***bullshits***

ponedjeljak, 10.07.2006.

.Svecenici" P: Koje je najbolje zanimanje na svijetu? O: Svećenik. Svakog dana gledaš svog šefa razapetog na križu!!! Dođe djevojka na ispovijed. - Jesi li zgriješila, kćeri? - upita ju svećenik. - Jesam oče. - A što to? - Ljubila sam se s dečkom. - Čekaj malo. Svećenik lista po molitveniku sa spiskom grijeha. - Izmoli za to 2 Očenaša kćeri. - Nije to sve... dala sam mu da me pipa. - Pipanje, pipanje... još 5 Očenaša. - Nije ni to sve, dirala sam mu ga. - Dirala ga, dirala ga... čekaj... još 10 Očenaša. - Nije ni to još sve... pušila sam mu ga. - Pušila, pušila... čekaj... Svećenik ne može naći ništa o tome, i pita kolegu s druge strane: - Fra Ante, koliko smo dali onoj našoj za pušenje? Fra Ante odgovara: - Pa 50 DM, k'o uvijek!!! - Sigurno je sigurno,- reče časna sestra i stavi kurton na krastavac! Okupi svećenik opatice u samostanu i mrtvački ozbiljnim glasom im priopći, da je pod oltarom pronašao kurton. - Grozno!!!, - uzviknu opatice. - Hi, hi.., - nasmije se jedna. Dalje svećenik izvijesti opatice kako je kurton bio pun sperme, i kako je nedvojbeno u samostanu bio nepoznati muškarac. - Grozno!!!, - uzviknu opatice. - Hi, hi..., - nasmije se jedna. Zatim svećenik pripomene kako je pronađeni kurton na jednom mjestu bio i probušen. - Grozno!!!, - uzviknu jedna. - Hi, hi..., - nasmiju se ostale. Časna majka se obraća opaticama u samostanu: - Imam jednu dobru, i jednu lošu vijest! Dobra vijest je - stigao je kamion pun mrkve! Loša vijest - mrkva je naribana! Došle trudnica i časna sestra kod doktora na pregled. Medicinska sestra slučajno je zamijenila nalaze, te je tako ispalo da je časna sestra trudna. Časna sestra sva isprepadana ode u crkvu moliti se Bogu: - O moj Bože, pa zar može i od svijeće? Ulazi pijanac u autobus i sjeda do fratra. Njegova košulja je izgužvana, po vratu mu je razmazan crveni ruž, i iz potrganog džepa mu viri poluprazna flaša konjaka. Čovjek polagano vadi novine i počinje ih čitati. Poslije nekoliko minuta okreće se prema fratru i upita ga: - Oče, da li možda znate što izaziva artritis? - Sine moj, artritis je posljedica neurednog života, provođenja vremena sa ženama lakog morala, previše alkohola, i nesuglasica sa prijateljima i obitelji. - odgovara fratar. - Da ne povjeruješ - promumlja pijanac, lagano se vraćajući svojim novinama. Osjećajući se pomalo krivim što je rekao, fratar se okrenu prema pijancu i reče: - Izvinite ako sam bio malo arogantan. Koliko dugo već imate artritis? - Nemam ga ja - odgovara pijanac, - ali baš sad čitam da Papa boluje od toga. Pita časna sestra župnika: - Mislite li oče, da li će dozvoliti jednog dana, da se ženimo i udajemo, pa makar međusobno, u našem staležu? - Ne vjerujem sestro. To naša djeca neće dočekati... Ni djeca naše djece.... Sudare se automobilima katolički svećenik i rabin. Izađoše iz auta neozlijeđeni, no auti su im bili totalno uništeni. Kaže rabin: - Vidite, imam ovdje bocu vina i ostala je neoštećena. To je Božji znak. Otvori rabin bocu i kaže: - Ajde popijte malo ovog vina da proslavimo što smo ostali neozlijeđeni. Uzme svećenik bocu i dobro potegne iz nje, pruži je rabinu i kaže: - Dobro je vino,.'ajde evo sad vama... A rabin uzme bocu i veli: - Hvala, ali ne mogu sad piti. Čekam policiju. P: Koja je razlika između Billa Clintona i Pape? O: Kada upoznaješ Papu moraš kleknuti na samo jedno koljeno. Šest ljudi voze se u avionu. Doktor, svećenik, advokat i troje djece. Odjednom avion poče gubiti visinu i motori otkazaše. Pilot im javi preko razglasa da će se avion srušiti i da za putnike ima samo tri padobrana. Svi usplahireni skočiše u jedan glas: - Spasite djecu! - povika doktor. - Ma, jebeš djecu! - viče advokat. - A je l' imamo vremena, - pita svećenik advokata. Svećenik prilazi osuđeniku na smrt, koji sjedi vezan na električnoj stolici. - Mogu li nešto učiniti za tebe sine? Imaš li posljednju želju? - Da. Da me držite me za ruku. Hodale dvije časne sestre mračnom ulicom, te iza ugla iskoče dva mladića, te napadnu časne i počnu ih silovati. Jedna časna počne govoriti: - Oprosti im Oče, jer ne znaju što čine! A druga će na to: - Daj umukni!! Ovaj zna!! P: Kako se zove za Papino govno? O: Sveta stolica. Ulazi redovnice kod glavarice samostana i kaže: - Zamislite časna majko, ja sam išla šumom, kad odjednom iza grma iskoči neki manijak i siluje me. Što sad da radim? - Ne brini kćeri, samo idi i pojedi tri limuna. - Zar će mi to pomoći? - Ne, ali će ti bar skinuti taj osmijeh s lica! P: Što zajedničkog imaju časna sestra i bezalkoholno pivo? O: Nikad to nisam probao, niti ikad hoću!! Sreli se pravoslavac i katolik na pravoslavni Božić. Pravoslavac: Hristos nam se rodi. Katolik: Naš sisa već dva tjedna. Nakon što je izabran na svoj položaj, Papa nazove mamu i kaže joj: - Mama, imam jednu dobru i jednu lošu vijest. Dobra je ta da sam postao Papa. - A loša? - Moram se preseliti u talijansku četvrt. Svećenik je završio dugačku nedjeljnu misu riječima: - Slijedećeg tjedna, glavna tema moje propovjedi biti će grijeh laganja. Da biste lakše shvatili moju propovijed, želim da svi do narednog tjedna pročitate iz Novog Zavjeta 17. glavu evanđelja po Mateju. Slijedećeg tjedna, na početku crkvene ceremonije: - Jeste li svi pročitali 17. glavu evanđelja po Mateju? - JESMO! - svi će uglas. - Odlično! Evanđelje po Mateju ima samo 16 glava. A sada, pomolimo se za naše grijehe. Nadbiskup se vozeći vraćao iz obilaska svojih župa, no putem ga policija zaustavi zbog prebrze vožnje. Policajac je namirisao alkohol u njegovom dahu, a i ugledao praznu bocu pokraj suvozačeva sjedala. Upita on nadbiskupa: - Gospodine, jeste li što danas pili? - Samo vodu. - odgovori mu nadbiskup. Policajac odgovori: - A zašto onda ja osjećam alkoholni zadah iz vaših usta? Nadbiskup podine glavu i ruke prema nebu i zavapi: - O Bože, opet si to učinio!!! Priča glavarica francuskog samostana kako je grozno bilo u ratu: - Prvo se naša (francuska) vojska povlačila, prođu oni ovuda, siluju sve nas osim sestre Marije. Onda naiđu bande, siluju sve nas osim sestre Marije. Onda prođu Nijemci, upadnu samostan, siluju sve nas osim sestre Marije. Pa onda kada su Nijemci bježali opet prođu ovuda i siluju sve nas osim sestre Marije. Pa onda naiđu Saveznici iz Normandije, siluju sve nas osim sestre Marije. Najzad naiđe i francuska vojska, prođe ovuda i siluju sve nas osim sestre Marije. - Pa dobro, a zašto su uvijek ostavljali na miru sestru Mariju? - Ona ne voli te stvari! Mala djevojčica je bila u crkvi s mamom, a bolio ju je trbuh. - Mama, možemo li ići sad? - Ne, - odgovori joj mama. - Ali mama, mislim da ću povratiti! - Onda idi van, i povrati tamo iza crkve, u grmlju. Vrati se djevojčica, brzo, nakon jedne minute. - Jesi li povraćala? - Jesam. - Kako si uspjela izaći van, povraćati i vratiti se unutra. - Ali mama, nisam morala ići van. Na putu do izlaza imaju kutiju na kojoj piše "ZA BOLESNE". Jednog dana svećenik je hodao ulicom, kad je ugledao malog dječačića kakao pokušava stisnuti zvono na kući s druge strane ulice. Pošto je dječačić malen, ne može dosegnuti zvono. Nakon što je određeno vrijeme promatrao kako dječačić pokušava dosegnuti zvono, pređe on ulicu, dođe do dječačića i dobrano stisne zvonce. Sagne se do razine djeteta, nasmiješi se i upita ga: - A što sad, moj mali čovječe? - Sad? Sad trčimo. - odgovori mu klinac. Na satu vjeronauka, djeca pažljivo slušaju, samo je jedna mala djevojčica sagnula glavu i nešto crtka po papiru. Vjeroučitelj dođe do nje i upita je što to radi? Crtam Boga. - Ali nitko ne zna kako bog izgleda. - zbunjeno joj odgovori vjeroučitelj. - Za par minuta će znati - nimalo ne zastajući u crtanju i ne dajući se zbuniti, klinka mu odgovori.

