Nice Guys Don't Flirt i kaj zene ne kuze o muskarcima
Potaknut poticajnim stivom koje mi je preporucila FrU (posljednjih dana je stalno spominjem!) na musko-zensku tematiku (Pogled iz zenskog kuta) ukljucujem ovdje par zanimljivih stvari. Prvo, clanak potom odlicna i duhovita kratka prica. Oboje je u internet (tj. javnoj) domeni, pa se ne osjecam krivim u pogledu autorskih prava. Procitajte, nasmijat cete se a nesto cete sigurno i nauciti!
NICE GUYS DON'T FLIRT:
How and why they should
By Jenn Shreve
When my close friend Eric developed a crush on a woman who worked in a nearby tea shop, he spent weeks contemplating how he would approach her. Striking up a conversation while ordering Earl Grey seemed too bold. If he lingered too long at a table by himself, he'd seem like a loser. But if he showed up with a group of guy pals, he might come across like a macho jerk.
He settled on arriving at the shop with a posse of female friends to demonstrate, as he puts it, that he was "pre-approved by the female sex." In this way, he was finally able to nervously introduce himself to the woman behind the counter. Amusingly enough, they became friends. She introduced him to her co-worker, whom he ended up dating for more than a year.
My boyfriend, when he was single, used to buy women drinks. But before the beverage could even be delivered, he'd run out of the bar, unsure and afraid of the next step. A handsome, eligible dentist I know recently needed several pep talks before he could phone a woman. Another nice guy pal has simply given up on flirting. He cannot imagine a line or approach that wouldn't seem contrived or insulting to a woman's intelligence. Better not to flirt at all than inadvertently confirm a woman's worst fears about male behavior.
What a dreadful loss to womankind! Nice guys — the ones we want to meet and fall in love with — don't flirt. Meanwhile, a verbose minority of jerks wreaks havoc with their uninhibited flirtatious ways. They whistle at women on the street, introduce themselves with cheesy lines, leer at breasts and legs but never brains. In short, they sully the reputations of their fellow men with rude, crude and socially unacceptable behavior.
Why don't nice guys flirt? A nice man considers the woman's feelings above his own. He figures she probably doesn't want to be disturbed by a total stranger; best to leave well enough alone. A nice man is humble. He does not consider himself to be God's greatest gift to womankind, so he does not assume that she will see him as such. A nice man puts friendship before sex. He would rather get to know somebody slowly than come on strong from Day One.
The fear of making a bad impression looms large. Men, if they want to flirt successfully, must come across as both confident and harmless. It's a difficult balance to maintain. If you lean too far in either direction, the consequences are disastrous.
"The opposite of confident is a loser,” Eric says. “The opposite of harmless is even worse."
* * *
Throughout my adult life, for reasons I can't quite explain, my close friends have almost all been men. Not just any men, mind you. These are Grade A quality chaps — nice, smart, handsome, polite — the kind you want to place atop a pedestal and bring home to mom. Thanks to these friendships, I've gotten a first-rate education in the mind of our brothers of the XY chromosome. I've come to understand their hopes and fears, their joys and guilty pleasures.
And when it comes to anxieties, few things rate higher with these fellows than flirting. They talk about it constantly. I've been asked to scour e-mails and phone messages for hidden messages. I offer the female take on when to ask a woman out and how. Hollywood would have us believe that men stand around in locker rooms and sit on barstools bragging of their latest conquests. In reality, they are probably bemoaning their paralysis when it comes to approaching, chatting with and asking out members of the opposite sex.
In hopes of helping men overcome their flirting phobia, I've written several articles on the topic. In one, I interviewed a flirting expert. For a glossy national men's magazine, I sent a romantically challenged acquaintance to get private lessons on flirting technique, then unleashed him on a series of bars and parties. I lurked in the background, furiously taking notes.
The secret to giving good flirt, I've learned, is the ability to read and react properly to the signals a woman is sending. A smile means smile back. Two smiles means find an excuse to say hello.
The reason most men fail in flirting is they don't wait for the woman to make the first move. Numerous times I've been somewhere minding my own business when out of nowhere a stranger pops up and starts trying to make conversation. He may be very nice, good-looking and charming. But in my mind I'm wondering, Why in the hell is this man talking to me? What does he want?
Men need to pick their moments well. If a woman is busy, preoccupied or stressed out, the best flirt in the world won't impress her. For ages, I've been telling my friends that if they want to meet and flirt with women, they should go in for weekly manicures.
Flirtatious conversation should focus on her, not you. Ask about her interests, her work, her friends. Find common interests and explore them. Lines never work.
If a man is flirting with someone and, for whatever reasons, she stops sending warm signals, it is important to quickly and politely withdraw. For example, "I'm meeting someone" means "Leave me alone, freakazoid," not "Please stay and talk to me until my date arrives." To accept rejection gracefully is flirting's greatest challenge. I constantly find myself reassuring friends that the reasons for a woman's lack of interest are rarely ever personal.
