25.09.2004., subota
dear daddy
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ovo je post koji je vrlo vazan za mene...mozda cak i jedini post kojim cu na povrsinu iznijeti nesto iz najdubljih djelova moje duse...ovaj post je posvecen mom ocu... mom ocu su posvecene mnoge stranice mog dnevnika,mnoge pjesme,i mnoge molitve...ljudi se mjenjaju... mozde ces ovo nekad procitati,a mozda i ne.nikada ne znas sta sudbina nosi,mozda ces se jednog dana ponovo promjeniti,a mozda i ne.mozda cu jednog dana zaboraviti ovo sve,mozda cu jednog dana ponovo biti sretna kao nekad....mozda...ti si postao jedan od onih glavnih likova romana kakve volim da citam,ali uzasno patim dok ih citam,jer glavni lik obicno bude predivno stvorenje,predobro djete,sa nekim svojim idealima i prinicipima koji funkcionisu samo u harmonicnom svijetu.to su likovi koji uzivaju u zivotu iako je on izuzetno tezak,i ne krive nikad nikog drugog zbog svoje nevolje...sve dok ne odrastu...i vremenom postanu beskrupulozni,egoisticni ljudi koji zive samo za sebe,i koji neke teorije iz prahistorije pocinju smatrati ispravnim...ne dozvoljavaju ljudima koje vole,i koji njih vole da im se priblize,niti dozvoljavaju njima da budu slobodni,da izgrade vlastite ideje,vlastiti savrseni svijet.....kakav su oni nekad imali..dok nisu postali hladni kipovi...i dok citam te romane,moja dusha place...place jer osjeca da poznaje tog lika,da zna za sve to,ali da ne shvata zasto je sve to tako!ne shvatam!stvarno ne shvatam...prvo cega se sjecam u citavom svom zivotu je scena kada ja i ti,neposredno pred rat,pishemo veliko slovo A po tek asfaltiranom djelu ispred kuce,kredom...to je moja prva i najsretnija uspomena...sve one nakon toga vezane za tebe,mamu ili nas zivot su sranje,i samo bol...zasto to radimo jedni drugima?zasto nanosimo bol jedno drugom,opet i opet i opet??!?!zast?!?!ne shvatam,i ne znam da li cu ikad shvatiti...mozda jednog dana,ako postnem kao ti,mozda to i shvatim...mozda tada shvatim zasto si ti uvijek u pravu,pa cak i kad nam nanosis bol...mozda tada shvatim zasto ja nemam pravo da postanem,da budem drugacija....zasto si se promjenio??ti najdivnije stvorenje na planeti zemlji?bio si mi sve...sve...voljela sam te oce,voljela sam te najvise na svijetu!vise i od sunca vise i od mjeseca!vise i od vjetra,i muzike,i nove zore,vise od sebe!voljela sam te tako puno i mislila sam da je sve sto kazes totalno tacno,da si najpametnije stvorenje na zemlji,da si najjaci,da si ...da si drugaciji!ali nisi...vise...promjenio si se i to boli!postao si hladan,i vise ne razgovaras sa mnom kao sa djetetom nego kao sa zatvorenikom,koji ne zasluzuje nista vise od tebe,do nametanja tvoje volje i tvog misljenja...ni prema bratu nisi vise kakav si prije bio....a mama...ja znam,sigurna sam u to,bez obzira sta vas dvoj govorili,znam da si je volio od prvog trenutka kada si je ugledao i da ces je voljeti do smrti...znam isto tako da i ona tebe voli,i ako kaze suprotno...i ovo nije san djeteta,ovo je stvarnost...znam da je tako...al znam da te je povrijedila njena hladnoca,ali i nju tvoj ponos i tvoj sovinisticki stav...nisi uvijek bio takav...bar te ja ne pamtim takvog...ili mi se cini da se protekle dvije-tri godine sve se od jednom promjenilo?odjednom si postao hladan i prost...zelim da te volim ponovo ali nemogu...nemogu voljeti takvu osobu...zasto si samo postao to sto jesi???!!!kao mala sam te zvala babi...tepala ti...o kako sam te samo voljela!!!!ne,neces se promjeniti...znam...ostat ces kip bez dushe i srca,kip koji stoji tu samo da bi opominjao i grdio...kip koji nije vishe moj otac.... ponekad se pitam da te nisu mozda vanzemaljci kidnepovali i da nisi josh uvijek gore kod njih na velikom svemirskom brodu,plovis galaksijama,a ovaj stvor,ovo cudoviste ovamo dole je samo tvoja LOSHA kopija,samo jedan glupi,neintelignetni,bezosjecajni vanzemaljac....voljela bih da je to u pitanju,jer razocarenje boli vise od samog gubitka....voljela sam te nekad najvise na svijetu...vishe to nemogu...zao mi je...stvarno...al...to nisi vise ti,ti nisi vise tu,ti nisi moj otac...jer moj otac bi znao da se osjecam loshe i pomogao mi,vratio se!al,to nisi ti... i jos samo jedno...pokusala sam te mrziti,tjerala sam samu sebe na to,zbog svega smtrala sam da si zasluzio...ali nemogu da te mrzim...nemogu ni da te volim ni da te mrzim...ne preostaje mi nista drugo nego da te zalim... |
- 21:29 - Komentari (9) - Isprintaj - #
Dnevnik.hr |
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no name-just pain
    (ta 'pomenuta' scena iz filma 'sanjari')     Bendovi(i artisti) koje volim i cije cd-ove i mp3-ce trenutno forsiram maximalno Aqualung Tonic Turtles Blur Sufjan Stevens Adam green Oasis Imogine heep Jive Eles dios malos doves ellen ten dammme Dido Nelly furtado Negativ Juli sentenced iced earth nirvana placebo anathema lost prophets evanescence on thorns i lay lacuna coil guano apes alanis morisette papa roach(lovehatetragedy-u znak dobrih starih vremena:-)) van gogh i et...to e to trenutno... TRENUTNO CITAM 11 Minuta - citam... Choices - Nancy Toder - procitano Wien um 1900-procitano Oliver twist-na citanju Demijan—precitavam po ko zna koji put Tajna veza-procitana Zamka za snove-S.King=procitano Ponornica-S.Kulenovic-procitan kabinet cudesa-procitano linearni grad-nikako da dovrsim a nema ni 100 strana radije uzmi moga brata(njem.)