza ugla u HAPPY FUCK occasions.
ima jedan super seksi renault clijac.

znate najbolju definiciju klitorisa`
clitoris is that little pink button that does not kiss back but really likes you!

dakle, drzte me prije nego ga ubijem! autodavca!
ameri nisu uopste glupi, znate, kad je njima kljucno pitanje u zivotu±

would you buy a car from THIS man=

renault clio 1993, 1.3 benzine. jeftin, fino uskuvan. kilometraza nepoznata.
covek rece 1,250 eura, kao za mene.
izmedju tebe i mene, prijatelju, netko je budala, ja sam pomislio, molim vas ispravite me kad mislim da bi tip trebao upiskiti se od srece kad mu posred lica mesta izvadim 5 stoja euroa i kazem, dajkljucevepickatimaterina!

- 18:39 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

alleen 5%

drugs-verslaafde mensen
i djece opcenito

kan afkikken.
get used to it.

get used to that fact
that only some 5% of childen
receive love from both parents
at the time, at the quantity
that will ensure their eternal
hapiness.

and then, in those 5%
some will definitely be killed
because they are simply so happy
that it comes as an affront to the rest of us.

- 18:34 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

and,

leave johhny alone, for crying out loud!
he does not want to talk to us.

ne moze pomoci nikome od nas.
naucite si sami pomoci.
tada cete pronaci i boga.

- 18:31 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

pismo majkama

draga vlasta,
si doma sutra, u subotu? trebao bih svratiti u haag po novcanik, nesto para, plastiku i ostalo sam ostavio kod tebe. hvala ti mnogo, naspavao sam se ko car. i kao uvijek, bilo mi je krajnje ugodno, iako nisam bio nesto pricljiv.

draga mama,
strpi se jos malo,
odlucio sam na godisnji 1-15. lipnja, pa se vidimo.

I DA SE VISE NISI BRINULA!!! jebentisveca, dosta vise s tim!

ima samo da kupim onaj renol clio, 5 stoja pa na put! na put!
smrskao sam svoj mercedes u srijede, ispred suda
pa me opet bilo uhapsilo, ali bili su vrlo, vrlo uvidjavni,
oteglili mi auto, mene uhapsili i drugo, i pustili
vec nakon dva dana!

pa ipak sa m ja sretno dete.
pa ipak sam ja sretno dijete. lina lista.

quadrifoglio.
sva su cetiri pala, braco!
sva cetiri!

i am a lt. general now.
only in combat does one progress so quickly as i am.

- 18:18 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

zayine!

dragom nijazu:

kupio sam ti knjigu na poklon jos prije gotovo dvije godine, ALI RAP, se zove.
odlicna.

samo sam istrgao jednu stranicu i poklonio sinu vlasnika avgvsvsa, malome pedro, jer nije nikad cuo za muhammed alija. pa sam mu poklonio stranicu s rapom koji se odnosi na mene, ali ima fotka alijeva.

poceo sam ti u njoj pisati nekakovu o-, pre- i drugaciju dugacku posvetu ali sam odustao jer je i po mojem sudu bila predugacka. izbrisi to, ili ignoshisi, ali javi se nenadu popsu jer je knjiga kod njega vec dulje vrijeme, kao sto je popsov edward said out of place jos uvijek kod mene, neprocitana.

vi ses, pa nesta teden!

- 18:14 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

ne zelim vise nikoga

da povredjudjem ni vredjam
na ovome blogu.

cinjenice su sljedece:
1) ja sam dovoljno bolestan da vise ne radim za UN ICTY.
2) dapace, cuo sam na radiju u utorak, da sam OTP usten.

to nije neki osobiti problem, jer sam otpusten dok sam na bolovanju, a to se ne moze raditi, barem ne u ovoj prelijepoj zemlji. it is a form of art to hate netherlands properly.

2) u mojem telu, ima neka, zivotinjica draaaaga!
a imam ih dovoljno za sve,
bas kao i ljubavi.

let love rule & fcuk off.

- 18:06 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

sretan rodjendan

jednom predragom ocu, zelim sretan rodjendan.

dragi, predragi, doslo mi je da te nazovem, ali su me upravo pustili iz hapsane, de sam svirio kurcu i klaviru, i u povratku mi se nije davalo 0.35 eurocenti samo da dignem slusalicu u nekom telecom ducancicu.

ali, mislim da sam zavredio godisnji, pa bi trebalo da se vidimo vrlo uvidjavno i vrlo uskoro.

spremam i nekoliko drugih osobnih pisama ovdje.

- 18:04 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

oh, angel eyes!

sprema se jedan mnogo lepi dzokavac.
red diamond is aanwezig, molicu.

natas is getting ready to produce it.

- 18:03 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

cogito ergo sum

conjito ergo jesam.

mislim da sam lud, dakle jesam.
ali ako ste vi sami ok, ili barem pametni,

nisam opasan.
nisam ni nesto osobito zgodan,

ali jesam neophodan!

