dva šamara za dobro jutro

Motto: "I Srbi su ljudi. Mozda."

Real motto: "Srbija do Tokija preko Milvokija."

Real motto 2:"Jebes ustase!"
National Anthem: Boze nema Pravde
Official language Serbian
Capital Den Haag (de facto)
Government Anarchy

Lunatic Nationalist Cadre
Anarchy
Democyratic Republic

Anarchy
Democracy
Demonarchy
Tribe leader Papa Smurf
National Hero Misha Tumbas

National Pastime Moonwalking
Territorial aspirations From Baltic to Adriatic Sea, including Tokyo, Milwaukee, Karlovac, Karlobag, Virovitica and Ogulin

Currency inches
Religion Orthodox Alcoholism Shabanism


“Serbia... what a funny name...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Serbia

“I want my money back...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Serbia

“Milosevic? I hate him, the bastard lost Kosovo. String him up. No wait. That was me. Shit.”

~ Slobodan Milosevic on Slobodan Milosevic

“Milosevic? No, he was from Yugoslavia”

~ a Serbian guy

“Welcum Turist! Wi spik Inglish.”

~ a Serbian tourist guide

Serbia is a huge sprawling nation compromising of large chunks of Southern and Eastern Europe within its historically recognized borders of Karlobag, Karlovac, Virovitica, Tokyo. Roots of this divine nation reach back to many many millennias BC when a Slavic-Klingon tribe settled in the area, and a construction of some Bysantium-style Orthodox churches on the holy Serbian soil of Kosovo marked the onset of civilization. It's still unclear how did the Serbs ended up in the Balkans centuries before actual Slavic migration, and just why did they build churches in Byzantine style more than 5 millennia before actual Christianity and Byzantium. It's probably an internal joke between the tribesmen which modern historians really don't get. Only historical documents mentioning Serbia in this period were written by members of tribe themselves.

The beggining

Earliest mention of the Serbs among ancient Greek historians is after the Battle of Phillipolis where army of Smurfs, 15 little man strong, took over Macedonia, ahem South Serbia. Papa Smurf ruled the country until he was called-up for trial in (the?) Haag (Hague).

Serbs' first contact with Roman Empire was in 31AD, when the invading Roman army was decimated by two sleeping toddlers. Chiefs of Serbian tribes, after a night of heavy drinking, decided that it would "be hot" to go invade Rome, which they promptly did. Multi-party constitutional democracy was instituted; much more liberal than the old Roman Republic, and Rome reached new Golden Age in a few short months. However, since they were defeated by a handful of drunken barbarians, Roman historians decided to ignore this period after the Serbs sobered up and went home to get breakfast, leaving emperor Tiberius free to restore old Imperial system.

Subsequent Serbian adventures mildly annoyed other people of that age in south Europe, and the mighty Hun force was immediately accepted as a saviour by those poor victims of Serb oppression and Serb lack of personal hygeine. Nowadays, this is widely regarded as a gross miscalculation.

Other Southern Slavs that began arriving in the 6th century were not impressed by their new neighbours, and often complained that they were too loud.
Wars with Ottoman Empire (15th century - 18th century)

Worst conflict for Serbian people was one with Ottomans at Battle of Kosovo, in 1389. There, a great Ottoman army was crushed by Serbs, after the battle lasting 17 minutes. Serbs, like said, kicked their butts, but by a lowbrow backstabbing plan ploted by (probably?) Vatican, Turks got into Serbia somehow and stayed there for long 500 years to come. None of the moden history's "books" (Serbians refuse to write due religious believes) don't tell anything about the Serbian magnificent victory, but who cares. Serbs celebrated as if they supremely won this battle.

Legend tells that lone Serbian knight, Duke Miloš Obilić, snuck into Turkish camp, and killed Soultan Murat. The knight was later SCUDed by the son of Murat, The great Soultan, Bajazit. Serbs then stopped celebrating.

Until this day a mistery surrounds this epic battle. It is unclear* how Duke Miloš Obilić managed to pass trough Turkish checkpoints and escape using a T-90 main battle tank. It is a legend that is passing from generation to generation of Serbs and still inspiring new warriors to continue this unfare battle. Some say Miloš was on the dark side, some say he was just another guy from local fitness club who joined war for fun. Great soultan Bajazit was very angry when he found out that some Serbian bodybuilder killed his father. So angry that he launched a SCUD missile directly on party that serbs made to celebrate battle loss. After smoke has cleared and decontamination was done, sad news was spreading, Miloš the Pencilhead was dead.