četvrtak, 06.07.2006.

ŽIVOT POSLIJE ŽIVOTA DAVID OAKFORD OPISUJE SVOJE ISKUSTVO.NAIME NAKON PREDOZIRANJA OAKFORD JE IZAŠAO IZ SVOG TIJELA TE UPOZNAO ANĐEA KOJI MU JE POKAZAO RAJ:In early summer of 1979, David Oakford was 20 years old and having problems dealing with his life situation. His childhood was not designed to enable him to properly deal with life in general. He had no self-esteem and everything he did to find peace within just did not work. He was pretty miserable then and felt lost and unloved. He turned to drugs and alcohol. He needed to find the peace within himself and he felt it calling him. It was at a party that David had an overdose of drugs and had a near-death experience. His near-death experience is one of the most profound you will ever read. I laid down to use the stability of the earth in an effort to maintain a hold on reality. I knew I had to do that in order to be able to come back down. The next thing I knew I was riding in my friend's car. I thought we went up north, crossed the Mackinaw Bridge and came back again. We rode past my childhood home and I saw my parents sitting on the porch. I felt drawn to the trees. I could see and feel their strength. I saw their roots going deep into the ground. I mean I actually saw the tree roots physically reaching below the ground. I told my friends about the car ride after the experience and they told me that the only place I went was to the chair they carried me to after I passed out on the porch. I did wake up in the chair my friends say they put me in a bit later. When I woke up I could feel the organs in my body working, each one separately as well as all together. I could not see my friends anywhere. I could see in all the rooms of the house at the same time. The stereo was playing the Doors "Absolutely Live" album, except the volume was way too loud for me. Since I did not see any of my friends around I got up and tried to turn the music down, but could not. No matter what I did the music kept playing. I knew the stereo too. I had a real problem with the noise. It was tearing at me and I could not figure out why nor could I adjust the volume. I called out to my friends and nobody came. I tried to unplug the stereo but that did not work either. Every time I tried to touch the cord to unplug it I could not grasp it. It just kept on playing "LA Woman" and the sound rattled my very being. I ran all over the house calling for my friends, yelling repeatedly that the music was too loud but I was not heard. I pleaded for the music to be turned down. I tried to go outside but I could not feel the doorknob. I could see the daylight outside but could not go outside. I ended up hiding in the bathroom in an unsuccessful attempt to escape the noise. I looked in the mirror and could not see myself. That frightened me greatly. I went back into the family room and saw my body sitting in the chair. It looked like I was sleeping. I wondered how I could be looking at myself. I got a bit scared then because I could see me from outside of me, from all different angles except from the inside angle I was used to seeing myself. I was alone. I was confused and very scared. I tried to get back into my body but could not. I could not touch the ground either. I was floating. I rose up into a spot above my body and kind of just hung there. I could no longer move. I called out for help and nobody came. I tried to go out the door but like the stereo I could not touch the doorknob. I was scared and alone and did not know what to do. I did not understand what was happening to me. I asked God to help me. I did believe in God then, but I was kind of angry at him because of the crappy life I was experiencing. I reasoned that if God were really the omnipotent and omniscient being I was taught he was he would not have let me experience the pain I had experienced throughout my life. I thought that if there was a time I needed God, it was now! I was not disappointed with the result of my plea for help. I looked over by the door to the outside and saw a beautiful being standing there. His feet did not touch the floor. His feet just blended into thin air. He looked both female and male and was young. I could not tell his/her sex. His hair was curly and he was about my height. He had this glow about him too. The glow was green close to him, then blue, then pure white in the upper areas. He said "I am here to help you" but when he spoke his mouth did not move. I did not actually hear him speak with my ears. I felt what he was saying. When I saw this being and he spoke to me, I was no longer afraid. I actually felt peace and comfort like I had never felt before. I felt the peace I was searching for throughout my entire life. The feeling was very familiar to me, like I had felt it before but not in this life. This wonderful being called me by a name I do not remember. I told him he must have the wrong guy and that the name he used for me was not my name. He laughed and said that I was a great "master" and that I had just forgotten who I was. I did not believe him, because I did not really know for sure what a "master" was then and if I were this great master I would not have had all the problems I had. I felt that I was an evil being because that is what I was told in my life several times by many. He told me his name, but I do not remember it. He told me that he had been with me always and told me that he knew that I had a very hard life and that he would help me understand why if I really wanted to. He told me that he would help me remember who I am. He said that he would understand if I did not believe him and offered to prove to me that he knew everything about me. He told me things that I did when I as a child that proved to me that he was always with me. He told me about things I had only thought about. He told me that I could go anywhere I wanted to go and that he would show me how to do it if I wanted him to. He said that if I needed to come back and see my body I could. My body would be fine because I was still connected to it somehow. When we spoke to each other we did so telepathically. The expression on his face was a happy one all the time. I told him that I would like to see the pyramids in Egypt as well as the southwest United States. He told me that all I had to do was trust him, think about where I wanted to go, and we would go. I thought about the pyramids and we were there in an instant. I do not know why I chose the pyramids, the thought just popped into me so I went with that. While we were there he told me some things about the pyramids and Egypt that I do not remember now. I really wish I could remember what he explained while we were there because I do know it was highly significant and had to do with humanity's future. When we finished in Egypt, we went to the southwest United States but flew there slowly so I could see sights along the way. I wanted to see this planet with the eyes I had then. I saw the countries of the Far East and the Pacific Ocean. Night was falling in the southwest US and I could see what the being told me was energy emanating from almost everything I could see, especially the plant and animal life. The energy was strongest in the areas of the land and sea that had the least amount of humans. The energy was the lowest in areas where there were man-made structures, the cities of the world. The energy I saw came from the human beings that lived in the cities. It was explained to me that humans are the basic producers of energy in cities because of their relatively low vibration level the energy is lower in general. I could see the higher sources of energy in the cities though. I was shown people who had higher energy levels and some of them actually talked to the being I was with. I saw dark souls during the time the being and I spent on Gaia. The dark souls were earthbound spirits who refuse to go to the light. They prey on the energies of humans still in human form and try to use those souls to prevent the evolution of spirit. I was told I was protected from these dark ones as long as I chose to focus on the love in me. The dark ones did not even try to affect us, in fact they gave us nasty looks and went away. I was told I would know these dark ones when I see them and I was told to tell them to go to the light. The light is a porthole to the place all souls go if they choose. I could see energy around the humans too, all different levels and colors. The being explained the human energy to me. He said that the energy coming from humans is what spirits use to evaluate the spiritual condition of particular humans. He said the lighter and more brilliant the color the more advanced the spirit is. He said that seeing the "aura" around a spirit is useful in determining how much a particular spirit needs to work on his development. He said the higher beings know where to go and what to do to help an earthbound soul so they may advance themselves if they so choose. He told me that all souls have this energy, this is why I could see it on every human I saw. He said that I was of the same energy type as he but my vibration is lower when I am in human form and that in time my energy would raise to match his intensity provided I chose to take the initiative to consciously evolve my soul. He told me that there is much to this planet that spirits can see which humans do not see with their eyes because their vibrations are so low. He showed me life in the trees that I could see as a spirit but could not see in my human form. He explained that beings of higher vibration do live on earth but they are not human, they are part of earth itself. He explained