-procitano citadela-cronin- procitano misterije svijeta-davno predjeno g.g.marquez-ljubav u doba kolere-nikad procitala et...tolko za sad... ...Sweet child in time you'll see the line The line that's drawn between the good and the bad See the BLIND man shooting at the world Bullets flying taking toll If you've been bad, Lord I bet you have And you've not been hit by flying lead You'd better close your eyes and bow your head And wait for the ricochet... evo mojih dosadasnjih googlizama...tj.kako me ljudi nadjose na googlu... -ocu ajvar za cevape(???) -bol u ledjima kod djece -nazif gljiva.mp3(e ovaj mi je najkrvaviji bez sumnje) -Lyrics-sheeter feat.amy lee -blog sam uradila -pjesma za spavanje -jajacki izbori -dnevnik jedne teenager-ke -hand made nakit -pearl jam-voice for change -lektire za malu raju -bajke -srebrenicani slike(obratiti se gdniu Amoru Masovicu,a ne meni...) Guns'n'Roses-Don't Cry If we could see tomorrow What of your plans No one can live in sorrow Ask all your friends Times that you took in stride They're back in demand I was the one who's washing Blood off your hands Don't you cry tonight I still love you baby Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight I know the things you wanted They're not what you have With all the people talkin' It's drivin' you mad If I was standin' by you How would you feel Knowing your love's decided And all love is real An don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight I thought I could live in your world As years all went by With all the voices I've heard Something has died And when you're in need of someone My heart won't deny you So many seem so lonely With no one left to cry to baby An don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry tonight Baby maybe someday Don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry Tonight Cold Heritage-Lacuna Coil Don't tell me why I'm so near to commit a crime When I stay alone here in front of you (I'm here) Illusion falls when you're not honest about the way I feel I know I need only your voice Saving all my words only for you Forgive me Saving all my words only for you I don't know why There's a limit to defy With the vision of the future at my feet (I'm here) The night embrace me while The picture simply blows me away I feel I'll need only your voice And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Believe the light in me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Reveal the light in me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me Believe the light in me And I'm lonely here inside of me Deep inside of me I've never, never felt myself this way before And I want to leave with my tears If you'll disappear Believe in the light in me Saving all my words only for you Forgive me Falling on me knees only for you Forgive me Bosnia-the Crannberries I would like to state my vision Life was so unfair We live in our secure surroundings And people die out there Bosnia, was so unkind Sarejevo, change my mind And we all call out in despair All the love we need isn't there And we all sing songs in our room Sarejevo erects another tomb Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Bosnia, was so unkind Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Sarejevo! Bosnia, was so unkind Sure, things would change If we really wanted them to No fear for children anymore There are babies in their beds Terror in their heads For the love of life! When do the saints go marching in? When do the saints go marching in? When do the saints go marching in? When do the saints go marching in? Rummmpatipum, Rummmpatipum... Traboo, Traboo, Traboo... Watching Over Me-Iced Earth I had a friend many years ago One tragic night he died The saddest time of my life For weeks and weeks I cried Through the anger and through the tears I've felt his spirit through the years I'd swear, He's watching me Guiding me through hard times (chorus) I feel it once again It's overwhelming me His spirit's like the wind The angel guarding me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over me We shared dreams like all best friends Blood brothers at the age of ten We lived reckless, he paid the price But why? Why did he have to die? It still hurts me to this day Am I selfish for feeling this way? I know he's an angel now Together we'll be someday I feel it once again It's overwhelming me His spirit's like the wind The angel guarding me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over me Oh, I know, oh, I know He's watching over Shinead O'Connor-Nothing Compares To You It's been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away I go out every night and sleep all day since you took your love away since you've been gone I can do whatever I want I can see whomever I choose I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant but nothing I said nothing can take away these blues, 'cause nothing compares nothing compares to you It's been so lonely without you here like a bird without a song nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling tell me baby where did I go wrong? I could put my arms round every boy I see but they'd only remind me of you I went to the doctor guess what he told me guess what he told me he said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do but he's a fool 'cause nothing compares nothing compares to you All the flowers that you planted momma in the backyard all died when you went away I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard but I'm willing to give it another try nothing compares Vader-Whisper Jaunting on maps of our bodies We wandering through vastness of inner and outer space Through and through Immersed in love of will. I am laying on my back And gazing at inky black sky Serpent shapes Moves of your hands The mind is burning Drowned in carnal desires Inflowing pictures Visions of dead world Fancy visions of dead world Gives me shiver when You caresses my body Emptiness beyond We are alone on this earth And all treasures of the world Belong to us The sacrilege of love And sacrificial love Weals are wandering on your skin You are wielding my sword This is the greatest gift We received from mother Earth So let's play this game Bodies surrounded by fire And envy of stars Stimulation of every part Of mind, body and soul Our never-ending ritual Will always go on Like war never ends Like fall always comes Like stars are shining On nightly sky Our love of will Will go on To eternal death Of the human world.
