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They say it’s darkest right before the dawn. Is it? Wait, let me rephrase the question: Does the dawn ever come? I went high that day. Visoko, it means ‘high’. I arrived right after the storm, hiked in the night, to wait for the longest day of the year on the place that was built for that particular day. Because of all the traveling, barely sleeping a little in the bus, climbing a pyramid and freezing in the dark, the shortest night of the year felt like the longest. But the longest day after that also felt the longest. Long and high… Visoko… When I try to feel love, I feel Visoko… And this year was supposed to be about love. Did I find it? I kind of did. I kind of didn’t. I have no idea. I loved my friends, I loved my family, I loved my “enemies” and yes, I even loved myself. Maybe I even fell in love. But was love the answer? Was it enough? Hardly. Was I loved? I don’t know. But that day, the longest day, I felt loved. I was found. I was at home. I was complete. And I threw all that into the fire. Or it threw me into the fire. Or the fire just burned it all together without asking my permission… The solstice fire. The solstice day. Summer solstice. After the sunset, heavily blocked with chemtrails, there was just this fire, another night and me, kind of drunk and kind of depressed, wishing for my lies to come back, because truth felt unbearable. The truth, spit in front of me, destroying everything and eating me alive ever since… That truth is simple: Your life sucks. So the summer began, but what actually happened was the return of darkness. Days were getting darker again, my hearth with them, my soul with them… If there was a way out for me, I haven’t found it. I was just watching my life falling apart and that question screaming in every part of my being: ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE AT LAST?!? Or are you going to make the same choices as before? Yes, I will change! I’m ready. I’m ready. I kept saying that while climbing to Rtanj, yet another pyramid. I’m ready. I’m ready! But ready for what? I had no idea. I still don’t… Where do I go from here? Where do you go when you know you can’t go on like this, like you used to, but that’s just about everything you do know. You don’t know another way. You don’t know anything, just like you never did. How do you even begin searching for the answers when you don’t know the questions anymore? Lock up in your home, read some books, watch some movies, go for a walk on your eternity-shaped forest path, cook and wash the dishes. Don’t look for a job! Not the same kind of job! Please, not again! Try to come up with something else. I know trying doesn’t work, but keep trying. Exercise. Believe you have what it takes! Even when you don’t… Keep believing anyway. The purpose of your life can’t be not having a purpose! Can it? Just believe… Please… Believe… Just like all those dead looking plants with buds all over them. The winter is not yet here, but they already believe in spring! They are getting ready for it. Forget the summer solstice! There is another one coming! Winter solstice. Days will begin getting longer again. New Year will come. You’ll figure it out, everything! The dawn is approaching! Is it? I don’t know… Just keep believing. It’s all you have left… |