these beings were the caretakers of physical life on the planet. He said that these beings take care of what we call nature. There are beings that take care of the plant life, the mineral life and the waterborne life. These lower echelon beings work together to ensure that all aspects of nature is protected and remains healthy. When the planet was evolving, these ethereal beings were the ones that kept the balance of nature. He explained to me that the planet that we call earth really has a proper name. He told me the earth is really called "Gaia." He said Gaia has its own energy and that Gaia is really a true living being. I asked if this energy could be seen and he said that we have to be away from Gaia to appreciate and see it. He said humans are the ones who can manipulate Gaia's energy through their choices. He said if humans choose to live in harmony with the energy on Gaia, it is good for Gaia. He said if humans abuse Gaia, they hurt Gaia by altering its energy structure. I was given an example of how humans have deforested the planet and reduced the energy available faster than it could be replenished. He said Gaia was very strong but has been weakened considerably since humans have chosen to use the resources in a manner inconsistent with the laws of the universe. I asked him if we could go into space and see Gaia's energy and he said yes. He said there were no limits on where we could go. I concentrated my thought, trusted, and we then went into what is known as space. Away from this planet I could see Gaia all at once. It was so beautiful. I could see the aura around Gaia. The aura affected me greatly. I felt a deep love for this beautiful place. I could hear Gaia move and was told the sound was the energy flowing in and out of Gaia. My special being told me that Gaia is the most unique planet because it is designed for humans to live on forever. It was created for a spirit to play, learn, and grow. He said the balance of nature on Gaia allows a spirit to be in human form when a spirit lives in harmony with nature. Nature exists to compensate for the decreased vibration and was created for spirits to adapt enough to adjust and be in the physical human body while still having access to energy that will help them advance. He explained that humans were designed by God to live eternally on Gaia and are not supposed to "die." He said that "dying" is a human created earth term that means little in the world of spirit. The reason that humans supposedly die is that they have fallen away from the balance of nature and allow themselves to be affected by what they create that violate the natural laws of the universe. He said that humans have fallen away from living in balance with nature. He said they must relearn about the harmonic balance if they want to survive as a race and live on Gaia forever. He said it was still possible for humans to learn about this harmony and that it is the next overall goal of humans on Gaia. I was told that humans would eventually realize they must restore the harmony but great damage will be inflicted before humans will fully realize what they have been doing to Gaia and work to reverse what they have done.We traveled past all of the planets in our solar system. Near each planet I could hear the energy just like on Gaia. I saw the auras around each one of them too. I saw spirits on all of them as well. My friend told me that all planets are places for spirits to live, learn and thus evolve. I saw great cities on each and every one of those planets. It was explained that other life in the universe is not readily seen because the beings were all of higher vibration and most spirits in human form have yet to attain the higher vibration required to see them. The being told me that each planet has a theme for learning and that any of them can be chosen by a soul when we are between physical lives. He said we practice on the other planets to be ready to live on Gaia. He said Gaia is the ultimate experience for a soul. It is ultimate because our souls evolve faster here than anywhere else. It was said that the lessons we need to learn are difficult to learn without having a physical form. He explained how we pick a physical life on Gaia. He explained to me that I picked the parents I was born to so that I could learn what I needed to learn to grow enough to come back and do spirit work on Gaia after I attain a certain level of growth. He said that I was being told all of these things so that I could help souls come together and return Gaia to harmony. He explained some things to me about God that I do not remember. They had to do with the universe and the size and structure of it. I do remember he said that God is not to be seen for he is everywhere. He told me that God loves Gaia deeply, much as a man loves his wife. He talked about Jesus too. He told me Jesus was a master God sent to earth to teach humans how to act toward each other and find their way back to the path of harmony with each other as well as with Gaia. I was told that Jesus is the being that is entrusted by God to ensure that souls evolve. He said that Jesus is of the highest in vibration than any other soul. He said that God holds Jesus in the highest of favor because he was the best example of what humans need to do. I then got to see Jesus. I saw his light. Jesus' light was the purest I have ever seen. There was no need for words. There were only love feelings that I cannot even begin to describe. I was told that loving one another is what souls need to do in order for peace and harmony to be the standard on Gaia. I was told that there is a hierarchy in the universe that is dedicated to preserving the harmony of the universe. I was told that humans are an integral part of this harmony and that the free will we have is a part of souls that allows humans to provide service to the universe. After he explained those things to me I was able to see our whole solar system all at once in full color. The planets were all in a line and I could see all of them from Pluto to the sun. I felt very blessed and very important. I was given this great gift and I did not really understand why. There I floated, a being that went out his way to inflict pain on other souls, yet I was never asked about what I had done. In fact I was given the honor of being given answers to questions most people wonder about all of their lives. I thanked this loving being for explaining and showing me what he did. He told me that there was more for him to show me if I was ready to experience it. I told him I was ready. I did not know why I was chosen but I was not about to question why. It just seemed small to me then. We started to head back toward Gaia. We went to a place in the shadow of Gaia. It was a great city in the clouds. The city had these beautiful white buildings as far as I could see. I saw spirits living there all of which had vibration but no real physical body. These inhabitants went to and from the buildings - going to work and play too. I saw a place where spirits went to get what I thought was water. There were no vehicles there. Spirits seemed to get around the same way my being and I got around, by flying. The city had no boundaries that I could see. This was a place full of life of all kinds. There was nature there, many pure plants, trees, and water just like on Gaia but more pure. Nature there was absolutely perfect. It was untainted by human manipulation. This place was just like Gaia only without the problems and negativity. I felt that this was what is called heaven in earth terms. I saw spirits going to and from the Gaia and the city. I could tell the development of the spirits going to and from by the energy they emanated. I could see that animals came to and from earth just like humans do. I could see many spirits leave Gaia with guides and could see spirits returning to Gaia without guides. The being told me that some of the spirits passing were the ones that were doing the work with humans on Gaia. I could make out the type of spirits that were doing the work and the spirits that were coming to the great city to become replenished to eventually go back to Gaia to experience and further evolve. I could feel the emotions of the ones coming back for replenishment. I could feel that some of them were sad, beaten and scared, much like I felt before my being came to me. My being took me into one of the larger buildings. Inside I saw many spirits working. They were doing things similar to jobs on earth. When we walked by the spirits, they looked at me. I think they were checking me out because of the being I was with. We went upstairs and I saw spirits that knew me. They greeted me and asked me how I was doing. They gave me advice of which I do not remember. I thought I was going to be given a job there, but the being knew I thought that and told me that there was something I needed to do first. I was ecstatic. I was in heaven despite everything I had done during my life on Gaia. I was experiencing what most people only dream about. The love I felt there was the same love I felt when I saw Jesus. I had been searching on Gaia for what was really the same place I was in then. I was searching on Gaia for the feeling I was feeling that very moment. I had found what I spent my whole life searching for. I was truly happy. I was home and I knew it. I was ready to stay and do whatever work I was given to do. My being took me to another building that was special. It was bigger than the rest and had the greenest foliage I had ever seen growing on it, decorating it like a shrine. We went inside a set of double doors that glowed with life. The