In the past when men have started flirting with me uninvited, I've responded with such charming tactics as: 1. Smiling and nodding while looking at anyone or anything other than him. 2. Pretending that he doesn't exist. 3. Walking away. Or, 4. Telling him in no uncertain terms to go the way of the devil.
Today, I no longer give the automatic brush-off. Instead I try to convey that I'm flattered but not interested (unless he's rude; then he automatically gets the No. 4 treatment). Because I sympathize with how difficult it must have been to make that initial gesture. And because, if the guy seems nice, I want to encourage him in his flirting endeavors. Chances are, if he keeps at it, he'll eventually introduce himself to the right woman.
Jenn Shreve writes about media, technology, relationships and popular culture for Salon.com, the San Francisco Examiner, Wired and other publications. Her last story for UnderWire was about women escaping abuse.
Sto ja nalazim razocaravajucih jest da mnogo zena nije nikad ucinilo napor da se stave u musku poziciju (dakle, netko od koga se uglavnom ocekuje inicijativa i takt), ne zbog nas vec zbog sebe samih. Flirting & slicne stvari su drustvene vjestine koje imaju univerzalnu primjenu i trebalo bi ih uciti u skoli. Ako smo iole drustveno funkcionalni vjerojatno je da se takvim stvarima ne bavimo posebno, ali bilo bi dobro da nije tako. Moje razocaranje jest izraz mojeg idealizma. Racionalan pogled kaze da to posve prirodno: netko tko je navikao da izaziva paznju, uzima je zdravo za gotovo i tako sam sebe uskracuje nizom prilika koje bi ucinile da im se pred ocima materijalizira partner o kome su sanjali -- svi smo odrastajuci sigurno propustili neku od takvig prilika, ali rijetki su se tim prilikama posluzili da nesto nauce.
WHAT WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT GUYS
By Dave Barry
Contrary to what many women believe, it's easy to develop a long-term, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course, the guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the word RELATIONSHIP.
Let's say a guy named Roger asks a woman named Elaine out to a movie. She accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly and soon neither is seeing anybody else.
Then one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. She says: "Do you realize that we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" Silence fills the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he feels confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation." And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months." And Elaine is thinking: "But hey, I'M not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a LIFETIME together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even KNOW this person?" And Roger is thinking: "So that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... whoa! I am WAY overdue for an oil change here." And Elaine is thinking: "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship - more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he senses my reservations. Yes, that's it. He's afraid of being rejected." And Roger is thinking: "I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say - it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on cold weather this time. It's 31 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent, thieving cretins 600 DOLLARS!" And Elaine is thinking: "He's angry, and I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure." And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's what they're gonna say!" And Elaine is thinking: "Maybe I'm too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting next to a perfectly good person who's in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl fantasy." And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? I'll give them a warranty!"
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine says, sobbing. "I mean, I know there's no knight and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" Roger says, glad to know the correct answer.
"It's just that... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger tries to come up with a safe response.
"Yes," he finally says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," Elaine says.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.
At last she says, "Thank you, Roger."
"Thank YOU," he responds.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted soul weeping until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czech players he never heard of. A tiny voice in his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he figures it's better not to think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, and they will talk for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they will analyze everything she said and everything he said. They will continue to discuss this subject for weeks, never reaching any definite conclusions but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Roger, playing racquetball one day with a friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving and ask, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different PLANETS in completely different SOLAR SYSTEMS. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger because the sum total of his thinking about relationships is "Huh"? He has a guy brain, basically an analytical, problem-solving organ. It's not comfortable with nebulous concepts such as love, need and trust. If the guy brain has to form an opinion about another person, it prefers to base it on facts, such as his or her earned-run average. Women have trouble accepting this. They are convinced that guys MUST spend a certain amount of time thinking about the relationship. How could a guy see another human being day after day, night after night, and NOT be thinking about the relationship? This is what women figure.
They are wrong. A guy in a relationship is like an ant standing on top of a truck tire. The ant is aware that something large is there, but he cannot even dimly comprehend what it is. And if the truck starts moving and the tire starts to roll, the ant will sense that something important is happening, but right up until he rolls around to the bottom and is squashed, the only thought in his tiny brain will be "Huh"?
Thus the No. 1 tip for women to remember is never assume the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it, such as: "Roger, would you mind passing me the sugar, inasmuch as we have a relationship?" "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean." "Good news, Roger! The doctor says we're going to have our fourth child - another indication that we have a relationship!" “Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we have only a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship."
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Someday he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and out of the blue he'll say "Elaine and I have, ummm. . . we have, ahhh. . . we. . . we have this thing."
And he will sincerely mean it.
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