For my dreams I hold my life

Čekati zauvijek nešto što možda nikad neće doći...

Nekad mi stvarno dođe da počnem vjerovati u uroke i slične gluposti... Svako novo razočaranje ili nedobivanje onoga šta želim tjera me da se vratim u prošlost i sjetim se svih stvari u kojima sam se razočarala ili ih nisam dobila. I onda dođem do zaključka da sve ono šta sam istinski od srca htjela, otkad znam za sebe, AKO sam to dobila (a često uopće nisam) onda je to bilo s veeeelikim zakašnjenjem. Ono šta mi se danas desilo natjeralo me da se sjetim svih primjera. Evo, danas sam KONAČNO trebala imat ispit iz vožnje, i ako prođem, dobit tu toliko željenu jebenu vozačku. Ali... uvijek je taj ALI. Spletom okolnosti koje neću imenovati jer ću se inače previše raspizdit, ispit mi je odgođen. Da, MENI i još nekim ljudima, a neki imaju ispit. Možda mi ta vozačka nije suđena. Prvo sam trebala polagat u 7.mjesecu, ALI mi je falilo nekoliko sati da budem spremna (otprilike tjedan dana vožnje) pa nisam išla. Onda su ovi iz autoškole išli na godišnji i negdje do 20.8. ništa. onda sam 2.9. trebala ići na ispit ALI onda sam bila u Španjolskoj na maturalcu. Bilo bi bolje da sam onda polagala i ne išla u Španjolsku (nije da mi je bilo toliko grozno, ali nije bilo ni ništa posebno), ali jebiga, šta je bilo, bilo je. I onda danas. Odgoda ispita svima koji su trebali polagat od 8 do 10. a ja sam trebala u 8. i sad ću čekat tko zna do kada, trebala bi oko 2 tjedna ali vjerojatno će se onda svi ispitivači razboljet i ić na bolovanje pa će sljedeći ispit bit početkom 11.mjeseca kad će mi već i lječnički isteći. možda do 35. godine i položim. MOŽDA!
Onda, cijeli život sam stvarno jako htjela imat brata ili sestru. I na kraju sam ipak dobila brata, ali s jedno 6-7 godina zakašnjenja, kad sam se već pomirila da ću ostati sama. Dok su svi imali brata ili sestru mlađeg najviše 5-6 godina, ja imam brata mlađeg 13 godina. Možda zbog toga šta sam ga tako dugo čekala, toliko volim svog brata da ne mogu život zamislit bez njega i kad sam bila u Španjolskoj užasno mi je falio. A dan kad se rodio bio je najljepši dan u mom životu.
Ima još puno primjera dobivanja nekih stvari s ogromnim zakašnjenjem. Ali ipak nisu za javnost. I netko će reći da je bitno na kraju ipak dobiti to šta želiš, ali neke stvari se moraju desiti u točno određeno vrijeme. Jer sve šta ih duže čekaš, to te više uništavaju psihički. I onda kad ih dobiješ nakon toliko čekanja i suza (AKO ih uopće dobiješ) onda ti pomalo i postaje svejedno i nije toliki gušt imati nešto šta si toliko čekao. Bar je tako kod mene. Jednostavno postaneš takav kad ti se takve stvari stalno dešavaju. Npr., desilo mi se da sam dva rođendana očajnički željela da mi jedna određena osoba čestita rođendan. Na kraju sam to i dobila s 2 godine zakašnjenja kad mi to više uopće nije bilo bitno. A da se desilo kad je trebalo, mojoj sreći ne bi bilo kraja.
I onda bacim pogled u budućnost, na neke svoje želje i životne planove. Recimo, kao i većina glupih ženski htjela bim se udat i dobit djecu negdje između 25. i 30. AKO mi se ta želja i ostvari, onda se sigurno neće ostvarit između 25. i 30. nego između 35. i 40., naravno ako se prije ne predoziram s antidepresivima na kojima ću vjerojatno završit. Baš imam optimistično razmišljanje za budućnost. Možda će netko mislit da sam luda jer me odgoda vozačkog ispita danas natjerala da razmišljam o svemu tome, ali to je samo jedna karika u lancu koji mi se steže oko vrata otkad znam za sebe. Zašto si nisam dopustila da me taj lanac udavi već jednom? Ne znam... Možda jer i kad je bilo najgore sam se uvijek nekako nadala da će jednom biti bolje, da će jednom zasjati sunce. I da, sunce bi svako toliko zasjalo, na trenutke, ali prekasno, onda kad me uopće više nije bilo briga da li će zasjati ili ne, onda kad sam se već pomirila da nikad neće zasjati. I kad malo pogledam, cijeli moj život se svodi na ČEKANJE. Umjesto uživanja svaki dan i proživljavanja svakog dana kao da je posljednji, moj život je čekanje. Nečega. Čega? Nečega šta se možda nikad ni neće desiti. Nije tu stvar samo u vozačkoj i bratu nego i u puno drugih stvari o kojima stvarno ne želim. Čini se da je meni suđeno doživotno jebanje u zdrav mozak. Ili da posjetim neku tetu koja kao skida uroke pa da mi pobere sve novce pa će mi onda bit bolje? Da, baš.

