goodbye madrid
25.07.2006., utorak
in the middle of it
|
i got a month left at home and im not sure how i feel about that.. just as i get used to things, i have to leave them and that happens over and over and over and fucking over again. i try not to think about it now, just kinda let things happen. but one of my best friends, a girl i grew up with, left today. i might get to see her before i leave though, so im not too upset about that one. but another friend left this weekend, and i only got to sit with him for about an hour. i wont see him til xmas or maybe even next summer. it never used to be like this, but he moved away too, he lives in spain now, so we dont get much time together. we both try to play it tough, like its no big deal, but thats just an act. we had a little too much to drink and he gave me this hug, this really long and strong hug. and you have to understand that we never touch, like he does not like physical contact. almost made me cry. i think i said, i miss you too. maybe i was too drunk to remember now. i dont think i will ever get used that, saying goodbye i mean. i dont know how long i can still do it for. maybe its good i will be out of college in a year -although most of the time i wish it could last forever - but i need some continuity, live a full year in one place, not have two seperate lives for a while. so as a whole, this summer has been relaxing but not as much fun as my summers usually are. imaybe ts the fact that i only drank that one before mentioned night, i dont know.. and ive been feeling sick all the freakin time lately, i need to have some tests done but i cant till i get home in a month. its prolly something silly, its just frustrating that i feel so weak all the time. on a happier note (for a freakin change, i sound like a depressed person all the time - well, whatever, this is my outlet, thats how its supposed to sound), the thing that has been bothering be for the longest fuckin time..im getting over it. i think this time im REALLY getting over it. like, whatever i hear and find out i cant get truly upset over it anymore. im just like, ok, yeah, whatever. dont even wanna know anymore. i feel free. or at least, more free, freer than before. not a prisoner of love anymore, i guess lol. man, it feels good. |
03.07.2006., ponedjeljak
when ur family meets ur family...
|
its been a fun time at home lately...ive been spending weeks in zagreb and weekends at the beach, and its been as unproductive as i could make it - which i always greatly enjoy.. first my sisters old roommate from berlin came to visit and then 3 of my friends from st louis - including my roomie! i just loved having them here, in some ways it felt really weird but in other ways it just feels so right to be around those ppl :) especially vanda, my roomie. it was like introducing family to my family. and to celebrate the great moments of our croatian get-together, we took some pictures that are censored forever, and these times made me decide to quit drinking for the next few months. that was basically today, the Day of Big Decisions. also, day of big shocks, which i guess always kinda stand behind big decisions. it finally occurred to me that ive been wasting my time on something that exists only in my head..ive been putting all this energy into worrying about it and trying to somehow make it...good again, i guess. but today, even though i heard it so many times before, i ACTUALLY heard it, like it processed in my mind. the whole crusade has been a fucking waste. a sad attempt of incredible self-deception that actually worked for a long-ass time. so, ive decided to say fuck it.. im done with this shit. and even if it hurts like hell, and it will probably get worse, im gonna start a new project - making myself a careless individual. everyone else can take care of their own fucking shit, cos im not picking up any more pieces. |