Vicevi i činjenice...

Tijesto

Idu dva kruha preko ceste,
vide pizzu i kažu: mater joj jebem, vidi našminkane kurve.

Voajer

Dosao Ivica sa šljivom na oku na sat.
Profesorica ga upita:
Ivice, što je bilo?!
Ubola me susjeda sa iglom za pletenje.-odgovara Ivica
Što? Slučajno?-pita profesorica
Ne. Kroz ključanicu!-odgovara Ivica

Pijana posla

Side dva tipa u kafiću i jedan pocne vridjat drugog: jeba san ti mater! Drugi suti. Prvi opet: jeba san ti mater! Drugi opet suti.
Prvi uporno: jeba san ti mater.
Drugi: Daj tata molim te ajde kući opet si pijan

Plavuša i farmer

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"
So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here"
Terribly impressed, the man asks, How did you know this is the cow to be bred?
By the nail over it's stall, Amy explains.
Then the man asks, What's the nail for?
"I Guess it's to hang your pants on...", she tells him as she walks away.

Tiger Woods

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"

Razno!

Zašto vještice ne nose gaćice?
Bolje se primi metla.

Zašto plavušu okreneš naopako nakon seksa?
Da imaš kuda provući karticu!

Koja je razlika izmedju torte i plavuše?
U tortu idu i jaja.

Pitaju plavušu: "koja je razlika izmedju seve i deve?"
"Ne znam, nisam se nikad devila..."

Deset prljavih stvari koje ti izlete za vrijeme golfa:

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

60 stvari koje ne bi trebali reći golom muškarcu (za cure)

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Milostivi odvjetnik

The Wealthy Lawyer
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Kad bi psi mogli pričati...

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FUCKIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

Komplicirano vs. vrlo jednostavno!

Kako muskarac moze usreciti zenu?
Da bi zena s vama bila sretna, morate biti:
- prijatelj
- psiholog
- ljubavnik
- brat
- otac
- ucitelj
- odgojitelj
- kuhar
- zidar
- vodoinstalater
- mehanicar
- dekorater unutarnjeg prostora
- stilist
- seksolog
- ginekolog
- citac misli (i zelja)
- psihijatar
- terapeut
- drzak
- organiziran
- dobar otac
- cist
- simpatican
- atleticar
- dražestan
- pozoran
- kavalir
- inteligentan
- pun fantazije
- kreativan
- sladak
- mocan
- pun razumijevanja
- tolerantan
- oprezan
- ambiciozan
- sposoban
- hrabar
- odlucan
- pouzdan
- popustljiv
- zagrizen
- pun komplimenata
- kupovati s njom
- ne raditi probleme
- jako bogat
- ne težak
- ne gledati druge ženske

Takodjer, muškarac mora paziti: da nije ljubomoran, ali niti
nezainteresiran mora se slagati sa svojom obitelji, ali ne smije im
posvetiti previše vremena da joj daje prostor, ali se mora brinuti
gdje je ona-
Od svega toga jako je važno ne zaboraviti slijedece datume :
- obljetnice (vjenčanje, zaruke, prvi poljubac...)
- diplome
- njene godine
- njen rodjendan
rodjendan njene najbolje prijateljice (ali ne pokazati prevelikog
interesa u tom - samo spomenuti pravi dan)


A sad - kako žena može usrećiti muškarca?
1. dodje gola...
2. ...i donese hranu

Crnogorci

Šta je to kad čovjek u Podgorici sjedi na verandi i plače??

Crnogorac sjeo na brokvu i ne da mu se dignit!
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Viče Crnogorac iz šume ženi, "ženo donesi mi onaj protuotrov!"

"Zar te je, Momire, zmija ugrizla?"

"Nije, ali evo je gmiže!"
_____________________________________________

Jebe Crnogorac svoju ženu, a ona ispod njega viče, "Momire, Momire, reci mi brzo nešto ružno!"

"Jedi govna..."

Edip i Sizif

Gura Sizif svoj kamen uz brdo i vrati mu se na njega. Gura Sizif opet kamen, a kamen opet padne po njemu. Sve to gleda Edip i smije mu se sa strane.
Sizifu dopizdilo i viče "Ajde Edipe idi jebi mater svoju"

Vrlo jasno objašnjenje

Turn them around...
A young boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds!", and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar!"

Smiješna strana povijesti

Jesus' Dad's Name A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who
knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused,
the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know
they are always talking about Verge n' Mary!"

Pravi crkveni dečko

At Church one Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either
side of them. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said
quietly:
"Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor,"
replied the boy, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Kad plavušu uzmeš za posao...

Crnogorski štrajk