18.09.2008. u 10:50 | K | 8 | P | # | ^

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Opis bloga

Bas moram pisati taj opis bloga? Dobro, pa... Blog ce, buduci da ga ne pise nitko pametan, biti pun gluposti, mozda mi izleti koja pametna, ali tesko...

jedna od meni najdrazih:

Sleeping Sun

The sun is sleeping quietly
Once upon a century
Wistful oceans calm and red
Ardent caresses laid to rest

For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime

I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you

Sorrow has a human heart
From my god it will depart
I'd sail before a thousand moons
Never finding where to go

Two hundred twenty-two days of light
Will be desired by a night
A moment for the poet's play
Until there's nothing left to say

I wish for this night-time...

I wish for this night-time...









brojac od 10.6.2006.



MOJ BIJELI LABUDE

I bas me briga
ko te nocas vozi kuci,
briga me

I ako si i sretna ko sto kazes,
mada znam da lazes
sve to ubija me

Hmmm, grlim hladne jastuke
hmmm, moj bijeli labude

I briga me sto nisi mjesec,
a ni sunce, briga me
al' neces moci preko
blatne kaljuze
cista stic' do moje postelje

Hmmm, grlim hladne jastuke

Ref. 2x
Moj bijeli labude
kad me jednom ne bude
sve ce vode, labude
da se razbistre

I bas me briga
ko te nocas vozi kuci,
briga me

I ako si i sretna ko sto kazes,
mada znam da lazes
sve to ubija me

Hmmm, grlim hladne jastuke

Ref. 4x






Ja sam samo jedna luda romanticna dusa kojoj nema spasa... sanjar do boli... ako se ikad promijenim, znaci da mi se nesto gadno desilo... jer nisam osoba koja je sposobna nosit masku...






White Night Fantasy

Enchantress came to me and said:
Meet me at the lake tonight

I hummed this song to the white
Through the shroud of snow I saw
Paradise
Peace
No more lies

Crestfallen soul
Rest for this night
Love is here
Right here under my wings

I dream of wolves with them I run
For me she lengthened the night
I am home
I am in peace

Crestfallen soul
Rest for this night
Love is here
Right here under my wings




Molim vas, pomozite Zeki!!!
(__/)
(O.o)
(> < )
Ovo je Gothik - Sado Mazo - Zeko. Kopirajte ga na svoj blog i tako mu pomognite na njegovom putu do World Domination!!!

Linkovi

Blog.hr
Naj blogovi:
:: marriana ::
Vedrana
Jelena
Marija

unforgettable lady
Amy
heretik
V4MP1R3
Bestia
panic queen
nivblf
ledena kraljica
..kaya..
cat
Lambalicious
Lakeisha
Broken Crystal Doll
honorina
Kika
Laura
Sara
Anita

pjesma za mene:

Papa Roach "Sometimes"

I'm dreamin about tomorrow, I'm thinkin of yesterday, I consume myself in sorrow this moment in time is what I betray, I
am searching for the answers

[Chorus]
I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life
is spinning out of control

I never know what you want, I never know what you need, it was different from the start, when you cut me in two I never
thought I would bleed, but I am searching for the answers

[Chorus]

I will go this alone I don't need nobody's help, I've got to do this myself, Alone, Alone, Alone, Alone

[Chorus x2]


LET 3 - Dijete u vremenu

Gledam u tuznu jesenju noc
s pokisle grane lisce otpada
u daljini cujem muziku neku
i pitam sebe, gdje li si sada