inside was decorated with a wood paneling that the being told me was "living" wood from the trees that grew at this wonderful place. He led me to some big double doors and told me to wait on this bench while he went inside. A bit later he came out of the room. He told me to go into the room and said he would wait for me and to not worry. He cautioned me to ensure that I was truthful with the beings in the room. He said they were not judges, rather they were the ones who evaluated a soul's development based on a soul's history. He told me to remember who I was and to refrain from fear. I knew I had to leave this being sooner or later but I was glad that he would wait for me. I was a little scared to leave him, but I felt that I was protected and knew that I would be protected here. His Life Review:I went in and saw a group of several spirits seated at a table. The table was made of the glowing wood and was perfect in every way. The spirits around this table had the highest vibration I had seen so far with the exception of Jesus. I looked at these beings and recognized them. I do not know where I recognized them from, but they all had a familiarity about them. They just looked at me. All of a sudden, I saw my parents on earth before I was born. I saw how they came to be together and watched them have my brother and sister before me. I saw their positive and negative sides and evaluated them according to what I knew I needed to do on Gaia. The beings asked me how and why I picked these particular parents and asked me to tell them. They said I knew how and why I picked them and asked me to tell them why. I do not know where it came from but I did tell them how and why and they agreed with me. I picked them to help them on their path as well as to achieve my learning. I saw my soul go to my mother and go inside of her. I saw myself being born from an observer standpoint as well as having the actual experience. I proceeded to see my entire life from the observer point of view and from the points of view of those my actions affected. I felt the feelings they felt that directly resulted from things I had done to them. I saw both the positive and the negative things I had done as they had truly happened, nothing was left out or presented inaccurately. I experienced the harshness of being born again. I experienced leaving heaven and the transit to Gaia. I saw myself as a helpless infant who needed his mother for everything. I experienced my father's love as well as his anger. I experienced my mothers love, her fear and her anger as well. I saw all of the good and bad from my childhood years and re-experienced what I had done then. I felt all of my emotions and the emotions of the souls I had hurt as well as loved. From all of this I learned that it matters deeply what choices I make on Gaia. I learned just how powerful we humans are and how we can affect each other in positive and negative ways. It was amazing to see how my innocent actions had such a powerful effect on souls that I had no idea I was affecting. The experience was one that I will never forget. I experienced the whole spectrum of feelings of my life in a relatively short period of time as we humans see it. Where I was, time did not really exist. I could see how I became what I had become on Gaia and why I became that way. Everything I did in my life affected the evolution of the souls around me. I saw the reasons for all of my actions and understood why I did what I had done. There was a place for all of my positive and negative actions. There was no action that was necessarily wrong, but there were actions I took that did not enhance positive growth. I was both a victim and a beneficiary of my actions. This was not a fun experience to go through. I could see how wonderful it could be if one chose to act to affect other souls positively most of the time. Afterward, the beings in the room asked me questions about what I saw and how I felt about my life up to then. I knew that I had to provide an honest assessment - I could not lie. I hesitated when they asked me whether I affected others more positively than negatively. I thought about lying. These beings knew what I was thinking and I had to tell them that I felt that I could have done a better job on Gaia. I knew what I had come to Gaia to accomplish and was well on my way to doing that but I knew I was not finished yet. They agreed and told me that I still had many things to do and that I may want to go back and do them. I was told it was understood how difficult it would be for me but it was necessary for the universe for me to finish. They said that it may be wise to go back and live my life how I had originally planned it. They said I had set lofty goals for my life on Gaia and the events in my life were achieving the goals I had set. They said that I originally came to Gaia to learn and share with others using the gifts that I have accumulated over several lifetimes. They said that I am needed on Gaia to help souls bring themselves and Gaia back to harmony. They said that I have great potential to affect other souls, to help them grow and that Gaia is the best place to do that. I was told that the events I had experienced thus far were preparing me to make a large contribution to the universe and that my experiences were not to be considered personal attacks in any way. I did not want to accept that, I wanted to stay, I told them that. I told them I was tired and wanted to stay because life on Gaia is hard and unforgiving. I felt that going back would be dangerous for the universe because I was not advanced enough in my spiritual evolution. They said that was precisely why it would be in my best interest to go back to Gaia. They said I was more advanced than I give myself credit for. They said that it was possible for me to stay but I would need to finish my work on Gaia sooner or later. The type of work I was destined for can only be done on Gaia. I could stay if chose to but I would only be prolonging the completion of what I needed to do for this universe. They explained the fastest way to finish my work would be to go back to Gaia as soon as possible. I was stunned to say the least. I resorted to bargaining but it was no use. I still did not like living on Gaia and did not really want to go back. These beings understood me but remained firm. I had a decision to make that was really the hardest decision I would ever make. I did come back to Gaia and am now living the life that I was (later in the experience) told I would live. Believe it or not, I ended up shelving this experience away, classifying it as a really vivid "trip." It was not until I evolved more that I realized the gift I was given. I share this experience now because I feel it can, if so chosen, spur thought and foster choices that affect the planet in a positive way. If I learned anything from this experience it was that every choice I make is duly recorded, noted and will return later, when I leave here again. My goal is to save people the pain that I felt in my review and hasten the evolution of humans on Gaia, helping Gaia as well as the universe. Again, I wish you all of the love I feel in my heart and I give this love to you. (David Oakford now talks of his return to Earth) I am one who had a near-death experience and was given a choice to return to this planet in a physical sense again. I chose to return out of love for this planet, a love so great that I would give up the slot I have "back home." I did this also in order to help to heal the place through the sharing of what I was shown of the in-between and through the choices I make, (hopefully loving and kind ones). Without the free will to return I would not be here in the physical doing what I am doing. The physical pain, war, poverty, pestilence, horror, rape, murder, abandonment etc, etc, etc. that is here on this planet is the result of humans coming here and making their free choices in order to learn and evolve. Unfortunately learning does tend to create a mess at times and the physical pain etc. ect. is a part of that mess. It makes sense to me that the same free choice concept is instrumental in cleaning up the mess. I liken it to camping and choosing to clean up or not clean up the mess one makes. If you choose to clean up your mess, this helps the planet to stay as is because one does not contribute to the mess. If one does not clean up it adds to the mess. If one cleans up their own mess and then some it contributes to healing the planet. In my near-death experience I was also shown that there are many souls in "heaven" who are more than willing to come to this place regardless of the state it is in. I was shown that if I did not choose to return I would be in the schools that exist in heaven, working toward the growth I need to accomplish regardless of the form I am in. That was an attractive choice to be sure except that I had a problem with how long it would take me to grow enough to do what my soul wishes to do. (I have a burning desire to experience other places in other universes and to do that I need to grow more.) The prerequisite for that is ensuring that my soul has the IQ for it. It is my understanding that a soul can choose to remain in heaven and operate on the level he/she (whatever) is on to infinity, but I seek more because I know without doubt that there is more. At any rate, the idea remains that for this place to start feeling and looking like heaven is to create the love felt there here. I would like to see that on this planet and I know it can be done. If I need to, I will come back here all over again to make it happen.

utorak, 04.07.2006.