- 17:40 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

pismo nerodjenoj majci

draga nerodjena majko,

you are wrong on at least two accounts and I condemn you to eternal hapiness.

1) you could be a GREAT parent. I saw so.

2) i do not look good on every picture you have seen of me. actually, i do, but you never saw them all, because i simply throw away the ones i am not pleased with. simpel, eh?

that is why i am angry about yoü: you never let me take a fucking photo of you, but you've let yourself photographed for the clinic's amateur publication, they probably took one single photo, didn't they, and published it.

you look like an innocent, vulnerable, weak sheep that you are NOYT.

so, if i ever see you again, dearest, minest maria, the love of..., we need to count in ourselves until seven, and then see what happens.

you are dangerous now to me, and i am now dangerous to you, because i almost learned to hate you, but will never.

let love rule. let friends be.
don't be ashamed of yourself, don't be ashamed of me.

let's be proud of ourselves.
allahu akbar.

- 17:31 - Komentari (2) - Isprintaj - #

nedjelja, 18.05.2008.

D & D

EIZE
ND
SIST.

ss.

- 18:31 - Komentari (10) - Isprintaj - #

četvrtak, 15.05.2008.

Ah... nobody reads me anymore!

What's happening people? Did you get sick of my crying over the spilled milk all the time? Ah... perhaps it's for the better, I occasionally get sick of my own writings... recenty i can pretty much only write when Ď'm drunk... although, i'm using my notebook often (and then never updating the blog with it...).

- 22:09 - Komentari (3) - Isprintaj - #

utorak, 13.05.2008.

Amazing

... how much self-restraint I show at times. Just before the onset of another of mine verbal diarhheas I went to the toilet and threw up. On another end, though... Admittedly, the experience is better left unrecorded, but I wanted to show that I'm not all gone just yet, hahaha.

- 21:42 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

A dze mi je ta hanumica moja...

Sultana is one among quite a few women in my life that told she'd like to have a child with me. Hm? How come these women disappear from my life so soon then, ha? I don't quite understand that. Only one of the very first ones managed to trick me (?) into having a baby, it must have been her youth...

Maybe I'm also one "from the chosen people", destined to remain unbelonging and dispossesed? My particular curse is that I have no faith on my own, hardly any of it left. Not much future like that.

Oh-oh. Getting too sober and serious and miserable again. Time to stop. See you over another pint of beer.

- 20:55 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

The weaker sex and everything...

It's worth noticing that while Europe was stinking to high heavens, the Arab civilisation invented the soap.

One of many, many book I started reading and then abandoned after only a few pages in recent months was Women and Sexuality in Muslim Countries, a collection of essays, which I tried months before meeting Sultana. (I wrote more about her today, but I'm sober again so I can't stand looking at it now. Maybe the next time?)

There something obvious was explained: by and large women are treated like 2nd rate citisenz throughout the Arab world, but it's precisely because Islam recognises women's sexuality as the dominant one, that we, the poor men, need to protect ourselves from...

Women, they say, are "fitna" (an arabic word for chaos and such). Women and power always go together, they knew that well. That's why so many kalifat's and what have you, harem's an' all. Control the women and you control the men too. Well... Islam had some seven centuries to find a way around some of the more stupid Christian dogmas, no?

We, the silly & confused men are really like plankton to women. Women are sperm-wails, really. What chances do we have? The persistant ones will always get us.

- 20:42 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Sick of it ALL

Including my own writing. Did you notice the more drunk I get the better my blog usually gets?

I can't stand the reality anymore, its just too fucking real. The problem with getting inebriated is that -- like any drug -- it only enhances the current state of the mind and allows the inhibitions to get loose.

So lazy AND so rational like I am -- finally one combination that I seem to have that keeps me from becoming a chronic abuser of any of the drugs or "drugs" at our disposal...

- 20:38 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Dangerous Pinky

My friend's Natas' computer keyboard is all full of tobacco, ash, spilled beer and some keys got stuck together. The left SHIFT key is definitely fucked. Should not touch it. I type with all 10 fingers, and earlier today I only touched it once.

Let's use that as a test of my current mental capacity...

- 20:36 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

less is more

the less i eat, the less beers i need to get drunk.
and then put some sexy girls on the music channel and i'm happy.

ah, so middle aged. so (un)comfortably numb.

"are you a director or something", sultana asked the first time she visited me in my apartment.

"i'm nothing without you", i thought to myself.

2+2=4, 1+1= as much as we want.
that's my problem.

my mother was too fucked up to be a good parent when the time was. and i'm always picking up women in my life i feel (at the moment) i can somewhat help. help you help me.

help.

