Ptitchitza u niskom letu

On Work, Freedom and G_d

Last Friday I had a meeting with an occupational health officer at work. I don't know why I expected this impasse with my work to come closer to some kind of resolution. I guess because I am desperate for some kind of closure.

The night before (when I slept from 6 pm to 2 am) I've dreamt I was on the crew making Apocalypse Now with Francis Ford Coppola.

Did you know "if" is a middle word in LifE?

I was ready to sell my first work of art: my carriere. They seem(ed) to be offering a very fair amount. But if I don't come back to work I'm fucked for real.

And I'm so desperate to have a quiet, happy, constructive year for a change. I'm so fucking tired of all the turmoil in my life & of my occasional bouts of weakness & despair that come out of having all the time in the world and so very little to do to justify it.

If I was working I would not miss Maria, I would not miss anything. I would more appreciate my time, too, because I wouldn't have so much of it anymore.

I hope they've hanged the Nazi bastard who came up with Arbeid Macht Frei slogan in concentration camps. That kind of twisted, perverted, sick, disgusting cynisism should be shot on the spot.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose. The criminally insane moron understood that well decades before Kris Kristofferson (and Janis!) sang about it.

I cannot stand all this freedom anymore. Like Leonard Cohen, "I need some kind of fascistic regime in my life to help me locate some kernel of self-esteem." Without it, I am nothing and I have nothing.

Yes, I've discovered G_d (her name is Maria, it's a G_dess, after all!), but my faith is weak, I never had much of religious fervour.