painkillers cooperated
Imaginary-Evanescence i linger in the doorway of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name let me stay where the wind will whisper to me where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story in my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby i lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me don't say i'm out of touch with this rampant chaos - your reality i know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge the nightmare i built my own world to escape in my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby i lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me swallowed up in the sound of my screaming cannot cease for the fear of silent nights oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming the goddess of imaginary light dreaming my dreams-the Crannberries All the things you said to me today Changed my perspective in every way These things count to mean so much to me Into my faith you and your baby It's out there 3x If you want me I'll be here It's out there 3x If you want me I'll be here I'll be dreaming my dreams with you And there's no other place That I'd lay down my face I'll be dreaming my dreams with you It's out there 3x If you want me I'll be here 2X I'll be dreaming my dreams with you And there's no other place That I'd lay down my face I'll be dreaming my dreams with you oceans-On Thorns I Lay In the magic mirror of my soul, I stare at the person that I love, It's the magical carpet on which, I travel on the erebus, In the land of fairy tales So I close my eyes again Feeling so lonely in the rain The mother of sunrise gives hope She can fly me over green fields And... The great oceans away from Days of hatred and despair... I saw immortal roses And a gold field with giant trees That shined immensely... I saw ancient walls and palaces everywhere... Amidst ancient gardens and magical trees... So I close my eyes again... Whit Bitterness and Joy-Sentenced It has now spread itself all over inside me all the way to the brain and down to my knees My time comes closer with each day it lets me see - with each night the pain keeps me from sleep Life has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time for goodbyes I will leave grieving and yet so relieved with bitterness and joy Pleasure and pain; Heaven and Hell - my memories What a long and strange trip this has been for me What a short and strange life this has been It has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time to take leave of this world I will leave with bitterness and joy What a long and strange trip this has been for me What a short and strange life this has been It has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time for goodbyes I will leave grieving and yet so relieved with bitterness and joy Life has given me much - maybe taken more but those good times were always worth waiting for When it's time to take leave of this world I will leave with bitterness and joy Nothing Else Matters-Metallica So close no matter how far couldn't be much more from the heart forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters never opened myself this way life is ours, we live it our way all these words I don't just say and nothing else matters yea, trust I seek and I find in you every day for us something new open mind for a different view and nothing else matters never cared for what they do never cared for what they know and I know so close no matter how far couldn't be much more from the heart forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters never cared for what they do never cared for what they know and I know never opened myself this way life is ours, we live it our way all these words I don't just say trust I seek and I find in you every day for us something new open mind for a different view and nothing else matters never cared for things they say never cared for games they play I never cared for what they do I never cared for what they know and I know yea, yea, yea so close no matter how far couldn't be much more from the heart forever trusting who we are no nothing else matters Skid Row-Slave To The Grind You got me forced to crack my lids in two I'm still stuck inside the rubber room I gotta punch the clock that leads the blind I'm just another gear in the assembly line-oh no The noose gets tighter around my throat But I ain't at the end of my rope CHORUS 'Cause I won't be the one left behind Can't be king of the world If you're slave to the grind Tear down the rat racial slime Can't be king of the world if you're slave to the grind. Get it? A routine injection, a lethal dose But my day in the sun ain't even close There's no need to waste your prayers on me You better mark my words 'cause I'm history. Yes indeed You might beg for mercy to get by But I'd rather tear this thorn from my side CHORUS They swallowed their daggers by turning their trick They tore my intentions apart brick by brick I'm sick of the jive You talk verbal insecticide CHORUS I said slave to the grind Slave to the grind Slave to the grind |
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