Why is she so special though? This obsession of yours with her, and you must agree that to some extent it is, is just spinning on itself and pulling you down further and further. Do you see a way out of this whirlpool? Of course, I don't know either of you but I can't see how you'd be happy even if you had her.
11.02.2008. (09:28)
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Anonymous
What I mean to say is that happiness is not a woman. Without sounding too feng-shui, you do have to find that within yourself.
11.02.2008. (09:29)
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You are "right on the money", as they would say. My life is so messed up, that the emptiness exists within me. She was just... Well, she made all the difference, she gave me the reason for being. She does not dwelve on the past (well, tries not to) and does not discuss hick-ups that inevitably happen in every relationship. But I have all this time on my hands and have a detail-oriented, analytical brain and you have to admit that to break a relationship without any hint or known causes (from my perspective), by sending a text message from a mobile phone I gave her as a present, then does not make any effort to give me closure, come on! This is ELEMENTARY CURTOSY, towards anyone, especially towards someone she sworn love so many times and told me so many extraordinary compliments and blah blah blah, than breaks EVERY contact making me an exception to all her other exes with whom I have seen (and she said the same) she does maintain friendly relations, then meets me at Xmas and does not even look me in the eyes nor says anything, not even a fucking "hi"... all this from the Woman I was totally sure, that's the one I'm gonna be with, "till death do us apart", all that is pretty compelling to fuck anybody up for some time.
But I do admit to "using" Maria as an excuse, she is my inspiration, I have nothing else to write about, I'm pretty dry, worrying about my job - do I get back next month, or do I lose both job and the apartment and so on...
I learn from her. Because I find a meaning in everything she did or did not do. It's an excercise of sorts. When I get a normal structure in life, like working 8 hours I will simply not have time to torment myself like this. And to be honest, I am over Maria (not to say I wouldn't be "her" again very quickly, I guess, but a simple apology would no longer do...), but something happenned while I was working for the film festival in rotterdam that brought about the Maria-recidive. It's okay now. I'm a "poseur", a little bit. Nothin seriuos.
Thank you for your comments!
Herbie Hancock told me the same thing one I did one pretty stupid little article about his concert in Zagreb for Polet, ages ago and then waited for his arrival in INtercontinental hotel. I knew he is a budhist and asked him to write me down his favorite proverb, maxima: Happiness comes from within. I'm well aware. Better to obsess about Maria than get sick of worrying about my existance in few weeks, that really is some scary shit right there, haha.
18.02.2008. (12:33)
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Anonymous, would you not reveal at least something about yourself? Please, please, can you say are you a man or a woman (it was funny how i automatically assumed you'd "for sure" be a woman, haha!), and/or at least are you my "non-crotian reader"? 'Cause I never got any hint that anyone for whom I actually write these things in English (so that hopefully it would reach Maria, or create some "momentum") actually reads it?
Please please please!
P.S. About Herbie: of course i didn't tell what to write, he came with that on his own: he saw threw me, I thought.
18.02.2008. (13:17)
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yoshihiro
if you ask me, allthough why should you..,.. me being so presumptious and seeing nothing but myself in all of this.., i d have to say that the reason that maria no longer wants to see you, allthough i don t think that she wishes the two of you never happend is because both of you are in a pretty strange place (a better way to say it would be in past tense), a place where either of you are not yourself. in fact, had only one of you been him/herself, i m pretty sure you (your relationship) would never have happend. and eventhough this is true of all the relationships, in the same sense it absolutely is not! so what i m trying to say is that i belive that the two of you are simpley not compatible, and she realized it. as for why she doesn t even want to look at you, or say hello to you, i think the answer is - she s scared. scared of having the responsibility. of you. cause, i think, that you were not completely honest to her. i know you d probably never admit it to be true, but you were using her. using her to gain something through helping her. you put yourself in the first place. now, i m pretty sure you were not aware of it at the time, but you needed her to make sense of your life. correct me if i m wrong, but you re still doing it. you see, what you did was not wrong. actually the thing where you went wrong is such a tiny little thing, so small that it almost isn t a thing anymore. it s allmost like it s an energy. a wish. you wanted to help her, and in the process help youserlf. but that s not the way it works. the only way to help someone is to have no other wishes but that. to help. that someone. not yourself. because a wish is like love - once you want to use it no longer is.
there never was a teacher that wanted to teach, there never was a student who didn t want to learn.
