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srijeda, 16.06.2004.
I wonder why, people...
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a resta! urant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person ! who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?!
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
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- 08:29 -
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Pranje mačaka - koristan savjet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times...
With sincerity and loyalty,
The Dog
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- 08:06 -
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utorak, 15.06.2004.
Senior personals
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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- 07:57 -
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The new kind of hospital
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on
adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists
voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists
preferred no rash moves.
The Gastro-enterologists had a Gut feeling about
it, but the Neurologists thought the administration
had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated
they were laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead
body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing, and the Radiologists could see right through
it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow -but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a
whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
Gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to
say no.
And in the End, the Proctologists left the
decision up to some asshole who didn't give a shit!
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- 07:55 -
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utorak, 08.06.2004.
Welfare office
A black woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker es, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they's all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest--he Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right..," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-- it make it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes arunnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's runnin' into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of 'em stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy.
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls by their last names."
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- 07:37 -
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četvrtak, 03.06.2004.
Najnoviji prijevodi sa i na Engleski
1. 'ko te jebe! - Who fucks you!
2. Daj da te prevedem na drugu stranu ceste. - Let me translate you on the other page of the road.
3. Naime. - On the name.
4. Šta je, tu je. - What is, it's here.
5. Da ku' će. - Yes houses.
6. Dapače. - Yes duck.
7. Kako da ne. - How yes no.
8. Koja je klica? - What's the germ?
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- 12:23 -
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srijeda, 02.06.2004.
Die Juden
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and
Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit
adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10!"
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- 07:51 -
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utorak, 01.06.2004.
Starci u restoranu
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, what's the name of that flower you give to someone you love?"
His friends replies, "A carnation??"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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- 07:43 -
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