Gibonni-UNCA FIBRE I kad pomislite da ste postali 'robot' ovog vremena prepušten svakodnevnoj ludnici ovoga svijeta, pojavi se 'novi' Gibonni, koji vas svojim stihovima dirne toliko duboko, da ponovo osjetite da ste još uvijek čovjek - isti onaj koji zna kako iz srca voljeti i mrziti, isti onaj koji zna kako je to kad duša boli - savršen čovjek. Tako bi se najjednostavnije mogao opisati album "Unca Fibre". Iako ponekad malo previše dotjeran, novi album Gibonnija još je jedno maestralno ostvarenje satkano od jednostavnih riječi - koje samo u Zlatanovim rečenicama dobiju pravo značenje, i od pažljivo urađenih kompozcija uz koje bi se i anđeli i vrazi odmarali.Uslijed pretencioznih naklapanja, koja uvijek idu prije svakog velikog izdanja poput ovoga, kojeg, iako još pjesme nisu niti dobile svoje završnu riječ, hvale na sva usta, prvo što mu tražiš su nedostaci. I što dobiješ s tim? U ovom slučaju apsolutno ništa, jer teško je da će izvođač Gibonnijevog kalibra negdje promašiti, a i oni koji nađu nešto za upirati prstom, brzo će se umoriti od 'teških riječi'. "Kad sam nasamo s njom", "Sebi dovoljna", "Vrime da se pomirim sa svitom", "Tija bi te zaboravit", "Oslobodi me (ako znaš o čemu govorim)", "Šta će meni moja dica reć" ili "Anđeo u tebi" na nevjerojatno lagan i suptilan način obradit će sve pore vašeg života. "Unca Fibre" ima samo jednu malu manu - fali mu 'sirovosti' u nekim djelovima, čime bi cjelokupni album više dobio na opuštenosti i ležernosti, ali kad sve sagledate s distance "Unca Fibre" je album koji će svakome sjesti na dušu barem s jednom pjesmom počevši sa "Sebi dovoljna" ili "Kad sam nasamo s njom". "Judi, zviri i beštimje" i "Mirakul" od Gibonnija su stvorile prvog maestra hrvatske glazbene scene, a sami albumi postavili su nove standardne u nas - što glazbene što komercijalne - i samim time ovom albumu stavili veliko breme još davno prije izlaska, a njegovog autora natjerali da ponovo izvuče najbolje iz našeg života. Ovim albumom Gibonni je dokazao da je on jedan od rijetkih u nas koji se zna uspeti na vrh i ostati gore ploveći sigurno s 'Vodičem za brodolomce i anđele čuvare'.

GUSTAFI NA SPLITSKOM FESTIVALU Gustafi prvi put natupaju na Festivalu zabavne glazbe u Splitu, u četvrtak, 06. srpnja, s pjesmom "Šesnajst noći". Svima koji su mislili da će ovogodišnji Festival zabavne glazbe Split '06 biti samo još jedna u nizu manifestacija toga tipa, poručujemo da ni malo nisu u pravu. Ove godine, po prvi put, na Festivalu zabavne glazbe u Splitu nastupaju upravo oni-band čiji su rad, svirka i nastupi sinonim za pojam "štala" kao oličenje dobre pa čak i ludo dobre zabave. Dakle, Gustafi po prvi put na Splitskom festivalu. Pjesma koju će izvesti u sklopu večeri Prokurative na drugi način zove se "Šesnajst noći". Edi, frontman Gustafa koji je ujedno i autor glazbe i teksta za "Šesnajst noći", kaže kako je i ovu, kao i sve pjesme radio tako da bi ju oni koji ju budu slušali (i pjevali) mogli doživjeti. A mi smo sigurni da će ju publika doživjeti i da će zaživjeti u eteru. Gustafi su na sceni četvrt stoljeća. U 25 godina postojanja nastupali su samo jednom na Arena festu, te nekoliko puta na MIK-u. Izbjegavamo festivale, kaže Edi. A mi moramo reći da im to izbjegavanje jako dobro ide. Dok njihovi brojni kolege, učestalo pohode festivale kako bi na taj način što bolje "lansirali" pjesmu do slušatelja i glazbenih urednika, Gustafi su redovito i uspješno izbjegavali festivale. Ali, evo ih ove godine na Splitu, po prvi put. Što je uzrok tome pitaju se mnogi? Pa da rješimo tu enigmu, najbolje je da nam tata Gustafa to pojasni. Edi Maružin: "...izbjegavamo festivale dok ne osjetimo neku pozitivu i poriv da se tamo nađemo. Od ovog festivala ne očekujemo ništa nego dobar provod i pozitivno ozračje." Već samim pojavljivanjem njihovog imena na popisu izvođača koji nastupaju na Splitu '06 dogodilo se stvaranje ozračja punog pozitive kao preduvjeta za dobar provod. Sigurni smo da će se Gustafi dobro provesti u Splitu, a s njima i svi sudionici, te publika na Prokurativama kao i ona pred malim ekranima. Ipak su oni oličenje "štale". Budući da će se polovicom srpnja u prodaji naći njihov novi album "FF", mnogi su pomislili da su Gustafi tempirali nastup na Splitskom festivalu kako bi najavili izlazak svog "FF" albuma. Isto tako mnogi su pomislili da je "Šesnaest noći" najavni singl za album. Međutim, kad su Gustafi u pitanju, sve to ide nekako drugačije. Kako smo već naveli, oni ne idu na festival da bi lansirali singl, već da bi se zabavili. I da bi zabavili sve oko sebe. A što se singla tiče, Edi kaže da ima i tipičnijih pjesama koje bi trebale najaviti album. Koja će to biti, još su u nedoumici jer ima nekoliko kandidata. Stoga će o tome odlučiti zajedno band, izdavač, prijatelji, glazbeni kritičari i probrana publika na nekom Gustafovskom skupnom preslušavanju.

Vicevi – Mujo i Suljo (Huso i Haso) Otišao Suljo u Zagreb na rad. Nakon 3 mjeseca, odluči da se javi jaranu u Bosni. Suljo: "Bog, Fato. Daj mi Muju!" Fata: "Mujo bolan ustani! Traži te dragi Allah!!!!" Pošao Haso kod Muje i vidi mu djecu golu do pasa. Ulazi u kucu i vice: - "Jesi li ti normalan, na ovakvu zimu ti izbacio djecu ispred kuće, a goli do pasa." Na to će mu Mujo: - "Ma našao sam ovamo neki sirup protiv prehlade, pa da se ne baca." Spremaju se Mujo i Haso na putovanje na Bahame. Prije nego će krenuti, Mujo se kod vodiča raspita za žene. Vodič kaže da se trebaju pripaziti jer tamo polovina žena ima tuberkulozu, a polovina sidu. Kad se vratio, upita ga Haso: - "Što je vodič rekao?" - "Da jebemo samo one koje kašlju!!!" "Mujo, sta ti rece Fata kad si sinoc doso onako nakresan kuci?", pita Haso zabrinuto. - "Nista, samo je vrtjela glavom." - "Cijom, svojom ili tvojom", pita Haso? "Mujo, je li ti zaručnica nevina?" - "Pa šta ja znam. Pola sela kaže da je, a pola da nije." Otišli Mujo i Haso u ribolov. Ponestalo im tema za razgovor, pa će Mujo Hasi: - "Haso šta ti misliš, šta naše žene rade dok nas nema?" - "Ili heklaju, ili koriste priliku što nas nema." Mujo se naglo digne i počne se spremati. Haso ga u čudu upita: - "Pa, gdje ćeš ti?" - "Odoh kući, moja žena ne zna heklati!" Ulazi Mujo u kafić i zatekne Hasu kako tužan sjedi za šankom i pije. Priđe mu i upita ga: - "Haso šta ti je?" - "Ma ništa. U