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I'm sitting on my weird nest-chair, listening to rain that sounds like it’s trying too hard. Ok, I get it, the peak of autumn is here, it’s supposed to be dark and cold with heavy rains! And I’m supposed to be looking for a job or a boyfriend or at least sperm-bank. Still, somehow, my life is not going in that direction. I can’t even think about looking for a job at the moment. I feel kind of disabled actually. When it comes to marriage and kids, my life was never going in that direction. What direction is it going, then? I guess it’s standing. I’m standing. The only problem with that is that I have no idea what other directions are there… Where to go, what to do? This annoying question has been haunting me since 2008. I do have an answer. Travel. Simply, travel. All I can think of is traveling. The only plans not failing me at the moment are those of traveling. The only thing working for me at the moment is traveling. Of course, it’s not that simple. I don’t know where to travel. Sure, there are places I want to visit, but I don’t hear a calling. When I hear it, I will go, and the rest will fall into its place… Two journeys are already behind me, anyway. I mean, two journeys since I lost my job, which was only three weeks ago. Since my new life began. Since I became able to breathe again… I just finished reading a book about death. Isn’t it nice to read a book like that on a dark November day like this one? It’s probably connected to the journey I’m about to take in a few days. A special journey inside... Ok, it might be a good idea to try to find a way to work with dying people. Something like that, something like death, might give my life a meaning. I don’t really feel like living, but I don’t feel like dying yet, either. So, in a way, I’m already in between, I might be able to understand, I might be able to help… I need to give it a thought the next time I feel able to think about working. For now, my life is plain nothingness. But in a weird, unexplainable way, I’m ok with that. Nothing about me can be explained easily, really. I failed at being myself. I failed at being what other people wanted me to be. I did nothing with my life. Yet, now, in this moment, it feels like I didn’t really fail. It feels like I’m exactly where I should be. It feels like everything will work out. It feels like I might be able to find my way… Of course, my mind is running like crazy. It screams to me that I’m too old for that shit! It tells me that I can’t live without a job and when I run out of money I might not be able to find another job very soon. What then? WHAT THEN?!? I don’t listen to my mind anymore. Not because I don’t want to listen, it’s more of a not being able to hear it. I’m too busy with other stuff to listen to that boring old thing. Stuff like doing nothing at all… I feel safe. I feel guided. That is enough. I’m not at peace. I don’t even know how it should feel like. This is closest to peace that I can reach and so it’s good. Everything’s good. I’m on my way. Whatever it turns out to be… |