* This is just in. The latest on how Mr. Milos got the idea to go and assasinate the sultan. Apparently his wife Jelena and her sister Mara, a wife of a local druglord and businessman Vuk Brankovic, got into quarell whos pencil is sharper, Vuk's or Milos's. So Milos went to Turks to prove it. Also reported as present to the showdown was an unindentified Turkish prince, almost caucasian and slightly blackish, 5ft 6, 180 pounds wearing a T-shirt saying "Will SCUD anybody who guts my father".
* One additional piece of folklore based on Miloš Obilić needs debunking: a popular Serbian proberb "20 ;>H0 C18H5 8;>H0" (Two bad guys can smite even one Miloš, a freeform translation) was actually invented by a foreign battle reporter immediately after the battle of Kosovo. The Order of Templars (precursor to what will become UN) had their war reporters sent over to Kosovo and one of them was stationed near the point of impact of said SCUD missile. The Templar had been enjoying his third or fourth barrel of Serbian refreshing beverage šljivovica at the moment of explosion, and -- momentarily grasping the impact of the event -- allegedly uttered the words "Too bad, Miloš's dead." This was heard by some Serbs nearby but due to their sense of hearing being impaired partly by the recent explosion and partly by the otherwise beneficial effects of the quantity of šljivovica imbibed, they misinterpreted it as "Two bad, Miloš dead". This didn't make any sense, which made it instantly popular among Serbs surviving the battle of Kosovo.

"Modern" Serbia

In 1830, King of Serbia decided to retire at the age of 30, and since his son was a little "strange", he decreed Serbia to be republic. Majority of population was not ecstatic at prospect of having to go out and vote once in a while, and president was elected by draft amongst unwilling citizens for the first time well into 20th century. Later, they made a computer smart enough to rule country (By using Random function), and then returned to sleeping late.

In 1914, Austria-Hungary (called that despite persisted non-existence of Hungary) declared war after assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand by Bosnian Pro-Serb Activity group Mlada Bosna (Young Bosnia), lead by assassinator, and a chewing gum inventor Gavrilo Princip. Serbs claimed, "he had it coming" because "he was frontin'". War lasted for 4 years because Serbia had bet with France that Serbs could defeat Austrians, Turks and Germans by using nothing except their faeces. And they did. France had to give bet money back, and plunged into financial ruin for 30 years to come.

Brief peace was shattered in 1939 when Adolph Hitler invaded Poland. This made Serbs very angry, as they had (one) friend there, so they declared war on Germany. England, France, Russia and America were also in, or something. War ended in 1945 when Serbs nuked Berlin using a brand new weapon developed by their very own crazy scientist, Nikola Tesla. This weapon is now widely used in many fictional Video Games and Movies, and is called Doom Ray, Millenium Falcon, or whatever.

During a victory celebration party, a couple of dope-smoking communists led by Marshal Tito noticed that Main Government Building was empty, as all ministers were dancing drunk and naked in the streets. Communists seized opportunity to take over the country and declare themselves new rulers. A shaky alliance with Russia was shattered when Tito got in slap fight with Boris Stalin. Stalin ran away crying like a little girl, although he would never ever admit it, even to himself, and left Toto in charge of the world.

Tito, to avoid any emotionally draining slap fights with World leaders in the future, created the Non-Aligment Movement, a.k.a. The Mighty League of Justiceable Power Pals, and proclaimed himself for a leader. Cold War years were hard on neutral Power Pals, as they often threatened both America and Soviet Union to "stop acting up" and "play nice". Cold War ended in 1989 when the Mighty League of Justiceable Super Pals said that if the USA and Soviets don't end hostilities immediately, they will just pick up and leave. Then one Serb leaned against Berlin Wall to have a smoke, but foundation was of inferior workmanship and it came crashing down. Not Serbian fault, honest.
Serbia Today
Having fun with the state borders is one of the most popular activities in Serbia
Having fun with the state borders is one of the most popular activities in Serbia
Overview

... is the name of a particularly boring agricultural show that goes once a week on Serbian national television, and also the term for what's going on today in Serbia.

Today, Serbia is rebuilding after 1999 attacks by cruel and merciless Americans, British, German, and all others who have helped them (and vice-versa) in the long years after World War 2. Serbia is no longer a communist country, it is now a democracy, which means more McDonald's restaurants per sq. kilometer (a fictional unit made to show off in front of British: we don't have feet, we have meters, we don't have yards, we mostly live in apartments...).

