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Are you hungry for that lovin’ feeling? But why is true love so elusive? Why does it so often lead to heartbreak? Check out these heartbreak clues and see if any of these offer clues. Read on to see how to get better results in love.
Heartbreak clues:
1. You are miserable being single.
Wanting love is very different than being desperate for love. Are you loveable, that is, can someone else love you when you don’t even like yourself? If you are looking for someone to rescue you from yourself, you will need to become your own hero first.Loving and respecting yourself are very attractive features, and will attract a self-respecting partner. The converse is also, unfortunately, true.
2. No boundaries.
You have few, if any boundaries for your own or your partner’s behavior or status. Are you too accepting of bad or disrespectful treatment for fear he or she won’t want to bother with you any longer? Are you or is this partner not really available to commit to this relationship? Do you say yes when you wish you could say no?
If the person you are involved with is still married, or not fully divorced and healed, he or she is not really available to you. Open your eyes. If you don’t want to waste a lot of your life in a relationship that is really going nowhere healthy, set a boundary that you will not get involved with someone unless he or she is fully available, right now, and treats you respectfully, consistently over time. Ditto for you.
3. Lack direction.
You don’t know who you are or what is important to you or where your life is headed. What are your values? What values do you want to share with your life partner? What do you need to do, be and/or have in your future to be happy and satisfied? What impact do you want to have in the world or in someone’s life? What emotional, physical and perhaps spiritual qualities and circumstances are of utmost importance to you in a love relationship? Socrates said it best, “Know thyself”. You are uniquely you; Shine the light of self-knowledge on your requirements, needs, and wants, your life vision, dreams and goals. You want a partner who will support and help fulfill these for you.
4. Trust and commitment are missing in action.
Attraction is the first ten features you care about in a partner. Attraction and chemistry are important ingredients in a love relationship. But over time, they are likely to fade. The intensity of attraction and chemistry are boosted by the hormone, dopamine, which, like adrenaline, energizes and makes a new relationship feel exciting.
Over time, that is 2 months to 2 years, the effect of this dopamine will dissipate, and a feeling of “ho-hum” will set in, unless new ingredients, like trust and commitment, which are highly bonding dynamics, grow.
Like salt and pepper, trust and commitment and other bonding dynamics will enhance the flavor of the attraction between you. Otherwise, your relationship will begin to feel bland, or downright distasteful.
5. Sabotaged by the past.
You are still hurt from past relationships. The hurt you carry around from the past will taint, sabotage or damage other relationships, unless you are able to: 1) learn from and heal the hurts from the past, (there ARE processes to heal the heart) and 2) distinguish the past from the present. If you believe that the past will repeat itself, for example, with infidelity, (though of course, you hope it won’t) you might, unconsciously, set up the conditions so it will happen again. Remember that this partner is not the previous partner or other person in your life who hurt you before. Don’t blend your past and present experiences, like a ball of mixed up playdoh colors, into one mishmash of hurt.
6. Emotions run the show.
You have few useful relationship or communication skills. When you are angry, upset or hurt, you blow up, blame, threaten and/or take no responsibility for your part in the problem. If every upset or argument that you are involved in has the same pattern and upsetting outcome, in this and in previous/other relationships, notice who is the common factor here.
It may feel like it’s all the other person’s fault, all the time. You may even be sure it’s the other person’s fault, but take the hint and work with a relationship coach to learn how to resolve upsets so you both feel heard, validated and respected. Don’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result!
Destination: Lasting Love: Get started on the path.
Wanting a loving, secure relationship does not mean you are actually ready for one. To be truly ready and available for a lasting, healthy relationships hre are some essential ingredients:
* Feeling good about your yourself and your life
* Knowing who you are and what is important to you in a relationship,
* Having boundaries that, like mosquito repellant, repels unhealthy behaviors,
* Learning relationship skills that help rather than hurt, will transform heartbreak into happiness. Working with a life and love coach to step into the life you want. May you have much happiness in love!
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