junu mi je umrla majka i ostavila mi 10.000 maraka." - "Uuu, umrla ti majka, nisam znao,moja sućut." - "Zatim mi je u julu umro otac i ostavio mi 15.000 meraka." - "I otac ti umro? Žao mi je..." - "Onda mi u augustu umrla tetka i ostavila mi 20.000 maraka." - "Tri člana obitelji za tri mjeseca? Mora da ti je teško." - "Kako ne bi bilo? Ovog mjeseca ništa, ni marke." Sjedi Mujo na kamenu, prolazi Haso i pita ga: - "Šta je Mujo, sjediš i razmišljaš?" Na to će Mujo: - "Ma ne, samo sjedim." Napiše Mujo na zidu preduzeća u kojem je radio: - "DIREKTOR JE LUD." Odmah ga uhapsi policija i odvede ga na sud. Sud donese presudu: 1 godina, 1 mjesec i 1 dan. Obrazloženje: - 1 dan zbog napuštanja radnog mjesta - 1 mjesec zbog upropaštavanja društvene imovine: četke, farbe, kante itd. - 1 godina zbog otkrivanja privredne tajne. -1- Tražio Huso žvaku od Muje: Huso: "Daj mi žvaku Mujo!" Mujo: "Ma ne dam!!" Huso: "Mujo daj mi jednu žvaku!" Huso: "Halloooo ne daaam!!" Mujo: "Ma daj neću ti je pojesti!" Jeste li čuli, Mujo magistriro?! - Pokupio ga šleper na magistrali Otišao Mujo kod najskupljeg doktora u gradu i ustanovi se da je jako bolestan i liječenje košta1000KM. Mujo: - "Ali doktore, pošto sam ja jako bolestan može li jeftinije?" Dr: - "Neka bude 800KM." Mujo: - "Ali doktore, ja imam troje djece." Dr: - "Neka bude 600KM." Mujo: - "Ali sa nama živi jedna starica..." Dr: - "Neka bude 400KM." Mujo: - "Ali ja radim samo tri dana u sedmici." Dr: - "Neka bude 300KM ali ni makac više. Mujo zašto si baš došao kod mene kad znaš da sam ja najskuplji doktor?" Mujo: - "Znate doktore, kad sam ja bolestan ne škrtarim mnogo." Pili Mujo i Haso rakiju to im je dojadilo jer su navikli i nisu se mogli napiti. Probali su sva pića ali od napijanja ništa. Tako se oni odluče za benzin. Ujutru Muju budi telefonom Haso. Javi se on: "Halo." HASO: "Nemoj slučajno prnut, zovem te iz Japana." Pozvali Mujo i Fata, Hasu na ručak. Nakon izvjesnog vremena kad se ručak završio ustane Fata da pospremi sto i da opere sudove. Skoči Haso pa reče: - "Idem ja da pomognem Fati da opere sudove, jer je se stvarno trudila da spremi dobar ručak." U toku pranja sudova uhvati Fata Hasu za kurac a Haso se trže pa reče: - "Šta ti je Fato, šta to radiš? Jesi li luda?" Kad će ti Fata: - "Ćuti Huso, nemoj da čuje Mujo, jer počela sam da zaradjujem za dzeparac. Nemoj da Mujo sazna, već dodji sutra kad ode Mujo na poso i ponesi 200 maraka i vidjećes da vrijedim tih para." Dodje sutradan Haso kod Fate i odu oni u sobu da obave posao, kad će ti Haso: - "Bogami Fato stvarno vrijediš 200 maraka." Ode Haso kući a uveće dodje Mujo sa posla i pita Fatu: - "Je li bio Haso danas kod tebe?" Uplaši se Fata pa pomisli da je Mujo sazno sve, pa će ti ona uplašeno: - "Jeste." - "A je li donio 200 maraka?" Kad Fati pade mrak na oči pa pomisli gotovo je, Mujo zna sve. Pa će njemu uplaseno: - "Jeste!" Mujo uzdahnu pa rece: - "Dobro je, pošten je čovek." Fati sad čudno pa upita Muju: - "Što?" Kad će ti Mujo: - "Ma bio jutros kod mene na poslu, pa je od mene pozajmio 200 maraka, pa reće da će odmah danas naići pored nase kuće i vratiti tebi pare." Vraća se Mujo od doktora i stalno nesto spominje riba, žaba, kornjača, te se udari po čelu i vrati nazad kod doktora i pita ga: - "Jel doktore šta ja ono imam?" Doktor: - "RAK jebo ga ti." Kupio Mujo papagaja i stavio ga u kavez na terasu.. Eto ti Hase ide jedno jutro na poso prolazi kraj Mujine terase, kad će ti papagaj: - "Haso, Haso!! Jebem ti Mater!" I tako već 3 jutra papagaj psuje Hasi mater... Dojadilo Hasi više sve, nazove Muju i kaže mu da mu njegov papagaj psuje mater! I tako Mujo zaprjeti papagaju da ne psuje vise. Eto ti Hase, ide opet na poso, prolazi kraj papagaja kad kaže njemu papagaj: - "Haso..haso?" Haso: - "STA JE!??...." Papagaj: - "ZNAS TI DOBRO STA JE!!" -2- "Mujo koliko je sati, brzo reci." - "Ma neću Suljo, ako ti kažem naljutićeš se." - "Ma neću, samo reci." - "Ljutićeš se ne mogu ti reći." - "Ma reci ba, žurim!" - "OK, OK. Nemam sat..." Otišo Haso u Njemačku javnu kuću i ponio 25dm. Ode na prvi sprat, pita gazdu koliko je sat vremena a gazda mu reće 100dm. Pita Hase ima li išta jeftinije a on mu odgovori: - "Idi sprat više, ima gore." Ode on sprat više, a gore cijena stvarno jeftinija, 50dm. Haso produži još jedan sprat gore. Otvori vrata kad ono leži jedna plavuša. Pita je Haso koliko je a ona će 25dm. A Haso će njoj: - "A sto si ti tako jeftina?" A ona odgovori: - "Ja sam triperašica..." A Haso će na to: - "Ne gledam ja na vjeru i naciju." Oženio se Mujin sin kršnom Hercegovkom. Svatovi otišli, a mladenci se povukli u svoju sobu. Mujo prislonio uho na vrata, hoće da čuje ono što se iz kreveta čuje prve bračne noći. I začuje Mujo neko guranje, duboko disanje, a nešto se kao i razbilo. Odjednom, javlja se sin: - "Babo, pomagaj!" Mujo misli - sramota će biti ako uđem pa se pročuje da sam mu pomagao u onim stvarima - pa ne ulazi. Opet se čuje, sad glasnije: - "Babo, deder pomagaj!" Mujo se opet pravi blesav, kad će sin i treći put: - "Babo, ako za Alaha znaš, dolazi vamo i pomagaj." Mujo uletje u sobu vičući: - "Sram te bilo, ne možeš ni one stvari bez mene da radiš!" - "Ma mogo bi ja, babo, al treba mi pomoć da je oborim!" Mujo čuvao stado ovaca na livati, pa ponio i novine da čita. Sjeo na panj i čitao, čitao, ali mu se pridrijemalo, pa počeo da klima glavom gore dole. Ovan predvodnik pomislio da ga to čobanin zove na dvoboj, zaleti se i tresne Muju posred čela. Kad je kasnije došao sebi, Mujo viknu: - "Ko mi ubi ovna, da mu majku..." Udala se Fata u siromašnu porodicu i kako je htjela da se pokaže kao dobra, riješi da malo dovede kuću u red i upita svekra: - "Jel imate pajalicu, hoću da obrišem prašinu." - "Nemamo, snaho!" Ona ne bi lijena, odsječe svekru kosu, napravi od nje pajalicu i obrisa prašinu. Malo zatim zatreba joj četka da oriba pod, ali pošto svekar reče da nemaju ni četku, ona mu, mrtva-hladna, odsječe bradu, napravi četku i oriba pod. Kasnije kad se mladi Mujica vraćao s posla kući, ugleda oca na drvetu, pa mu doviknu: - "Oče, zar si poludio? Što si se popeo na to drvo?" - "Ne pitaj me ništa, sine, eno naša snaha pravi kolače, pa se plašim da joj ne zafale jaja." Spavali Mujo i Fata, a u kući su imali stari zidni sat. Jedne noći Mujo se probudi jer je sat prestao da