Ja svakog dana proklinjem sebe
zasto te drugom prepustih lako
pjevao sam pjesme, nad'o se boljem
i bezbroj puta uz gitaru plak'o

Ref.
Nisi me voljela u ono vrijeme
a ja sam zelio samo jedno
sad kada nismo mi mladi k'o nekada
dodji da ostarimo zajedno

Da li jos pamtis ljubavi moja
kako smo ruze zajedno brali
gdje li si sada mladosti moja
zasto su tebe od mene ukrali

Achtung, Achtung
ein animalischen sex
mit die zwei penzioneren
sport und elegantisch

Oder extravagantisch
atention, atention
für die grosse erektion
liebe Penis, liebe zwei
liebe sex abnormal

Nisi me voljela u ono vrijeme
a ja sam zelio samo jedno...
nisi me voljela u ono vrijeme
a ja sam zelio samo jedno
sad kada nismo mi mladi ko nekada
dodi da ostarimo zajedno...



EPICA Dance Of Fate

When darkness will reign and blind us all

When darkness will reign and blind us all
Allegiance will bind us if we do not fall

We cannot tell when morning comes
Is there a choice to live another day?
It's hard to find a new direction in your fragile life

The precious time of your existence is now to come
Don't throw your life away by cheating time
Sugared placebos only fool your mind

Now I want the water to wash away all my sins
The wind to blow away my thoughts without meaning
The fire to burn away my thickened skin

When darkness will reign and blind us all
Allegiance will bind us if we do not fall

Novas portas pandimus

What is this pace, the type of dance?
I cannot tell which steps I have to take
I'd like to leave, just run away
My feet are tangled up

So hard to face the pace of the clock
What do you think; will it ever stop?
So will I fall and not get up?
I take it all in stride

Now I want the water to wash away all my sins
The wind to blow away my thoughts without meaning
The fire to burn away my thickened skin

Everything has a reason for its happening
Can't you tell it's your own spell and
Everyone has to dance this dance like anyone
Can't break free of destiny

We should open new doors and
Close the ones that we've left behind

Now I want the water to wash away all my sins
The wind to blow away my thoughts without meaning
The fire to burn away my thickened skin

When darkness will reign and blind us all
Allegiance will bind us if we do not fall

Novas portas pandimus
Et post nos occludimus


Nightwish - Feel For You

You were my first love
The earth moving under me
Bedroom scent, beauty ardent
Distant shiver, heaven sent

I'm the snow on your lips
The freezing taste, the silvery sip
I'm the breath on your hair
The endless nightmare, devil's lair

Only so many times
I can say I long for you
The lily among the thorns
The prey among the wolves

Someday, I will feed a snake
Drink her venom, stay awake
With time all pain will fade
Through your memory I will wade

Barely cold in her grave
Barely warm in my bed
Settling for a draw tonight
Puppet girl, your strings are mine

This one is for you for you
Only for you
Just give in to it never think again
I feel for you


Nightwish - Dead Gardens

The story behind the painting I drew is already told
No more tearstains on the pages of my diary
Tired but unable to give up since I`m
Responsible for the lives I saved

The play is done
The curtain`s down

All the tales are told
All the orchids gone
Lost in my own world
Now I care for dead gardens

My song is little worth anymore
Time to lay this weary pen aside

The play is done
The curtain`s down

"Where are the wolves, the underwater moon
The elvenpath, the haven of youth
Lagoons of the starlit sea

Have I felt enough for one man`s deed?
Or is it time to challenge the Ancient of Days
And let the virgin conceive"

All the tales...



Cradle of filth - Nymphetamine

Lead to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A 'V'' of black swans
On with hope to the grave
All through Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, a vampyric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
Nymphetamine girl
Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
My nymphetamine girl

Wracked with your charm
I am circled like prey
Back in the forest
Where whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt

Fold to my arms
Hold their mesmeric sway
And dance her to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your holiness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, a vampyric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better
Nymphetamine

Sunsetter
Nymphetamine (Nymphetamine)
None better
Nymphetamine



KORN - Thoughtless

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling at you, drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger
And you're down, down, down

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

All my friends are gone, they died (gonna take you down)
They all screamed, and cried (gonna take you down)

I've got my body, got my body back against the wall
I've got my body, got my body back against the wall
Gonna take you down

[repeat 2x]

I've got my body, got my body back against the wall
I've got my body, got my body back against the...

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming
All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming






Missing

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[Chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

[Chorus]