04.03.2008. (02:05)
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Thank you for your comment. I've only just seen it. I have today posted something on the blog that actually works as an answer to it, and a confirmation of many things you mention.
I believe Maria and myself are compatible (and feel that we have proven it, although I don't feel we've explored the potential to the fullest, not even near), but the fact remains that I was only just beginning to admit the depth of my own problems when I met her and she had enough of her own ones. We are alike in many things, different in mentality but in a way that I feel could complement one another had the circumstances been better. We are both flexible and have realised there are many things we can learn from each other.
We have met in an intensive psychiatric care unit, so I guess you are right in saying we would never have had a relationship had we have been our true selves, but one look at her eyes anytime, anywhere and I know I would have been hooked, totally (this is not to say I would not have noticed her for her looks, but that alone is not enough. Eyes are a mirror of the soul).
In a way, it was our shadows, the shadows of our real selves that have met, not our complete true selves. (This is more true of myself than of her, because she was on her way to recover, whereas my own crisis was only just beginning to reach its peak.) There was a great potential, she tried, I tried, but so many things were set against us... I would do anything to try again or to keep her a part of my life. I can and have accepted her leaving me, but can't get over the fact that she can not or will not keep me as friend. I miss her terribly.
08.03.2008. (16:45)
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Anonymous
Why is she so special though? This obsession of yours with her, and you must agree that to some extent it is, is just spinning on itself and pulling you down further and further. Do you see a way out of this whirlpool? Of course, I don't know either of you but I can't see how you'd be happy even if you had her.
11.02.2008. (09:28) - - - - - promjene spremljene- uredi komentar - obriši komentar - prijavi ovaj komentar kao spam - zabrani komentiranje autoru ovog komentara- učitavam...
Anonymous
What I mean to say is that happiness is not a woman. Without sounding too feng-shui, you do have to find that within yourself.
11.02.2008. (09:29) - - - - - promjene spremljene- uredi komentar - obriši komentar - prijavi ovaj komentar kao spam - zabrani komentiranje autoru ovog komentara- učitavam...
stepska ptitchitza
You are "right on the money", as they would say. My life is so messed up, that the emptiness exists within me. She was just... Well, she made all the difference, she gave me the reason for being. She does not dwelve on the past (well, tries not to) and does not discuss hick-ups that inevitably happen in every relationship. But I have all this time on my hands and have a detail-oriented, analytical brain and you have to admit that to break a relationship without any hint or known causes (from my perspective), by sending a text message from a mobile phone I gave her as a present, then does not make any effort to give me closure, come on! This is ELEMENTARY CURTOSY, towards anyone, especially towards someone she sworn love so many times and told me so many extraordinary compliments and blah blah blah, than breaks EVERY contact making me an exception to all her other exes with whom I have seen (and she said the same) she does maintain friendly relations, then meets me at Xmas and does not even look me in the eyes nor says anything, not even a fucking "hi"... all this from the Woman I was totally sure, that's the one I'm gonna be with, "till death do us apart", all that is pretty compelling to fuck anybody up for some time.
But I do admit to "using" Maria as an excuse, she is my inspiration, I have nothing else to write about, I'm pretty dry, worrying about my job - do I get back next month, or do I lose both job and the apartment and so on...
I learn from her. Because I find a meaning in everything she did or did not do. It's an excercise of sorts. When I get a normal structure in life, like working 8 hours I will simply not have time to torment myself like this. And to be honest, I am over Maria (not to say I wouldn't be "her" again very quickly, I guess, but a simple apology would no longer do...), but something happenned while I was working for the film festival in rotterdam that brought about the Maria-recidive. It's okay now. I'm a "poseur", a little bit. Nothin seriuos.
Thank you for your comments!
