08.12.2004., srijeda
In need of friends...
I didn't get the job.
Which job, you ask?
Any job.
So far, I've got two rejection letters, five rejection e-mails, and countless offers not answered.
All of them going - we think you're wonderful, but not for us, better luck next time.
The job I really wanted to get was by our Ministry of Foreign Affaires. And last night my bro tells me he’s seen the list of those who got in, and I’m not on it.
I must say it didn’t hit me like I thought it would, but then again, I’m probably under shock. You see, I don’t see how I can, by the same criteria, the same tests and the same interviewers get one thing and not another. When I got in the Diplomatic Academy, which had almost exactly the same tests as the job in the Ministry, I thought the job was bagged and tagged and just a matter of time before they notify me to tell me I was in.
I have dared to hope. I have dared to think I got it made. And of course, every time I hope and think things are going to turn out great, they don’t.
That is the story of my life. You know, the one thing repeating itself throughout my life.
I hope for something I want, I show the universe my desire for getting it, I don’t get it. I don’t hope, I don’t show the universe my desire for getting it, I get it. Everything I wanted with my whole heart, I did not get. The things I passionately craved for, I did not get. Those I was indifferent to, I got.
There’s just one exception to this rule I can think of, and that’s honeybunny. I wanted him with all my heart, and I got him. But even then I was sure that since I wanted him, I wouldn’t get him.
So why is this? Why am I always left empty-handed whenever I desire something badly?
I’ve developed a theory that softens the blow over the years. Now don’t laugh.
My theory is: God knows that in the further course of events the future which would be by getting my heart’s desire would not be good for me, so he denies me that future regardless of my wishes in the present.
And so far the theory’s worked for me. Whenever I wanted something and didn’t get it, it would turn out the thing would have totally messed up my life in the end. For example, every boy I loved but didn’t get, turned out to be a jerk as time went by, and I could see, after time has healed my wounds, that he would have messed me up completely. And I was happy I did not get my wish, because not getting it turned out to be the right thing.
You know, I don’t think I’m very religious, not in the sense that I go to church every Sunday and pray daily, but I do believe in God. I believe he loves me and knows what’s best for me, and I love him and trust him. So maybe everything will be all right in the end.
It’s just that, although I say everything will be all right in the end, I can’t see it now.
I wanted that job. I really did. I wanted to start working. I’m sick and tired of sitting at home and answering ads. I’m sick and tired of not having my own money, and having to beg my father for scraps. I’m sick and tired of honeybunny having to pay for everything, although I know he doesn’t mind. I’m sick and tired going to coffee with my friends and being the only one unemployed there. I’m sick and tired of having no goal, no purpose. I’m sick and tired of not living up to my own expectations.
I think I’m gonna call a friend and get drunk tonight. I’m in the mood to drown my sorrows in a bottle (or two) of wine. I know that’s not the way to solve one’s problems, but that’s the only thing I can think of right now.
|
- 12:10 -
Comments? (4) -
-
|