otkucava. On viknu: - "Proklet bio, opet stojiš!" To začu Fata pa će: - "Pa ne viči, već se primakni." Šetali Mujo i mali Haso Ferhadijom, kad ugledaše dva psa kako se jebu. - "Tata, tata šta rade ova dva psa?" - "Eh, vidiš sine, onom gore je jako loše, pa ga ovaj ispod nosi kući", objašnjava Mujo. - "Uh, jebem ti život, čim nekom pomažeš on ti ga zabije u guzicu." Otišao Mujo na bazen i brzo se vratio. Pita njega Haso: - "Što si se bolan Mujo vratio tako rano, jel ti već dosta?" - "Ma nije bolan Haso, otjerali me s bazena", odgovara Mujo. - "Pa zašto pobogu Mujo?" - "Pa eto, popišo se ja u bazen." "Pa šta onda, i ja uđem u bazen i popišam se." - "Jeste, ali ja sam pišo s odskočne daske!" -3- Mujo: - "Jesi li ti Haso kad jebo pedera?" Haso: - "Jok ba, al' sam jebo jednog što je jebo pedera." Pošao Mujo u lov na medvjede, kad u neko doba upadne u jarugu, puška mu ostane u ruksaku, a on šta će jadan potrči, potrči a medvjed dva koraka iza njega. U tom naleti na neku bukvu uspentra se na njen vrh, a dole medvjed prihvatio šapama bukvu i trese li trese. Mujo sav isprepadan počne kukati: - "Kuku majko poješće me medvjed, kuku majko!" U tom bukva progovara: - "Neboj se sine Mujo, to se samo tata šali..." Sjeda Mujo na biciklo a Fata za njim viće: - "Mujo, Mujoooo kuda ćeš?" Mujo: - "Odoh do mezara." Fata: - "Dobro Mujo, ali ko će vratiti biciklo." Sjede Mujo i Fata i gledaju svoga sina Hasu na tuti. Pita Mujo Fatu: - "Ovaj naš sin će biti fudbaler, dobar je." Na to će Fata: - "Kako bolan Mujo fudbaler on će biti političar." Mujo iznenadjen: - "Kako političar jesi li ti normalna?" Fata: - "Ama Mujo tako će biti. Gledaj ga samo sere i u oči me gleda." Huso je za rođendan dobio digitalni sat. Čim ga je stavio na ruku, zapitaše ga gosti: - "Hajde slavljeniče, da čujemo koliko je sati!" - "Ne bih znao reći..." - "Kako ne bi?" - "Pa tako! Hajde vi otprve podjelite 18 sa 29!?!" Jave Muji da mu se porodila Fata i da je rodila sina. Mujo sav sretan stiže do porodilišta ali mu ne bješe nista jasno kada pored Fate ugleda malo tamnoputo dijete. - "Sta je to Fato?" - "Eto vidiš ono tvoje, uvijek sam ti govorila da ne gasiš svjetlo." Penju se Mujo i Haso uz planinu, i sada pošto je Mujo išao prvi pogleda on dole pa kaze on Hasi: - "Puno mi nesto gledaš u guzicu Haso, sve mi se ćini da bi ti mene jebo." Haso će ti na to: - "Hajde bolan ne budi budala, šta ti je." Nakon izvjesnog vremena opet će ti Mujo: - "Bogami Haso opet ti meni gledaš u guzicu." Nato će ti već razljučeni Haso: - "Pa sve i da bi te htio jebat kako ću kad imaš rusak na ledjima." Odgovara Mujo: - "Ne sikiraj se ti za rusak, mogu ja njega skinuti..." Došao Mujo kod doktora i poćeo ga ubjedjivati kako je trudan. Doktor ga pogleda čudno i upita - "A na osnovu ćega znate da ste trudni?" - "Pa doktore na osnovu simptoma." - "Kojih simptoma Mujo?" - "Pa, grčenje u stomaku, malaksavost i povraća mi se doktore." - "Znaš li ti Mujo da nemas maternicu?" - "E moj doktore, ja se upravo bojim vanmaterične trudnoće." Pije Mujo pivo za šankom u pivnici poslije radnog vremena kad uleče Suljo i pita ga: - "Jeli bolan Mujo, ima li kod nas ovdje pingvina?" Ovaj mu odgovara. - "Jesi li ti lud, nema." - "Uh, bolan Mujo, onda sam malo prije zgazio časnu sestru!!!" Otisao Mujo u Njemacku i Fata ne mogavsi cekati da se on vrati odluci da ode do Muje. Izadju oni tako i setaju ulicom i tako dodjose ispred jedne prodavnice bundi. Zastade Fata pogleda u izlog pa ce Muji: - "Hajde bolan Mujo kupi mi ovu bundu, da i ja bar jednom u zivotu budem gospodja." - "Bjezi bona sta ti to sada pade na pamet. Vidis li kako si se udebljala bila bi u toj bundi kao kombajn." Fata se naljuti ali ne rece nista. Vrate se oni kuci i legnu spavati. Mujo se primace Fati nadajuci se dobroj jebacini ali ga Fata odgurnu i rece mu. - "Lezi i spavaj, vali ti ja nocas ne palila kombajn radi te tvoje slamke." -4- Nosili Mujo i Suljo klavir na 15 sprat nebodera, stepenicama. Došli ti oni do 14 sprata a Suljo reće Muji: - "Imam ti jednu lošu vijest a i jednu dobru vijest." Mujo mu reće: - "De prvo dobru pa onda lošu." - "Dobra je, došli smo do 14 sprata, a loša je pogriješili smo soliter." Kupio Haso Mercedes i pozvao Muju da se malo provozaju. Prije semafora auto počne kočiti. Pita Mujo: - "Šta je to Haso?" Haso mu odgovori: - "ABS." Nakon nekog vremena kupio Mujo "fiću" i pozvao Hasu da se provozaju. Prije semafora Mujo počne kočiti i jedva stane. Pita ga Haso: - "Šta je to Mujo?" Mujo mu odgovori:- "ASS." Pita ga Haso: - "A šta je to?" Mujo mu kaže: - "Ako stane stane." Probudi Muju iz dubokog sna zvono na vratima. Onako mamuran, nikakav, bunovan pita: - "Ko je?" - "Ja sam!", reće osoba. - "J A ! ! !", Mujo ce iznenadjeno: - "NEMOGUĆE!!!" Pito Haso Muju: - "Bolan Mujo, što tvoje djete spava gore na regalu?" A Mujo odgovara: - "Ma svake mi noći djete ispada iz kreveta... a ja ga ne ćujem kad padne..." Otišo Mujo doktoru i kaže: - "Doktore imam strašan problem, u zadnje vrijeme me niko ne shvata ozbiljno!" Kaže doktor: - "Ma daj..." Došli Mujo i Haso u AMERICI u hotel u kojem su bili muslimani. Mujo pita Hasu kako se kaže na Englenskom: "Daj mi pivo". Haso kaže: - "TENK BEER." Kad svi iz sale uglas: - "ALAH UEKBER." Sjede Mujo i Suljo u kafani pa će Suljo Muji: - "Mujo daj mi jednu cigaru da iznenadim pluća." - "Evo ti kurac pa iznenadi šupak!" Došli Mujo i Haso gladni u Minchen i ne razumiju ništa Njemačkog, a nemaju ništa para! Kad vide jednu kafanu gdje se priča bosanski! Kaže Mujo: - "E ovde ćemo uć i jesti. Ovo je naša kafana!!" Udju oni i sjednu za jedan sto! Kad vide prekoputa 2 četnika sa bradama do koljena! Na stolu kod njih pećenje i piće!! Dodje jedan konobar za stol od četnika i kaže: - "Molim vas da naplatim." Kaže jedan četnik: - "Vidiš nam brade. Mi smo četnici, ako hoćeš da naplatiš, ubičemo te!!" Odgovori konobar: - "Ok Ok, samo nemojte pravit probleme, sve je dzabe!" Pogleda Mujo Hasu i kaže: - "Ovako ćemo i mi uradit." Narućili oni pećenje i rakiju i kad su se najeli dodje konbar i kaže: - "Molim vas da naplatim." Kaže Mujo: - "Mi smo četnici, ako hoćeš da naplatiš ubićemo te!!" Kad ih upita konobar: - "A gdje su vam brade??" A Huso usdade otkopča hlaće, skide gaće i reće: - "MI SMO TAJNI AGENCI!!" -5- Piše Mujo pismo Ginisu: - "Dragi Ginise! Pišem ti jer