Herbie Hancock told me the same thing one I did one pretty stupid little article about his concert in Zagreb for Polet, ages ago and then waited for his arrival in INtercontinental hotel. I knew he is a budhist and asked him to write me down his favorite proverb, maxima: Happiness comes from within. I'm well aware. Better to obsess about Maria than get sick of worrying about my existance in few weeks, that really is some scary shit right there, haha.
18.02.2008. (12:33) - - - - - promjene spremljene- uredi komentar - obriši komentar - prijavi ovaj komentar kao spam - zabrani komentiranje autoru ovog komentara- učitavam...
stepska ptitchitza
Anonymous, would you not reveal at least something about yourself? Please, please, can you say are you a man or a woman (it was funny how i automatically assumed you'd "for sure" be a woman, haha!), and/or at least are you my "non-crotian reader"? 'Cause I never got any hint that anyone for whom I actually write these things in English (so that hopefully it would reach Maria, or create some "momentum") actually reads it?
Please please please!
P.S. About Herbie: of course i didn't tell what to write, he came with that on his own: he saw threw me, I thought.
18.02.2008. (13:17) - - - - - promjene spremljene- uredi komentar - obriši komentar - prijavi ovaj komentar kao spam - zabrani komentiranje autoru ovog komentara- učitavam...
yoshihiro
if you ask me, allthough why should you..,.. me being so presumptious and seeing nothing but myself in all of this..,
i d have to say that the reason that maria no longer wants to see you, allthough i don t think that she wishes the two of you never happend is because both of you are in a pretty strange place (a better way to say it would be in past tense), a place where either of you are not yourself. in fact, had only one of you been him/herself, i m pretty sure you (your relationship) would never have happend. and eventhough this is true of all the relationships, in the same sense it absolutely is not!
so what i m trying to say is that i belive that the two of you are simpley not compatible, and she realized it. as for why she doesn t even want to look at you, or say hello to you, i think the answer is - she s scared. scared of having the responsibility. of you. cause, i think, that you were not completely honest to her. i know you d probably never admit it to be true, but you were using her. using her to gain something through helping her. you put yourself in the first place. now, i m pretty sure you were not aware of it at the time, but you needed her to make sense of your life. correct me if i m wrong, but you re still doing it. you see, what you did was not wrong. actually the thing where you went wrong is such a tiny little thing, so small that it almost isn t a thing anymore. it s allmost like it s an energy. a wish. you wanted to help her, and in the process help youserlf. but that s not the way it works. the only way to help someone is to have no other wishes but that. to help. that someone. not yourself. because a wish is like love - once you want to use it no longer is.
there never was a teacher that wanted to teach, there never was a student who didn t want to learn.
04.03.2008. (02:05) - - - - - promjene spremljene- uredi komentar - obriši komentar - prijavi ovaj komentar kao spam - zabrani komentiranje autoru ovog komentara- učitavam...
stepska ptitchitza
Thank you for your comment. I've only just seen it. I have today posted something on the blog that actually works as an answer to it, and a confirmation of many things you mention.
I believe Maria and myself are compatible (and feel that we have proven it, although I don't feel we've explored the potential to the fullest, not even near), but the fact remains that I was only just beginning to admit the depth of my own problems when I met her and she had enough of her own ones. We are alike in many things, different in mentality but in a way that I feel could complement one another had the circumstances been better. We are both flexible and have realised there are many things we can learn from each other.
We have met in an intensive psychiatric care unit, so I guess you are right in saying we would never have had a relationship had we have been our true selves, but one look at her eyes anytime, anywhere and I know I would have been hooked, totally (this is not to say I would not have noticed her for her looks, but that alone is not enough. Eyes are a mirror of the soul).
In a way, it was our shadows, the shadows of our real selves that have met, not our complete true selves. (This is more true of myself than of her, because she was on her way to recover, whereas my own crisis was only just beginning to reach its peak.) There was a great potential, she tried, I tried, but so many things were set against us... I would do anything to try again or to keep her a part of my life. I can and have accepted her leaving me, but can't get over the fact that she can not or will not keep me as friend. I miss her terribly.
08.03.2008. (16:45) - - - - - promjene spremljene- uredi komentar - obriši komentar - prijavi ovaj komentar kao spam - zabrani komentiranje autoru ovog komentara- učitavam...