- 15:25 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

i dunno but i've been told

many women in my life told me they prefer me drunk.

only one said she wants to see me 'high' on hashish or weed.
ah, maria... i miss your friendship, any trace of you will do.

maria has, i remember, a colour tatoo above her left brest, like a star of david, only with seven points. she had it done when she met that italian motherfucker 13 years ago, the love of her life, the one that ruined her life?

i smoked some, that night, obligingly and went to lie down. i imagined she was an israeli sniper shooter, so accomplished that she got all four targets in one assignenment, and look i must be special somewhat if i'm dating her, cause that tatoo is a medal.

i went to sleep upside down, my head towards the door, and when she came to check up on me i heared her and jumped a meter up from a bed hearing someone appoaching. and there was that sudanese hand-crafted knife underneath the mattrasse.

but i'm too rational to become addicted to anything but on a woman in my life. the one that needs help. the one that can help me. the one i feel i deserve.

it's sultana now. it's getting worse all the time.

- 15:05 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

beware of happy bananas

(mind you, a banana is sometimes only a banana even according to freud, like mika oklopdzic said long time ago).

apparently, they found a way of smugling drugs by somehow inserting them in bananas and then, i dunno, sawing bananas back invisibly or something.

but it's an easy pick for the customs officers, isn't it? they just look for a bunch of bananas having a party of their life, high on cocaine and they're ripe for picking, n'est-ce pas?

- 15:01 - Komentari (0) - Isprintaj - #

Sultana, the Arabian Princess

Two and two are still four but I'm more unhappy about it than ever.

The Bouman center, across the street from my building, where I've noticed some interesting looking people assemble (and then go cleaning the streets) is -- I've learned in the meantime -- a place for drug addicts (some of whom are without home) to come, register for a few hours work, get a free coffee or tea and some breakfast, then clean the streets in the neighbourhood for a couple of hours and collect their 7.5 euros. This is a place about which I've once had a dream to have seen Maria pretending not to see me passing by, but straightening proudly in her chair.

I've befriended a few people there recently. And, one morning some two months ago I saw Her. I'll call her Sultana. Dark skinned Maroccan woman of my age came there one morning, very tired and quiet. She is a heavy drug addict, the previous night she was too late to register to spend the night in a shelter for homeless people and had to spend the night sleeping out, on somebody's doorstep, out in a cold. There is something about her that draws me to her. We've spent the day together and I've let her get some rest in my place for the next two days. She was sleeping most of the time. I was also scared of her: the moment she opens her eyes, she starts smoking. Crack-cocaine, heroine, any weed or hash or pills she can take her hand on, there's simply no stopping.

We talked the first day; she is extremely intelligent and business oriented but her life is in such a state of chaos she simply cannot get a break. A fashion designer with detailed visions about a whole line of clothes with Islamic style decorations of universal beauty. We discussed a possibility of her renting a small room (and thus her getting some money as an aid from the authorities): this could have been a break she so desperately needed. This could have been a break I so desperately needed too: to have someone with me to whom I can help and who can help me with the chaos in my life: just the fact that I have someone to "use as an excuse" to start picking up the remnants of my life.

But... even my gentle attempts to have some semblance of a normal life, such as having perhaps a breakfast together before she reaches for her pipe and gets high... it didn't work. She was dead already, she just didn't know it yet. And so am I on my own, when I come to think about it.

She left. Again I felt a ray of hope for a brief moment before it was gone. I cracked again, in desperation, ended up in hospital for almost three weeks. Sultana ended up in jail: she was picked up by the police for not paying some penatly or something.

Then we met again and spent the most of the week together. Talked much more, raised our mutual expectations somewhat. This time I decided to afford myself a touristic passage through her world of drugs usage which she says she wants to quit ("in her own way`). Like Maria, Sultana was raised to be religious, but again I felt I am more of a believer than any of them two, but now I understand it. These drugs she takes are so disgusting, often taste like benzine, but the instant fix of high some of them provide is so tempting that I came to think that precisely because they are so appealing (and highly addictive), one should be extremely cautious about using them. That is really the only God addicts are praying to, the only will to live is to get some more the next day.

I was so eager to notice any signs of self restraint in her and one night... I killed her God. I didn´t feel good about it, I felt hypocritical because I had a little bit of cocaine with her at first, but didn´t know what else to do. I pleaded with her to leave some for tomorrow, she had a small packet of white, a small packet of brown and some skunk weed and just started taking them all. Finally, I threw the brown outta window. She went ballistic, but appeared to have calmed down soon enough, what followed later was more of a performance. It was pass midnight, she wanted to go out to get some more, I would not let her. She picked up her bags, threatening to call the police but with her body language signalling her reluctance to leave. Again I felt powerless. I felt she was daring me with the police. Two female officers came, told me I cannot hold anyone against their will (fair enough), and they left all together. That was the last I saw her. I miss her, I feel the chance of us saving each other´s life has not yet been exhausted. I spent the rest of the night agonizing where is she now, who with, doing what...

That was three weeks ago. The first week I went through expecting to see her again, then I fell back into my own nothingness.

Everytime I met her, I was less scared of her and more scared of myself.

This is a shit post, I felt like putting it here like some kind of introduction before I dump on the blog some more direct reflections of Sultana and myself.

- 12:32 - Komentari (1) - Isprintaj - #

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