mislim da bi me trebo' upisat' u onu tvoju knjigu rekorada. Ja sam kupio puuzle od 1 do 3 godine, a rješio ih za 6 mjeseci!" Pecaju ribu Mujo i Haso. Sjede pored obale na prilićnoj razdaljini i Mujo viće Hasi: - "Upecao sam soma!" - "Koliki je", upita Haso? - "Pa veći je som od mene...", kaže Mujo. Pozvao Mujo Fatu na sastanak u jedan exkluzivan restoran. Sjedoše oni, i Mujo naruci puževe. Zabrinu se Fata, ne zna kako se jedu, pa gleda u Muju da vidi kako on. Uze Mujo puža prinese ga ustima i usrknu. Vidje Fata to pa poće i ona. Usrknu jednom, dvaput, triput...ništa. Proviri ona u kućicu kad tamo puž se uhvatio za zidove i kaže: - "TO LUTKO!" Išli Mujo i Suljo u lov na divlje guske. Nekoliko dana bazali po močvari... i ništa. U povratku, posljednjeg dana, sreli Hasu, sa ruksakom punim ulova. - "Jeste'l šta ulovili vas dvojica?" - "Ma, jok, bolan. Satrasmo se, al' ništa." - "Što ne probate kupit psa ptićara? Evo, ja ga imam. Skup, al' isplati se." Kako Haso odmaće, Mujo ce Sulji: - "Ma, sta misliš? Da se uvalimo u tog ptićara, pa da nam se više ćaršija ne smije?" - "More." Kupili ptićara i krenuli u lov. Nakon tri dana bezuspješnog lova, Mujo će Sulji: - "Ma, znaš šta? Uvalismo se para, hodamo tri dana, meni ruke više otpadoše! Ili ovo nije pravi ptićar, ili ga ja ne bacam dovoljno visoko!!!" Doselio se Haso u zgradu gdje je stanovao Mujo, na sprat iznad njega. Prvu noć hoće Huso da legne spavat već je kasno. Taman poćeo da sanja kad nastade nekakva bunjava i buka. Konta on šta bi moglo bit i shvati da Mujo ispod njega lupa na bubnjeve. Sidje on dole i pozvani: - "Daj komšija već je jedanaest sati šta lupaš." Mujo: - "Joj izvini komšija, znaš ja sam član jednog orkestra, sutra je nastup pa većeras je generalna proba." - "Dobro ako je samo većeras, nema problema!" Sutra Haso opet taman da legne opet buka, i opet on sidje do Muje. - "Šta je komšija ti reće danas je nastup!" - "Ma nije komšija odkazali su danas, bit će sutra pa opet generalna proba većeras." - "Ako je tako, nema problema" veli Haso. Sutra naveće opet ista prića, lupanje kasno navećer, odkazali nastup za sutra, većeras generalna proba. Četvrti dan opet lupnjava poslije jedanaest sati navećer ali čudno Muji ne silazi Haso. On bubnja jaće, nema Hase. Popet će se kod njega da vidi što ovaj ne silazi. Udje on u stan, kad sjedi Haso u fotelji i drka. - "Šta je komšija, šta to radiš?" - "Šuti komšija danas je generalna proba a sutra ću ti jebat mater!!!" Pao Haso s 11. kata i naravno okupilo se mnoštvo ljudi da vidi što je s njim. Prilazi i Huso. U tom trenutku Haso ustaje i briše sa sebe prašinu. Huso ga pita: - "Bolan Haso, što je to bilo, zbog ćega se skupio ovoliki svijet?" - "Jebeš im mater, ne znam, i ja sam sad došo!" Rodio se Muju sin, i on mu dade ime Haso. Kad je otišao u bolnicu da podigne sina, recepcionarka mu reće: - "Otidji na drugi sprat, i tamo ćes ga pronaći." I tako Mujo ode na drugi sprat. Dodje do prvih vrata,a na njima piše: NADPROSJEČNO INTELIGENTNA DJECA. On poviri unutra nema Hase. Dodje do drugih vrata, a na njima piše: PROSJEĆNO INTELIGENTNA DJECA. On poviri, nema Hase. Na sljedecim vratima je pisalo: MENTALNO ZAOSTALA DJECA. On pogleda unutra, ali nema Hasa. Taman kad je pomislio da je neka greška, ugleda još jedna vrata, a na njima piše: HASO.

ponedjeljak, 03.07.2006.

TBF FOREVER HRVATSKA ESTRADA JE SRANJE.THOMPSON,ŠKORO,CECA,BULIĆ I OSTALE GLUPOSTI SU ZAGADILE HRVATSKI ETER I TO JE GROZNO.GROZNO JE ZA NAS KOJI TU ŽIVIMO.ŠTA SE DOGAĐA?.JEDINI KOJI SE BUNE PROTIV TOGA SU NAŠI TBF-OVCI.KO JEBE THOMPSONOVE FAŠISTE.SAMO NAJGORE OD SVEGA JE ŠTA ON TRUJE MLADEŽ KOJI SU KASNIJE FAŠISTI,UBOJICE,DROGERI.............JA NEZNAN DI OVAJ SVIT IDE ALI KAD BI SE SVAK OD NAS TO ZAPITA BILO BI SUPER.

je........................... HEROYIX U zemlji apsurda zakon je ka Burda Pa se po njemu kroji, sve po zakonu, samo izbroji I začepi pravu rupu, to je lako Kod nas bit snalažljiv je zajebat zakon Zajebat sve nas, ma nema problema Zakon je pun rupa poput goblena Pa vezi sliku, za rodbinu I kojeg priku Baci kost pasima šta nose palice Sitne ribe pune marice Dok pametne glavice biže priko granice a preplaćene guzice nas vode žedne priko vode dok ispravljaju netočne navode A na ulice su izašle curice Naše mlade snaše, u lov na nogometaše Ali im paše i druga mogućnost Sve dok je sigurnost i izvjesna budućnost I nabrekle lisnice, a nisu baš bistrice pa bi tile bit misice, i na modne pistice Jer to su nova iskustva koja otvaraju vrata Auta od faca velikog formata Ako nisu kriminalci onda su tatini sinovi, u glavama im plinovi, invalidi, sve šta vridi da im je roditelj Smisao života je ko ima bolji auto i mobitel. Svi Hrvatine, a svaki skače ka klokan čim čuje Cecu il neki hit od turbo folka Tu nema sriće, sve je gluma Ljubav odnosi bujica tekućih računa Sve do Crnog Mora, il još crnje I gore U Mrtvo more, tu nema života, samo svota Nema snova, samo lova Otrovnija od otrova, šporka od šporkih poslova A ekipa u kvartu pije pive, bez perspektive Izvukli su krive karte Krivo vrime, krivo misto, obećanja-blagosranja Al nema više vizionara Legionara, revolucionara, Bolest gora od SARSA, u ime svoga Boga Marsa Sve ih je tribalo u ludare, umobolnice Prije nego sjebaše bolnice i tvornice A ja bi samo tija radit, pošteno zaradit Imat nešto u banci, da me ne hrane starci Život je bijedan, al se ne dan Nisan gladan ni žedan, krpin se iz tjedna u tjedan I teško je nama šta bi tili bit ljudi Parimo nenormalni, ludi Al smo oni šta se bore I kad je najgore dio smo faune i flore, imamo ljubav i more to nam ne mogu otet, kod nas drugi vitar puše ne mogu se popet do nas sitne duše šta guše gustom maglom lošeg emotivnog naboja na plemenskom su stupnju razvoja ili oni šta dobro podmazanih analnih otvora voze linijom najmanjeg otpora i nema digniteta, i nema poštenja Očenaši i Zdravo Marije su cijena oproštenja i nema općeg dobra, samo vlastita torba i dupe kriminalci, a svi šute papci, suci, fratri, policajci jer su rođaci il u istoj stranci, ista banda a mi smo stranci u vlastitoj zemlji zbog ljudskoga šljama, a mi smo stranci u vlastitoj zemlji zbog ljudskog šljama, Lipa naša silovana! REFREN: Heroji! Ne tribaju nam puške ni pištolji! Samo čisto srce i ničeg se ne boj!

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