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WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??!

One of the times when Maria scared me was when she started yelling at me, out of the blue:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I just gave her a puzzled, surprised look thinking that she's not feeling well, and is thinking who knows what.

Now I think she was testing me. I think I've passed the test then, but am failing it spectacularly now, without her.

Then I was just too tired of all the shit and stress that came my way but thought No, I did not give up on life just yet (like Maria sometimes implies).

What is wrong with me? I think it's said in two songs rather well.

"I've been up so G_ddamn long, that it looks like down to me." - is one, only Jim Morrison was singing it other way 'round.

"When I'm 64", sang the Beatles, like... when I was younger I never needed anybody (true), but I am no longer young. I am, as we would say in Croatia, "younger", which means precisely that: no longer young, but not enough "old" to earn our unconditional provincial acclaim. Thus, "younger". Young, younger, old.

Too old to Rock 'n Roll, too young too die. - Jethro said in a similarly themed song.

Yup, I'm an old soul, like Maria. I'm older than 64 in my mind, captivated in the body of an 41 year old.

I thought I was through with my middle age crisis three years ago, when I've discovered that my hair has thinned somewhat. Then I let it grow rrreally long, one last time and started keeping it really short and was OK.

I need work now to be OK again, and don't feel like going to Kazahstan or back to Croatia to get some, and I'm not yet ready for the Netherlands.