Serbia's newfound prosperity can be fully explained by almost-winning the Eurosong contest a few years ago. The country's main export are Serbian pop-folk songs, sang by busty Serbian divas who were possibly born as men (no one knows for sure). Nowadays, it's main economic exports are raspberry juice, war criminals and basketball players you can bring into the game a minute before the end if your team is leading by 30 points. If you want a look at Serbia, and possibly money, go to Belgrade, rent-a-plane, and enjoy your view. We have mountains with trees and grasslands, honest. Churches, too!
Culture

At first, linking the terms "Culture" and "Serbia" together might seem like a special kind of moron, an oxymoron. Nevertheless, this section will be completed as soon as there is something to write about.

All vegetarians and non-smokers have been permanently expelled from Serbia. Serbians not seen eating more than 500 kilo's of beef at any one time or those that do not have the necessary minimum of three packs of cigarettes on their person at all times will be executed on the spot by the culture police.

Under no circumstances should you allow a Serbian to die in your country. If that happens, expect that thousands of Serbs appear next day on your doorstep shouting: "THIS IS SERBIA! THIS IS SERBIA!" For some obscure reason Serbs believe that wherever there is a grave of one of them, they have the right to claim the land. Be very suspicious about Serbs travelling in pairs. It might very well be that they just wait for an opportune moment to kill one of them and claim your country. If you need to kill a Serb, it makes sense to take it outside.

Also, Serbs have similar believe regarding beer: "Wherever there is a Serbian beer - there are Serbian lands!". Therefore Serbs never had serious export of beer, no matter the traditional high quality.
Montenegro

People from Montenegro are known to be very lazy, slow and untalented (see No Name). In other words, these Montenigerians are Serbs who act and talk like Bosnians, and don't like to be called Serbs. If you call them "Hey, you Serb!" most likely the answer will be "Oca ti jebem!".
Croats

Most people think that Serbs hate Croats. But that's not true, no! Serbs love Croats as Croats make-up funny cartoon character's names, like "Spuzva Bob Kvadra Hlace" and "Zekoslav Mrkvic", and run Star Trek on their national television.
Etiquette

Proper attire: Young and attractive females should wear miniskirts as concealing your legs and breasts may be interpreted as a form of deceit and lack of character. Converesely, instead of shamelessly bearing your face around, it should be modestly covered with generous amounts of make-up. Men should properly tuck their sweaters into their jeans (don't ask why, it's just the way it is) and wear generous amounts of gold chains adorned with crosses to signify that your devotion to God is "worth your weight in gold."

"Polite" conversational topics: glorious history, Kosovo, epic heroic struggle, pre-2003 basketball, bitches, politics (yeah, f$%#ed up, I agree), medical procedures (among middle-aged women in crowded buses), homosexuality, gay rights, offensive gay-pride parades... Anyone of Croatian descent will go by the name of "Ustasa" or "You There!"

"Impolite" conversational topics: work of any sort, Kosova, disbelief in astrology, post-2002 basketball.

Behaviour in the pub-lic: It is expected that you drink up your "gemischt" (50:50 mixture of wine and bubbly water) or rakija bottoms up and then smash the glass against the pub's (kafana's) floor (patos). Especially if "cajka" (fat-legged, over-siliconned, scarcely clad female) is singing, in which case, you are also entitled to start a brawl. If you carry a knife, you are encouraged to use it. If you carry a gun, aim for the head (even yours, if your buddies are moving too fast).

If you see, or happen to run across a modern day Serbian, you will notice how incredibly good looking they are (except for the men - for more information, see Neanderthal).
The Greatest Sons and Daughters in Serbian History

* Milka Canic, the true Shadow Ruler of Serbia
* Our lord Nikola Tesla
* Nikola Seceroski
* Milos Obrenovic (his monument is populary known as The Horse)
* Charles Simić (who the fuck?)
* Gen. Draža Mihajlović (invented Gorillaz)
* Sasa Matic (a.k.a. "The Blind Prophet")
* Gavrilo (iz principa)
* Slobodan Milosevic (Freeman Gentlefuck)
* Zeljko Mitrovic (Friends with Satan)
* Džej Ramadanovski
* Stoja
* Seka
* Ceca
* Keba
* Baja mali Knindža
* Lazar Mihaljević
* Lothar Matthaeus
* Šaban's(all kinds of)


Where do you want to go to prison today? Series